I’m Trying To Figure Out If I Might Be Autistic But It’s Hard, In Part Because While I Was Always

I’m trying to figure out if I might be autistic but it’s hard, in part because while I was always bossy growing up and I always dominated conversations I was interested in, when I was about 21 I found out that some people literally asked my best friend if I was “intending to be an asshole” and that was really crushing to me so I took a course in not being an asshole basically, and learned that you’re supposed to ask questions and whatnot… and now I don’t know what’s stuff I’ve learned and what’s natural to me, in conversation.

Taking a course like that kind of seems like an autistic way to go about it though?

I have things that fit into all the criteria, but I’m not sure they’re significant enough for autism. Maybe I’m just domineering and fussy with food and prefer my current things to new things? I don’t like eye contact and I don’t like to be touched, but none of it seems to get to the extent that anyone would ever diagnose me - especially as a woman.

Sorry to dump, I just needed to share/ask for another perspective ❤️

The social difficulties is very common with autistics. And, always, it's the why you did those things that matter.

An autistic child, as an example, will dominate a conversation because they don't understand that conversation is supposed to be a back and forth... They think what they're excited about is exciting to all those involved and therefore are having a conversation. Because conversation is just talking, right? And now, these people get to learn all that you know!

There is also an element of difficulty concentrating on a conversation. An autistic, on average, can follow a conversation for about 5 minutes before they will start to struggle (or so my therapist told me and it's definitely true for me). Not necessarily because we find the conversation boring, but because social interaction isn't innate for us, so we're using twice as much energy to process what's being said to us.

Other neurodivergences, such as ADHD, can also struggle with conversation, but usually due to hyperactivity (getting excited by what's being said, getting stuck in something that was said and needing to talk about it, talking fast and/or loudly etc).

So, to a neurotypical, they don't see that we're "having a conversation" with them... They see someone not letting them talk. Even though we're enjoying ourselves and showing love and friendship. NTs don't see that.

And then to struggle to concentrate when they finally do get to talk? What asshole behaviour... except it's not. It's just how our brains work. We're not wanting to struggle.

Most kids are forced to mask this either by scripting, mirroring, or reading books. I learnt by scripting, and it's fucking exhausting.

So how can you tell if this is something you learnt naturally or masking?

Are you constantly checking yourself during conversations?

Are you hyper aware of how much time to speak, cutting yourself off if your alloted time is up?

Do you ask standardized questions to start the flow of conversation?

Do you force yourself to avoid special interest topics or have to force yourself to stop talking, even if the other person shows interest, out of fear you're hijacking the conversation?

Are you unable to actually tell if someone is interested in what you're saying, so you assume they're bored so as not to insult them? You fear breaking whatever conversation rules you have been taught?

The above are very very common with autistic masking and scripting.

"Why do you like hamsters if you have ASPD?"

What else am I supposed to like? Murder? Blood? Guns? Robbing elderly women?

I really hate hearing this comment because the people who say bullshit like that always seem to think that someone liking casual or sweet things automatically disproves that they have an "evil" PD like ASPD or NPD.

Can we all please agree that hobbies and likes/dislikes have nothing to do with a personality disorder? I love my hamster, this tiny little creature, to the point that I am obsessively watching her and overanalyse her behaviour to figure out if she likes me or not. I also had a period in which I tried to learn knitting, I love to play Final Fantasy XIV and take my time to pet any lalafell player I come across because those tiny characters are just too cute.

I know someone with NPD who obsessively collects those funky pride flags and microlabels because that makes them happy. My boyfriend has NPD and he loves warrior cats.

Not everyone who has ASPD or NPD loves gore, horror, blood, shooter games or have any other "edgy" interest (obviously people with ASPD and NPD who love those kind of things are lovely too <3). People are versatile. Stop assuming that everyone with ASPD or NPD just likes edgy things because teenagers think that this is the thing which makes them a psychopath.