Pdd - Blog Posts
There is a very specific and painful uncomfortable infuriating frustrating dreadful sad feeling of desire, when you care so much about something, and you just want to tell someone about it.
To take a character and make someone else care about them they way you do
To show someone how fascinating a topic is
To demonstrate how intricate a story is, how intertwined the world is
To bundle up the bright, overflowing bundle of care/excitement/intrigue and share it so someone else can experience it too
…
But sometimes, perhaps often, there is no one to tell.
No one you haven’t bothered recently. No one who has a similar interest. No one who will be willing to read the outpour. No one who would care. No one you haven’t already handed a new interest.
And that desire to share, give, offer, show, and tell someone sours. It melts into a charred mass of dread in your stomach that seeps into the subject itself, if only a little.
TW: prescription side effects..? Idk if that’s a TW but I’ll say it anyway
So like I’ve discovered a double edged side effect of sertraline. If u forget to take it it reminds u but it reminds you with a feeling I can best describe as:
-chromatically aberrating for 0.5 seconds.
- your brain goes “!!”
-softest bio emp
-like when u get vertigo and the world tilts but there’s no tilting involved
-astral projecting out of ur body by a centimeter for a second
-your brain to body signal lagged
TW : rant/dump
I’m not fishing for anything, I just really needed to say this, and I’m not willing to put it on anyone I know. Please don’t read this if you’re unwell. I don’t want to add to anyone else’s struggle
I just needed to get off my chest,
This couple weeks have been… not good.
My grandma has been making sui/homi threats when she can’t get more pain meds, my grandpa is obsessed with conspiracy politics and won’t keep it to himself, my mom depends on me emotionally
My shelf came off the wall and broke my file box and shattered a glass frame all over the floor
I spilled soda so incredibly that it got on my carpet, walls, floor, the bottom of my bed (?), my printer, my extension cord, my yarn basket, and so many other places I keep finding
I ruined an entire load of clothes with chapstick, it will not come out, and my mom tossed them
My air purifier itself has started smelling like mold despite upkeep
My windowsill is covered in mold and my plaster is cake and even my carpenter uncle can’t figure out my Schrödinger studs
Because of all these things I’ve been having to fix or account for on top of my medical bills and car bills and insurance bills I can’t even quite make it paycheck to paycheck
I don’t have the time or money to take care of procedures I’m supposed to have done already
My doctor says I’m in the chronic pain of someone twice my age and that my job isn’t going to work for me in the long term and my job is trying to shove me out but I can’t find another job that won’t kill my mental health, physical health, or support me financially
Im just stuck,
I’m stuck.
I refuse to find this cringey because it’s the kind of thing that helped when I felt like taking the big sleep.
I forgot to watermark this so nobody best be taking advantage (≖_≖ )
Today I have not cried in response to multiple stressful situations so I’m gonna take today as a win
Sometimes u need a weighted blanket to flatten the emotions into a thin little pancake so they don’t condense into something unmanageable