Hufflepuff: *sneezes*
Slytherin: here *gives handkerchief*
Hufflepuff: you are so nice!
Slytherin: NO I AM NOT. I didn't want any germs from you. That's why I gave you a handkerchief.
Hufflepuff: :)
Ravenclaw: *gets papercut* ouch
Slytherin: *puts bandage on* I fucking hate you. Why do you hurt yourself all the time?
Ravenclaw: *whispers* how did you get in my house?
Slytherin: Gryffindor is stupid.....an idiot....useless
Someone: yeah, I agree. Gryffindor sucks
Slytherin: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT GRYFFINDOR?
(Headcanon: Slytherin is a soft Tsundere)
What would you do in a trolley problem? Hit the 5 people in your way or save them and hit a spectator?
Hufflepuff: I would not like to hit anyone but if I had to.....the spectator. Because killing one person is better than 5.
Gryffindor: I would hit the 5 people, it would be wrong to kill an innocent bystander.
Ravenclaw: try to stop the trolley somehow or else jump off the trolley, I can't handle responsibility.
Slytherin: hit the 5 people, then reverse the trolley and hit the spectator. No witness, no crime.
Hermione: do you know people are mostly killed during the night by their own spouses ?
Ron: why the fuck would you say that?
Hermione: it's a fun fact....and facts are true.
Ron: .....
Hermione: you actually don't think I would kill you right?
Ron: Mom, come pick me up I am scared.
Oliver: *pitches an idea*
Penelope, impressed: Huh, there might be something here!
Percy, under his breath: Yeah, a lawsuit.
Harry: I only have 6 weeks left to live Hermione: Harry! Oh Merlin, really?! I'll figure something out, don't worry! Ron: Mate! Really?! Hermione will figure something out, you're not going to die! Harry: It's just a guesstimate based on the choices I've made... Hermione: Ron:
Remus: Fruits that do not live up to their names; passionfruit, grapefruit, honeydew and dragonfruit.
Remus: Fruits that do live up to their names?
Remus: Orange.
Lily, about Bellatrix: I like her, she has that, what do you call it?
Regulus: Cold blooded ruthlessness?
Lily: No, that’s not it.
Lily: Ah, a knife, she has a knife.
Lily: Yeah I'm LGBT.
Lily: cuLt leader.
Lily: God hates me personally.
Lily: cowBoy hat.
Lily: *sniffles* Trying my best.
*************************OR***********************
Severus: Yeah I'm LGBT.
Severus: cuLt leader.
Severus: God hates me personally.
Severus: cowBoy hat.
Severus: *sniffles* Trying my best.
Lucius, about a fight between Bellatrix and Severus: It scares me how many knives were involved.
Lily: There… weren’t any knives involved though?
Lucius: That’s what scares me.
*************************OR***********************
Narcissa, about a fight between Lily and Severus: It scares me how many knives were involved.
Regulus: There… weren’t any knives involved though?
Narcissa: That’s what scares me.
Lily: *clicks pen*
Severus: *clicks pen in response*
James: Stop that.
Lily: Stop what?
James: You’re talking about me in Morse code!
Lily: Yes, that’s what we doing. In our very limited time, we took a class on a very outdated, very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you. Congrats, you figured us out!
*later*
Severus, to Remus: That’s actually exactly what we were doing.
Severus: Alright, which one of us is gonna check outside?
Sirius: Not it!
James: Not it!
Severus: ...Neither one of you are as dumb as you lead on to be.
Severus: I'm bored.
Lily: Wanna commit first degree murder?
Severus: Sure!
Remus, hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put James down!!
Lily: Why are you smiling?
Severus: What? I can’t just be happy?
James: Sirius tripped and fell in the parking lot.
*The squad is over at Narcissa's house*
Lucius: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?
Narcissa: ... N-No...
Narcissa, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???
Lucius, motioning to her kitchen: Three, I thought!
Bellatrix: I see a-
Narcissa, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.
Lucius: Oh, well I-
Narcissa: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*
Narcissa, amazed: Its got a bake setting!
Regulus: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!
Severus: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?
Narcissa: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!
Narcissa: I am a woman who owns four ovens...
Narcissa, louder and way too happy: I am a woman... who owns FOUR OVENS...
Narcissa: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...
Lily, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!
Narcissa:
Lucius: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!
Narcissa:
Narcissa, fucking ECSTATIC: I AM A WOMAN WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS
Severus: So we're gathered here today for a very special reason and I think you'll all agree with me here.
Severus: And if you don't well then fuck you.
Severus: I'm looking at you, Bellatrix, you jealous mop.
Severus: You read my diary?
Bellatrix: At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
Bellatrix: No, I don't want to talk about physics! I don't know anything about the laws of physics because they are hard and boring. I simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! Is that really asking too much?
Severus: Yes, as a matter of fact, it is!
Bellatrix: Well, guess what? Science is stupid bullshit!!
Severus: You take that back!!!
Bellatrix: No. Magic is awesome. Science blows. The end.
Regulus, barging in: Syphilis!
Severus:
Regulus:
Severus: Pardon?
Severus: So what’s for dinner?
Regulus: I can’t tell you, it’s a soup-prise!
Severus: …
Severus: Is it soup?
Regulus: I soup-pose it could be! *winks*
Severus: Please, enough with the soup puns!
Regulus: Wow, you’re soup-per mean.
Severus: STOP!
*one hour later*
Severus: It’s fucking tacos?!?!?!
Severus, with a headache: Advil me up, daddy.
Lily: I will short out the language centre of your brain if you say anything like that ever again.
Lily: Severus, I think we have a problem.
Severus: What, the fire?
Lily: No, the- wait, what fire?
Severus: Oh forget about it, this sounds more interesting.
*******************Reversed Roles*****************
Severus: Lily, I think we have a problem.
Lily: What, the fire?
Severus: No, the- wait, what fire?
Lily: Oh forget about it, this sounds more interesting.
Severus: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.
Remus: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*
Severus: That one. I want that one.
Sirius: Are we fighting or flirting?
Severs: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-
Sirius: Your point?
Sirius: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives.
Severus: I wake up at 4:30 AM every day to brew.
Sirius: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives.
Severus: James and I are no longer dating.
James: Severus, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married.
James: I think we should kiss.
Severus: And I think you should die but we don’t always get what we want.
Severus: Wow, Remus, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.
Remus: We literally slept together yesterday.
Severus: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.
Narcissa: Do you think you’d actually notice if someone didn’t cast a shadow? Or if their limbs were just slightly too long? Or if they had just a little too many teeth? like how many times have you passed Something on the street and you just didn’t Notice It?
Severus: Stay woke monsterfuckers ur love is out there!!!!!
Narcissa: Yknow what? Not my point at all in any way whatsoever, but I’m glad I could be an inspiration.
Narcissa: Severus...
Severus: Oh no, 'Severus' in b-flat.
Severus: You're disappointed.
Severus: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds.
Lucius: FORTY FIVE SECONDS?!?
Severus: No! Four to five seconds!
Lucius: Too late!!!