Jason: People tell me I have a unique way of lighting up a room. You: It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.
Jason: My life isn’t as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look like.
Bruce: What are your goals? Damian: To pet all the dogs. Bruce: No, fitness goals. Damian: To be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs.
You: What’s this? Dick: My to-do list. You: Oh? That’s great. You’re starting to get organiz— You: This just says '(Name)'
Jason: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait. You: You and me!!! Jason, tearing up: Okay.
You: Look. I may not be a saint, but it's not like I’ve killed anybody. I’m not an arsonist. I’ve never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground. Bruce: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.
Damian: *Accidentally hits you in the face* Damian: *Trying to decide between saying 'I’m fucking sorry' and 'Are you okay'* Damian: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?! You: What’s wrong with you?!
Tim, at a restaurant: You guys should get the orange soda, it's amazing. You: Okay Waiter: Can I get you guys anything to drink? Tim: Orange soda, please! Damian: I'll have the strawberry soda. You: Me too, strawberry soda. Tim:
Bruce: While I’m gone, Damian, you’re in charge. Damian: Yes!!! Bruce, whispering: Alfred, you’re secretly in charge. Alfred: Obviously.
You: The stars are so beautiful... Damian: They're just giant balls of gas. You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then- Damian: And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you. You: Oh...
Dick: Three words. Say them and I'm yours. You: Three words. Dick:
Bruce: Where are you going? Jason: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on the way there
You: You saved me. I owe you my life. Damian: No thanks. I’ve seen it and I’m not very impressed.
You: I know you’re deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are. Dick: It’s not a joke. Dick: *sniffles* Dick: I’m a legit snack. It’s not a joke.
Sometime in Gotham:
Jason Todd [on the phone]: How did the Joker die?
Damian Wayne [on the phone]: Cats ate his face.
Jason Todd: Damian, I think you’re confused. I’m asking about the Joker.
Damian Wayne: Cats ate his face.
Jason Todd: Look, would you just put Dick or Tim on the phone?
Dick Grayson: Hello?
Jason Todd: Dick, what happened to the Joker?
Dick Grayson: Cats ate his face. Here, Damian knows more about it than I do.
(Source: Malcolm in the Middle)
I hate canon Bruce Wayne hitting his kids so how does he discipline them WITHOUT abuse?
(where's that post about how anything can be a punishment if you frame it as one)
———————
Dick: *breaks the chandelier while swinging from it*
Bruce: *hands him a broom*
Dick: Yeah that's fair.
Bruce: Also you have to use the Batman plate at dinner.
Dick: Please no, I hate that plate.
Bruce: You should've thought about that before.
———————
Tim: *logs into the Batcomputer without permission*
Bruce: And what do you think you're doing?
Tim: I know I've been benched but I just need to—
Bruce: Sit.
Tim: *sits down*
Bruce: *puts on The Bee Movie*
Bruce: If you insist on being down here while injured, then you're gonna watch this in its entirety.
———————
Cass: *blinks*
Bruce: And you think that's an excuse?
Cass: *blinks*
Bruce: We're going for a drive and I'm picking the music.
Cass: *blinks*
Bruce: Maybe you'll take this as a lesson.
———————
Jason: *causes a crime scene*
Jason: Go ahead, punish me. I'll still be right.
Bruce: *takes out a marker*
Bruce: *draws a mustache on Jason's helmet*
Bruce: It'll wash off in three weeks.
Jason: WHAT?!
Bruce: Actions have consequences.
———————
Steph: *breaks protocol*
Bruce: Go change your cape in the car.
Steph: That's not fair!
Bruce: That's the rule.
Steph: *grumbles and puts on a cape that's a slightly different shade of purple from the rest of her suit*
———————
Duke: *sneaks in after curfew*
Bruce: *flicks the light on*
Bruce: Do you know what time it is?
Duke: I can explain—
Bruce: Yogurt. Now.
Duke: But I don't want yogurt.
Bruce: I don't care. Go eat a cup of yogurt and think about what you did.
———————
Damian: *drops his fork at dinner*
Damian: Fuck.
Bruce: *pulls out a straw*
Damian: You wouldn't.
Bruce: *takes a sip of Damian's drink*
Damian: I hate this family.
Dick, eating off the Bat-plate: You and me both.
Damian: Hey, Grayson?
Dick: What do you need?
Damian: Well, some kids were picking on me today, and not thinking about it, I told Todd.
Dick: Go on...
Damian: He left. I'm worried that he's going to go beat them up or something. Can you go stop him?
Dick: Jason won't hit a child.
Damian: He won't?
Dick: Never.
Damian:
Dick:
Damian:
Dick: *sprints out the door*
Bruce Wayne, trying to go over the case of a murder victim but very confused: Tim, why are you wearing sunglasses in the Cave?
Tim Drake, wearing sunglasses to cover up his black eye that he got last night because there was no patrol but he and his siblings went for a joyride in the Batmobile and events led to his head slamming into the steering wheel: uhhhh
Dick Grayson, very desperately trying to hide this fact from Bruce because he's supposed to be the responsible elder sibling: B, if I may. Tim spoke to us all about a week ago about wearing sunglasses to all murder briefings moving forward to show respect for the dead. I simply forgot. And Jason refused because he has no value for human life.
Jason Todd, very much enjoying watching his brothers squirm but playing along because it's definitely his fault Tim's head slammed into the steering wheel: It's true, I don't.
No one is asking "Why would Bruce Wayne be in a Lexcorp meeting", but I have the answer
Bruce has bought enough stocks of the Lexcorp to be there, and he did for 3 main reasons
He just wants to annoy Lex
He's trying to take from the inside/spy the Lexcorp
JL things like trying to stop Lex from doing bad things by annoying him and making his life difficult
the second one is problably for the most trying to make the Lexcorp a better corporation and trying to kick out Lex and then integrating the Lexcorp under the WE to make it an actual good company
And Tim is just there to have fun and keep Brucie Wayne farcade up, probably
Bruce and Tim: *sitting in a LexCorp meeting*
Lex: Alright everybody, thanks for jumping on this all hands.
Lex: *sees Tim*
Lex: Who is this?
Bruce: Oh, this is my corporate translator. He's here to translate all the corporate jargon into words that I can actually understand.
Lex: Uhh alright. I'm gonna have to align with HR to see if this is—
Bruce, to Tim: What's he saying?
Tim: He's saying he's upset by my presence.
Lex: I'm not upset, okay? I'm simply processing this information into a more digestible way.
Tim: Oh yeah, he's really upset.
Lex: Okay, let's just move forward with the meeting, shall we? So Q1 is in the books and we had a very strong showing. Now, there are certainly some gaps within our processes that we're working strategically in order to align that should help us bridge those gaps in a really efficient way.
Bruce: Translator?
Tim: Q1 wasn't good and management is very upset about it.
Lex: That's not what I said, okay? There are certainly some gaps, but management is working lockstep in order to come up with strategic processes in order to alleviate these areas of deficiency.
Tim: They're planning layoffs.
Lex: No. No. That— I'm not saying that, okay? We're just developing ways to become a much leaner organization.
Tim: It's gonna be twenty-five percent of the organization.
Lex: No!
dick: you can’t just do that, it’s illegal
jason: pft what are you, a cop?
dick: ……
jason: no…
dick: listen- jay it’s-
jason: NO
Tim, holding something behind his back: don’t be mad.
Bruce, already getting mad: I won’t get mad, you can always talk to me. What’s going on?
Tim, revealing a swaddled baby: I messed up when cloning Kon and accidently spilt my DNA into it and now I have a clone baby with my dead situationship.
Bruce, flabbergasted: ..???
Bruce: why were you cloning- when did you start datin- I’m a grandpa?! No, go back, how did you ‘accidently’ spill DNA aren’t you paranoid too????
Tim, who may or may not have been crying over one of the clones and accidently cut his lip trying not to sob and got blood into a test chamber: that’s not important.
Bruce, hyperventilating: why is it so small????
Tim: cause she’s only two months old.
Bruce; I understand that, but even an average two month old should be-…
Bruce: two.
Bruce: you said two months.
Tim: you said you wouldn’t get mad.
Bruce: you hid a baby for TWO MONTHS?!
Tim: I WAS PANICKING LEAVE ME ALONE!
Bruce: IVE BEEN A GRANDPA FOR TWO MONTHS AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME?!
Tim: WELL! I don’t know I’m seventeen, what did you expect?
Bruce, actively loosing brain cells: if you can clone your dead boyfriend-
Tim: we never actually started dating-
Bruce: -then you can tell your father you had a baby.
Tim: …
Tim: I’m not exactly sure what stage of being an adult I am, I started a little young I think.
Tim: but I am a mother now so don’t you dare yell at me.
Bruce: …
Tim: …
Bruce: …
Bruce: … can I hold her?
Tim, grinning in victory: wash your hands first and then you can.
LATER:
Bruce: why is she a girl if you and Kon are both male?
Tim: are you questioning my baby’s gender??? That’s so homophobic, gay men can raise girls.
Bruce: you know damn well I didn’t mean-
When it comes to mission reports, Damian is the epitome of not showing your work.
Bruce: Damian, what did you do with the Riddler?
Damian: I apprehended him.
Bruce: When, where, and how?
Damian: Yesterday. Crime Alley. Stakeout.
Bruce: Why isn't any of this written down? You have to document it for future case references. You just wrote, "Done."
Damian: Because I'm done.
Bruce: But you're supposed to tell us the steps you took.
Damian: Step one: I did it.
Someone: Bruce is dead.
Tim: It might seem crazy what I'm bout to say....
Riddler: “Riddle me th-“
Batman: “china 1782”
Riddler: “I didn’t even start the riddle! How do yo-“
Batman: “im Batman”
genuinely the funniest thing i’ve read all week
Jason Todd: You know what they say: go big or go home!
Bruce Wayne, sobbing: I'm begging you, Jason, for once in your life, PLEASE go home
Jason: *whispering* I'm going big
Bruce : I was going to suggest we do Marilyn Monroe and JFK roleplay, but I’d get way too into it.
Selena: What- how?
Bruce : You’d be like “come to bed … Mr. President” and I’d be like, “I need to increase the amount of American military advisors in South Vietnam by a factor of 18.”
Jason: Croissants: dropped
Dick: Road: works ahead
Duke: BBQ sauce: on my titties
Stephanie: Shavacado: fre
Tim: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead
Damian:
Damian: ...I didn’t understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.
Damian: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Cass: >:O
Dick: language
Jason: Yeah watch your fucking language
Tim: Okay, who taught demon spawn the fuck word?!
Stephanie: 'The fuck word'.
Duke: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Tim: Oh my god they censored it
Stephanie: Say fuck, Duke.
Jason: Do it, Duke. Say fuck.
Bruce: What happened?!
Stephanie: Do you want the long version or the short version?
Bruce: Sh-short??
Stephanie: Shit's fucked.
Bruce: Okay, long.
Stephanie: Shit's very fucked.
Dick: Hey Dami, made anyone cry today?
Damian: Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.
Duke: *starts to leave patrol at sundown*
*an explosion is heard from nearby area*
Gotham Citizen: What was that?
Duke: The sound of someone else's problem.
Bruce: Are you listening to me?
Robin Dick Grayson: *nods*
Bruce: What did I just say?
Robin dick Grayson: *nods*
Bruce: ...
Duke: You shouldn't be using a straw.
Stephanie: I know, I know, it's bad for the environment and stuff.
Duke: Yeah, but I mean... it's a weird way to eat spaghetti.
Bruce: How was your day, Damian?
Damian: Yeah, fine, it's anti-bullying week at school.
Bruce: Oh? And what does that mean?
Damian: It means I can't bully anyone for a whole week.
Barbara: I’m proud to identify as morosexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. Someone asked me what the Spanish word for "tortilla" was once, and now I dream of kissing them under the moonlight.
Dick: Babs what kind of animal is the Pink Panther?
Barbara , already taking off their clothes: God, Dick, you’re so fucking stupid.
Bruce: I'll offer you some friendly advice-
Jason: I don't want your advice.
Bruce: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice.
Bruce as Batman trying to be a good dad : *shatters a window and climbs through it*
Bruce *turns around and helps Dick through it*: Breaking and entering is wrong robin.
youngDick absolutely going to do this later: ok
Dick: Time for plan G.
Stephanie : Don’t you mean plan B?
Dick: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Tim: What about plan D?
Dick: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Cass : What about plan E?
Dick: I’m hoping not to use it. Jason dies again in plan E.
Damian : I like plan E.
Jason : *Stubs their toe* FUCK!
Bruce: Mind your language!
Jason : What else am I supposed to say, “Woe is I”???
Bruce*bruce looking unimpressed but speechless*: …….
Stephanie : You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes.
Dick: When you said 'Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this...
Wally: *pulls out card from deck* Now, was this your card?
Dick: Holy moly-
Dick: I can't believe you've done this.....
Wally: I'm sorry I didn't know-!
Dick, on the verge of tears: YOU CAN'T JUST BUY ME A GIFT OUT OF NOWHERE NOW I FEEL LIKE A HUGE ASSHOLE!
Jon: I made this friendship bracelet for you.
Damian: You know, I’m not really a jewelry person.
Jon: You don’t have to wear…
Damian: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.