Me, Plunking Stinky Bastard Man’s Carrier On The Counter: Hi He’s Here For Shots And A Nail Trim

Okay, so like, instead of that incredibly OOC for everyone involved piece of shit Battle for the Cowl storyline, what SHOULD have happened in my EXPERT opinion is they all start fighting for it, whatever, fine, but then Dick is like, fuck it, who even cares, let’s just all be Batman. Except for Damian, because you’re short and wee so you’re stuck with Robin, sorry kiddo.

To which Damian, naturally, would snarl: How DARE you, Grayson, I AM THE blah blah blah, but then everyone points out that the Robin costumes are literally the only ones that fit him and its not like he knows how to sew, and he’s welcome to TRY threatening/blackmailing/bribing Alfred into making him a pint-sized Batman costume, but like……lol. Yeah. Sure.

And so Dick AND Jason AND Tim AND Cass because she exists, fuck you BftC, are ALL Batman. Yes, even Cass. Jason’s all, shouldn’t you call yourself Batwoman? And Cass just stares at him, dead-eye, and says I don’t want to. And I mean, nobody’s dumb enough to argue with Cass so its like alright, there are four Batmen now. Batmans? Whatever.

And it just confuses the ever loving FUCK out of the Gotham underworld and Rogues, because you’ve got a laughing Batman who freaking PUNS and a trigger-happy shooting Batman and a short Batman who talks and acts just like the real deal except WHY IS HE SO SHORT and a freakily silent Batman who just fucking APPEARS right next to your elbow more quiet and creepily than even the original one ever managed and two seconds later you’re down for the count and you don’t even know what the fuck just happened.

And in the dark, with them all dressed alike, crouching at just the right angles that its almost impossible to tell at a first glance how tall or built they each are, these four Batmen are just freaking EVERYWHERE and you run into one and its like gdi I’m so fucked but I gotta wait til they stand up or say something to figure out just HOW fucked I am cuz like, please let it be any of them but the Batman with guns and then its the freakily silent Batman and you’re like WAIT OH FUCK I CHANGED MY MIND GIMME THE SHOOTY BATMAN I WANT THE SHOOTY BATMAN!

And also, the only thing that’s ever really successfully bonded the Batkids in the past is the opportunity to fuck with people, so eventually, sometimes they start mixing it up and imitating each other’s styles just to REALLY mess with peoples’ heads, with Jason randomly cracking puns so they’re like oh phew, its the laughing Batman, and then Jason’s like LMFAO NOPE and whips out a grenade. And Dick actually CAN be quiet when he wants to, so he pretends to be the freakily silent Batman and just fucking APPEARS in a warehouse full of gunrunners and whispers “Boo” and then he just laughs his ass off when they all run screaming out the door, where Stabby Robin is waiting with his katana. 

And on and on it goes until nobody knows up from down or left from right and you’ve got guys just laying down their weapons and sobbing I give up, like just at the SIGHT of any of them, because they’re so fucking confused and they’re like, maybe I can at least spare myself the headache of trying to figure out who the hell I’m even dealing with this time, look, I’m fucked no matter what anyway so what’s even the point.

And then finally Bruce comes back ‘from the dead’ or whatever that was, I stopped paying attention, something something time travel bat god Darkseid omega energy blah blah who cares.

And he’s figuring Dick has been Batman while he’s gone so he starts trying to get all caught up based off that assumption and THAT goes off the fucking rails pretty damn quick, and eventually he’s just scrolling through files on the Batcomputer like….wut?

And that’s when the kids all roar back in from patrol on and in their varying Bat-vehicles, to the sight of their supposedly dead father, and they’re all like….wut?

And Bruce stares at four different Batman and a four foot Robin who’s basically 75% ominous scowl and 25% bladed weaponry, and he’s like….wut?

And then Alfred comes down the stairs into the Batcave and stops and stares and is like, oh, my word. Y’know, all British-ish and stuff.

And then there are five Batmen.

It does not get less confusing for Gotham after that. 

I have $24 to last me til Friday, what should I buy with it?

Rex: When I first met Anakin, I thought to myself, ‘when the war is over, he’s the Order’s problem again’.

Cody: Oh? What happened then?

Rex: *holding back tears* I don’t know! Sometimes I wake up and he’s going through my fridge and asking why I don’t keep his brand of ‘Padme approved’ organic gummy snacks around and I have to tell him it’s because he doesn’t live here and also Ahsoka ate them all and he’s all ‘the babies are very chatty rn and they repeat everything they hear and I said fuck last week so now I’m avoiding home cause as soon as Padme looks at me she’s gonna know where they learned that word’ and then Ahsoka, who I didn’t even know was THERE, pops up from the couch all ‘I thought I taught them that one!’ And I’m standing there in my sweat pants and wondering why I have to deal with this and then they look at me with these big ol’ dumb puppy eyes and I melt every time, I stg I can’t get rid of them help me!

Cody: …*gently pats Rex’s back* Bro… the only way to stop this… is to just move in with them. See, Obi-Wan can’t pull this shit on me, because I expect him to be there.

Rex: That’s different, you and Obi-Wan are Jedi married.

Cody: Hmm, if you think I knew we were dating before last week, then you’re sorely mistaken. I thought he was just a really clingy roommate I liked to fuck sometimes.

Rex: …how did this flip so you’re the disaster so fast and not me?

Cody: *shrugs* I just assume you come to me to feel better about yourself because you’re not /that/ bad compared to me.

Nah fam it wouldn’t’ve died, she mighta won but she ain’t gonna die.

That bitch has the gayest fucking energy fueling her and not even the fucking lord could take that away. The only way Bella “dumbass” Swan is going to die is of her own stupid volition.

twilight au where Bella’s already an adrenaline junkie when she gets to Forks. she secured her infamy by parkouring off the main school building

I know it’s pretty funny to joke that Steph forcibly inserted herself into the Batfamily and never left while the others are like ‘Steph you don’t even live here’ but in my opinion its absolutely the other way around.

From her history with Bruce and stuff there’s a part of Steph that holds all her insecurities and is just thinking, ‘I could be locked out of the bat cave at any minute’ no matter how illogical that is. So Steph is of the general mindset of ‘these are my trusted crime fighting allies who I care about very much but I’m not part of their family because I have a mom and it doesn’t matter anyway because all I really want is to help people and make sure less people become victims of crime’. She cares about them all more than anything but she wont let herself feel like she means too much to them.

Meanwhile the Batfamily are just like ‘that’s Steph our little ray of sunshine we love her and she’s 100 percent ours and we’re just waiting for Tim or Cass to marry her in so she’s legally a member of this family as well’.

Steph convincing herself she’s not a member of the bat family due to insecurities and the Bat family being like ‘exCUSE YOU! You are absolutely a member of this family!’   

Gotham villains: yeah I was traumatized so now I'm evil

The batfam, have more trauma in their pinky finger than they've experienced in their entire lives, largely due to being heroes and are still heroes: :/

Yea I like truth serum Bruce Wayne but what I really want is truth serum Bruce Wayne that makes him say the first thing he thinks. No filter. Meaning he’s either just roasting the hell out of himself the whole time or being genuine

Bruce: [sips his too hot coffee] “try waiting a minute you fucking moron”

Bruce: [nearly drops phone] “almost ten years of ninja training and you can’t even tell”

Bruce: [eating his breakfast]

Tim: “hey Bruce, still having side effects?”

Bruce: [looks up] “they’re only side effects if I squint, otherwises I just seem sarcastic and cynical”

Dick: [takes a selfie with Bruce] “what do you think?”

Bruce: “we look like shit”

Dick: “yea, we do look like shit” [deletes photo]

Bruce: [steps in water wearing socks] “I hate being alive, it’s not worth it anymore if this is the trial I have to face”

Alfred: “just take off your socks”

Bruce: “I’ll take you off my will”

Damian: “I wished you leave me alone”

Bruce: “and I wish I knew how to communicate with you properly”

Damian: “yea, because I’m so difficult”

Bruce: “because I love you and I want to be the father you deserve”

Jason: “I fucking hate you!”

Bruce: “same. Wanna make a club?”

Jason: “… wait can we?”

Bruce: “see Jason’s got more self control than me, because if I killed somebody then I’d just kill everybody. Equality, am I right?”

Bruce: “god, I’d wish you’d kids stop stressing me out”

Tim: “well sorry we can’t be perfect”

Bruce: “who said you aren’t perfect? I love all of you so much I feel like I can’t breath sometimes”

Clark: [wearing a new dress shirt]

Bruce: “you could get it”

Clark: “what?”

Bruce: “I said what I said”

Gosh dammit muffin! Now I can't get the idea of long haired andorogynous zuko out of my head, and I'm like "what if he'd never done the bald ponytail thing and just let his hair grow back, so by the show he had long ass hair" and then I was like "what if he joined the gaang after crossroads and figured that the best way to go incognito was as a woman since people were looking for the PRINCE. Anyway now i'm staring down a blank google doc so thx.

Yesss.

-A love song to Anakin Skywalkers flaws-

Did you know that humans are 99% empty space? He was not. The universe filled him up until he could hold no more and then told him to let it out until planets crumbled to his rule and people fell to their knees begging for mercy. His mother taught him to be kind and look down when they speak to you and never ever talk back. Don’t say no and you might survive, and if they want you to leave do so, but never keep yourself in the dark.

Find a way to leave if you can, if you can’t find a way to make sure you’re irreplaceable to those who feed you and clothe you. Ensure your worth and always keep the profit up. His momma had pearlescent eyes and his dad didn’t exist. His presence set alarms off to anyone who would dare listen to the warnings. Such a pity none did. He rescued thousands in his spare time, ensuring none would need to do what he did in order to survive. He dreamt of planets dying and stars going supernova until the images were imprinted onto the backs of his eyelids and his eyes glowed with their dying vicious light.

Blot the blood from his wounds and mould himself to their expectations, just to keep living. His precious hope of freedom, a flighty thing that came and went with the stiff emotions of those around him. Sickly children screamed in the edges of his vision and when he turned to help they were gone. Blundering his way through life he sought help until the one he trusted most was a woman with the makings of a queen, stuck in the body of a child. Bonds forged by steel and grit-- never meant to break, but all good things must come to an end. So when the monster came, he broke and she fell with him. Never his intention but always doomed to happen.

|How do you keep someone from falling when the ground was never stable to begin with? The trick is that you don’t. You fall with them, and then at least you won’t worry for their survival. You’ll either know, or you’ll be dead.|

His thoughts were an unsung melody of heartbreak and survival. He ran faster and faster away from the grasping, reaching hands of the darkness and still couldn’t run fast enough. Why does the universe punish those who wish to help, it is a fickle being, forcing those with too-big hearts and too-soft souls to love and love and love and love until they could help no more and then drown them in its terrifyingly harsh waters. Cold water and higher tides make not a good world to live in, but the world never claimed to be good or kind. Only eternally damning. Songs of the dead hummed in his ears until he was deaf and the sun blinded him until the only faults he could see weren't his own, only others.

The monsters that lurked in the dark saw this, and cried out in glee. This is what they wanted, why wouldn’t they? He could bring trillions to their knees with only a snap of his fingers, and there was no greater prize to them than this.

where is the emmy nom