On Some Days, I Feel This Deep Longing

I kept spiraling with a lot of emotions the entire day, my anxiety and fears never stopped giving me a hard time. I thought of all things that could go wrong, all the ways that I'm incapable of love and maybe keeping it alive, all the ways I really truly desire people to be close to me yet I fear them being replaceable or me being replaced. Everything felt like a big puzzle, big chunk of questions kept coming to me, tarot readings made my days even worse, and despite it all. I just wanna sleep in my blanket and dream and feel safe and say this to myself that,

"Darling, if its the right person. The love will always stay. Love is always the answer. It will stay. Love will always stay. You'll know when you know."

Kurt Vonnegut, from Mother Night; "Chapter Six Hundred & Fourty Three,"

heaviness.

this week i felt so heavily taxed it’s like i’m being robbed of something.

i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be around anyone but a few, i don’t want to be perceived, i don’t want to be thought of. i don’t want the smiles from certain people because i don’t deserve them, i have fooled them with only a few actions they’ve seen of me and the surface that looks clean and flawless. that’s the thing— if only they knew me deeply would they maybe back the hell away, not smile as much, refuse to look me in the eye with such cordiality.

i am not even being cruel to myself. i am honesty right now. this heaviness weighs on my back like a load i can’t pretend isn’t there anymore. i look in the mirror and the reflection is so tired, so fed up. if only i could open the minds of people around me just to erase the memory of me from them and disappear somewhere. if only everyone forgot me for a second, and i had no trace of prior existence— a fresh start where i can begin newly again, where perhaps even i’d be known to myself as someone with less baggage, less of all the bad things that have happened to me and continue to happen under the surface which makes it all the more insidious and sickening. i am tired of myself. of the people who made me who i am today. i hope to get lighter. so much so that i fly away as if filled with helium, never to come back down on this wretched planet with its wretched people who see the worst in me and the deceived who see the best in me.

what if, all my life I just end up seeing everyone else fall in love? and wait for mine but it's never been close?

They say, "they want a lover." But I want something more than a lover. I want him in ways that make me feel weak, vulnerable, terrifying, possessive, and soft-hearted all at the same time. I want him to consume me, and I want to consume him. His entire world, his words, his thoughts, each and every breath that he takes with me. I want a lover that scares me to my core and rips me apart every night, only to be consumed by him in a way it feels like my entirety makes some sense. My existence should be threatened by him and possess him to explore me more and more and more until there's no more of us left within. I want to hold him in my arms and softly hum in his ears on days where the entire world is falling apart for him, where the existence seems to be denying us. I want him to love and love me and love me and love me until I feel like bitting him in the neck and leaving him breathless with all the tension between us. I want to see his soul and make him feel weak and strong both at the same time. And then when I leave him, I want him to crave for us like no other.

what is it that keeps me diving in and out of this mess, that is my heart?

I keep getting closer, yet so farther away

I wanna be touched, kissed, smothered

but at the same time held, caressed and loved

but also choked, pinned, and slammed

all these feelings yet I ask you the same question

where are you?

can you please come home soon?

can you please just hold me a lil bit higher?

can you not complain that I'm being needy?

and can you also not complain that I'm being distant with you?

Idk how to heal ny heart

idk how to feel anymore

I feel rushed and crushed under this pile of my age

I've 20,21,22 and 23

everyone of them have felt the same

I wanna change and runaway

I wanna hide and bite and kiss you all at the same time

Idk my extent of my emotions

Andrea Gibson

― Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma

last day of august.