Latest Posts by bernatk - Page 7

well that is London

One thing I've learnt: art, in its any form, is essential to life. Sometimes we find our piece of art in a person, then we judge them to be amazing, astonishing, outstanding, peculiar or curious, which they are.

Hello! I came to say hi and tell you your blog is nice. It's not like mine, full of random pictures I like but it's about your life. It's interesting how you describe things and even though I'm not a native English speaker, I can feel with you and understand every post you make. You wanna be a wirter? Here's your first fan! Again I like the way you write and describe your emotions and thoughts, so I wish you the best of lucks in your journey and tell you that you can count on me in anything, :)

Thank you, for this big piece of encouragement. It was completely out of the blue, so I really don't know what to say. Of course, other than thank you :) I'm terrible at promoting myself, so I have no clue, how I got you to be a fan of my writing but thank you. Again...

And don't worry about not being a native English speaker. I guess they are the minority on tumblr.

Feel free to interact with me in the future as much as you'd like. It's really an honour to recieve any reaction at all. I'm truly flattered.

:)

Converting friendship to love (?)

Today I had a very inspiring conversation about love. Someone asked me if my falling in love with my girlfriend was instantaneous. To give a sufficient answer, I had to start from a couple years ago.

In the first years of highschool I had a girlfriend, then we broke up. Then I was attracted to a girl I didn't actually know. It was a very mindless and surprisingly pricey crush/relationship, anyways hard to define and completely irrelevant... I had all these, while my girlfriend and I were only friends.

My experience was, that love is a relationship, where you can't fully trust the other, you have to provide, where feelings are forged and you can't be honest about it, where you kind of get all used-out for a made-up ideal, which doesn't even exist in real life. With this sad and depressing concept I often pictured myself lonely in the future.

HOWEVER, and this however is, I suppose, one of the most important howevers in my entire life, I had a very great friend. She was my secret's keeper, someone, who understood me and whom I understood just as much. She was the most important person to me and I was 100% aware of this but considering what Iknewabout love, I figured it's the best to be friends and not even the slightest bit lovers...

After a long and fruitful friendship, and some disappointing experiences with other girls, the big, romantic turn occured. We (I mean my girlfriend and I (of course)), went to a big christian youth conference, where there was a seminar about how we relate to the people. The preacher said, that we should inspect our lives and find the leaks on our relationships and go and try to mend them. My first thought was a girl I was very keen on getting to fall in love with me, who would've thought... BUT a little later that night, I realised how twisted my life was and more importantly my relationships. And then I started to have faith in love, where you care, you respect, you can be honest, and most of all, you finally are whole.

There was one person, who I felt all this with. And it wasn't and still isn't just some mindless emotional stuff. This is a wonderful, deep and meaningful relationship. It takes you to places you never thought existed. You feel its stunning heights and the somehow hopeful depths. It isn't contrary. It's honest and clean. It makes you balanced and your life seems to finally get on the right track.

I'm in love. Not in the blinded, naiv kind. It's true love and sometimes it comes along with troubles, no doubt, but it feels just right. I'm grateful for my wonderful Girlfriend. Whenever I look at her, or listen to her or just simply think of her, I know, that this is where I belong. She gives me that feeling, that I'm finally home.

I could write houndreds of books about my remaining thoughts on love but this is a piece, which I felt like sharing...

Others' fears are suspiciously often irrational, while ours are, suspiciously again, always justified.

An impressive study by my favourite artist :)

I made that this afternoon :)

miss you, too :) you are my constant inspiration

i miss you, my Dear! 

I wanna thrive, not just survive

"Feels like I travel but I never arrive" - sings Jon Foreman. I suppose it gets us all every now and then. We feel like we're doing so much, when at the same time our lives seem to be stuck at an unreasonable point.

Currently I've had the impression, that I'm working very hard, building a great relationship, doing everything possible. I sent out numerous query letters, to literary agents, in hopes of living one of my dreams: becoming a writer. Not neccesarily a full-time one, just any writer, who can change college and go from mechanical engineer to anything-else-with-which-I-can-be-a-writer-and/or-director... But it just doesn't happen! I'm not getting any response.

Do I suck, is that why they ignore me? This is what I've asked myself a thousand times. Insecurity and doubt, however, are just terrible lies. I say lies because they are totally unreasonable and useless. Oh and most of all pointless. This no-reply has nothing to do with my writing or with my letters, it's just the process, you dumbass, and when I say you dumbass I mean ME DUMBASS...

I've heard it so many times, that it's way too much, that: It isn't the finish line, which matters, but the road, that leads there. And: Enjoy life's wonderful journey, cos' that's what matters. But these are nonsense common-places. If I were given a dollar for every time I thought to myself: Oh, could you be any more wrong? - then  I wouldn't have to study at all after all...

I know this has been nothing but confusing so far but believe me, my conclusion is at the corner now :)

We (and personally I, but let's stay with we) do struggle a lot and we make serious efforts. Most likely day by day. And it seems, like our lives are going nowhere. Because we're not getting anywhere... But is this true? We all are full of potential and we all are called for so much more. The big, romantic turn waits after this moment. Whenever we're ready. If we want to thrive, and not just survive, there is a chance. We can always trust our lives into the hands of the Heavenly Father, who is already taking us there. And it's THAT there. The next moment may just be a moment for a miracle. Let's thrive :)

Timing living

I've been all about timing lately. If it was up to me, I'd live the rest of my life in one week. But of course it's futile thinking.

A very successful man was lecturing last Saturday, and he was giving business and life-leading tips. There was one point in his speech, which grabbed my attention and it found its way to deep inside my head: there are things, which we would urge but it is not YET time for them.

Yesterday (last night) I read the Bible, book of Esther, and the main motive, which I noticed is, that in that historical period, everything was going according to a plan. The participants of the story must have been just as lost, as I feel sometimes but looking at their whole life ine one, I must admit, that every little step had its own meaning and importance.

Maybe life is like a house, where every brick has a number on them, determining where they must be put. If we were to try to put the bricks not in order, the whole building would simply collapse... There's only one way to make it right: in order, step by step.

:)

some fly free as birds

Failing is better than giving up because failure shows what's not right, while giving up shows, that we didn't even deserve a chance.

Waiting is hard but it's better than having nothing to look forward to.

Letting go of control

I have sent out about a dozen query letters in the past one week. I had a list of about a houndred agencies and this is what I've got. Not very many...

I know they are busy people in this business and I know, that probably I'm not contributing the best, that there is. It's my first book after all, and while I'm wholly satisfied and I know what deep intents there are buried in this book, it's completely clear to me, that I am not the smartest person living or the greatest artist ever. I'm just one guy, who gets excited very easily and follows surreal dreams...

But this all is because I trust in my Maker. If he wants to, I'll be having a new mail tomorrow, informing me about a contract offer. He can do miracles and He can help me out of being stuck in my life.

I have a wonderful girlfriend, who encourages me a great deal and who loves me all the time, through good and bad (mostly bad). I know we're young but I really know She's the One for me...

I know I'm having a lot presently and I shouldn't be greedy. I shouldn't be always complaining about how my free-education sucks and how I want things. Perhaps I shouldn't be wanting certain things... I don't know. There are matters, which I am overly fond of and I have unchangeable concepts but I don't want to be like this.

I know my life's going somewhere. I feel it in my bones, that tomorrow may be a different day from all my previous ones. And all I have to do for that is to actually not to do anything. To let go of control. To live life to its fullest and not try to shape it. I feel so loved, despite every hardships I go through. I guess I'll just have to let my life go according to where Love leads.

I may sound like a hippie or someone high. But I'm neither (though hippies can get kinda cool :P (sometimes)). I just know, that I have a God, who gives me something to look forward to :)

A brief look-back to my book

I'm still working on the little extension thingies for my book. It's been over a year and a month, that I started writing it.

One night I had the weirdest dream, probably of my entire (rather short) existence, about these kids being tricked and trapped in Underworld... I remember, I was in the middle of another "novel" (which by the way I still have not finished :P), and I was just browsing among self-publishing companies. I randomly filled out a registration for one site, as to see what it would cost me to publish myactualwork. I don't know for what reason, but I clicked children's books category, and then things just got crazy in my head...

Nothing real was set in motion but the next day I was called by this publishing company. A very nice woman was politely asking me about mybook. It blew my mind. I felt like I was arealwriter. For no apparent reason I started telling about my dream, insted of the project I was making. What I said was to no extent collected or organised but it didn't bother me much, I was just speaking. Dreaming of getting published...

In one week I wrote like twenty-five, thirty pages. I was extremely thrilled. But, then my joy was soon overcome byreason. I was (and still am (for a hopefully short period of time)) monetarily dependent on my parents. The cheapest publishing package was about 2000 pounds if I remember correctly... Anyways, they said, that a book is not a good investment. So they gave me exactly 0.00 pounds to follow my dreams...

I never give up. I didn't give up then, either... In the coming two months I finished my book, had it revised by a published author, who became a very good friend of mine on the way... After that I sent my manuscript to another friend of mine, who resides in Michigan, U.S.. He used to be a professor of genetics and his knowledge is literally unprecedented. Though I hardly agree with him on anything... So he revised it, as well. He said, it's not really good but he sees some potential... This is kind of like the greatest compliment I've ever heard from him, so it was extremely delightful to me, despite its actual indifference :P

My endurance was always fueled by my beautiful Special Girl (I never know how to call her because girlfriendis kind of awkward and she's not my wife yet, so I'd feel uncomfortable with calling her my Half). She is the greatest artist I've seen, or heard, or known about. The inspiration and motivation she gave me are like this once-in-a-lifetime thing, which we always hear abot but can never truly depict... She never let me give in, or turn blue...

And now, after a year, I'm here. Still trying to make it better. But in this one year, I've learned, that I'm ready to leave my parents' house. For good. I'll write. I'll marry my girlfriend (according to my parents) before time. These are my plans and I know, that I shouldn't be crossing the bridge yet, but there's this thing, called faith. I know this is my path because I was instructed this way, by my Heavenly Instructor... I don't fear the shadows of my future, or even my present because I know, that nothing can go so wrong, as to prevent me from becoming the man, that I'm born to become.

can you check out my blog?<3 its photography/vintage^.^

I just did and it's lovely :)

Let your love be strong

"Falling down like broken satellites..." This is what Jon Foreman felt at some point in his life. I bet this wasn't just a one-time-experience, for I know it befalls on me over and over again.

I know where I'm headed, I know what I should do right now but I'm constantly wasting time from my life. It's when I don't shoot for the goal. Then it doesn't matter if I'm just sitting around, doing nothing or I'm purposefully transgressing morals, rules, anything... The effect is always the same: emptiness, being burn-out...

As I've said, I know where I'm headed. I know what I should do. It's so easy to picture myself as being an acknowledged novelist, director or such. I just sit here and imagine... And I also have great plans of finishing my first novel AT LAST. It's so clear what road leads there, what action is required now. But I'm just not on the right path. Momentarily...

However, as I said above, this is a temporary state, ergo, there is a way out. My momentary "crisis" can be settled, I can be revived very easily. There's this solution, which Jon Foreman sings about, he asks the Great I Am: Let your love be strong!

My world has to be resting on His love, and then I'm immediately out of the pit. Simple as that. Why? Because no matter what you're telling me, I feel His indescribable love, so I'm being moved externally. My miserable minutes are over, and maybe I can sing tomorrow's song earlier than expected :)

The loser

"Only the losers win, they've got nothing to lose..." sings Jon Foreman. And I'm kind of beginning to understand it to its depths. It can be read in countless other ways and I'M certain, that even he meant a different message than what's coming over to me...

I'm studying mechanical engineering in a prestigious university, so I'm supposed to be overly into it but I'm not. I mean to some extent I am and I can wholeheartedly say, that I get pretty easily excited for it but then I always become utmost guilty. It's because I know what I'll do: I'll write. Novels. Good and/or bad ones. But this is what I'll do. Maybe later, if I can manage, I'll become director of films. Or anything else. I know this is  what I'm really supposed to do. It's not because it's easy to give up because it's not... But I'm doing it to truly be moving in the direction, for which I am born. I know it's confusing but the point is, I know, that this is the Heavenly Plan - at least for now... I just don't know when to start...

PS.: I must note, that Jon Foreman was a drop-out from uni :) ;)

Starting University

When I was a child, I always said, that I want to be a mechanical engineer. I thought it's about designing cool aircrafts, spaceships, cars,iron man suits... Turns out, it's just a big load of maths.

I had this dream as a kid but in high school my visions for the future altered for numerous reasons: 1 - my very old friend, who is an utmost clever person (used to be a genetics professor (i'm not telling it to show off, just so that you can understand why his word mattered (level 3 ;)))), so he, told me, that there's "more" potential in me, than just being an ordinary engineer. I never quite understood what's ever so ordinary about a mechanical engineer btw... 2- my girlfriend told me the same. Well then I had to rethink my ideals, my reasons, everything. I realised, that there is actually much much more into life, than machines. (not according to Matrix)

But then, hereI am, studying mechanical engineering. It is actually a fun thing but I have so many other plans. Who knows if I'll wind up as a drop-out or not... Anyways, I feel, that if I'm here for once, then it's an opportunity. I don't want to let down the Great Organiser... I'll do my best, and we'll see what it turns out as.

The right answer is always figured out early on, when it isn't, it means, that you are not ready to know it.

Being Sherlock

Have you ever felt, that someone was talking to you like they were absoutely superior? As if they positioned themselves far over you intellectually? I suppose you hate those people but sadly... I am them.

The thing that bugs me the most in this wide world is stupidity and slow-thinking, thus I am impatient, egoistic and of course high-minded. But let's just take a step back: from my point of view, in obvious situations, I simply point out trivial truths. A phrase, which I find extremely fitting to use in most of the cases is "because I am right". How arrogant, isn't it?

But then, why do I treat people like that? It's because I've grown accustomed to behaving this way. When in an argument with my father, I never was (and still am not) allowed to reason because he considers that to be disrespect. What I've learned from this is, that though I am 99% right, reasoning and negotiating are not options. I know it's not good, sorry...

Taking it to a little more universal level: Why are there people, who have no compassion? Why can't we simply talk through things? What could be done?

Well, I must say, Sherlock is not Sherlock out of will but out of inevitability.

Randomness rules!

Broken from the sart

"Tonight honey, I'm gonna break your heart, mine was broken from the start" sings Jon Foreman. I've always been wondering  what it really means. The most obvious and seemingly most at-hand answer was something about love and break-ups. I thought I had nothing to do with it because I live in a very merry relationship and I have no reason to actbroken.

This simple line, however, uncovers something I am born into. But not only me, I'm convinced it's the same with almost all of us. What I'm talking about here is a mere detection of a common state of life. In fact I've heard of this so much, that I've even grown accustomed to it. It's the cycle. The cycle of what my heritage is...

Recently I created a huge deficit to my family, unconsciously and unintended. To be able to pay for this, my father had to give up few of his plans for the summer. I understood, that he was mad at me, this is alright after the monetary loss. But you know, what he kept saying was somewhat misled and unjust. He said I'm not grown-up, I'm a child, I can't make good decisions and I need supervision. Well, I am an adult in every aspect, though I moved back in with my parents because they live close to the university I'm in... Anyway, I tried to reason with him and be generous, so I offered to pay it all back and then came thebest: he said I cannot give him money I didn't get from him and I won't have a salary at least in the coming five years. (Momentarily I don't have a paying job, that's true, but I put up my pricey bow for sale, for which I worked very ardently a couple of years ago) I told my dad (with the hint of sarcasm, I admit), that it's improbable, that I wouldn't get a job soon. Then he started shouting and I lost interest...

First thought: this man's a fool, it was a wrong decision to move in with them, when I get paid for my book, I'll leave. But you know, this is it. I know my father had a very narcistic and controlling father. I know he tries very hard to be a good parent, though he never had a grown-up son. He might've simply reacted so strangely because of his anger and pain, I don't know. And really, this whole thing, this fighting and hurting penetrates through my family-line. I am predestined to be broken. I am predestined by my father, and his father and his father and so on. I heard countless family stories, how the fathers hurt and betrayed their sons. All differently. My father tries to do good but it comes out all wrong because he was broken from the start, and he didn't even know it... But I do. I now know and understand it. The question is, whether I break the cycle, or simply try hard, like my dad does...

And then, isn't it somewhat universal? Aren't we all coming up with secret burdens? Why do we see faulted and wounded people everywhere? And ultimately: what does it mean to break this cycle? I'm not giving you answers because this is not an open argument, it's just a pile of questions...

Randomness rules!

"What direction - Life begins at the intersection"

It's a Switchfoot quote. OK, I know they didn't actually invent the line but it's in one of their best songs: Faust, Midas and Myself. This piece of music is more literary, than most of the contemporary novels. I'm not gonna add much about the lyrics but the basic question which it implies is whether our goals and dreams are well-thought-out - if we could have them all.

Recently I've been given/offered grand opportunities. One is: two contract offers from a good-named publishing company. It was sort of a before-the-right-time because I decided to continue perfecting my book. I don't even know why I tried to catch their attention. But the amazing thing is, that it worked easy as cake. WOW! Though there's clearly not much that I did. The whole situation is only a link of favourable but un-controlled events. For which I am really grateful.

I must admit, that it doesn't make me special, no matter how much I feel that way. At best, it's a special piece of art, which is worth the mention. But me? Out of the picture. Life often brings us to unprecedented intersections. We are to choose the direction. But do we choose wisely? No. (It was a very strong, firm no...) You know, we could be anyone. Life has no limits at all. Our beliefs, however, can lock us away from the best existing possibilities. We really do believe, that we can't be big people, successful, or simply happy. We let the popular concept take over: we are under too much weight to be getting anywhere in our lives. But in fact, there is no place, nodirection, which we could not choose. I guess the metaphor is as complete as ever...

If it leaves open questions, then answer them, it's on purpose!

Randomness rules!

Some discipline

I've finished my book. At least a thousand times but still, here I am, working on it. But now it seems too much. Why isn't it simply done?!

I'm lucky though, because I never intended it to be for me. And the true recipient of the whole story always inspires me. Always. Even when she just comes to my mind. I always feel strong enough to eventually get to the other side.

I suppose we all have this feeling sometimes. I mean, I'm extremely lucky to have a special woman in my life but I cannot picture you, yes you my reader, without at least some very distant, unreachable person, whose glimpse would not make you do wonders.

Yeah, so get up and do your homework, Loki-head (I just made that up but seems terrible, however, I'm never deleting any stupid stuff, so it stays)!

Randomness rules, by the way...

Absence of celebration

When I was in elementary school, my dad always took me to get some ice cream, when it vacation started, because of my good grades. But it stopped with the beginning of middle school. Ever since, my birthdays have been celebrated only with my family, only was celebrated my girlfriend with me in private. I also had this graduation supper, where I got to be but a mere guest. I know it's not bad and I could be very grateful for this and I guess this all's just 'coz my ego can grow very rapidly but still, sometimes I really want to be celebrated. Today, like an hour ago, I finished the revision of my book. It's not in the phase of getting published or anything, though I count it as a huge step. But I'm sitting in my room, alone, typing this entry. When I finished the first manuscript (a very raw one) i got to go on a walk alone in the park.

You know, I'm not trying to get your empathy. I don't really need that. It just hit me, that I can celebrate alone. And so I will. I've had enough of dreaming of this. You know, I'm a believer, so I wouldn't say, that it's my achievement, ergo I'll mostly celebrate my heavenly Father. He always amazes me. Just like with this.

Randomness rules!

Procrastinating and ending it

Yes, so I've been indulging myself with a lot of things lately just because everything was looking so very up. But this 'era of peace' is over. Not that something is spoiling my life's apparent balance, simply I am lusting for more concentrated self-induced chaos. By that I mean of course work. Unlike most modern artists, I wouldn't want to be given that free space for creativity, but I really wish to be active and not in only one field but in as many as I can possibly manage. Getting work done! starting TOMORROW! (for a fact)

Remember this: randomness rules ;)