Nah Fam It Wouldn’t’ve Died, She Mighta Won But She Ain’t Gonna Die.

An interesting sci-fi short story from 4chan.

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Babs: so Dick is normally pretty good at being the sober one, but it’s his 25th today and we all insisted he let loose tonight when we hit the clubs

Babs, deadpanning the camera like its ‘the office’: that was a fucking mistake

Dick, drunk af, hanging from the ceiling above the dj, shirt riding up: BAAAAAABSSSSSSssSsS! I JUST CONVINCED MY GUY HERE TO PLAY ‘DANCE WIV ME’. GET OVER HEREE EeE AND DO IT LIKE IT DOOooOoOo

Jason, equally drunk and dropping his pants: oh yEAH this is my FUCKING JaM. y’all know the drill *whips out a flat cap and sunglasses*

Steph, freshly of age and seven drinks in: YAS BITCHES! we’re going hard or WE’re goING HOME. AINT STOPPIN TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN

Duke, no inhibitions remaining and slut-dropping with Jason: fucK pAtrol! fUck BaTman! this is SO much better, and for once, idgaf! We doin this ERRY WEEKEND¡!!

Cass, had the most drinks of all but just slightly tipsy: this isn’t too bad. We should do this more often

Tim, the only perfectly sober one, slowly losing his grip on reality: we could’ve had one night at home... dick suggested sharing a pizookie... but you guys convinced him to do this instead... I have been groped five times in the last three minutes... help

Babs: if he’s in control, I can keep the rest of them in control. But dicks a man-child, and now we have anarchy. There’s no hope left. They’re gonna be incapacitated tomorrow. And if they puke tonight, I’m leaving for them to clean up tomorrow. It’s their own fault. They have to deal with the consequences of their actions. Maybe they’ll learn

Can I get uhhh.. twilight but with more diversity

Anakin finds out that Mace and Qui-Gon used to be a Thing and immediately begins trying to get them back together. He ropes Obi-Wan into it, and Yoda, because “Who would know Master Mace better than his old master? Speaking of which, let’s get Master Jinn’s old master too!” And thus, Dooku doesn’t fall, because he’s too busy matchmaking

Dooku’s going to SWEAR he wants no part of this ridiculousness at first, because he is a Serious Jedi and also he lowkey hates Anakin so he’s not inclined to help him with anything, but we all know no Jedi worth his salt can resist the lure of Drama. Also he hates to admit it, but Qui-Gon and Mace did make a not…terrible couple once upon a time. If you care about that sort of nonsense. Which he definitely Does Not, oh no, not him. He totally doesn’t even read the group texts where Anakin updates everyone on how their latest ploy to get Mace and Qui-Gon sent to the outer rim or locked in a storage closet together worked out. (He absolutely does.)

I feel like Yoda finds all of this hilarious. Obi-Wan finds it all kind of embarrassing, but A) Anakin is Very Invested, because of course he is (a tragic love story! just like his soaps! THEY HAVE TO GET BACK TOGETHER THEY JUST HAVE TO OBI-WAN WE NEED TO SHOW THEM THAT TRUE LOVE IS REAL), and so Obi-Wan will participate to make Anakin happy because he is hopeless, and B) I have to believe at least some part of Obi-Wan is going to enjoy driving Qui-Gon and Mace insane during this process.

People allergic to peanuts: keep peanuts as far away from me as possible or I'll die

People allergic to shellfish: no shrimp pls I don't wanna die today

Lactose intolerant people:*while eating ice cream* the weight of my sins drags me closer to hell but I sit in a throne higher than God's

when lizzo said "self love is survival" and when hannah gadsby said "do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? it’s not humility. it’s humiliation" and when mitski said "i used to rebel by destroying myself, but realized that’s awfully convenient to the world. for some of us our best revolt is self preservation"

bruce uses his Dad Nicknames when he’s exhausted. Some examples to explain what I mean:

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“Damian, baby, kiddo, please drop that sword.”

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“Cassandra, my only daughter, my sweetheart, if you could just stop for one short moment.”

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“Dick, my first born, my rock, get off the chandelier.”

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“Jay, lad, you’re driving your old man insane, chum.”

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“Brilliant, brilliant Tim, please go to sleep.”

—

“Stephanie, honey, you don’t even fucking live here.”

my mom, turning up “we will rock you”: football babey!

me, internally: straight people think they understand queen which is cute

Let them team up and have their first mission together

draco malfoy being draco malfoy

“if you’re going to get in trouble for hitting someone, might as well hit them hard.”

“he’s got a stick so far up his arse you can see it when he yawns.”

“explain, and do it carefully or you might find yourself being throttled to death.”

“i always have a note in my pocket saying ‘harry did it’ just in case i get murdered because i don’t want him to remarry.”

“i’m a demanding lover, potter. i require care and attention 24/7.”

“THAT’S THE PROBLEM, PANSY. MY EMOTIONAL BARRIERS ARE DOWN, AND I’D LIKE THEM BACK UP THANK YOU VERY MUCH.”

“i would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

“i could devour a whole bowl of alphabet soup and spit out a better statement than that.”

“my moral compass is a fucking roulette wheel, thank you.”

“harry, love, do these trousers make my arse look big?”

“i want to see things from your point of view, but i can’t get my head that far up my arse.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T WEAR THESE TO WORK? I LOOK FUCKING BEAUTIFUL IN IT!”

“sorry, pans, i’m busy today. i have a mental breakdown scheduled at five.”

“it’s pointless to make fun of you ‘cause it would take the rest of the fucking day for you to figure it out.”

“i totally have a bigger arse than you do.”

“pansy, hold my earrings for me. i have a bitch’s body to hide.”

“a single walk in the woods for me is so relaxing. the fact that i’m dragging a dead body should be irrelevant.”

“get out, blaise. potter and i are going to have sex.”

“did you just say my fucking hair is bleached? honey, do you think bleach would ever produce such fine and silver blond hair like this? yes, that’s right, back away bitch.”

“harryyyy i neeeeed atteeentiooon”

“i love you too. what? no. i said you smell like a shoe. idiot.”

“whoa, it smells like bitch in here.”

“I DO NOT NEED READING GLASSES! MY VISION IS PERFECTLY FINE, THANK YOU.”

“wanna check out my peacock army at home?”

“pff, what makes you think i sleep with a stuffed lion? that’s a lie. you … you have a picture? can i … can i see?”

“i like being organised but i’M TOO LAZY TO BE ORGANISED”

“ME? BECOME A POTTER? I DON’T … actually, draco potter doesn’t sound too bad. where are the marriage papers?”

“please, i’m too classy to top. have you seen me? i have an aristocratic face, and this phenomenal arse. power bottom it is.”

“sweat? me, sweat? i don’t sweat. it’s disgusting, so i don’t do it.”

“i am the prince of destruction, death and … yeah, i’m a cuddler.”

“i do not blush. that is undignified and—POTTER AND I WEREN’T SPOONING!”

“if you win this match, potter, you can do whatever you want to me. are you daft? yes, i said whatever you … what? you want me to spend a night with you?”

“to be fair, professor, i’m not the one who decided to maul my own neck with hickeys. blame potter.”

“YES PANSY SHUT UP I HAD A CRUSH ON VIKTOR FUCKING KRUM ONCE BUT THAT WAS ONE TIME!”

“harry! harry! HARRY! do i look pretty?”

“pans, i need you to tell me your embarrassing sex stories so i can forget last night when harry stared at me and i waved.”

“FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, I DO NOT NEED READING GLASSES!”