Digital-dissociation-blog - Digital Dissociation

trance or something | 28.04.19

To the next random entitled guy who decides that after just meeting me, sending me an unwanted disgusting cock picture is a good way to get my attention after being busy for a couple hours;

 I will cut that pathetic wad of diseased flesh off your body, smash it with a meat hammer until its perfect to roll into a pointed shape, freeze it until its actually hard in a useful way, not to mention sharp, preceed to then cut you flesh deep groin to sternum, stab it deep into your trachea, and while watching you gurgle and drown in your own blood will i lean close enough to whisper in your ear “ Is this enough attention for you sweetheart?” 

Because if you honestly think that any of those actions you do are excusable, quirky, or even charming, you are gravely mistaken; and you should drown on your own blood if you think that sexually harassing anyone with the sight of your disgusting little hob nob attention-entitled narcissistic prick is the way to keep a conversation going. 

You make me sick and I despise you and everyone like you.

Im about to smash through the glass, its going to be painful and devestating. I’ll mumble my appologies from the grave.

Told all my friends I was going to bed and ended up having anpanic attack an hour lster with no guts to reach out to anyone :”) I feel like im dying ans my brain is convinced Im dying and I feel two seconds from bursting into tears and calling my FP to have him calm me down..But I wont. Ill just lay here suffering in fear because I just cant bring myself to do things..

me: Ok brain. We need to be moving on. We can’t keep hyper fixating on someone not interested in us like that. It's not good. It's hurting us. BPD brain: You’re right. Understandable. Request considered.  Youtube: -Plays an emotional bop- Me: O h n o MDD:  did somebody ask for ♥ r o m a n t i c ♥ d a y d r e a m s ♥ ? Me: Wai tno  please dont do it MDD: -Does it- BPD: You know what. When you put it that way. Request denied. Me: 💕 💕 💕🎀  𝐹𝓊𝒸𝓀  🎀 💕 💕 💕  *Smitten*

By the time you find this, I will be dead. I am leaving this app open on my unlocked phone near my body.

I’m sorry that by this time tomorrow I won’t be around anymore. Im sorry I couldn’t contribute enough. Sorry I was too sick.

Dear mom/family.

I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry I was a failure. I’m sorry I wasted time. I wish I could have been a better kid. Im sorry I wasn’t the daughter/sister/aunt you wanted. Im sorry I don’t even know what or who I am. I’m sorry I was just a problem. I’m sorry I was so sick. Such a burden on you all. I deserved what I got.

Dear sister,

I love you and I’m sorry. I miss you. I never told you how I was feeling.. You wont forgive me I know. I cant forgive myself either. Im an awful awful sister. I deserve this.

Dear best friend,

I love you. I’m sorry. My head is too broken. Im too tired. You tried so hard to help me but I failed you. I’m a terrible failure. I will never forgive myself for disappointing you. You were my world. I loved you more than words could express. But it was never meant to be. I’m sorry. Im sorry I wont be around anymore. Im sorry we wont get to do all that we wanted and dreamed. I’ll miss you for eternity.

Dear myself,

I hate you. I hope you rot. You horrible disgusting disappointing failure. You’re a fucking burden. You deserve this.

Goodbye.

Love,

Amanda/Des/Blair

🖤

I hate when he holds me or shows me any affection. It feels dirty, wrong, unwanted. Most of the time I ignore it, but when It happens I feel like I’m cheating on you. I suppose that's a funny thought...We’re not even together, but... I still feel like I belong to you. I feel stuck between two worlds. I can’t help these feelings. I am so afraid of it welling up in me and threatening to spill. I’ve never felt a love like this before. I think I’ll love you forever, no matter what happens. You make me so happy. I wish I could tell you just how much you really mean to me... It’s been a while and I wish I knew how you feel about me at this point in time....but I am honestly too scared to attempt to ask at this point. I’m scared it might just be the same answer as before. If it is I would rather not know, and just stay happy in my daydreams. 

brain: it seems like problems are happening. would you like to pretend they’re not and think about fictional characters instead?

me: yes please