Thinking About Buying Myself A Binder… But How Would I Hide The Purchase? Idk It Makes Me Anxious.

I AM SCREAMING HOLY SHIT TOMODACHI LIFE WAS MY SHIT WHEN I WAS A KID!!!

I kinda feel like I kind of grew up like this:

Little kid (kinda gender neutral childhood, I didn't feel pressured to be anything. I looked like a little girl, but my childhood was more masculine kinda) -> hell™️ (puberty, first E puberty hopefully I'll have my T puberty soon!) -> purgatory (my current stage, waiting to move out and start my life.)

I was very detached from femininity most of my life; I have and had masculine hobbies and interests, stuff like that, but it's like I was cursed to grow up in a body that didn't suit me.

It kinda feels like I was not a female-looking and feeling person until my puberty.

Hope this made sense!

The trans FTM experience of not knowing how to feel about your detachment from femininity and growing up a woman

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Diary entry #15

Feeling a little bit better. I've been reading a lot recently, the pvz comics and also "american teenager" which is a book about trans kids' perspectives! It's really good so far!

My brain is whirring with different fanfic ideas.

I ordered a crazy dave figure and sunflower plushie and I'm so excited!! I wish they shipped soon but whatever i guess lol

This is the first line of official pvz merch in forever. I wish they made an Edgar Zomboss figure or plushie or whatever but I'll take what I can get haha!

I know I'm just distracting myself from the horrible reality ahead but it's nice to be distracted sometimes

I think I'm at like peak hyperfixation when it comes to plants vs zombies; idk how much longer it's going to last but judging on my other hyperfixations it might be a year or more before it fully fades.

[ID: a screenshot of a Youtooz pre-order with a Crazy Dave figure and Sunflower plush /END ID]

Diary entry #12

Cw - negative mental health talk and politics sorta again

I need to move to Illinois I need to move to Illinois I need to mov

I'm trying to tell my grandparents I want to go to college in Illinois but I still don't know if they'll like let me y'know? They seemed kind of lukewarm to it. I'm an adult and should be able to make my own decisions but I'm terrified of them. I don't know why, even. The worst they do is scream.

They still think I'm "on the Trump train" as my grandpa puts it. Of course I'm not a fucking fan of Trump, he's a risk to everything I love!!!

I found a community college in Illinois I want to go to; hopefully they'll let me or else I'm screwed. I don't know if Missouri will ban HRT for adults, but I have a feeling they will.

My mental health hasn't been stable recently. I keep on being nice to my grandparents and I don't know why, they can't even gender me right and they think that I'm basically a joke. Just thinking about how they've denied me care fucking infuriates me but I can't help but to be nice to them!! They're nice to me in every other way, it's just this "boy thing" (their words, not mine) that they despise me for.

I'm lucky, and should be grateful but I'm not. They could've killed me or kicked me out or something for being queer. I'm filled with so much rage but have nothing to take it out on besides myself.

I'm happy to be alive most times, but I don't want to be alive as someone I'm not. I had hope, I still kind of do, but it's going to be a rough 4 years. I don't know how I'm going to explain to them that this lack of T is going to kill me, I don't think I can.

I don't think you're a trans ally until you accept trans people who don't want to transition. And I don't just mean medically.

I mean trans men who look indistinguishable from cis women and trans women who look indistinguishable from cis men and they're happy like that. Who have no intention of changing their style, presentation, or even pronouns.

Some women don't look like the stereotypical idea of "woman" and it's the same for men. But they're still men and women. I need you to understand that gender has no bearing on appearance and people's comfort in their own bodies is more important than the fictional idea of what manhood and womanhood looks like.

And, yes, some people can't transition due to disability or funds or whatever and they're included in this, yes. But you need to accept people who don't want to either. Who willingly make the choice to not transition in any way because that's how they're the most comfortable.

A trans person who doesn't transition is just as much their gender as anyone else of that same gender. Please get that through your head.

To any trans men who don't want to transition or change their appearance in any way: You're a man. You've always been a man. You will always be a man.

To any trans women who don't want to transition or change their appearance in any way: You're a woman. You've always been a woman. You will always be a woman.

The way your body looks doesn't matter in the slightest, your gender is real and legitimate and valid regardless of any other factors.

I am very stupid :)

ipad kid raichu my beloved

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