T H E N U T S

if you step on a person’s foot they open their mouths, just like trash cans.

me @ myself at 6pm: okay i’m going to bed early today

me at 2am: haha pranked

so yesterday my boss (who is a big burly man with a lot of facial hair) was singing along to the radio and “wrecking ball” came on and he burst out “I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALLLLLL” and kicked a garbage can across the room

i’m still laughing

Lucien: Who the fuck-?

Damien: Language.

Lucien: ... Whom the fuck

Damien: No.

Funny Morning Commute Story:

A portly petite lady gets on the train. There’s an empty seat, but the dude next to it has man-spread so there’s little space to actually sit. The lady is undaunted, she says loudly “I think I will have a sit” as a warning and then squeezes herself in. The man does not attempt to reign in his man-spread.

The guy gets off on a next stop, and I’m not really paying attention to them anymore, except I hear the word “man-spread” so I instantly perk-up and look over. And then she says loudly:

“I’m sorry, but if you have such a great need to air out your balls, you need to be checked out for venereal diseases.” 

At some point during that sentence we make eye-contact and I must have a look on my face like I’m five and excited that I just heard a parent swear. Because she laughs, while I grin, because she knows I know what she’s talking about.

And that just made my morning like 10x better.

Reblog if LGBT+ members have a safe place on your blog

*presses reblog button violently*

I have been waiting all year to post this.

“No one is better at fucking us over than we are”

-The Misfits

pls dont stop inviting ur depressed loved ones 2 things even if they decline most of the time. knowing people still want 2 hang is immensely reassuring & accepting just one of the many invites can lead 2 something good &positive!!! dont give up on them!!! they need 2 kno theyre still wanted