Diary Entry #25 (one Mostly About Something Not Trans-related... Yay?)

*writing my stupid little fanfiction*

*looks down at ipad*

[ID: a picture of a cat screaming superimposed on a simple background; the cat is screaming "WHY IS IT SO ASS???". There's an ipad which says "stupid fanfiction that isn't good but is bouncing around in my brain and won't leave". /END ID]

Nah but let’s talk abt how ppl use disability terms/harmful stereotypes/ derogatory words so casually this disabled pride month (tw ableism below)

The new terms are “sch*zoposting” and “delulu” but shit like this has been around for years and it’s so incredibly frustrating.

Another example is those TikTok POVS about “the weird kid in class” but they are all stereotypes of autistic ppl.

Or the misuse of the word triggered, the misuse of the word OCD, the misuse of gaslighting, of cr*pple, “are you deaf?” “Are you blind?” “Hellen Keller isn’t real.” I could go on and on but I will simply say this.

Disabled people are real people with feelings, emotions and lives. We deserve to use the terms that we need to COMFORTABLY. We deserve to exist without people taking the language used in the context of ourselves and putting it in a negative light.

We deserve to exist.

We deserve happiness.

Check in on your disabled friends.

Don’t assume things about people you don’t know.

True. Happened to me (I made the post not the art)

the song made me giggle a lil as a trans guy

Diary Entry #9

Tw internalized fatphobia ig, ed, dysphoria (but this is not an ed blog I'm just talking about this one time) diary entry under the cut

I can't stop binge eating, like it's actually a problem. I've been binge eating for at least 4 years, I hate it. I've tried everything to get rid of it. I'm in a terrible predicament where if I don't starve myself in the day then I will gain weight. I've had at least 3 ed accounts across different platforms, one of them is still floating out there somewhere. It was always awful and I feel bad looking back, I wasn't one of those accounts who were actively fatphobic because I'm not completely awful, but it probably wasn't great for my mental health.

But I think I've realized something. I wouldn't mind being fat if I looked like a guy, or at least I wouldn't mind it nearly as much. Whenever I starved myself, half the reason was to get rid of my boobs, I just hate(d) them so much. I always got caught starving, and I would always get yelled at.

There was no point to it. I would always get caught. But I wanted just a little bit of control over my life. Whenever I move out, I'll have control over my life. I won't have to be sneaky, I won't have to hide stuff. Life won't be perfect, but I won't have to hide who I am.

I hate my life as it is. I shouldn't really, as a lot of others have it much, much worse. But I can't help it. I'm living a lie, I'm not a girl and I don't want to pretend any longer. But I have no choice until I move out. Not everyone is so lucky with the ability to move out.

Sorry this entry was dark, I don't know what else to talk about.

Diary entry #1 :)

I had a dream where I went through the timeline of my voice on T. Not on T yet, the dream made me so happy and I was so goddamn sad when I woke up. Also it had something to do with furbies, that's all I remember.

Sometimes I watch Jamie's (Jammidodger's) vid on his transition timeline and it makes me want to weep. I've basically had almost 4 years of my life stolen from me bc my grandparents are very unsupportive and I'm nearly to the finish line (getting T and getting my apartment) but it feels like I keep tripping on the track. I could've been nearly 4 years on T if my grandparents just fucking listened to me when I started questioning. Instead of thinking I'm a stupid "girl" who can't think for "herself".

But on a brighter note I'm learning how to drive and also have a job now. Like I said, close to the finish line. I kept on dissociating or something at my job, like my body is technically there vacuuming but I'm somewhere else entirely. Just feels like I'm wearing a suit that doesn't fit how I actually look, and my brain is really, really freaked out by it.

Original Work, based off of Dance of the Corpses/Shikabane No Odori by Kikuo!! Listen to it it's great :)

Making this made me feel like I was dying (I was doing a fun activity idk what's wrong with me lol)

Please like this or I'll be stung by a thousand bees 💔💔💔/jjj