Diary Entry #21
Diary Entry #21
This one is very angry and talking about transphobes (and also a brief mention of sui attempts/sh) so... i don't know here's your warning
I don't know why I'm so nice to my grandparents. Even in the letter I'm going to give to them when I move out I can't help but to let myself be a rug for everyone in my life.
I got my grandma a refurbished new phone. I got my grandpa very nice stuff too. I'm constantly being nice to them. Every time I'm nice to them a part of me reminds myself that these people abandoned the real me for being trans, essentially. They shut me down every single fucking time I try to tell them "THIS IS KILLING ME PLEASE GOD HELP."
There's nothing I could ever say to even let me do something simple like cutting my hair. They're too prideful, too concerned with their reputations.
They love deadname, they love her very much, but they despise August and wish that the true me would go away. But it won't, because of course it won't, because it's who I am. They would rather let me mutilate myself and try to kms than maybe, MAYBE listening to me.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just killed myself. I can't die a girl, but I have no idea what else would make them listen. And even then, they can console themselves with the false notion that they tried to save me. But it wouldn't be true, and we would've both known that.
They are nice 95% of the time but the ugliness of their ideologies shine through sometimes and disgusts me, and then I hate myself for being so stupid and thinking that they care. They care, but only in the sense that they care about deadname and not me. They couldn't even handle me when i thought I was a lesbian, what the fuck did I expect?
I keep on deluding myself that if I just say the right thing, if I try hard enough, if I'm agreeable enough, maybe they'd listen. But I know this isn't true, no matter how much I'd like it to be. I wish they were cruel more often, as awful as it sounds, so I had some leg to stand on, to not constantly doubt myself.
Every family member I've ever had has hates trans people, my aunts, uncles, father, grandmother/fathers, my cousins, everyone hates trans people. I don't know what we could've possibly done wrong to garner this horrible hatred.
I'm paranoid to come out to my coworkers because what if there's a transphobe among them and they report me? What then? I need to tell someone but there's no one to tell and it's tearing me apart from the inside.
I look at people on the street, at work, etc. and I know that statistically a lot of them hate me based on who I am. It's a terrible life to live, I don't want it but I have to. There's no one to help.
More Posts from Auggieoof and Others
I'M LITERALLY EXPLODING Y'ALL LOOK AT THIS ANIMATION PLEASE!!!!
(Not mine but I adore this so much)
Spoilers for I Saw The Tv Glow under cut
This movie hit very deep for me, almost in a primal sense. I'm shaking typing this out and after watching it. I don't understand it 100% but I feel like the message hit me in some way that is hard to comprehend. I sketched this out very quickly, so that's why it kind of sucks.
It's hard to describe why I enjoyed it so much, but I throughly enjoyed it.
8 page zine about suicide, transness, and praxis
“Don’t become a statistic”? At all costs, don’t let transgenders die
Here’s some transgenders you can support if you liked this zine
Venmo: tomi-nabach
Ko-fi: remspeedwagon
And if you like me
Venmo: fubblers
NORMALIZE loving horror movies but also NORMALIZE covering your eyes during them because you are a SCARED LITTLE FREAK
(Just watched The Fly i loved it but uh, hoo boy)
Diary Entry #25 (one mostly about something not trans-related... yay?)
I was stimming so much at work today. Or maybe ticcing or whatever bc I couldn't stop. It exhausted me more than actually working my shift. I wasn't feeling any particular way, I just got a bad stim/tic day just for some random reason ig.
My main tics/stims rn are sighing really deep, cracking my elbows, and inhaling hard with my nose. It probably looks really weird but I can't really help it. I guess that'd be more of a tic than a stim? I don't know if you can have tics without tourette's, i think I read that somewhere but like. i'm not sure.
I worry that I'll freak people out more whenever I pass as male or even as a trans male. I think it's worth the price of being seen as myself, it's just a minor concern i have. I'm really talkative and I worry about freaking out women. I don't act like a creep obviously, but I do appear autistic to most people and I am aware that people can be uncomfortable with me, even though I look like a girl.
If anyone with tics/stims can help me out here that'd be appreciated. I don't really know the difference.
Diary entry #12
Cw - negative mental health talk and politics sorta again
I need to move to Illinois I need to move to Illinois I need to mov
I'm trying to tell my grandparents I want to go to college in Illinois but I still don't know if they'll like let me y'know? They seemed kind of lukewarm to it. I'm an adult and should be able to make my own decisions but I'm terrified of them. I don't know why, even. The worst they do is scream.
They still think I'm "on the Trump train" as my grandpa puts it. Of course I'm not a fucking fan of Trump, he's a risk to everything I love!!!
I found a community college in Illinois I want to go to; hopefully they'll let me or else I'm screwed. I don't know if Missouri will ban HRT for adults, but I have a feeling they will.
My mental health hasn't been stable recently. I keep on being nice to my grandparents and I don't know why, they can't even gender me right and they think that I'm basically a joke. Just thinking about how they've denied me care fucking infuriates me but I can't help but to be nice to them!! They're nice to me in every other way, it's just this "boy thing" (their words, not mine) that they despise me for.
I'm lucky, and should be grateful but I'm not. They could've killed me or kicked me out or something for being queer. I'm filled with so much rage but have nothing to take it out on besides myself.
I'm happy to be alive most times, but I don't want to be alive as someone I'm not. I had hope, I still kind of do, but it's going to be a rough 4 years. I don't know how I'm going to explain to them that this lack of T is going to kill me, I don't think I can.
be free!!
Okay it seems like when you post in a community, it doesn't allow you to post outside of the community yet. Sooooo... here is Adrian/Alucard Tepes from Castlevania! I was feeling a bit dysphoric when I was drawing at the time, so I wanted to give one of my favourite characters top surgery scars <3 Hopefully I'll get there soon myself, just a little more!
RAAHHHHH I LOVE ART SO MUCH!!!!
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19 Trans FTM and pansexualSpecial Interests: Pizza Tower, FNAF, DHMIS, Vocaloid/UTAUloid/Maidloid, trans issues/rights, Mario, PvZ, Spooky Month, and many more!Hope you like my page lol
271 posts