Kõik Saab Korda

I’m starting to lose my only reasons to stay

Every time I know I have a panic attack. And I hate that I always know. I don’t want it to ruin everything but I can’t keep feeling that way. I’m trying to pretend that it’s okay, but I can’t stand it. I hate myself so much for feeling this way. I don’t want to be a controlling bitch who doesn’t let him do stuff he likes but it kills me slowly.

06.10.2018

Я устала.

Я перестала думать на какое-то время что смерть это выход. Выход откуда? От чего я бегу? С чем я не могу справится? Знаете... думаю о своих поступках и просто... будь я кем-то другим то я бы ненавидела такого человека как я. Таким как я желают смерти. Но я хуже. Люди любят меня. Но просто они не знают какая я. Они не знают на сколько я гнилая. Лживая тварь.

Я ПРИДУМАЛА КАК СЕБЯ УБИТЬ

Yesterday I felt like everything was okay. Yes, I had the worst anxiety but my life wasn’t empty. My life was full of meaning. I wanted to do stuff I loved. I wanted to make people happy.

Now I’m just thinking... why I am trying to make everyone else happy? Why I won’t finally make myself feel better? Why I won’t make myself not want to die and then when I finally achieve it I’d start to make other people happy too?

Next month is my birthday and I’m so scared of it. I don’t want to turn 20. It’s so terrifying for me and I can’t even explain why.

I’m trying my best.

I’m losing my mind again. But now I lost my battle to the life. To boring regular person life. Pandemic is taking the best of us. At first I loved being isolated but I need to travel, I need to visit concerts, I need to get these emotions. I don’t want to go back to drugs. I want to end my life. I want some extreme emotions and when u don’t know if you’ll be alive tomorrow or not bc u took 300 pills is a feeling I crave for. What’s wrong w me?

I wish I knew some big words to describe how I feel. I wish there was at least one language I knew that deep so I could write poetry. Except I’m using my simple mind to tell you that I don’t feel loved. Sometimes I wish I could love less, maybe I’d feel less violated then. If I could give you only half of my love, maybe then I wouldn’t feel so left out. It’s painful to feel this way. Like everything’s unfair. To make sacrifices for somebody who doesn’t feel this way. It hurts, it hurts like hell. I wish you could see it. See that I can’t tell you what hurts me because I don’t want you to feel any sort of pain. Making myself to carry all of it. I’m so tired.

Hey Marco!

I wanted to thank you for making me to understand my worth. Thank you for destroying everything I’ve been trying to build only let me guess... whole my life?

You know that feeling when whole your life you have only been falling and falling, somewhere deep down. Feeling that you’ve spent whole life nowhere being no one- nothing.

I’ve lived like that. One day I realised that I want to live. I saw my own reflection and you know what... I knew that I’m gonna live. Not just exist but actually live life worthy life. That one day I’ll be truly happy.

But why I don’t feel like that anymore? Why can’t I see my bright future anymore?

One night. One night can change everything. I honestly hate you for that. Bringing back everything I was trying to bury so many years.

Please, just travel back in time. Try to remember how many times you heard word “NO”. I know that English isn’t your first language but you fucking know what means NO. I said it at least 7 fuckin seven times. I remember you telling me “but you’re so hot”, so? are you gonna put your dick inside of every “hot girl”?

I feel like it was my fault that I didn’t punch you or wasn’t trying to run away. But you knew that I wasn’t able to do it that moment. You fucked me me while I couldn’t move. You saw me having a panic attack, you asshole.

I’ll tell you what happened when I left your place:

I cried, screamed, laughed. I was going insane. Be thankful that I went to a mental hospital. Because I was gonna kill myself with a note in my pocket that it’s your fault.

I’ve spent more than a two months in a hospital. I have flashbacks every... fuckin every day.

It’s really hard to make me hate someone. But I really hate you with whole my heart.

I just want to ask you one question... why?

Didn’t you know that when for you is just putting hard dick in and out of girls body can destroy her whole life?

For you it was one night fun. For me... I’ve been in your room again and again. I feel physically that pain, that fear almost every day.

28th January 2020 have been worst day of this year.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. If I’ll get rid of all these nightmares and panic attacks.

I would understand if you kill someone physically and you’re sorry for that BUT if you kill someone’s soul just to cum. Then please burn in hell.

With whole my hate

- girl you killed

I feel like I’m in a cage. Every time I try to be myself somebody shuts me down. I hope it ends soon.