Sex Is Cool And All But Has A Woman Ever Held You In Her Arms And Called You A Good Girl

You mean nothing

You serve 0 purpose

You should kill yourself NOW

On the Affini Compact

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy says this about the Affini Compact: "Good Luck."

That is not to say that should you cross paths with an affini you're going to die, or be maimed, or have your brain removed only to be placed in another head and shuffled around a planet in and out of other people's heads just to end up in a jar in some random bug's closet. That is the Mi'Go, and they're very sick of all intelligent brain havers assuming they do that to everyone they meet.

Rather, should you cross paths with an affini, your odds of escaping completely unchanged and undomesticated depend entirely on three key factors:

Are you cute?

Are you a present threat to yourself or those around you in any immediate way?

Is the affini single and/or looking?

If the answer to any of the above is a "yes", good luck, because your owner is about to take you home and put a cute little bow on your head. Originating from outside the known galaxy, these plantoid harbingers of head pats and drug fueled cuddles have made quite the name for themselves. They've deposed several independent and very successful planets for the sins of capitalism, and more than a few reputably disreputable hitchhikers have found their way into the loving embrace of an affini and a brand new implant on their spine.

Should you find the affini in your path, be they passing you on the street to your favorite shoe store, waiting outside your home for a wellness check, or be boarding your starship presently as you read this helpful guide, best of luck, try to not give them a reason to domesticate you, and we wish you well in your life devoid of the uniquely perilous joys of hitchhiking.

Good bye and good luck!

Another one falls to the hdg cognito hazard

Like seriously I've read 6 different 10k words plus fics in the last week

This one is very true

if hot gals wants to complement a dysphoric trans gal with a praise kink

My dms r open :3

I have a homophobic friend who abso-fucking-lotly loves lotr and this would probably give him a aneurysm

I have never once wished for Tolkien to still be alive as much as I do in this moment

Anything is beautiful up close, you just need to the eyes to see it and the mind to look for it

Affini kisses are *TOTALLY* underrated!!!

The feeling of vines holding your head in place, vines snaking down your throat...

Don't get me started on the xenodrugies, personally an A + N combo is INSANE with kisses!!!

Oooohhh kayy

Turns out, uhhhhh...

Plants....

ITHINKPLANTSAREEVERYHOTANDAHHHHHHHH!!!!