Latest Posts by 885572 - Page 6

Having only recently realized as a 21 year old that I definitely have autism, I’m gonna make a list of all the things I thought were just me being weird or even that I thought everyone also did but were actually symptoms like omfg.

This is obviously a list of my own personal experiences and also kind of just for me to get it out there, but please feel free to reblog or reply with yours if you’re also coming to realization later in life!! 💞

1. AUDITORY PROCESSING DISORDER!! This was the tipping point for me realizing. I always thought I was just hard of hearing but nope!!! I can remember being 16 and trying to explain this to my old psychiatrist as everyone “sounding like they’re speaking simlish” which obviously fans of The Sims know is just gibberish, but she was interpreting it as me just knowing a whole other defined language 🤦🏻‍♀️ Which actually brings me to my next point…

2. Trying to explain things to people in a way that totally makes sense to me but barely anyone seems to understand what I’m trying to say. Like the words are wrong I guess, but they’re the only ones I can think of so I get seriously stumped. And then I try to correct myself but after two attempts and the person is still not getting it I just give up. Then there’s the even worse side of this where I’m just talking or making a joke but then my mom gets mad at me because I’m being “rude” but I don’t understand why. I’m not sure if I just wasn’t conveying my intentions properly or if I did actually say something rude and I just don’t know it. This fear has caused me to have really bad anxiety.

3. Asking someone a question but they don’t answer “the right way” so you just ask them again (and sometimes several more times). But not always right away and also you don’t always realize you’re asking again.

4. Thinking of how much mental and physical effort it takes to speak and becoming so extremely overwhelmed by it that you just remain silent, sometimes not by choice

5. In conversations with others and you’re spending the whole time formulating in your head what the “normal” response is rather than just naturally responding

6. ALWAYS GODDAMN BOUNCING MY LEG, tapping my foot, moving my arms, playing with my hair (a big one for movement and also touch stim), wiggling my toes (if I’m trying to be descreet), or just simply moving literally all of the time. I always thought I was just antsy but no. I cannot stop, I always have to be moving. People look at me weird.

7. Loud noises scaring me more than they should. The most prominent time I remember was getting so extremely scared to the point of tears every single time I’m at a parade and the fire trucks come by with ALL of their sirens on. Still to this very day. Even just hearing sirens close to me gives me anxiety it’s so loud

8. Total inability to retain focus on things. And actually I’ve known I have ADD for a few years but I didn’t think it was more than that.

9. If someone says something and the way they said it had a lovely cadence or it was just said funny or interestingly, I immedietly just repeat it in the same tone and pace without even thinking. It’s not even to make fun of someone, I just thought it sounded cool, but sometimes people get offended ://

what it’s like to learn that you’re autistic as an adult.

“im a seed

and i’ve been sowed on to sand.

my whole life i’m raised as a crop seed, like my friends and family. so that’s what i believe i am.

but i can see them growing, and im still just a seed.

i just don’t fit in.

i wonder whats was wrong with me.

i start to think maybe i’m a bad seed, not meant to be successful.

When i turned 18 i was pulled into the ocean by the tide.

i’m panicking because i know i can’t survive out here alone. no one prepared me for this.

i get to the bottom of the ocean.

i realize this is reality. there’s nothing i can do about it. this is just adulthood.

i start to sprout.

the only way this is possible is if im actually a sea plant. but there’s no way. my parents would have told me.

but i never was a crop seed.

i’ve always been sea weed.

i start to grow.

and i realize there was never anything wrong with me.

so now i know who i am, and i can live the rest of my life. happily, a sea weed.”

What it's like to have conversations with someone who has Autism Spectrum Disorder and/or ADHD

(Spoken from my own experience)

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a kid, and ASD a few weeks ago.

I didn't have many friends because I was seen as annoying when I'd talk about my soexial intrests.

I try to control myself when I talk about something I'm incredibly interested in, but sometimes I do go too far.

I'd suggest letting an autistic person "talk it out" until they retire a subject. But from my experience I don't know when to quit.

So please when you would like to get an autistic person to retire a subject, DO NOT YELL AT THEM!

Spoken from personal experience, I was talking very intensely about a special intrest to a friend and without realizing it started yelling.

This friend decided to yell at me back, not in a mean way but to try to get me to be quitet.

I forget that other people have different opinions and that it's weird to get so passionate about certain topics.

That person yelling at me broke my self confidence and I immediately shut up and retracted from talking completely.

I knew if I started talking again I would start crying so I just didn't talk at all.

Sometimes it really feels like I'm an alien trying to understand when someone gets tired of me.

Is there anyone who gets what im saying?

I feel really alone.

Can you talk about the difference between autistic and non-autistic “insistence on sameness”?

I wear slight variations of the same clothes every day, I eat the same things over and over, I never want to watch new movies or tv shows or read new books, as a child my parents Could Not get me to try new foods outside of my specific preferred foods… my mum says I was “just never open to new things”.

But I can handle change/the new, even if I don’t like it. If I had to wear different clothes tomorrow I wouldn’t like it but I could function. New foods are harder than that but as long as they’re not lumpy/slimy I can try them now…

What do you think?

Each autistic experience of "sameness" is different because it highly depends on the why. Some routines or sameness are because of sensory issues, others may be due to anxieties or mental safety.

NT sameness may be because it's easier, comfortable or just enjoyable. Autistics can also experience this.

Major key difference is that autistics can experience great distress if things are changed without notice or not enough time given.

Examples:

Eating the same food: autistic may do so because it's the only foods that are safe for their sensory needs. A NT just likes that food.

Travelling the same route home: autistic may do this because it's a guaranteed way home with no surprises. They will struggle with detours. A NT just knows it takes them home. Why change?

Wearing the same clothing: an autistic may do this because of sensory issues or difficulties understanding fashionable trends. These clothes help them survive day to day. An NT may do it because "is their fashion".

And depending on your level of sensitivity in that area, you may be able to handle changes more easily than an autistic who struggles.

I have low oral/taste sensitivity. So I samefood, but will have no to low distress if I had to eat something slightly different (as long as it's on my safe food list).

But, I have high sound sensitivity, so going to a new shop and finding out I don't have my noise cancelling headphones may put me into shutdown.

Another autistic may struggle with the opposites to me.

I’m trying to figure out if I might be autistic but it’s hard, in part because while I was always bossy growing up and I always dominated conversations I was interested in, when I was about 21 I found out that some people literally asked my best friend if I was “intending to be an asshole” and that was really crushing to me so I took a course in not being an asshole basically, and learned that you’re supposed to ask questions and whatnot… and now I don’t know what’s stuff I’ve learned and what’s natural to me, in conversation.

Taking a course like that kind of seems like an autistic way to go about it though?

I have things that fit into all the criteria, but I’m not sure they’re significant enough for autism. Maybe I’m just domineering and fussy with food and prefer my current things to new things? I don’t like eye contact and I don’t like to be touched, but none of it seems to get to the extent that anyone would ever diagnose me - especially as a woman.

Sorry to dump, I just needed to share/ask for another perspective ❤️

The social difficulties is very common with autistics. And, always, it's the why you did those things that matter.

An autistic child, as an example, will dominate a conversation because they don't understand that conversation is supposed to be a back and forth... They think what they're excited about is exciting to all those involved and therefore are having a conversation. Because conversation is just talking, right? And now, these people get to learn all that you know!

There is also an element of difficulty concentrating on a conversation. An autistic, on average, can follow a conversation for about 5 minutes before they will start to struggle (or so my therapist told me and it's definitely true for me). Not necessarily because we find the conversation boring, but because social interaction isn't innate for us, so we're using twice as much energy to process what's being said to us.

Other neurodivergences, such as ADHD, can also struggle with conversation, but usually due to hyperactivity (getting excited by what's being said, getting stuck in something that was said and needing to talk about it, talking fast and/or loudly etc).

So, to a neurotypical, they don't see that we're "having a conversation" with them... They see someone not letting them talk. Even though we're enjoying ourselves and showing love and friendship. NTs don't see that.

And then to struggle to concentrate when they finally do get to talk? What asshole behaviour... except it's not. It's just how our brains work. We're not wanting to struggle.

Most kids are forced to mask this either by scripting, mirroring, or reading books. I learnt by scripting, and it's fucking exhausting.

So how can you tell if this is something you learnt naturally or masking?

Are you constantly checking yourself during conversations?

Are you hyper aware of how much time to speak, cutting yourself off if your alloted time is up?

Do you ask standardized questions to start the flow of conversation?

Do you force yourself to avoid special interest topics or have to force yourself to stop talking, even if the other person shows interest, out of fear you're hijacking the conversation?

Are you unable to actually tell if someone is interested in what you're saying, so you assume they're bored so as not to insult them? You fear breaking whatever conversation rules you have been taught?

The above are very very common with autistic masking and scripting.

I’ve experienced two bereavements in a very short period of time. My (undiagnosed) autism is making this trauma even more difficult. I feel physically ill all the time, I can’t do anything but at the same time I can’t process anything. I have barely cried and don’t even feel like this is real, or that it’s even me experiencing this. It doesn’t help that my family don’t accept me being autistic, so when I try to explain that I’m overwhelmed, anxious and experiencing sensory overload more, they just ignore that there’s even anything for me to be upset about. I just don’t know what to do.

I am really sorry you're experiencing grief so close together.

It is well known that Autistics experience grief very differently to neurotypicals. We process it far slower, experience far more inner turmoil with less ability to express it, and this can lead to a long-term burnout/shutdown relationship, where we're more sensitive to sensory input but instead of meltdowns we are trapped in our grief.

I don't know how to get your family to accept your autism, but the fact that grief is experienced differently by everyone should be enough for their compassion. It's cruel that they don't recognise that for you.

THINKING PERSON'S GUIDE TO AUTISM

Autistic Grief Is Not Like Neurotypical Grief — THINKING PERSON'S GUIDE TO AUTISM

You see, every brain only has so much space in which to process information, and if a very large part of that is consumed with emotions, it

what are some autistic traits that not many people talk about? or generally that are lesser known traits?

This one is difficult, only because autism is so different for everyone. But, things I've come across that are common that are not the typical "difficulties with social interaction":

Lack of facial expressions or inappropriate facial expressions to the mood

Talking too loudly or too softly

Gastrointestinal issues

Difficulties with walking, like not swinging arms, or odd postures

Almost falling over constantly, or bad balance

Walking into door frames or walls or furniture or people

Lack of fear at a young age or being overly cautious at a young age (well before the usual developmental milestones)

Lack of self-understanding, such as when we're thirsty, hungry, need to use the toilet etc

Sitting in awkward positions

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (higher rates of this co-occuring with autism)

Emotional attachment to inanimate objects

Being LGBTQ+ (higher rates in the autistic community, percentage wise.)

Eating disorders

Quick anger over "unimportant" things, with a sudden and quick cool down

Either a lack of an internal world (aphantasia) or an over active imagination that can dominate their real world

Maladaptive daydreaming (related to the above)

And that's just from the top of my head. There are heaps more, and there are so many that aren't the "can't understand conversation" traits.

I feel as if I’m made to understand but not to be understood.

is it an autistic / nd thing to say the word of something as you see it?

like i saw a bag of dirt and immediately said “dirt”, i do this with a lot of things and didn’t think it was weird until someone pointed it out

I think this is a form of echolalia (though, it probably has its own name, but I couldn't find it). I definitely do it.

I'll often say an item out loud, read signs out loud, read trucks or delivery cars out loud etc. I mostly do it when I'm very tired or sometimes when I'm really happy and not masking.

Is it an autistic thing to get really attached to people and want to be their friend even if they don’t really like you

I was thinking about one time I was really annoyed that someone kept talking to me and confused because I didn’t know them but they were probably nd and Infodumping, but it was about my special interest at the time so idk why I would have been annoyed

Then I remembered I was talking to someone I really wanted to be my friend, and I started thinking about how sometimes I’ll really want someone to be my friend and resent it when other people want to talk to me when I’m trying to talk to that person

Is that an autistic thing or am I just really weird?

This could be related to your autism, mainly because we can struggle with understanding the correct pathway to friendship.

This can lead to several erroneous thought patterns, including:

Anyone who is nice to me is a friend

Anyone who I deem a friend is a friend

Taking over a game/conversation etc is how I make them my friend

They are not allowed other friends or should not include them when they're with me

And many other bad thought patterns that come from logical thinking of how we think friendship should work. This nuanced dance around is not logical, so is ignored or bypassed.

Unfortunately, this can lead to us being labelled weird, bossy, rude, freak, r* word, and being ostracized before the ability to form a friendship can even occur.

Source ~ Twitter OMGImAutisticAF

"My whole life, I enjoyed big family gatherings but also would have to go run off and hide somewhere quiet by myself for awhile and get away from it all. I never knew why I needed to get away from the people I wanted to be around. Now I know it was sensory overload."

ingo submas and rina love live! are autistic icons and you cant prove me wrong

"Look me in the eyes when I'm talking to you."

Sorry, I can't even look TV characters in the eye. You're definitely not getting a free pass just because you're live.

Source ~ Autism Women's Network

What is Autistic Burnout?

Signs:

Lack of motivation (hard to care about goals when everyday life is overwhelming)

Loss of executive functioning abilities (decision making, organisation etc)

Difficulty with self care

Easier to reach overload or meltdown

Loss of speech, selective mutism

Lethargy, exhaustion

Illness, digestive issues

Memory loss

Inability to maintain masks or use social skills

Overall seeming "more autisic" or stereotypical

May have a period of high energy before collapse

Causes:

Passing as neurotypical/suppressing traits

Doing "too much", too much stress

Ageing: needing more downtime, having less energy

Changes, good or bad (relationships, jobs, living arrangements, belongings, environment, routines...)

Sleep deprivation, poor nutrition, dehydration

Illness

Sensory or emotional overload

Strategies:

Time

Scheduling breaks, managing spoons

Leave of absence

Stimming, sensory diet

Exercise

Massage

Reminders and support

Routines

Better environment/job/etc

Boundaries, saying 'no'

Dropping the mask/facade

Solitude

Absolute quiet

Creative projects, passions, special interests

Paying attention to reactions and your body

The goal is not to meet neruotypical life milestones and ideas of independence. The goal is to have a life where you are happy and have the support you need.

THIS!!!!!

[ID: Gray text on a peach backround that reads, "Autistic people may refer to analogies, metaphors, song lyrics, or pop culture references to help us communicate our feelings. Please don't disgard what we're saying if we use song lyrics or too many metaphors, or actual movie dialogues. We're trying to convey what we are feeling. Just because we borrow other people's words for it doesn't mean it's less valid." End Description.]

Knowing two autistics with such vastly different needs is a real mind trip.

One works full-time, can make small talk (although she really struggles), can shop and go out (she hates it though and needs lots of notice), talks "normal", interacts and understands people with only limited troubles.

Then, the other one has to use AAC at times, makes no facial expressions, and if they do talk it's monotone, can't hold a conversation without extreme exhaustion, has frequent shutdowns and loathes her difficulties. She stims and self-harms.

The fact that they're both me, is what people don't realise.

Don't assume autistic needs based on the brief mask they present you.

Alexithymia be like "I'm upset but I don't know why...or maybe it's depression? Possible I'm tired. I'm tired. Or depressed. No, I don't feel depressed. But I'm upset. Wait...no. I'm bored. Great...now I'm upset."

why am i incapable of expressing myself. i get excited i’m like “i’m gonna SHIT EVERYWHERE.” girl what.

For some reason I couldn’t actually answer the ask with the emojis, but this is for the anon that requested: Sensory overload? As a word or an actual emoji would be good

This took a while since it was hard to decide on what symbolism to use (I experience sensory overload myself, but it was still difficult haha), but here you go!

[ID: three emojis: two faces, and one word emoji. The first two are of an emoji face experiencing sensory overload, represented by warped radar-like waves from all angles. The first has a distressed expression, while the second has a dull, neutral expression. The third is the phrase “sensory overload” written in purple bubble letters. /End ID]

i hate casual ableism cause if i try to defend myself i just sound like jughead

them: "omg stop [insert nd trait], just act normal"

me: "bitch i cant, im literally not normal. the synapses in my brain are physically different. im weird ok?? im a weirdo. have you ever seen me make eye contact? no, you fucking havent. THATS WEIRD."

Someone: Can you please stop repeating that movement/sound/phrase?

Me:

Although my autism diagnosis is a big relief, I feel sad for myself. For all the years being mistreated and misunderstood and expected to do more than I was able to. For all that time I spent hating myself for not being independent or for hitting developmental milestones slower than my peers. For all the times I tried to push myself to do things that drained the life and joy out of me. My autism diagnosis is a great thing. But i can't help but feel sad for that guy. I cant help but mourn the childhood I could have had.

that feeling when *goes nonverbal*

When I listen to my mother talk about me as a child, I feel such an overwhelming confusion and disconnect. With the way she remembers me, it would seem as if I had no clear personality of my own. I hardly cried or laughed as a baby, I never got into trouble to the point that I'd never even been disciplined, I followed all the rules, I excelled at all my schoolwork but never boasted, I had vague interests but nothing intense, I was kind and friendly but I didn't push for friends, etc.

The perfect child. Perfectly average traits.

I read "The Divided Self" by R.D. Laing recently.

One of the things that gave me the greatest feelings of validation and relief from that book are the childhoods of the patients he talks about- before this, I've never seen such a clear example of my own childhood painted in a light that resonates with me.

None of the patients he provided had explicitly abusive childhoods, and none of them remembered their childhoods as particularly traumatic. Of course, most recalled their parents as some mixture of distant and unpredictable, and in some cases there was definitely emotional neglect and verbal abuse, but it was passing and not incredibly eventful. (I am not making light of anyone's experiences, I'm speaking only about the example patients' own accounts).

Many of the patients and the patients' families tell tales that mirror my own: "Julie was never a demanding baby. She was weaned without difficulty. Her mother had no bother with her from the day she took off nappies completely when she was fifteen months old. She was never 'a trouble'. She always did what she was told. These are the mother's basic generalizations in support of the view that Julie was always a 'good' child."

Most interestingly, the author hears these accounts both from the patients and the patients' family, and he sees them as negative. In contrast to literally everyone else I've opened up to, he says, "I have come to regard such an account of the earliest origins of behaviour as especially ominous, when the parents sense nothing amiss in it all, but on the contrary mention it with evident pride.”

The author goes on referring to the patient Julie, "This is the description of a child who has in some way never come alive: for a really alive baby is demanding, is a trouble, and by no means always does what she is told. [...] The crucial thing seems to me to be that [Julie's mother] evidently takes just those things which I take to be expressions of an inner deadness in the child as expressions of the utmost goodness, health, normality."

Complete and total compliance and obedience is NOT normal from a child (nor from anyone, I would argue but that's not the point). Children have to make mistakes and cause problems and stand up for themselves in order to learn how to live and be their own person! If a child doesn't do that and is only ever praised for their lack of autonomy, they're not going to grow into a secure personhood.

It is very important to me to hear this for the first time, especially from a credited psychologist. For years I've felt I was crazy for thinking that my childhood was so dreadfully abnormal and concerning whilst everyone assured me I was as healthy as could be (and side-eyed me as if I was exaggerating for attention).

I've always considered myself to be afflicted by "gifted kid burnout", which I am going to assume my small audience is familiar with, but the concept of "ontological insecurity" Laing discusses in this book fits even better, which I didn't think was possible.

It's rare that I feel someone completely understands even a small part of myself, so I am very glad I read this book and I would recommend it to anyone else interested.

To end this post, here's three additional quotes from the book, each referring to a different patients' childhood, yet all I can relate to:

“There was no open neglect or hostility in her family. She felt, however, that her parents were always too engrossed in each other for either of them ever to take notice of her. She grew up wanting to fill this hole in her life but never succeeded in becoming self-sufficient. [...] [H]er abiding memory of herself as a child that she did not really matter to her parents, that they neither loved nor hated, admired nor were ashamed of her very much.” pg54

“What she called 'unreliability' was a feeling of bafflement and bewilderment which she related to the fact that nothing she did had ever seemed to please her parents. If she did one thing and was told it was wrong, she would do another thing and would find that they still said that that was wrong. She was unable to discover, as she put it, 'what they wanted me to be'.” pg59

“His father's account of him was very meagre. He had always been perfectly normal, and he thought his present eccentricities were simply an adolescent phase. He had always been a very good child, who did everything he was told and never caused any trouble. His mother had been devoted to him.” pg70

I think people need to learn that managing tasks on our own is a task in itself

"Put it in a diary" thats a task

"Use this app!" thats a task

"Make a list" thats also a task

Its why we start great with it but then stop after a while