OMG!!!!

let me come home

content warnings: f! reader, angst, fluff, smut, sex toys, unprotected p in v sex, oral sex m receiving, oral sex f receiving, drug mentions (weed and ecstasy)

word count: 3.7k

Your sneakers squeak on the pristine tile floor of the hotel lobby as you hurry to the elevator. With your hoodie over your head, you look down at your phone.

“1221” says the most recent text. You whip your head up long enough to smile at the elevator attendant and tell him where you’re headed. Inside the small box, you feel flustered; claustrophobic with excitement and anxiety and anticipation. When you reach the twelfth floor, you dart out quicker than is polite and look behind you as you scan the room numbers in front of you. 17, 19, 21. You look to both sides again before knocking twice. Finally, the door swings open and you’re face to face with a jogger-clad Matty. He looks soft around the edges, worn-out. It’s probably the jet lag. He beams at the sight of you and you push past him into the room.

“Did you get the pigs in a blanket?” you ask him once you’ve left your shoes at the door. His face falls and his brows furrow.

“What kind of greeting is that?” he returns. You look at him blankly in a stalemate.

“They said it will be 45 minutes,” he relents. Your face lights up and you greet him with a kiss on the cheek. And the neck. Matty wraps his arms around you and leans down to kiss the top of your head. The sweet floral scent of your hair fills his lungs, intoxicating him more than any joint or drink could.

“Not to get you all riled up, but I sprung for some orange juice as well,” he says into your hair. You chuckle good-naturedly and lean up to meet his lips in a homecoming kiss. Your skin begins to sing as he kisses you back insistently, parting your lips with his tongue. You whimper softly at the euphoric feeling, already beginning to spread to your head and limbs.

“Think we can go for a round before they come up with it?” you ask conspiratorially.

“Don’t tempt me with a good time,” he replies. You’re smiling as he picks you up by your bum and carries you to the king sized bed, plopping you down unceremoniously in the middle. You move towards the top of it and shrug your hoodie off, revealing a red lace bra. Matty moves to cover you with his body as you get comfortable, your head against the plush, cold pillows.

One of his hands moves to trace the outline of your bra, flesh strains against the delicate fabric, practically begging to be released. He licks his bottom lip absentmindedly and his hand fully envelops your breast.

“Fuck, all this for me?” he asks. You roll your eyes.

“Obviously,” you smile back at him.

“You spoil me sweetheart. So fucking gorgeous,” his words are like syrup, sticky and sweet. They coat your tongue with sugar and go to straight your head. They linger in your mind when he's gone. You wish you could bottle them or press them into vinyl. Play them for your family and friends. Look, this is real. I’m his. A pang of hurt hits you right behind the eyes.

Matty is pressing soft, chase kisses to the exposed flesh on your chest. He looks so content– at home. Are you each others' homes?

“You okay baby?” he looks up at you, all pink lips and flushed skin and blown-out pupils, “you’re not taking the piss out of me for being sentimental.” His words make you chuckle, and snap from your melancholia. Your hands find his soft brown hair in answer to his question.

“I’m perfect. Fuck, keep going please,” his hands are around your back in no time, fumbling with the clasp of your bra. You arch your back to grant him more access and he groans at the feeling of you pressed into him. The euphoria clouds his mind and his fingers move uselessly behind you. You move your hand to cover them.

“Here, I got it,” you chuckle.

“No. Fuck, please let me. You went to all this effort, I wanna unwrap you myself,” he finally undoes the clasp and you lift your arms as he peels the garment off of you, brushing his lips down your arm as he does. Your breasts, once held up perfectly by the lingerie, flatten on your chest, you look down at them. Matty catches you looking.

“Don’t worry, they’re perfect,” he kisses the valley between your tits, right next to your heart. “Perfect, perfect,” the movements of his mouth massage the soft flesh of your right breast as he moves further in. “Perfect,” he says and captures your right nipple in his mouth, immediately swirling his tongue around it, wetting you completely. His teeth close softly around the bud and just when you think you’ve got him figured out, he replaces them with his lips, sucking devotedly at you. Your skin is on fire and he’s the only one who can extinguish it. You know he’ll bring you right to the edge of burning down before he does.

You arch up into the feeling of his warm mouth and have a moment of clarity long enough to realize he’s still in his t-shirt. Your hands move to the hem and push it up his rigid stomach.

“Off, off, off,” you say deliriously. It’s meant to be sexy, but it comes out whiney, needy. Why are you always so needy?

Your thoughts are cut off by the sight of his fair skin littered with tattoos, passing thoughts he’s memorialized on his body. Your lusty eyes devour him and all of the sudden you need more control.

“Switch with me,” you demand. He obliges without a word and you take your leggings off as he shuffles around on his back. You move back over him, now clad only in a red thong that barely functions as underwear. Matty notices it at the same time you do: you’ve left a wet mark on his gray sweatpants where you straddled him. He reaches down to touch the damp fabric between your thighs, warm and inviting. He plays with the lace, pulling it up so it rubs deliciously between your folds and roughly on your clit. Your head falls back and you begin to grind against his hand as he moves the fabric back and forth, finally gathering the friction you came here for. His fingers wander down to your hole and push tentatively into you. He’s only halfway in when he pulls them out. Your eyes snap up to him annoyed. He offers you a conciliatory glance.

“Can I eat you out?”

You’re appeased. You dismount him to shuck your last stitch of clothing off. As you crawl back up his body, his eyes catch yours.

“You thought I was gonna be mean? What on earth would make you think that?” Your mind’s eye flashes back to a reunion a month ago, your hands tied beautifully above your head as Matty edged you cruelly with a vibrator. Come and get it, greedy girl. The obscenities echo in your head. You blush at the thought and at his taunts.

“Shut up,” you say timidly, and cover his face with your wet cunt. He’s got his arms around your thighs and his tongue slicing up between your folds, treating you to a variety of sensations as he pays attention to each sensitive part of you. Your hands come up to brace yourself against the headboard as he begins to work on your clit, licking in sweet sideways strokes before sucking it into his mouth. As the pressure in your body increases, you begin to ride his face, furiously chasing your release.

“Mmmmph fuck, good girl,” the vibrations from his moans go straight into your pussy and increase your pleasure tenfold.

“Please, please stay like that. I’m gonna cum,” you warn. He releases a lengthy moan into you as you continue to chase your peak. He knows he’s the only person to have ever made you cum, and he still gets off on it every time. He moves his mouth away from you long enough for you to hear what he’s saying.

“Cum for me, please. Need you all over my face baby,” and with that he’s back in you everywhere. Hands coming to cover your backside and reach into your wetness, his tongue licking up into your hole, filling you. His nose bumps into your clit at intervals that drive you crazy. But what tips you over the edge is when he moves his hand to the bottom of your entrance, pushing gently against your back wall. You feel so full and euphoric as your orgasm washes over you, starting at the space between your legs and spreading to your chest, your fingers, your nose. You ride him through it and stop when you can’t take it anymore, breathing heavily. His fingers are still pressed inside you. He’s obsessed with knowing it’s real, feeling your heartbeat against his fingers and face. You know you can never fake it with him, and what’s more you don’t have to.

You move off of him and lay on your back. He ducks to the side to clean himself a bit and then leans over to kiss you. You put your hand on his head and move him away gently.

“My face is numb. Can’t feel you,” you say bashfully.

“Yeah?” he’s proud and smiling, eyes squinted so tight you can’t make out his irises.

“Sorry,” you say.

“Please, that’s the best reason I’ve ever heard not to kiss someone,” he grins and pulls you into his chest to come down. Your hands come up to the space below his ribs, trace his top abdominals, get lost in the sweet smattering of chest hair that covers his tattoos.

A knock at your door snaps you from your reverie. You hurry under the duvet as Matty gets up, stretching his muscular arms gratuitously before heading to the door.

The hotel worker has a table he’s wheeling around and he begins to push it into the room. Matty is quick to stop the table and wink at the guy.

“I’ll take it from here, mate thanks,” he says and hands him a $20 note. With the door finally closed, Matty rolls your midnight snack over to your side of the bed. He pours you orange juice from the carafe before crossing the room to faff about with his luggage. You watch him curiously as you sip on your orange juice, slowly feeling the weight return to your body as you replenish your blood sugar. He produces a beautifully wrapped box from his duffel.

“What’s this?” you ask. It’s not uncommon for Matty to give you gifts, but he’s always finding some way to surprise you. He’s sweet, impossibly sweet. Though you suppose it must be easy to be nice when you’re rich. You push the thought away. Nothing exists outside of these four walls. Nothing exists except us.

He gets into bed and slots himself behind you. He kisses your shoulder as he places the parcel on the covers.

“Open it,” he insists. You rip the wrapping paper eagerly and see the box of a beautiful — that’s really the only word you could use to describe it — vibrator. It’s the fanciest you’ve ever seen: pink and white and gold. You want to laugh, of course he’d make an investment when it comes to this.

“You’re crazy, this is a fancy fucking vibrator,” you chuckle and lean your head against him. He reaches over to the table and uncovers the pigs in a blanket. He feeds one to you tenderly before enveloping you in his arms.

“You know our sex is too good for second rate toys,” he states, smiling into your neck. You finish chewing and turn around in his lap before hugging him around his neck.

“All this and room service?” you tease, opening the box excitedly.

“What can I say, I’m a generous guy,” he smiles slyly, taking the box from your struggling hands, “Now hurry up and eat, I wanna use it on you.” Your heart jumps into your throat.

“I don’t need to eat, I’m ready now,” you tell him, defiant. He loves it, loves how eager you are, how badly you want him, how you treat him like he’s the only person you’ve ever had. He traces his pointer finger over your cupid's bow.

“I’m ready too, darlin’ but I need you to eat something. After that I’ll keep you up all night long. I promise,” he coos. He grabs two more bites of food and gives one to you, cheersing you before eating his whole.

—

Matty gently removes the vibrator from your swollen, red clit and gets up off the bed as he quickly rids himself of his boxers. He leans back over your face and kisses you, admiring your blissed out expression.

“Do I need to get a condom?” he knows that, with you guys, it’s not always safe to go without. He wouldn’t pressure you, but he knows you’d rather feel him wholly, if you can. Obviously, he feels the same way. You blush a little.

“I’m actually good this time. I’ve not been with anyone else,” you don’t know why you’re shy about it. Surely, he wouldn’t find that lame, would he? No, he would like it, you think. He would like that he’s the only person to have been with you recently. Maybe you’re kidding yourself. He touches your face and snaps you out of it.

“I haven’t either,” he says calmly, “don’t trust anyone like I trust you.” He climbs back over top of you and kisses you deeply, “turn over for me, yeah?”

You oblige, settling comfortably on your stomach. He moves a pillow under your hips and hikes your right leg up at an angle on the bed. You hear buzzing again behind you as Matty positions the vibrator on your clit.

“You feel good?” he asks.

“Yes,” you’re a little out of breath, dumb with anticipation, “Need you though. Need it harder.”

You feel him running up and down through your folds, almost dipping into you. You moan obnoxiously, too proud to tell him again how much you need him. It’s enough for him, he pushes into you unhurriedly, savoring the moment, relishing in every inch he stretches you. When he bottoms out, he moves his hands up beside your shoulders and whispers in your ear.

“Fuck you’re so tight. Can I move?” You nod frantically into the pillow and he begins to snap his hips into yours. You feel your heartbeat everywhere as your pleasure begins to build. Matty covers your hands in his and stretches them out in front of you, keeping you in place as he fucks you precisely. Each time he bottoms out, he presses your clit perfectly against the vibrator.

“Good girl. You’re doing so well for me, baby,” he pants in your ear. He’s dominant, but it’s sweet and the perfect mixture of submission and pride swirls around your foggy brain as you begin to float. You try to focus on one feeling at a time, his cock sliding in and out of you, his hands on yours’, his warm breath on your ear, the vibrations on the tortured nub between your legs. It’s too much all together. You let yourself go, brain wiping completely as you buck senselessly against the pillow, trying to meet his hips. You cum without realizing that the feeling was creeping up on you, attacked with pleasure as you collapse on the bed in total bliss. Matty’s not far behind, watching you unravel beneath him makes his ego swell and he fucks into you even harder than before.

“I need a second,” you say. It catches Matty off-guard and he stills above you, pulling out slowly. He turns you on your back so he can see your eyes.

“You okay?” he searches your face for any discomfort.

“I’m fucking great. Just sensitive. Were you close?” you ask, suddenly concerned you’ve ruined it for him.

“Yeah, I was,” he seems unbothered. He smiles down at you. You take his hard cock in your hand and begin to pump him over your stomach. “Fuuuuuuuck,” his head rolls back, “can I come in your mouth?”

You kneel in response and push him down onto his back and take him in your mouth, bobbing up and down, wetting him completely and keeping the pressure on him. He reaches out to grab your hand as he begins to spurt into your mouth. The salty tang of him tastes like victory. You smile at him; a content, fucked out grin and then swallow. He wipes a bit left over by the side of your mouth.

“C’mere,” he whines and pulls you into him again. “Goddamn you’re so good to me.”

“Aw don’t go soft on me now, Healy,” you taunt. He groans.

“Don’t be cute. I just came, I don’t have my wits well enough about me to go toe-to-toe with you,” he responds.

“Now if only you’d admit the same about the rest of the time,” you muse.

“Cheeky,” he bops your nose. You let silence fill the room for a moment.

“How long are you here for?” you question, looking up at him. A word from him could change the course of your life, it seems. No, you’re not in love with him. You wouldn’t let yourself do that. But god it feels right with him. It makes sense that you’d want to prolong your time with him for as long as possible. You’re not you when you’re with him. Well yes, you’re you, but a freer, less encumbered you. Like you’re on vacation, or on ecstasy…or something. He makes all the hurt go away. All of the hurt is outside, and inside is a protective fort of your own making. Your shelter.

“Five days. ‘Til Sunday,” he says, “can’t stand the heat longer than that.” You know Matty hates Los Angeles. You don’t blame him, really. It doesn’t seem anything like home to him.

But it still makes you sad. That he might spend bits of his free time in other places just because he likes the atmosphere better. That he would choose to be away from you even though you feel more like home to him than any city could.

“Okay,” you say. It didn’t really need an answer. You can’t see him every day anyways. You have a job and housemates that will wonder where you are, and a mother who’s always begging you to come by for dinner. You don’t tell them about him: your booty call, the rockstar. That would go over well. Anyways, you two are the only ones who get you. Everything goes bad once it leaves the safe-haven you’ve carefully built for yourselves. Rumors and questions and judgements. You’d rather keep it all here. Where it can be perfect.

“Will you tell me about Spain?” you query as you nestle yourself back into him, pushing away the future and snuggling back into the present.

“It was fucking unreal, darlin’. You would have loved it. All these breathtaking old churches and mosques. People dancing, playing guitar, and cheering in the streets. And the food, god. I know you too well to take you there, you would eat yourself silly and then tell me you’re too full to make love to me,” he chuckles.

“That seems like an appropriate behavior on vacation,” you push back.

“It is, but I want you all to myself,” he flips the two of you onto your sides and buries his head in your chest as he squeezes you impossibly closer. “Does that make me selfish?”

His voice sounds so small when it’s coming from under the covers.

“Maybe,” you say. He looks up at you like he might be hurt, “but I’m selfish when it comes to you, too.” You consider your next words, scared to be too candid. No, you think, If anyone would want me to be honest, it’s Matty.

“I get a little rush when you tell me that you haven’t been with anyone since you last saw me,” you say tentatively.

“Me too, sweetheart. It’s different with you.” You breathe a sigh of relief. You sit up and grab the glasses off the side table and go to the restroom. You relieve yourself quickly and fill the water cups, bringing them back to bed.

“Can I ask you a question?” you say. Matty raises his eyebrows in answer as he takes a sip of water. “What does it really feel like for guys when you have sex with girls? You guys always act like it feels so good when you first put it in. Is it really like that every time?”

Matty smiles softly at your earnestness. “I thought you were gonna ask me something serious,” he teases.

“I am being serious,” you insist.

He considers you, your expression, your posture. Deciding what you want from him. The truth, he thinks. All she ever wants is the truth. He takes you in his arms.

“You know when you get back from a holiday and you get to sleep in your bed on your pillow again for the first time in weeks?” you nod along. “It’s like that, but a thousand, no— a million times better. Especially if it’s with someone you know. It’s a relief. It’s safe. It feels like coming home.” You look at him, searching for any little bit of artifice. You find none, you should know by now that you won’t find any with him. Why can’t you trust that?

“You feel like coming home, darlin’.”

You believe him. You agree. So why does it still hurt? You put your head on his chest and close your eyes.

“So do you. Thanks for taking me home.”

“Anytime.”

You know he doesn’t quite mean it—any time he’s in town, yes. Anytime he’s not with a groupie in Japan. Anytime he’s not dealing with some work obligation or visiting his family in England. But as sleep begins to crowd your brain, you let yourself take his words at face value. Anytime. Anytime. He’ll come home anytime.

a/n: please tell me your thoughts etc. I hope this brightens your day! see you all at satvb this fall <3

3 albums I’m listening too , I don’t really do albums but I’ll try my best

1) The 1975 (Deluxe)- I don’t even think I can pick a singular song on that album but one I spend my live shouting the lyrics too is Undo - so if any I’d say that if any because arghhh I just love it so much

2) In the end it always does - By The Japanese House - and touching yourself JUST HAS MY HEART IM SOOOO IN LOVE WITH THAT SONG FUCKIN HELL I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY

3) Socialising- Michael Aldag - POLAROID makes me just go absolutelyferal

@rudiecantfail tagged me to post 3 albums i’ve been listening to lately and i was so exited to talk about music !!!!! here are the albums plus one song i think you should check out

1. unreal unearth by hozier (listen to de selby part 2!!!))

2. i heart the internet by harriette (i’m obsessed with fucking married)

3. big in the world by shakey graves (i think evergreen is the best song on the EP but it’s so short just listen to all of it!)

tagging my lovely friends who i’ve been chatting with today!! @disasterfag @moonyinpisces @davidhole @cptnvers @genderascendant

Another “On Repeat” playlist shuffle lets see what I have this time ❤️

1) Talk!- The 1975

2)POLAROID - Michael Aldag

3)cheating - Michael Aldag

4)Speed Drive - Charli XCX

5) Girl All The Bad Guys Want - Bowling for soup

6) girlfriends (sped up version)- Michael Aldag

7) UGH!- The 1975

8) Teenage Dream - Michael Aldag

9) She’s American - The 1975

10) Coming Home - Kasier Chiefs

As we can see I’m not the most diverse but hey

@footprint-in-the-snow @goldrushgoingunder @wrestletotheground @the1975music @imagine-that-100 @x-a-black-winged-dove-x

Tagged by @wehavecometoanend--maybe, thank you!!

Rules: Shuffle your 'on repeat' playlist and post the first ten tracks, then tag ten people.

Pain - boy harsher

Brand new city - mitski

Heaven - mitski

Just like heaven - the cure

Mama - my chemical romance

Cities in dust - siouxsie and the banshees

Spellbound - siouxsie and the banshees

Your best American girl - mitski

Wax and wane - cocteau twins

Promised land - skeletal family

I tag @silvainea @teapartycrasher @allafey @lilydvoratrelundar @tiredandangry @lesbiansagainsttheatre @necrogardens @hoptism @fleshdyke and @sharksnespresso

I have a confession as a self proclaimed lover of anything Matty Healy

I think I may fancy George Daniel more ☺️

Boyo needs to stop chewing on his nails man (I mean my hands are constantly bleeding cuz of it but we don’t gotta talk about that )

Chapter 26

Word count 2208

I think the only mentions for this one is maybe mentions of depression or inclination of it

THIS ONE IS WRITTEN FROM ROSS’ POV, AND I DONT KNOW HOW ITS GOING TO BE SO IF ITS BAD IM SORRY , I DONT RELALY KNOW ROSS BUT I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT

Feedback is always welcome 🥰

Also thank you so much to all of you who are taking time out of your day to read this (I know there’s so many better fanfics out there , better written and all but ) I’m so thankful for those who are reading it

I also do blurbs as well if anyone has any ideas they might want to get to me

I feel like this might be a little trickier for me to write as I've never written anything from Ross'POV before so if this is terrible I'm so sorry .

Ross' POV

"What are we gunna do with you huh ?"

I felt Matty slightly shrug at my question as I slowly wrack my hands through his hair being careful but he still shock his head a little "please don't....it hurts" , he was shivering

"Are you cold?" , I felt him shake his head again at my question. "Do you need water?", again another shake if his head. This is going to be a long night. "What do you need mate?"

"George ...George doesn't...He was gunna call me tonight.can you...can you tell him that I might not be"

"Tell him on what" , I pull my phone out of my pocket being careful enough to try and not disturb Matty who was still resting on my lap

"Add his insta , bedforddanes75, just send him a message", so that I do , I add George but instead of waiting for the add back I send him a message straight away

Ross : Hey if this is the correct George , I'm Ross , Mattys best mate, I know you and Matty were supposed to call tonight but Matty isn't having the best of nights so he's with me , if you need anything please just gimme a shout and I'll see what I can do 😌

I then place my phone on the table beside me and turn my attention straight back to Matty "When was the last time you had a proper meal Matty ?", I'm scared to actually find out the answer at this point , I never realised how thin hed gotten until I was picking him up. He's so light

"Proper meal um .....I don't really know...I snack on stuff occasionally but ..I uh... I don't remember the last full meal I had"

"Right , I'm going to get you some food and water okay, can you stay ere for me?", I felt him shrug again against my leg. "What you trying to say mate?"

"Nothing, just not hungry but alright", I slowly removed him from my legs and tried to tuck him into the bed properly and made sure he was comfy enough. I snag my phone from the table beside him and give him a small peck on his temple "I love you mate"

"You too Rosso" ,

"Just shout if you need me okay"

"Mhm"

I make my way from the my room and quickly through to my mums just checking that there alright "you alright mum".

"I'm alright love, how's Matty doing?" , I slip into the room and close the door leaning against it. "I honestly have no idea at this point Mum"

"What's up with him like love?"

I scratch the back of my head really debating telling my mum about everything because I know she'll tell Denise but I've gotten to the point where I can't keep it together anymore and someone needs to tell Denise and Matty will never do it, so I slide down the door sat down next to it, something I've done since I was young always just sat at the door while I need to tell her something "He's on stuff Mum , like really deep in them and, I don't know if he knows how to stop, he was just messing around to begin with but it's gotten really bad, and it's not my place to tell Denise or Tim but someone needs to and I know he never will and I don't know how to help him anymore Mum but he really needs help."

"What stuff do you mean love, what's he taken"

"I don't know to the full extent because, I don't know how honest he is sometimes when it comes to it but, uh I think he's on coke and drinks a lot too, and weed , I mean I know I smoke weed but like all of it all the time it's just getting to much for him", I know I should trust him in what he tells me but he's just been so off lately and it's so difficult and everyone including himself is suffering and I just need to help him.

"And what do you mean by it just started off as messing around?, you haven't taken anything have you?"

"No I haven't myself , but I do know that uh Janey and Matty used to do stuff when they were just at parties and stuff but I never realised how bad it got for him, he never did it around anyone other than Janey or Corey I think"

"Do I know Corey?", my mum was sat up now on her phone probably about to contact Denise, because that's what mums do isn't it.

"No, I don't really know Corey myself he's a bit older than us but Matty met him at a party"

"Right , thank you my love, is there anything else that Denise would need to know?, anything else really?"

"I think she probably knows but he's really struggling at school , just having panic attacks all the time over the smallest things , but I think she knows that" , I rise up from my spot on the floor and quickly say goodbye to her as I feel like that might be the end of the conversation. Then make my way to the kitchen to make some food for him. Just some eggs on toast , protein might help. As well as a glass of water I make some tea for us both as well it'll calm him down. It takes about ten minutes to get everything ready. I load everything onto a tray and make my way back up to him, when I reach my room the first thing I notice is that Matty is somewhat quiet even in this state.

"Matty" , I push the door open and what I'm faced with is Matty fast asleep in my bed curled up into the blanket still fully clothed. I play the tray on the table next to my bed and just take myself over to the bed and sit next to him. I take out my phone again and see that I have a pending request and message from George.

George : oh hey Ross, thanks for telling me, what happened?

Ross: I don't really know what happened I didn't get the whole story, everything just kind of took a turn for the worst tonight.

George : what do you mean?? Is he okay? , is he awake can I see him?????

Ross: he's alright for now, he's asleep right now and I don't really want to wake him, I don't think he's stable right now

George: when he wakes up can you tell him I'm asking for him yeh ??

Ross: sure thing bro honestly , can I let you in on a little secret ??

George : sure

Ross: I think your gunna be really good for him , he ain't shut up about ya really and uh I think he really likes ya, but please don't hurt him

George : I'd never plan on hurting him, he’s really managed to crawl his way into my brain, I just hope he’s okay

Ross : I’ll keep an eye on him and keep you updated G

I place my phone back into my bedside table and carefully lay down properly and turn my tv on, putting on Simpson a just for background noise while I hold Matty through his tough time and just cradle his body on my arms occasionally telling him everything will be okay

After about another half an hour I can feel him storing in my arms so I release my grip a tiny bit “hey there you muppet”, He doesn’t move much but wraps his arms around me squeezing a little “are you okay?”

“My ead hurts Ross, like real bad”, he buries his head in the crook of my neck trying to hide from the light a little bit.

“Matty?”

“Mhm”

“What happened?, like really ?, can you be honest?” , as he’s leaning against me I can feel a tiny tremor coursing through his body

“I don’t think I can”

“Can’t what ?, tell me?”

“I don’t know what happened Ross I swear, I was fine then I wasn’t, that’s all there is too it”

“Can you at least tell me why you needed to do any of that stuff Matty?, like why did you feel the need to go out and get high again?”

“Everything is just so loud in my head, it’s like grey and cloudy , I see everything in greyscale basically, and I wanted to stop it like even for just a second, like you know when you wake up and like you can hear the birds chirping away and someone is cutting the grass down the road and there’s like sounds from people being busy round the house and it can be quite irritating when your trying to sleep well it’s like that in my head all the time, I can just hear everything, every annoying noise , everything buzzes or ticks , the static in the tv, the electricity running through everything and it’s annoys me so much makes it hard to concentrate and I just wanted to shut it up” , I can feel my shoulder start to get a little wet, indicating that Matty is crying again so I bring my arms around him properly again and hold him. “I just feel lost man….like everything is pushing me closer and closer to the edge everyday….some days I can cope with it ….but other days It just won’t go away”.

“But is nearly killing yourself the answer Matty!?”, I can’t imagine a world where Matty wasn’t in it, We’ve already lost one members of our little clique I don’t know if I’d cope with Matty gone too.

“I’m not gunna die Ross, I’ll be fine, I just don’t know how to deal with it sometimes, this is the only way I know” , Matty let’s go off me now, sits up and wipes his eyes harshly with the sleeve of his jacket. “I just want to feel like I’m not losing my mind”.

“Why can’t you tell people when things get to hard for you” , I adjust myself so I’m sat cross legged on the bed next to him looking at him, searching for any sign , literally anything that might tell me how he’s feeling.

“I try Rosso , but I just…I don’t know, I just feel like if I tell people they’ll try to stop me from doing what I need to do to feel better….and it’ll just make it worse” , Matty mirrors me my actions sat cross legged also but flings his jacket off and placed it in the space between us. “I’m so angry or upset all the time and I hate it , I just wanna be me again”

“You are you, you’ll always be Matty no matter how your feeling , your allowed to be angry , upset , stressed, but you don’t have to destroy yourself Mate, I know your finding stuff hard and I hate having to watch you go through it but I need you to know that your my best mate like ever and I can’t lose you” , we’re both crying now, I rarley cry but when it comes to serious stuff it makes me emotional and I know I’m going to lose it if this keeps happening. “You got some tea and food there can you try have some for me”

“Mhm”, I know he’s not going to have much of it and it’s gone cold but I need to see him eat even if it’s just for my own selfish reasons for my own peice of mind you know, he picks up the tray and starts picking away at the bread. “Ross ?”

“Yeh man”

“Did you tell George?, like what happened”

“No , I didn’t tell him what happened , you should do that , I just told him your having a bad night, and he was asking for you though , he seems like a good egg”

“He so is, would you mind if we called, he might cheer me up a little” , as he’s sipping on his tea I can tell that he’s still a little bit bouncy and I don’t know how to describe it maybe like scared , anxious is the word. “I mean not that your not doing a good job but like, I’d like for you to meet him too”

“Sure you can, but I need you to do one thing for me” , I want him to tell his mum what’s going on like fully , so we can all work on it together , help him through this bump in the road, get him the help he might need and we can get out Matty back.

“Yeh”

“Can you please tell your mum that your um ….I don’t know the word like … struggling with drugs”, he notice him out of the corner of my eye put his toast down as I say it. “Like I know it’ll be hard but she’s been where you are ….she might be a little better help than me and she’ll have better advice than me”

“Okay, but later okay”

Chapter 13

Word count : 2419

Mention of drugs , it’s cute and angsty still and supportive and just fluff

Matty's POV

Once I write the text I read it over to make sure I didn't miss anything out and then send it knowing an answer will never come is still upsetting but it's also grounding knowing I can say anything and not be corrected or told to think about things. I spend sometime reading over things I've sent since she passed it's bringing tears to my eyes again. I don't quite know how long I'd been lying there, but i here his little voice come from the screen

"That doesn't look like sleeping to me love", he's looking a little bleary eyed and confused "are you okay ?"

I look up at him and drop my phone down onto my pillow like a child who'd been caught up after bedtime chuckling a little bit at myself "I'm alright I was just reading some stuff", I smile at him to confirm I'm alright.

"What we're you reading, you looked a little upset", pulling the duvet around himself more he rubs his eyes and tries to get everything into focus again.

"Just old texts I sent to Janey , I sent her a text just telling her about you , I've been doing it a-lot since she passed it helps a lot", I pull my pillow under me better so I can lay right. I feel better than before It must be wearing off and I'm much more settled.

"About me , why ?", he looks so young right now, so gorgeous , I know I've said it before but I'll keep saying it's because it's true.

"I was telling her about this guy I met and how lovely he is and how much he helps me", fuck I'm blushing again, my face is warm from the blush, I can't deny it though he constantly makes me blush, the idea of being able to maybe love him one day keeps playing in my mind it's weird.

"I'm lovely? , I'm sorry Matty , are you good bruv ?" , man even his sarcasm is cute , but seriously I could talk about him all day , he then begins to laugh and sits up a little "it's funny though"

"What's funny?"

"I was just telling my friends about this guy I'd met , how interesting I find him , even though I don't know him all the well but he's really handsome" , he's blushing too now and seems a little nervous with this revelation, he doesn't need to be I do find him lovely and VERY attractive "I wasn't lying earlier when I said your fit"

"Neither was I" , letting out a sigh I'd been holding without realising, I switch on my bedside light now feeling alot better that before, I feel like a 14 year old teenager again just falling for someone without even knowing them it's stupid " I really like having you around"

"I like having you around too, I wish I could I’m hug you right now", he still seems shy I could easily change that one day

"That would be amazing if I'm honest just to hold someone for a minute", I want to I really do

We get talking for a while a lot into the night talking about the things we like and don't like , stories of friends and funny anecdotes, he tells me the story of when he broke his wrist.Where laughing at it , I'm laughing that hard my stomach hurts and my eyes are streaming. This guy is amazing. I swear I've never felt this close to someone before other than the boys and Janey . I tell him the story of Ross when we were 13 smoking for the first time how high he got and ate basically everything in my fridge and how mad my Mum got because he ate what she had bought for dinner. The story of when my brother was born and how scared I was because I thought I'd break him but now we're literally the most inseparable brothers could be.

"You really love everyone in your life dont you Matty?, you hold them so close", Since starting the conversation we'd both woken up a lot and started becoming more animated but I"ve learned how much this kid talks.

"I love em all there all amazing, you should meet them one day", I swear one day I'll make sure he meets them

"You mean you actually wanna meet me?", how is he still unsure of that I want him around.

"Your an actual twat G , yes I want to meet you", he's smiling like an actual numpty again as am I. I don't really know if I'd ever stop smiling while he's talking to me. He really does make me feel safe "Can I tell you something George , please don't go mad at me though."

"That's ominous , but yes go ahead you can tell me anything", I really hope this doesn't push him away but people are always telling me to be honest, so im going to be honest the most honest I've ever been. Not even my mother knows.

"Well ...I think I might have a drug problem". My face is red right now but not from blushing this time more so nerves and how scared I am of being sincere and honest.

"I have an inckling that you don't mean weed do you ?" , I can tell he's listening because he's looking at me so much worry in his eyes and he's paying attention but he doesn't seem cross or mad so I keep going.

"No I mean , cocaine , I used to only do it at parties or when I was out with my mates , not that they ever would there amazing , but lately it's more often and it makes me feel better about things and stops me thinking for a while" I stop to take a breath then continue "and I know I shouldn't rely on it , and it's probably the worst thing I could turn too but it helps it really does"

"Matty slow down, you don't have to explain to me okay,I'll help you stop if that's what you want , is that what was wrong earlier ?",Im so glad he's not mad , I would if it were the other way around and I was talking to me but that's why he's so different, and he's so understanding. I didn't think he'd be this calm but I'm glad he is. "Like I knew something was off about earlier but I didn't know want you to be upset with me"

"Yeh in all honesty,after singing that song , I knew it would take me hours to calm down". It's weird being honest and not being pushed away or getting in trouble. I don't know how easy it will be to stop but if he really means what he said I'll try for him.

"I'm sorry love, how does it make you feel", he's now sat fully up and trying to find something I don't know what but I'm sure I'll find out eventually. I don't know how it makes me feel really it just empties me out and calms me, settling me down per say

"It just for lack of better words makes me feel nothing, just clears my brain of everything that's making me feel out of place", The room is starting to get a little warm so I remove my jumper just sitting in a T-shirt and my boxers, I know being honest is good but it really doesn't feel that good sometimes

"Well , I'm going to help you feel that way when you need it but what I need from you is to tell me when you feel like you need it and please for the love of god don't disappear" . As I remove my jumper I can see him eyeing me up a little even though he's trying to be serious, but I can't help but blush at the little twinkle in his eye as my T-shirt rides up a little.

"I'll do my best, I won't go anywhere that I can promise but it might be a little harder to do the other thing , but I'll try", I wanna play with him a little I get up out of the bed and place my laptop on the desk at the other side and take off my T-shirt then come to the desk sitting down and getting my Xbox remote putting my headset around my neck looking like I'm about to put them on I can see him blush again and he's slightly fidgety. I don't want to take it to far it would just be a little weird this early on but I can guarantee he loved it , trust me I know how to flirt.

He coughs a little to get his voice back " That's , that's okay so long as you know I'm here" , he's still bright red and his pupils are still blown wide "I know where having a serious conversation right now but your really handsome"

"I am , am I?" , I smile at the screen and start playing with the headset wires rolling it through my hands , I can see myself in the corner of my screen my hairs a mess and my shoulders and top half of my torso is showing I look a mess , slightly skinny as my coller bones are protruding and my arms are like twigs. But I can't deny I'm still pretty

"Yeh", I know he's young but I don't know if he knows how to flirt but you know what he's cute so I'll deal with it.

"Wanna play something, we can play fifa if you want ?"

"Sure , that would be cool". I run over to get my remote and come back and he's already up getting everything prepared, I wait till he's ready before starting a game "what team you gunna be but you can't be no shit second league team"

"Ahh young warrior you know nothing , I'm playing as Newcastle United and if you say anything this game ain't gunna happen" , I pick my team and I see he picks Sunderland I swear it was just to annoy me , rival teams and all "I swear you did that on purpose"

"Maybe I did" he chuckles to himself and the game begins.

The first half is played really poorly by both of us, none of our teams are doing what we wish they'd do, My goalie is honestly the only player playing right. I know I'm controlling it but nope it's not my fault none of them are playing right. I've netted at least two goals to his one. We went silent as the second half approached. The second half was alot better everyone is cooperative and Ive managed to score another two goals, Im really doing George's head in, he's really trying but I've managed to accidentally injure two if his plays causing one of mine to get a red card so we are both down team players but by the time the end of the game comes he is really not winning. I cheer to myself when I do win trying not to wake everyone up in the house as it's a little late and I know my mum will tell me to go to sleep if she hears me up

"See I told you I'd beat your ass", he's sat on the other end of the screen looking like a petulant child because he didn't win , and if he didn't look so cute I'd be totally turned off right now so he's lucky

"Nah mate I swear you cheated, I demand a rematch" , he's also moved over to his desk for better setting and game play action.

"Sure but watch me just beat you again , one more game and then bed because it's late and we said we'd go to bed hours ago ?"

"Sounds good to me love"

We start up another game same teams as before just to keep it mutual, he manages to score within the first five minutes.he cheers to himself which makes me smile. I really have to show I mean business and I won't just let him win because he's cute, I tackle his defenders just before they get into my goal line and break way past his centre mid player passing it to my stricker and score and amazing goal. I swear if I could play this well in real life I could be a footballer. The second have breezes by 1 - 1 each not to bad but the second half we both up our anti he scored a few more times and i equalize there's two minutes of extra time which causes me to score my last one just before the game ends "fuck he's just in time"

"Fuck you man", he's smiling though and he looks like he had a good time, we're both calm and in a world of our own. Just at that my mum come into my room wearing her dressing gown and her glasses are at the end of her nose like she'd put them on hastily "Matty love it really is time you should be in bed , tell your friends your going offline now and try get some sleep okay you've got school" I turn in my chair and smile at her before she leaves "sorry mum"

George and I have a good little giggle about it but we know we do need to go to bed. So we turn the game off as we both get settle into bed. Placing my laptop onto my bed next to me and I watch him get back into his getting comfortable and trying to stay warm "I really do wish you were here Georgie". I smile then get comfortable myself

"Me too love , but let's try to sleep again yeh, time for shush now" he moves his hand up to the screen like he's trying to ruffle my hair "good night love"

I smile at his cheesy little action but feel those butterflies in my stomach that people say they get when they like someone "goodnight darlin" I turn off my bedside lamp and really fall asleep this time hoping I do have good dreams.

Part 24

Word count :2079

Mentions : just talking about codependency a lot in this chapter

George's POV

"Huh?", I totally didn't even register that I'd said what I'd said until I'd finished talking and now I look like a right idiot confessing how much I want him even though I've know him less than a week. What a knob I am, my mind is spiralling while he's just sat there with the biggest cheesiest grin and blushing

"You want me all to yourself, all you gotta do is ask Georgie", I looked up at him from where I was looking at my floor slight shock in my eyes I've barley know him a week as I've already said how do I as someone something like that he barley know me , I'm mental.

"Wh...eh...what do you mean love?", He might just be messing , hopefully , I'd get it , I understand why he'd be messing I have been kinda clingy, I have been all over him to just talk to me all the time maybe he's just trying to get me to back off , in's aging that everytime I think about him all I can hear is him telling his friend he likes me.

I watch him get comfortable on the floor and concentrate on what he's trying to say his mind already looks like it's racing "what I'm trying to say is um, I know we haven't know each other long, but like I feel this kind of like peace and tranquility when I'm around you and you keep me calm and I'm happy right, and people now a days are just striving to find happiness constantly looking for the pursuit of happiness and it's like if you not happy your wrong but that's not that case but either way you make me happy I don't have to pretend with you , I want you around , no , I need you around, so what I was trying to say is if you want me then you can have me, we don't have to label it as anything just yet, we can just talk and see where it goes", his hands flailing around as he's pulling his words together looking so animated "like it's nothing you have to force yanno just see where it goes and we can like , I don't know decide what we want to do at a later date if that's what you want", he lets out a big breath after ranting and shy smiles at me while picking at the skin around his nails.

It takes me a minute to process everything he just said and I lose myself in my thoughts until I hear slight movement on his side and jump out of my thoughts "if that's really what you'd like to do then I'd really love to give it a go but I don't want to put pressure on you" , There's no way he could be interested in me I'm not that amazing. "I really like you Matty".

"I really like you to Darlin , and I want to give this a go, I haven't properly tried with anyone in a long time, that's on me but I really want to try , and I need you to know that there will be times where I'm not talkative or might not wanna talk but please just bare with me when that does happen" , I'd give him anything he needs whenever he needs it so long as I always know how he's feeling and he communicates it with me.

"I promise I'll be what you need Matty", There's a smile adoring my face and my cheeks feel warm as shit and I can tell there blushing, his face mirrors mine on the other side. "Can I hear what you where writing ?", I start swaying on my chair. Swinging back and forth as he picks up his guitar from the floor and places the pick in his mouth again as he goes over the words on the paper

"It's not done yet but I'll show you what I have", he brings the pick down and begins to strum the guitar

"Now run,run away from the boys in the blue

Oh my car smells like chocolate

Hey now , I think about what to do

I Think about what to say

I Think about how to think

Pause it , play it , pause it , play it , pause it"

But every-time he says think it comes out more like fink and I swear it's the cutest thing ever. I'm in awe of him every-time I hear him play, hearing his voice a little crackly and raw is amazing.

"Oh , we go where nobody know

With guns hidden under out petticoats

No , where never gunna quit it

No , where never gunna quit it no"

He awkwardly placed the guitar down and pulls his jumper sleeve over his hands "that's all I have right now"

"It's kinda funky actually I really like it, any discourse behind it or just a vibe?" , he's searching me , I can see he's willing himself to talk his mouth opens a few times but no words come out, "you don't have to tell me"

"No, no....no..it's okay...it's about the night of the crash really...very losely based on what happened....it was quite cathartic writing it really", I just want to be there with him and watch him go through that writing process with him, write with him , make music with him, my room suddenly gets really cold again , I guess the heating is broken and they can't get it fixed yet. I pull my hoodie around me tightly and pull my hood up. "Are you alright darlin?".

"It's just cold in here is all, wish I could hold you, wish I could have you warming me up ?" , that's when my mind travels again, Imagine he was here with me right now, laying with me on top of my grey duvet, cuddled up together watching a movie or playing video game. Just melting into one another.

"Do you want a hug", he stretched out his arms towards me from his side of the screen as if to pull me into a hug and it just melted my brain.

"Love if I could possibly even touch you right now you wouldn't even have to ask" , I'm a stage four clinger the minute he's in my presence I don't know if I'd ever let go. "But yes love to answer your question I'd love a hug right about now"

I can see Matty looking around his room then he basically jumps up from his spot on the floor exiting the screen for a second but comes back with a really fluffy cardigan "I should send you this ay, because then you'd be warm and feel like your getting hugs at the same time and a bonus it smells like me, all the best things really" , I can see him holding it tightly and I can tell it means a lot to him even though it's just a cardigan.

"You don't have to do that if you don't want to you know" , I can feel myself blushing again, this is going to be a very common occurrence when I'm around him "it does look cozy though"

"I want to give it to you though" , I can't get over how  beautiful he is right now, he looks so small in his room, the juxtaposition between his tiny body against the high walls.

"If that's what you want handsome, hey sorry but back to the song, em do you mind telling me about Janey, just so I know how to help you when you get bad, if I know about how you guys where and stuff I might be able to help” , I know this is really out of the blue but I’ve just really thought about it the last few days that telling me about her might give me better understanding on how to help him when he gets into his head.

“W…w..why?”

“Sorry that was stupid of me , you don’t have to, I uh just thought that, if I know how things were between you two I might be able to help you better when your in your head” , I begin to panic a little as I don’t want him to think I’m prying or deliberately trying to hurt him by asking about something that upsets him but if he can talk about her it might help.

“No no darlin , it’s okay, it just caught me off guard a little that’s all, we were very codependent with one another from like a really really young age, for the longest time we thought we were brother and sister , because her mum was friends with my mum and dad , so she’d be round most days we went to the same nursery , grew up with each other, one year she went to Tenerife when we where about 8 or 9 I swear those ten days where the worst days of my life, cried every single day asking my mum how many days till she’s home , the night she got back, I begged my mum to ask if she could come sleep over which she did” , he’s smiling and looks so happy talking about her , he still has his sleeves draped over his hands and he’s curled himself inwards so he’s holding his knees to his chest, I wish I could be there to lend a supporting hand, but for now all I can do is listen.

“As we got older, we were still joined at the hip, couldn’t have one without the other really but things happened with her , her mum left when she was 11 and her dad basically turned into a drunk more or less , then she kinda turned into a little rebel herself but I wouldn’t let her do anything by herself so if she got I trouble we’d both get in trouble , blood bonds and all that” , I could see him get up from his position on the floor and set himself up at his desk .

“Sorry it was getting uncomfortable down there , anyway , yeh I’d have done anything for her , she was the best thing to ever happen in my life you know , I was always trying to impress her , I know she’d never like me that way cuz she liked girls which is also another reason that when we dated it didn’t last long , but she was always so beautiful and I always wanted to be around her, so when she was drinking , I was drinking , when she was smoking , I was too , and the same when it came to coke”

“I always just wanted to keep her safe , so if she was getting high I was gunna get high with her , didn’t want her doing it alone , wanted to protect her because I know what guys where like and what they’d be thinking so I wanted to be there all the time when she was getting high so she was safe, we used to only get high at parties but then it happened more often to get us through school , or get us through work and it got really bad and people started noticing so we tried to stop , the last party we were at we both tried not to but people kept offering us and we could say no and that’s when it all went to shit really “

“Cuz uh , yeh um , we went to this party down the road…” as he’s trying to finish the story I can see him rise from his chair and start pacing around while trying to find his words hands racking together. So I let out a .

“Matty my love , it’s okay , if this is to hard , we can talk about this another time if it’s to tricky”, I’m trying to get him to hear me but he’s pacing and not paying much attention to me “Matty ?, darlin?, MATTHEW ?” , he pauses his movement and looks at me his eyes slightly glasses. “My love come sit down please , I’m sorry I didn’t mean to ask , it’s too hard for you too talk about right now”

As he sits down his head is in his hands again and I can hear slight sniffling on his end “Matty I’m sorry , I didn’t mean too”, he looks up at me and gives me a half-hearted smile.

“It’s okay darling, it’s not your fault, I just miss her like I’m missing part of me”

Can someone please explain to me how 6 out of the last 8 days I’ve gotten drunk but I’m not dead yet

Chapter 11

Word count :3411

Mention of weed , mention of death worry and anxiety

The next few chapters are a little deep and angsty so I hope that’s okay I’d also like to mention it might be more enthralling to read this while listening to lost my head or 102

George's POV

(Starts off not long after he sent matty the snap)

I spent the last few hours of school just stressing over what I'd said , it was stupid he's going to think I'm so weird, I'll talk to Adam and Carly about it later one because I don't really know why I never think before I do things it's an impulse thing I guess.

My classes go over in a blur, I don't think I really do any work in any of them. I just spent a lot of time thinking. Adam or Carly aren't in any of my last classes so I message Adam just to let him know I need some advice

"Hey Ad...need some advice bro, gotta talk after"

Adam won't be in his phone he's a nerd but I take the chance anyway because at least he'll know when we leave that I need to talk to him.

When the belle for the end of school comes around I'm waiting outside of Joel's class to walk down too Adams. Carly and Adam like to have time alone on there walks back so it's just Joel and I till then maybe Joel will help a little

"Hey Joe ? Can I ask you something". I'd usually just come right out with it but this seems too difficult to even understand.

"What's up G" , he's not paying much attention he's typing away on his phone like usual, he's always trying to impress some boy no matter what time of day off even whenever he's met them.

"We'll you know , have you ever felt an instant attraction to someone". Even asking it sound bloody stupid but I've said it now so no going back now "like even without knowing them?"

"What do you mean?, like are you talking about one night stands or what?", Joel isn't one for relationships I think he just has a guy a few times and there never seen again

"Joe be serious for a minute not everything is about sex". That is the complete opposite of what most boys my age would say but I need a good talk right now.

"Alright fine , think about it right if your really think you might like the guy and you get fuzzy and cute with them does it really matter how long you've know them?"

"Time doesn't matter me no , but what about if you don't know anything about em". It's never me talking about wanting someone , it's usually Joel fawning over one guy or the next so this situation feels forgein to me

"Just go for it G , learn about him". Joel goes back to his phone he's not a big talker really, if I texted him this whole conversation sure he'd write a bloody novel but when it comes to talking absolutely not.

"Alright fine, thanks" . Adams house is about five minutes from school so we just walk in when we arrive, we've done that since 11 no one stops us. We shout hi to his dad and make our way into his room. He's got a basement room you know like all the kids do in the movies.

"Yo guys", I wave over to Adam and Carly sat on Adam’s bed I then made my way over to the beanbag in the corner and drop my bag beside me and take out my phone for the first time in like three hours I see I have a snap from Matty and I open it immediately gasping and I feel my face flush "nah" , looking around the room I see no one is looking at me there all talking to each other "there's no way"

Shortly after having been staring at the screen for like five minutes the snap long gone I feel a dip in the beanbag , tearing my eyes away from my phone I look up and Carly is sat right next to me

"You doing alright there G, you look like you've just seen a ghost", we all love Carly she's very observant I understand why Adam chased her for years.

"Want the long story or short?", I look at her to judge her reaction , I can't always tell how people will react to what I say.

"Whatever story you want", she taps my knee , it's a comfort thing and she's looking right at me already paying far more attention than Joel did

"Obviously you know about Matty, well earlier we were messing around and I said he was fit and I thought he took offence to it or at least that it made him feel weird but he just told me that apparently I'm fit too , I don't know how to take that", trying not to look at her I pick a spot in the wall and just stare into hoping to glare a whole into it.

"Did you like it?"

"Yeh it felt good but as I've said we know nothing about each other, I'm crazy", the other have tuned in slightly to the conversation and are just giggling at me.

"George you may be crazy but any geezer would be lucky to ave ya mate", Adam chimes in this time, "and really what have you got to lose , I chased Carly for years , just go for it what's the worst that could happen?"

"Thanks guys", picking up Adams Xbox remote I realise why we were here in the first place "so smokes and games yeh!?"

They all agree ecstatically as we all discuss what game we want to play, this is always what takes the longest, what we play it usually ends up with us not even playing and watching a movie instead. Which is exactly what happens this time. We argue over game play for what feels like forever until Carly pipes up and suggest we watch a movie instead, we opt for "Legend". STELLER choice , a movie about real life London gangsters in the 80s it's amazing. We smoke quite a lot too, giddy and hoped up on the day I feel at home and comfortable after a while his mum comes down and gives us some pizza "just take your time with that yeh , I don't want any injuries like last time please lovies", She's referring to the last time I was here we spent the night just drinking and smoking and playing stupid games. There were a few others there so it wasn't as weird but there was one point we're I went to go to take a leak and I lost my balance and broke my wrist falling down the short flight of stairs , It was genuinely really funny. We get caught up in our time just so engrossed by the movie that when it ends we're all high as kites , Carly curled up in Adams lap on the bed , Joel and I on the beanbag wrapped up in one another my hands playing with his hair, we're all best mates and they don't find it weird that Joel and I are still close. Adam has a theory that Joel misses being with me but I think it's just how we are. Once it's all over Adams dad offers to drive me home since it's about 8 o'clock not that late nothing is that wild but I take him up on the offer so I'm home and can talk to Matty, I say goodbye to them all giving them a quick hug and thanking them all again.

I get dropped of by Adams dad around 8:15, walking in the house is strangely still very lively my dad has a few friends over and my mother is cooking for them all and my sisters and playing with my dads friends kids, so before I disappear to my room I say hello to them all as not to be rude and go to see what my mum is cooking. I take some juice out the fridge and pour myself a glass

"Hiya, do you want a hand with that mum?"

"It's alright love, how was your day ?". Always the first thing a parents ask when you get home later than they expected from school.

"It was great , school was school and then we all went round Hanns for dinner", I really hope I don't smell to much of weed but knowing my luck it's well obvious anyway

"Just dinner ?", I'm sure she's trying to get me to tell her we smoked but she'll just lecture me again and I really don't want that right now , I'm in a good way right now a lecture will just ruin that.

"Dinner and a movies that's all Mum", before she has the time to question me more I kiss her cheek and say goodbye making my way upstairs, two steps at a time. The house is a little warmer than I'm used to so I strip my jacket and jumper and quickly change into a hoodie and a pair of Nike shorts, after closing my door and getting my laptop ready, this is all I've wanted to do all day. Just hearing his voice will make me happier than I already am , I send him a quick "hey , I know I've been quite quiet for the last few hours but I'm ready to call if your still down" , while waiting for a reply I pull up YouTube on my laptop and look through YouTube for something to watch to hold my attention while I wait for Matty to reply. I'm half way through a Cam Kirkham video when I hear the reply come from my phone and small message from matty "I hope you had a good day darlin, I'll be ready in five minutes just gotta change x"

I'll let him call me when he's ready so I don't interrupt him, but like he said five minutes later the calling alert comes through my laptop and I accept straight away and wait for his face to appear

"Hey there love", Seeing Matty on my screen just close enough to touch makes me feel lighter than a feather, he looks so cute right now I can just make out that's he's wearing a really fluffy jumper and he's wrapped up in a tiny blanket "you look so cozy there"

"Hey Darlin, it's like I was sat in a solid block of ice all night since I got home but I was doing homework and putting some music together , didn't give myself a minute to change", he laughed after he said but it sounded a bit strained

"How are you doing , like really, like after your class today we didn’t talk much after that." I swear if I could just reach out and touch the screen and swipe that hair out of his face so I could see his eyes I'd do that right now.

"I'm okay, I was a little stressed out after class but I got some time alone so I've been alright, I spoke to Miss Conner's more and spoke a lot more about how I'm feeling , I also started putting together a song I was writing and im so happy about how it's going so im feeling quite okay right now", That was a lot in one go I hope he's not trying to keep it all in and trying to keep me happy

"Can you promise me?", I know that's a really tough thing to promise but I hope he knows he doesn't always have to be okay

"Right now yes I can promise I'm doing alright , just a little drained but I'm okay", He's smiling now and oh my god I can't get enough of that face "I can't promise I'll be okay all the time but right I'm alright, everything is calm my brain is settled and I feel less buzzy"

I'm smiling at his response I hope I can always see him like this , I know full well it won't always be that way like he said but calm Matty is gorgeous,

"Can I show you the track now , feel free to add lyrics to it if you feel like you can!"

"Yes I'd love too", I see him sit up at this , his whole demeanour changes and he looks much more alive then I've seen him since we met "let me hear it!!!"

I rummage around in my pocket looking around for my phone pulling it out , I find the app I've been using and start the track “it's like 5 minutes long so be prepared , I hope you understand the ambiance"

I can see him actually come alive and he's really listening like really listening to it, he's feeling it I can tell, It can be complicated to understand this type of music if your not used it but I know he understands, he knows how he as a person has been feeling and really it's a direct ambiance of that. The track is just playing around my room and it's bringing me so much joy that someone else is hearing it for the first time and enjoying it as much as I do , he's nodding  along like he's actually thinking of lyrics , smiling when he hears a bit he likes. It finishes not long after "So....?"

"George that's fuckin epic....your a legend". This man is 100% gunna be my death but I thank him and ask him if he understand where it's coming from and how I felt when making it.

"It's deep, to begin with it's eary and complex, it's like a story of someone's mentality in my mind someone starts off scared and uncertain juxtaposed with the ending we're they find that happiness and joy in the end", he's seated cross legged on his bed looking like a little kid in the assembly hall , looking smaller than he already seems "I don't think it needs much lyrics either the story is told for itself"

"Thank you honestly , your the first person to hear it so the fact you understand it and like it , is amazing" , I finally flash a smile properly in his direction and I can feel myself blushing like an absolute freak but I can't help it , it's him, he does these things to me "so the lyrics you write do you have any examples you can show me ?"

"Do you really want to hear something I've done ?" , he seems genuinely surprised at this , he immediately jumps up from the bed abandoning the blanket and comes back holding a guitar and guitar pick in between his teeth "I uh this is one of the songs I wrote about Janey before she passed I've wrote at least three for her this was the only one she heard"

He picked up the guitar properly and the cord started filling the room invading my brain in a way I never thought would affect me then he starts singing

"Well we're here , we're at the common again", his voice is so raw and emotional even just the first line , a little messy but amazing all the same "smoked six of the ten fags I only bought an hour ago", of course , the smoker in me understand that a little too much , nervousness and all "she said well ....I like the look of your shoes ....I like the way that your face looks when I'm arguing with you" , this makes me smile because that's always a funny thing, playful arguing with the person you love they always try to be angry but you just can't there face is just the most amazing thing.

He plays for a little longer , the emotion that he's showing while playing is really starting to show, tears rolling down his face as he plays "But on this shirt...Well I found your smell... I just sat there for ages...Contemplating what to do with myself" , man he must be heartbroken right now , I can't say I really understand everything that he's going through but losing any of my friends would honestly ruin me. As he finishes the quiver in his voice becomes more prominent after he places the guitar down on the bed he lets the tears fall wiping them violently from his face, sniffling he brings his hands to his face crying into them

"Matty love, that was so beautiful" , I didn't get a response for a while I don't really expect to either I just needed him to know that I was amazing. "You so talented I swear"

He's sat crying for another five minutes but it was the most heart wrenching five minutes I've felt in a while, I just want to take all his pain away. He disappears after a while presumably to clean himself up, but when he does come back he has a joint in one hand and a mug of what I guess is coffee in the other.

"Sorry, I haven't sang that in a while , I forgot that it did that to me", He ignites his joint taking a deep inhaled drag swiftly followed by a big sip of coffee and he makes as face as the two tastes mix "Shit"

"You don't have to apologise it was an amazing piece, well done to you, you really did feel deeply for her ",Here I go probably putting my foot in my mouth but hey ho.

"I did, like so much G", Another long drag of the joint comes again , his looking a lot redder then normal, and like I know that he's smoking and been crying but I've seen both there never usually this red.

"Are you okay Matty, your eyes look really red", He's looking at me but it really looking you know its like no-one is home, the lights aren't even on, he's so spaced. "Like more than I've seen in you before"

"Yeah I'm fine, they don't feel any different, I'm maybe just high", It seems a little odd, and I'm not loving the feeling my stomach is guessing so I don't want to push my luck.

"I'll be grand soon enough G don't worry", he lays down and places his laptop next to him "its just been a busy day , I'm just a little tired"

i let him rest for a bit were basically sat there for what I want to say was 20 minutes at least I know for a fact he's never been quiet for for this long, I've just been fidgeting with my hands the whole time but he's been lying there staring at the ceiling with his hands resting on his stomach and i soon hear him mumbling to himself i cant quite make it out

"Sorry love?, what was that?"

"I was just playing with some lyrics for your track , I don't think it should be too much said maybe just a little something"

"Oh what were you thinking", I sit upright again fully paying attention to him not that he can see because he's so far in space he's on bloody Venus, I don't really know what's going on with him but its alright for now

"and he said I've lost my head, can you see it? , can you see it?, and then maybe a few line's after that then repeat, simple but it gets the message across.

"That is amazing, maybe the bit after that can be something about how you feel when your out of your depth",

"well if that's what you really want and really do like it maybe it could be , Bellyaches when you in bed can you feel it can you feel it?, i always have a stomach ache when I'm feeling uncertain and lost"

"That's beautiful, but do you really feel like that, like your losing everything in you other than the pain?"

He throws his eyes in the direction of the screen, then back to the ceiling ,sitting up quickly

"yes , all the time" I see him shift to the edge of the bed and his hand is covering his eyes and he looks a little wobbly "Sorry I just got really dizzy, can I call you back". before I have time to reply i see the swiftest movement of ending the call and slightly running off.

"Okay"