Deep - Blog Posts

Maybe it's like a pendulum. It's a balance. We can't uncover all the secrets of the universe in one night.

-blue-ca

Lurking in the deep...

My first isometric illustration, under a frozen mountain lurks a monster... Adapted to that world thrives an ecosystem with strange creatures and plants. Done in Illustrator, this illustration has been spinning around in my head for the past few days.

Love on the Plaza.

I wrote to her

my fantasy love letters,

and she replied

to them

in reality.

Jessica,

3rd Home,

Little Attics Apartments—

you were crude

and jolly,

and now,

irreplaceable.

I woke up at 3am ,

it was a really sad dream,

Filled with death and dispair.

Fell asleep again,

To dream a sadder one.

And the rhythm played,

Until it was time to rise from bed with the rhyme of morning alarm.

But my mind and body were unenthusiastic to conquer the world.

And I realised the reason for sadness which linger

Upon me all day.

Shine on

“I love looking at the night sky”

“You do? Weren’t you always scared of the dark?”

“I was- I mean I still am, but look how bright everything up there seems to be. Isn’t it amazing to know that most of these stars don’t even exist anymore, but their light still travels through space and brightens our nights? Something that’s long gone and still shows us its beauty.”

“That surely is wonderful.”

“I know, right?”

“But then what about the moon? It needs to be shown off by the sun, can’t even shine by itself and still - everyone is amazed by it. Isn’t that unfair?”

“Some grace needs help to blossom. I love the moon and everything about it. These nightly rays that light up the dark and then feeling them shine on me - that makes me feel magical.”

“You are magical.”

“Don’t you dare try to make this about me. It’s about the beauty of the universe.”

“But why? When I feel your eyes on me I feel magical, I feel like you help me blossom every single day and I for sure guarantee you that your beauty will forever shine on in this universe.”

“Don’t be silly, I ain’t got no shine. And it won’t be seen forever in no universe.”

“In my universe it will.”

Today was a beautiful day

Today was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and I listened to my favorite music all day long. My thoughts were light and positive and my face showed a constant little smile. I was happy. After being down for such a long time today felt like a dream. Ups and downs are normal, but once you’ve experienced a very long Low, every little Up will bring joy even though you may have felt like you’ll be stuck in the depth of your own mind forever. I’ll tell you that you can handle it. Believe me it’ll be worth it. Try fighting for every single Up your life might bring you.

Today was a beautiful day and I’m pretty sure more will follow.

I kinda hate you

I hate that it’s always me who starts the conversation, it’s always my part to show interest and then you just follow up later. I hate that I have to text you first every time and only then you’ll remember that you wanted to talk to me. I hate that it seems like everyone knows you better than me. I hate that you don’t remember what we talked about even though we both had the best of our times. I hate that your friends don’t get along with mine. I hate that my parents always ask about you and then I realize there is nothing I can tell them about that really matters. I hate that I can’t stop looking at you. I hate that you cant even smile at me when your friends are around. I hate that we only connect when we’re drunk. I hate that I can almost remember every single word you said to me since we met. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you. I hate that I dream of you every single night. I hate that you’re the first thing I think of when I open my eyes in the morning. I hate that my heart starts beating faster whenever I think of you. I hate that I can’t stop smiling for a week when you are nice to me for once. I hate that you are nice to me sometimes. I hate that you can’t make up your mind. I hate that I don’t get it. I hate that I recognize your voice through hundreds of people speaking. I hate that my favorite color reminds me of you. I hate that your smell will forever be stuck in my mind. I hate that you drive extra safely whenever I’m on the back of your motor circle. I hate that you hurt me over and over again by flirting with other people. I hate that I can’t live a day without the thought of you. I hate that I get rosy cheeks whenever someone mentions your name. I hate that I can’t control my fingers shaking when I type a message into our chat. I hate the way I feel about you. I hate that I’m in love with you. And I hate that there is no sign that you love me too.

having a bit of a philosophical/existential crisis...

I've always been a seeker of truth, a philosopher, sometimes beyond my own good. there comes a time when I don't know what to accept or follow as my truth.

Shri Keshav says in Bhagavad-Gita that he meets anyone where they want to meet him. but how am I meant to know in which form I want to meet him? is it Shri Krishna, Rama, or even those such as Lord Shiva, Jesus, etc. ?

I feel very much attached to Shri Krishna but how am I meant to reconcile the truth of absolutely everything, with the love for a Keshava who dances and enjoys and is merry among his sakhis and sakhas? how do I reconcile these identities. how do I reconcile the innumerable forms He takes for himself to approach all of us and touch our hearts, and choose the one that is for me? or is it simply just the form of the unknowable, infinite, Supreme being. but then how may I love him for his heart-pulling qualities and get personally attached to his form?

sry lol a bit diff to what I usually post...

Remember when i was so sick, i wish i had been leave

Und schon wieder einer diese Tage wo ich da liege und mich frage wozu sich das kämpfen lohnt

Season 19 Episode 7 Something Happened ~ Benson Talks About Her Past And Gets Emotional

I gave him a piece of me i know ill never get back...

Honestly... The darkness scares me more now rhat i have a life im excited to love for. i actually have peolle in my life that care about me and i realize that, which is terrifying because i dont wanna hurt them like i wanna hurt myself ya know?

I miss the stinging feeling. Even how days after i cut, it still stung if u touched it or moved the wrong way. I miss being distracted by the way the pain made me feel.

I just feel like ill always be stuck. Stuck in the middle of a goodbye. Never feeling that pain, but never feeling that closure. Never feeling the certainty that somethings gone and is never coming back. I will always be frozen in this one time frame. Never wanting less, never having more. Im just stuck.

My sleeve rolled up, but only for a second. I didnt even notice my fresh scars were showing. Suddenly i feel my sleeve being pulled up. Its my "friend". She doesnt know i cut. Only 1 person knows. I just said it was my sisters cat. She didnt buy it. Other people start to join in, asking what really happened. Ive beeen keeping this secret for 2 years, and ill be damned if they find out now.

Eventually, they gave up on asking. That night, i cut a little too deep. A little too far down. My thighs were already covered in blood, so i moved on to my upper arms, so it could be covered with a tshirt. It started rolling up again and the next day, i felt that same terror as someone tried pulling up my sleeve without warning. I couldnt think. I was in a group of about 10 people, and i had a total breakdown. I blacked out, but luckily, my one friend was in that group and told everyone to just leave me alone. Thats why i love her so much. I know she'll always have my back, even though we havent talked about it in a year.

What the fuck are you supposed to do when everyones moving on without you? When everyone in your life doesnt want you?

Fuck right and wrong. I'm doing whatever makes me happy. Im going to stop thinking about what anyone else thinks of me and my actions.

- I am who I am. Deal with it.

This guy told me the other day, "i think im gonna be depressed today" as if you can choose it. He doesnt know the first thing about it, because if he did, he would know that it chooses you.

- i really wish it was a choice

I just wanna get away from it all, ya know?

This morning, I was so proud of myself. My scars had fully healed. Now, i can still feel the sting of my fresh wounds, and i cant help but wonder, "why does this make me feel so damn good?"

- i tried to stop, but it just made me worse

Aint it funny how life changes...

I’ve never known what it meant to take life day by day until I found out what life really was about. Hoping for better days , chasing a better tomorrow, it’s an exhausting cycle.