That Feeling When *goes Nonverbal*

Cho Gi-Seok: Cyber Lover (2021)

is it an autistic / nd thing to say the word of something as you see it?

like i saw a bag of dirt and immediately said “dirt”, i do this with a lot of things and didn’t think it was weird until someone pointed it out

I think this is a form of echolalia (though, it probably has its own name, but I couldn't find it). I definitely do it.

I'll often say an item out loud, read signs out loud, read trucks or delivery cars out loud etc. I mostly do it when I'm very tired or sometimes when I'm really happy and not masking.

Blue Lagoon, Iceland

Being undiagnosed with Autism for so long (like into your 20s) is incredibly debilitating. Because when you start making AdultTM decisions, & try to assert your independence, everyone considers you illogical. Then you start throwing a fit - or in my case angry crying - and seem to prove everyone’s point of how irresponsible you are. It’s really not that. I’m just hate being misunderstood & told that my ideas are stupid, when they make perfect sense. Even if the WAY I’m doing something is wrong, I’ll do what I want as long as the end result is legal & positive.

"If u got a new fish what would u name it? I once named a fish shoe..." by @/s4rdust.

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yoshitoshi ABe’s an omnipresence in the wired || 安倍吉俊の『an omnipresence in the wired』

I’m trying to figure out if I might be autistic but it’s hard, in part because while I was always bossy growing up and I always dominated conversations I was interested in, when I was about 21 I found out that some people literally asked my best friend if I was “intending to be an asshole” and that was really crushing to me so I took a course in not being an asshole basically, and learned that you’re supposed to ask questions and whatnot… and now I don’t know what’s stuff I’ve learned and what’s natural to me, in conversation.

Taking a course like that kind of seems like an autistic way to go about it though?

I have things that fit into all the criteria, but I’m not sure they’re significant enough for autism. Maybe I’m just domineering and fussy with food and prefer my current things to new things? I don’t like eye contact and I don’t like to be touched, but none of it seems to get to the extent that anyone would ever diagnose me - especially as a woman.

Sorry to dump, I just needed to share/ask for another perspective ❤️

The social difficulties is very common with autistics. And, always, it's the why you did those things that matter.

An autistic child, as an example, will dominate a conversation because they don't understand that conversation is supposed to be a back and forth... They think what they're excited about is exciting to all those involved and therefore are having a conversation. Because conversation is just talking, right? And now, these people get to learn all that you know!

There is also an element of difficulty concentrating on a conversation. An autistic, on average, can follow a conversation for about 5 minutes before they will start to struggle (or so my therapist told me and it's definitely true for me). Not necessarily because we find the conversation boring, but because social interaction isn't innate for us, so we're using twice as much energy to process what's being said to us.

Other neurodivergences, such as ADHD, can also struggle with conversation, but usually due to hyperactivity (getting excited by what's being said, getting stuck in something that was said and needing to talk about it, talking fast and/or loudly etc).

So, to a neurotypical, they don't see that we're "having a conversation" with them... They see someone not letting them talk. Even though we're enjoying ourselves and showing love and friendship. NTs don't see that.

And then to struggle to concentrate when they finally do get to talk? What asshole behaviour... except it's not. It's just how our brains work. We're not wanting to struggle.

Most kids are forced to mask this either by scripting, mirroring, or reading books. I learnt by scripting, and it's fucking exhausting.

So how can you tell if this is something you learnt naturally or masking?

Are you constantly checking yourself during conversations?

Are you hyper aware of how much time to speak, cutting yourself off if your alloted time is up?

Do you ask standardized questions to start the flow of conversation?

Do you force yourself to avoid special interest topics or have to force yourself to stop talking, even if the other person shows interest, out of fear you're hijacking the conversation?

Are you unable to actually tell if someone is interested in what you're saying, so you assume they're bored so as not to insult them? You fear breaking whatever conversation rules you have been taught?

The above are very very common with autistic masking and scripting.

my ocd has absolutely gone off the deep end where now i am also obsessing about the ocd itself.. like if i am having rocd doubts, like do i really love my bf, am i too young for this, do i even want to be in a relationship? my ocd just snowballs wondering if these doubts are even ocd, or if they are real and i should listen to them. like maybe i really just don’t love him anymore and i’m just afraid to admit it to myself? i hate it i hate it so much i wish i could trust my own feelings .

my therapist tells me it doesn’t matter if the doubts are real, it doesn’t matter if i don’t actually love him. because i will never know the truth, i’ll never know for certain if we “should” be together. life just doesn’t have certain answers for these things and i need to accept that uncertainty. recovery is so painful