I Wish I Was Beautiful To You

I can’t even vent correctly because I am paranoid

I am so ugly and incapable of everything and I need to kill myself

When I die nobody will be at my funeral

I don’t have anybody i. don’t have anyone I am freaking out I just want to be left alone

I still love you so much I’m sorry please come back I’m about to snap and beg you to come back I love you so much I’m sorry please forgive me I’m so sorry I miss you so fucking much I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry

I can accept that being lovable doesn’t mean everyone will love me. It hurts. That is a normal human emotion. Pain is a normal human emotion, and that is what i’m experiencing. It’s just simply pain and doesn’t define who I am, nor my future, nor anything.

As Hard as this may be, it really is just the first day. I am allowed to struggle and to feel bad. Shit, I had good times. I had really good and fun times! And they made me feel good. But sometimes things aren’t meant to be, and that’s okay. My pain will not last forever. My grieving and mourning will not last forever. I am allowed to feel this because I cared! I loved hard! I truly tried my best, so that’s really all that mattered.

Again, sometimes things aren’t meant to be. Instead of letting this control my life, how about I frame it like this:

She felt like my world but the truth is? She is just another person. She was my person, but now she is not. I was attached to her, and I am revising myself not to be that way anymore. As painful as this may be right now, it’s only temporary. This is just where I’m at right now, but this too shall pass. Time is gonna pass anyways, so why should I just sulk and mourn for someone that really wasn’t good for me? I know that I’m scared, but I’m going to get through this situation scared. Petrified, even.

Now that she’s gone, what can I do freely? I can:

*hang out with my friends as much as I want

*dress however I want and be promiscuous and provocative

*really get focused on my future instead of feeling as if I’m held back

*not focus on social media so much and let it consume me, especially online relationships

I’ve done this many times before. I really thought it was the end of my world! But look at me now—I’ve had ups and downs and unfortunately have found myself in the same place. But guess what? I know what to do. This is only a learned experience. I will continue to learn. It will all be okay even if it doesn’t feel like it. I will live and I will survive.

Why do I keep seeing things that remind me of you or I would’ve sent to you if you were still here. God. I hate you so much please get out of My head

Please god fucking help me

Despite it all, I still find you beautiful.

I have acceptance and love for you. I don’t want you in my life again, but I cannot erase the memories we shared. There were plenty of pleasant ones, and plenty of terrible ones. I appreciate both, because I was taught a lesson to respect myself more.

I don’t know why I fell so hard for you, but im not complaining. Despite everything, the pain you put me through, every single awful thing I’ve experienced, I still hold you dear in my heart.

I’m not trying to be delusional and wish for you back, or want you to come back and we can be together again. I am not saying I miss your romantically or sexually or anything else. I am saying that our time together was special to me, and I don’t think that’ll be something that ever goes away, and that’s okay. I am lucky to have been the one to go through all of that instead of someone else who couldn’t have handled it.

I’m glad that I have helped you. I am glad that we had time together. I’m sorry it ended the way it did, but im glad it’s over. Thank you, and im sorry

Why do you hate me