@na Shit - Blog Posts

I hate the weekends. I can never control myself.

Resist the urge

Between 500-600 not the worst day but could have been better if I didn’t have to eat dinner.🙃

Im embarrassed to say that I didn’t fast today.👎

Spent the day with my mom since I didn’t go to school, and we ended up going out to eat. I ate just below my maintenance calories. This is not ideal, but I’m proud I didn’t go overboard or anything. It sucks to be so close to my maintenance though. But at least it helped with the massive headache.

I hate boys almost as much as I hate food!

(He got a new gf)

Day two has passed!🥳 2/5 fast

Anyone else find the bruising to be oddly encouraging?

Sacrifice now, thrive later.

(Not my photo)

Day 1/5 fast completed 🙆‍♀️

I’m going to go on a five day fast. The longest I’ve ever done is 48 hours which I know is nothing but I struggle with fasting. Wish me luck! I will post how much I lose by the end.

My cheeks litteraly ruin my face, I need to be better at this

I hate my mind sometimes, why did I just have a dream I broke my fast, and I woke up all panicked, and guilty like I actually did.

my moms plan literally backfired, she took away the knifes to stop my sh, but I just got a 3d.

“Can I not be hungry” I ask my eating disorder. “FUCK YOU” said my eating disorder who was actually the fuck you guy.

I hate this, I hate eating little for days and then start eating like a p1g. I gotta lock in. Anyways, I have a friend at school who I started talking to since the beginning of the school year, and I recently discovered he is @n@‘s friend to, which is nice and bad at the same time. He understands me and I understand him, but it feels like a competition. Anyways, at least I don’t feel alone. 😭😭😭

manifesting on my journal.

I have a love-hate relationship with lax, like i love how skinny i feel after using them, but i hate feeling my @ss is on f fire.

oh yeah also to my @na moots is it a fast if i drink monster during it or is that smth else? idk bc i havent eaten since my mini breakfast at 7 am (its 4:30 rn) and i wanna know if i should count my monster

It's true that you shouldn't stay in the "fuck it, whatever" mindset after a binge - food-wise, anyway. You most of the time can't make up for binges - physically, again. But you can stay out of the "my day is ruined and I'll wallow in self-pity for the rest of it" been there, done that.

But honestly? That's NEVER worth it. So why not make use of the energy - and not by working out or trying to make up for it, because that's not gonna happen and because it doesn't work, you'll feel even more it was a bad day. No, try to do homework, a creative project, sit down for video games or movies, whatever. Something to distract you and that makes you still think by the end of the day, that even if you binged, you had a great or productive time and so that you can end it on a good note.

I get that it's difficult, but chances are high that due to this disorder, you neglect other thing which were once important to you - so see that as a way to make up for that, even make up for the binge in a different way if you want, but make it feel like you still spent your time with something positive, that wasn't for nothing by the end of it.

My lunch :)

Total: 155

(2x corncakes - 50; 7g Pesto - 23; 84g cottage cheese - 77; 12g frozen berries - 6)

Basically leftovers lol. Tasted okay and at least I'm full now - and don't mind the bowl please. It's cringe but it has a pig face and so whenever I finished eating that's what's staring back at me as a reminder looool not funny Ik

I hope no one noticed how I literally bought six cans of sf monster and nothing else

Still at my Grandma's... And I fucked up. Usually when I'm here, I either do really well or straight up binge, and it's appears that this time, I do both. Yesterday, I did really well actually but today was horrible. To be fair, no one in my family ate "normally" today, it's the ore-Easter shit, but I mean, they're not disordered, so I feel even more like a faker rn 😭

It's Easter tomorrow and I'm really scared. I'm feeling motivated to do well, but my family wants to go out for lunch tomorrow. I'll just get something from the kids's menu, skip breakfast and only eat a small dinner with my family if I can't avoid it.

And I really have to work on my steps! I feel awful for neglecting them, but I have a really important school project I need to work on... It feels like am excuse, but logically, it really isn't.

I mean, the day after tomorrow my Dad and I will leave already again, and the rest of the fam will stay with my grandma still, andy Dad will leave too after a few days, so my other sister and I will be home alone for a couple days at the end of the holiday s, which is great, since she doesn't really like me and won't force me to eat with her or something. Maybe she'll expect me to cook, because she's prepping for some exams, but that's fine Ig. I mean, I'm kinda planning to fast, but I'll also have to work on that school project, and I'll have to plan my eating depending on how much brain power I'll need then lol. So I have to finish as much of the project as I can now so that I'll be fine fasting/doing high res then.

Bruh why is this post so loong

Mom and Grandma keep gossiping about her old classmates and how fat they've come apparently 😭

And now they're changing topics to how fat the young people look these days and no one's taking care anymore like what-

Their words, not mine

First day at my Grandma's, and she moved her bathroom scale an now I can't find it :(

So now I'll have to go two days without weighing myself, and I can check my weight in three days after my Dad and I are home again... it's not an issue, I usually don't weigh myself everyday, either, it's just that I was planning to do it to keep myself accountable... Easter with my Grandma, a dangerous game food-wise

Why do I feel so tireeed

I've eaten and had an energy drink and two cups of coffee, plus I worked out so whyyy dooo III feeel soll exhaaaauuusted and heeeaaavyyy omg I'm stupid

I'm fat why am I still fat

Oh it's cuz I eat food like the fucking fat ass I am I fucking hate food and I need to be skinnyyyyyyyy

Was trying to read a book while pacing around my room but a couple pages in I realized just how heavy that thing was like okay, may not be the best to read while walking then, but also how am I supposed to read all that? Ugh

I've been trying to read more lately, because I always thought it was a bit of a waste of time really (I just sit around and do nothing even remotely productive, especially when it's novels I'm reading (I'm trying to get myself a couple scientific books now though so that I'll also feel like I am really doing something for my brain and interests then)) but then I got myself a digital watch and I've really started paying attention to my steps and work outs now and I got the brilliant idea of "what if I read during that?"

My neck is not thanking me. The books are not thanking me. I am NOT thanking me. But it's cool! It's books, after all.

And I used to read a lot as a kid, but that was because I got bullied (especially about my body) and literally had nothing else to do during break time back then because no one wanted to hang out with the fatty kid. Anyway, and that's one of the reasons I kind of stopped reading novels, but now I'm getting back into it!

I know that's a random ass lost but whatever. I don't even plan to write that much, I just wanted to tell you about my heavy book and then the words just started flowing lol

No better feeling than finally being locked in again after binging for days

I can't believe I keep throwing this feeling away when it's literally the best thing ever and nothing, truly NOTHING feels good about binging, because I don't even enjoy the food I eat when I do and even if I did in my head I'd be screaming at me to stop but most of the times I can't

It's one of the worst experience s in my opinion, whereas restricting does have a couple downsides but they don't outweigh (heh) how good it feels