Shoutout To People With Simultaneously Great And Terrible Memories. Like Oh Yeah I Remember In Perfect

ANXIETY DISORDERS ARE NOT THE SAME AS JUST FEELING ANXIOUS/NERVOUS

Anxiety can cause horrible physical symptoms that make everyday life very difficult

It can make you feel utterly terrified, as though your life is in danger, for no apparent reason

It can give you panic attacks at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all

It makes you feel vulnerable and unsafe almost all the time

It is utterly, completely tormenting to live with

Triggers can be everywhere, anything and caused by anyone at any time

It is not a matter of shyness, cute blushing or butterflies in the stomach

It is a hideous, evil disease that I would not wish on anyone

It can be literal mental and physical torture to live with when it gets bad

PLEASE, PLEASE STOP TRIVIALISING ANXIETY (or any mental illness)

I actually feel like I am in the worst low mood of my life and I feel utterly terrible and like I want to die. And It makes me so angry that one tiny little thing just fucking smacked me from the purest beautiful holy cloud nine onto the fucking cold heartless concrete without mercy. I literally have not stopped crying for like over an hour. I hate my life and I want to just throw myself off the stupid balcony fuck me.

By the time you find this, I will be dead. I am leaving this app open on my unlocked phone near my body.

I’m sorry that by this time tomorrow I won’t be around anymore. Im sorry I couldn’t contribute enough. Sorry I was too sick.

Dear mom/family.

I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry I was a failure. I’m sorry I wasted time. I wish I could have been a better kid. Im sorry I wasn’t the daughter/sister/aunt you wanted. Im sorry I don’t even know what or who I am. I’m sorry I was just a problem. I’m sorry I was so sick. Such a burden on you all. I deserved what I got.

Dear sister,

I love you and I’m sorry. I miss you. I never told you how I was feeling.. You wont forgive me I know. I cant forgive myself either. Im an awful awful sister. I deserve this.

Dear best friend,

I love you. I’m sorry. My head is too broken. Im too tired. You tried so hard to help me but I failed you. I’m a terrible failure. I will never forgive myself for disappointing you. You were my world. I loved you more than words could express. But it was never meant to be. I’m sorry. Im sorry I wont be around anymore. Im sorry we wont get to do all that we wanted and dreamed. I’ll miss you for eternity.

Dear myself,

I hate you. I hope you rot. You horrible disgusting disappointing failure. You’re a fucking burden. You deserve this.

Goodbye.

Love,

Amanda/Des/Blair

🖤

Chronic Illness flare clinics need to be a thing.

They need to have holistic chronic illness clinics. You can go to them while you’re in a flare. They have low sensory rooms with soft beds and low light tv’s. Have doctors to administer flare reducing meds/pain meds, but also have holistic professionals like massage therapists, acupuncturist, mindfulness workers, physical therapists, chiropractors etc etc.

Basically so that you’re entire body and mind can heal because the reality of this is mind and body health need to be aligned.

This is especially necessary because going to an ER for a flare can be so terrible and increase the intensity of the flare. It’s so bright and you have to wait for hours to be seen by doctors who let’s be honest don’t specialize in chronic illness, and are trying to jam in as many patients as they can because of being over capacity.

This is what healthcare would look like if it was designed by the sick.

The sobs that choke you up and keep you from breathing are the worst. The actual chunk of sadness that wells up into a knot in your throat is agony. 

Every time I fuck something up I just want to die lol.