Okay, So Like, Instead Of That Incredibly OOC For Everyone Involved Piece Of Shit Battle For The Cowl

Nah fam it wouldn’t’ve died, she mighta won but she ain’t gonna die.

That bitch has the gayest fucking energy fueling her and not even the fucking lord could take that away. The only way Bella “dumbass” Swan is going to die is of her own stupid volition.

twilight au where Bella’s already an adrenaline junkie when she gets to Forks. she secured her infamy by parkouring off the main school building

The Sugar Baby Ben AU

The premise: Obi-Wan and Anakin from the end of ROTJ get sent back to the Jedi Temple during TPM. Obi-Wan is confused, Anakin is confused, Mace Windu is very confused, and Vokara Che is also very confused. (It’s fine, it’s not like anyone relies on the Jedi for their intelligence anyways.) 

So what happens after they get where and who they are sorted out?

Well:

Anakin kills Sidious. He may be small, and blond, and just the cutest little kid, but he has several decades worth of fury directed at the man, and he’s still pretty much a Sith Lord (if a reformed one). It is very violent, and very worrying to anyone who sees it except for Obi-Wan. (In the absence of any convenient reactor shafts to toss the bitch down, Anakin resorts to a combination of lethal use of the Force and a blaster, just for good measure. They’re cleaning Sidious’s guts off his office carpet for years after the fact.)

Then, while the Jedi are trying to get a handle on the fact that (a) Sith exist, (b) time travel exists, and © the tiny adorable boy Qui-Gon Jinn brought back actually is horribly dangerous, Anakin runs off. He grabs his mother, slaughters a couple slavers indiscriminately, which Shmi feels obligated to chastise him for, even if she isn’t that horrified, and they go to Naboo.

To everyone but Obi-Wan’s surprise, Anakin lasts about two weeks on Naboo. A month or so later, the Jedi start hearing rumors about a small, dark-cloaked figure with a red lightsaber who leaves entire slave markets to burn. They don’t hear about the woman with him, who holds him back and calms his rage, who can stop her son when he needs to be stopped and hold him when he needs to be held. (Obi-Wan knows that she’s there anyways, and he sends her the number of a good therapist.)

So, what is Obi-Wan doing during all of this?

Short answer: scandalizing every jedi on coruscant

Slightly longer answer: scandalizing every jedi on coruscant by having ridiculous amounts of sex

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The worst-off person at the end of The Old Guard isn’t Andy or Booker, it’s Copley. The man has the job of being the beard for this group of old assholes, half of whom are depressed and half of whom are in a perpetual honeymoon phase, plus one who has yet to figure out just what immortality means (PS. It means skiing off the top of Mt. Everest) When he goes to do the paperwork he’s astounded at how these people managed to stay a secret for any length of time in the 20th century and beyond. Andy has become an honest-to-god cryptid with a massive internet following (it would help if she’d just stop having one night stands and doing the ole’ love and leave em’ routine) Booker regularly goes gambling at and cleans out high-end casinos, which means he has literally every mob on the planet after his ass, Joe kills 100+ people every month for breathing in a way he didn’t certify near Nicky, and when Nile gets over the shock of things it dawns on her that she can do literally everything and anything and not die, which. is another type of hell altogether.  Nicky is the only fairly normal one out of them all, until Copley finds out he secretly owns seventeen different fortune 500 companies and runs a black market or something, and Copley has to take a month off to fuck off back to Booker and just like. drink for ten days straight. This is a disjointed mess, and not even remotely meant to be taken seriously, but Copley probably thought he got off good by being made into the Guard’s secretary/PR man, but my point is that that is distinctly so NOT the case.

In honor of season 7, here’s this (based off of this)

aug. 18

Anyways I keep thinking that group chats totally must be a Thing in the star wars universe, and how (in the Clone Wars era) there probably is definitely a:

Jedi Council group chat (and they definitely gossip about everyone, from Initiates to Masters.  They are also running at least 20 bets about Jedi in the Temple.)

Lineage group chat (ie. Yoda, Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Ahsoka all have a group chat but they don’t really use it much because Anakin and Ahsoka have trouble figuring out what is appropriate for them to talk about with Yoda)

The group chat with Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Ahsoka is pretty lit though.  Most of the time it’s funny arguments between Obi-Wan and Anakin, and Ahsoka just LOL-ing the whole time.

group chats with all the clone commanders/leaders, complaining about their Jedi and comparing notes (Cody being like “Do you guys also need to force your Jedi to eat and sleep, or is it just me?”, or Rex asking “How the hell do I say no to Skywalker, the man never listens!”, etc.)

A group from the 501st and Ahsoka have a group chat where they make fun of Anakin.  They keep a running tally of the number of times he had crashed a ship, just for giggles.

THIS TOOK A MILLION YEARS

Here’s a happier thought: in another world, things are different.

Darth Vader takes one look at this feral fierce daughter of queens and politicians, this girl lying silver-tongued and spiteful to his face and thinks oh. And a heartbeat later he thinks Padme because this child looks so much like her, down to the imperious jut of her chin. And she looks like a boy he knew once, a boy called Anakin Skywalker, who was reckless and absurd and so strong with the Force that the universe buckled around him.

He says, “You are adopted, aren’t you,” and Leia’s eyebrows skyrocket.

“What relevance does that have,” she manages, “Lord Vader,” and Lord Vader would smile if he could. Instead he reaches down to touch her beautiful face; she flinches away, shows her teeth, and he feels his heart full up to bursting point.

He says, “None at all.”

Alderaan does not burn. Tarkin does though. He falls in two neat, sizzling halves.

“Um,” says Leia. Vader’s lightsabre burns red in her eyes.

“I’m no friend of the Emperor,” says Vader, says Anakin. And, “I knew your mother.” And then, because he’s Anakin Skywalker and planning has never been one of his strong suits, he offers her his hand.

“Come with me.”

“Will Alderaan be safe? My parents?”

My parents. Not by blood, but by choice, and that matters more.

“I will protect them,” says Anakin.

Dark!little big three

Okay so I had this idea a while back and it’s just sorta been surculating in my head for a while so here it is Dark!thalia and dark!percy and dark!nico So ya know how they’ve all have at least some hatred towards the gods, well imagine them growing with that hatred and once Percy turns sixteen and the titan war is over Thalia asks to be released from her oath as an eternal maiden to be with her friends more. So then Percy nico and Thalia start bonding cuz only kids of the big three everybodys scared of them. And then cuz of this they’re like siblings and joined at the hip practically. And everything happens faster. Nico get together with will quicker Percy and Annabeth’s relationship is stronger. (Thalia’s heart belongs with someone who’s been dead for a while) Then Percy goes missing. Cuz of nico and Percy’s relationship once Percy shows up at the wolf house nico can feel it(Percy only remembers Thalia nico and Annabeth is this headcannon) Then he Thalia and Percy go on the quest together while hazel and frank defend CJ’s borders. Once they get back nico and Thalia are apart of the quest as well as hazel. Frank is praetor beside Reyna. (piper shows up later They go in their journey but instead of nico being in the jar it’s piper.) Thalia nico and Percy fall into hell instead (they meet a partially formed Kronos). Once hazel leads the seven to the house of hades Thalia nico and Percy arrive and basically slaughter all of the monsters to the extent that the rest of the seven+ piper and Reyna are terrified and while Jason and hazel love their siblings they are TERRIFIED. Eventually the war is over Thalia nico and Percy combined creat storm and fire Storm-Thalia and Percy Hellfire-Nico Later they are summoned up to Olympus and they gods give them two options. Immortality or exile They choose exile because they never want to be pawns again. Eventually the camps find out and the Romans go back to being prejudiced against the Greeks and they go their separate ways. Years later Thalia Nico and Percy find out that Artemis blessed them ( now they don’t age- isn’t that nice😑) Eventually they turn into legends that you hear about and mother tell their children Don’t be naughty or they will get you! They scorn the gods and begin their own camp full of other who have been hated and spit upon( for Greeks romans Egyptians and Norse) They live in peace for years until the gods are attacked That’s it I’ll let other take it from there!!

Star Wars: The Clone Wars | “Gungan General”