Genuine Fanfiction Question

“Falling for you” is starting to hit different rn

Chapter 2 of menswear

3 hours later

“Lads where actually shite today, what’s up with that “ , we’d been sat in the rehearsal shed for literally only half an hour, Ross and Adam had gotten far to engrossed in the game we were playing so the promise of waking Matty up in the next hour never came to fruition but now, we’d all been bundle into the rehearsal shed and not being doing great.

“I’m just shattered guys, I’m sorry I know that’s no excuse, you guys were good, it’s me, just can’t seem to concentrate today” ,It wasn’t just Matty really , Ross and I weren’t staying on beat together, Adam even messed up a few cords. We were all messing up.

“Why don’t we just call it a night, go in have a cuppa, see if we can wake ourselves up a bit, if not we can just have dinner or something and Ross and I will go home and we can try again after school tomorrow, I have to be home by 9 anyway I’ve got work in the morning.” , to think the rest of us are still in school and Adam is like a fully fledged adult with a job and everything is such a weird thought to me.

We all put our instruments down, Ross and Adam made their way outside but Matty just parked himself on the couch in the corner “you comin!?”.

“Gimmie a sec yeh?”, I heard him groan from the other-side of the room it was only quiet it could have been missable If I wasn’t paying attention and the heels of his hands where digging into his eyes. So I walked back over and sat myself next to him and tried to slowly pull at least one hand away.

“What’s wrong!”

“Headache”

I softly get him to lay down his head in my lap and card my fingers through his hair softly. “Why ?, you only get headaches when your stressed”, his hands were still pushing into his eyes so I pulled them away again. “That’s not going to help”.

“I think I’m just scared that when my voice starts changing that I won’t be able to sing anymore and I’ll lose all of this that we have and I’m not me without it but on the other hand I’m also scared that even though I’ve only had one shot things won’t change and I’ll just be like this forever and I’m scared”, he rolled over onto his side wrapping his arms around my waist awkwardly, resting his head on my stomach.

“You’re always going to have this, we’re always going to be here. Do you think that we’ll just go if you “can’t sing anymore”” , I raise my hands and add quote marks around what I said. “You’re always going to be able to sing in my opinion, it’s going to sound different, yes , but it’s still going to be amazing”. I bring my hands down to rub at his back softly. “And as for the other thing, your already such an amazing man right, and things will be sooo good for you once you start noticing the changes for yourself, you won’t notice it yourself straight away but there will be so many things that will change, and I’ll be sure to let you know everytime I notice something, how bad is your head feeling?”

“It hurts real bad , like it’s making everything hurt and I feel nauseous”

“Can you stand up for me, we’ll get you inside to bed and I’ll make sure Ross and Adam get home” , I feel him shake his head slightly against my stomach while I’m still carding my hands through his hair. “No you can’t stand up ?”

“Can we just sit for a minute if I try get up, I’ll throw up”, I relax back on the sofa and pull Matty closer to me so he could get some body heat from me, I could feel him shivering against me. The silence in the room was comforting, but also slightly eerie , Matty was rarely quiet these days. Since I met him actually, he’s always been a whirlwind of emotional rants and nonsense. When he did go quiet it was always weird for me.

We sat there for a while the sun had started to go down, it was getting colder in the shed and I could faintly hear the rain beating down on the top of the roof not hard just sprinkling. Matty’s breathing had calmed down and I think he’d fallen asleep again. He must be getting sick. My phone vibrated in my back pocket, I had to manoeuvre myself to get it out and not wake Matty in the process.

Adam: where did you guys go, we thought you where behind us you’ve been gone like 30 minutes?? , Are you alright ??

George : Matty isn’t feeling to great, he wanted to sit for a while to calm himself down but he fell asleep :)

Adam : do you want be to bring anything out ??

George: maybe just a brew for us and if you can find a jacket for Matty that would be helpful, it’s freezing out here.

Adam : alright lad, let me just get them ready I’ll be back out in a bit.

I put my phone on the arm of the sofa and began to card me hand through Matty’s hair again softly fixing the knots that had accumulated throughout the day. Since moving head when I was 11 the lads have always been a constant in my life making me feel like I belonged for the first time every but my connection with Matty was the strongest from the start, we just clicked so fast and nothing tore us apart, no matter how hard they tried. Not even my dad who hated Matty but for the life of me couldn’t tell me why.

Summer holidays 2004

“George where are you off too now, you’ve been home at most 3 hours and your off out again, can’t you stay at home even just for one day” , I was on my way back to Matty’s , I was really just home to collect more clothes and extra games that I’d left behind, it was the second last week of the summer holidays and I had spend the majority of the holidays at Matty’s. My dad had stopped me in the hallway while I was putting my shoes back on, he wasn’t impressed that I’d come home played with my sisters for a little while and now I’m leaving again. “We don’t even know what you’ve gotten up to all summer break, most likely up to no good with that young man ”

“You know what I’ve been doing, I’ve been at Matty’s”, we were 13 and 14 there wasn’t much really that we could be getting up to really, playing video games, staying up late watching movies , listening to music and annoying Matty’s parents and looking after Louis , Matty’s new born brother. As well as learning how to play our instruments that we’d began playing. “We haven’t really been up to anything”

“I’d like you to call that boy and tell him that your staying at home for a little while , to spend time with your family” I opened my mouth and closed it again a few times trying to think up and argument but there was really no point once my dad had a notion in his head there was no stopping him. “Now please George”. I dropped my shoe that was in my hand back onto the ground and kicked my other one off and stormed past my dad. “And less of the attitude please”

“There is no attitude” I muttered under my breath as I picked up the phone and started dialling Matty’s number.

“Sorry what was that ?”, I knew he’d hear me even if I’d whispered it, I’d just gotten myself in to a whole new ocean of bother now.

“Nothing dad” , the phone rang through a few times before Denise picked up the phone.

“Hello”

“Hiya Denise, is Matty still around?”

“Yes my love he’s still upstairs, would you like to get him for you?” , I could hear tiny noises on the other side of the phone, Denise probably had Louis sat on her hips while she was making dinner for everyone.

“If it’s not to much hassle yes please”, I heard her call Matty, loud as anything, I also heard Matty bouldering down the stairs and most likely trip over the last one like he does every single time. As Denise told him to mind his language in-front of his brother and the phone was passed over.

“Hiya lad, how long you going be, I’m setting up the 64 on the big TV?”

“Eh my dad said says I’ve gotta stay home for a bit”

“Bollocks , why!?”

“I don’t know, cuz he’s being a fuckin arsehole , and apparently I’ve got to spend time with the family and he doesn’t know what I’m up too and thinks we’re up to no good” , I rolled my eyes as I heard myself say it, and Matty was causing a commotion on the other side of the phone. Making the biggest fuss as per usual. “Matty mate it’s okay , don’t stress , I’ll just annoy them enough that they won’t me here”

“Do you think my Mum could just talk to your dad about it and maybe you could come back”

“My dads already made his mind up lad , but hopefully I’ll be back over soon, I’m sorry”

“I guess I’ll see you later then, how soon ?”

“I don’t know lad but I’ll try okay ? , I’m sorry “

“Don’t apologise your dads just being an ass , I love you lad okay , I’ll see you later, miss ya already”

“Love and already miss ya too , bye”, I hung up the phone not to long after and shoved it back in the holder.

That was one of the worst weeks of the summer holiday in particular because I wasn’t allowed back over for the whole week. ugh.

I don’t even go home unless my dads away now a days after a few more years of arguing over it.

Back to present

Adam came back out with Matty’s fluffy hoodie and a few cups of tea plonking himself infront of the sofa after placing them down on the table. “Do you want me to help you carry him in ?” , I whispered a thanks and tried to shake Matty awake softly. He startled awake and slowly rubbed his eyes

“Let’s put your jacket on yeh , and have a cup of tea” , I helped him sit up and put his jacket on for him, he then cuddled up next to me and rested his head on my shoulder. “Thank Hann for that he made it for you”

“Thank you Adam”, Matty stretched out and gave Adam hair a ruffle and slowly dipped on his tea. “How long was I asleep for, I didn’t even know I fell asleep”, he said through a yawn.

“Little over half an hour I think, we’ll finish up here and get you inside”. I put my arm around his shoulder to steady him a little as we chatted while we drank out tea.

“I still feel like shit lads”, Matty tried to stand himself up but stumbled and fell back onto the couch, So Adam and I helped him pull himself up and wrapped out arms around him and helped him walk to the house.

“I’ll go get Ross and we can get going and I’ll let you look after him okay ?, keep me updated alright, and if you need anything call me, I know his mum and dad are here but just let me know” , Adam made his way through to the kitchen collecting all of his thing and informed Ross about what’s going , I watched them both leaving shouting goodbye to each other. Then Matty and I carefully made our way to his room. But before I could totally get him to his room he stumbled into the bathroom and threw up.

“You alright love ?”, making my way inside next to him and rubbed his back until he stopped and managed to calm down a bit. “Your really not having a good day today are ya”

I didn’t really get a reply from him other than a simple grunt and a shake of his head. “It’s shit”. He smiled though and we laughed together sat on the floor of the bathroom together until we calmed down basically where he started our day

Backstage At Your Show

Matty x Reader

Warning: Smut (Mutual masturbation, voyeurism, public sex? cumplay, dom-reader, and subby Matty)

WC: 3.2K

Summary: You catch Matty in the act backstage at his show.

Masterlist

Matty and the guys had no clue that you would be attending their first-ever arena show. You could hardly contain your excitement for them, having worked so fucking hard to get to this point. Everything felt surreal; you couldn't believe that they were performing on such a large stage and for a sold-out crowd at that. You felt so proud of all of them.

To Matty's knowledge, you wouldn’t be here for another eight days for Christmas Eve, and he was missing you like fucking crazy. As sadistic as it may sound, it made you feel good knowing he was going crazy without you. 

The arena appears in sight as the driver whips the car into its parking spot. You clutch your suitcase tightly and wave a silent goodbye before they pull away. The cold air bites against your body, and the sheer top you’re wearing does little to hide the goosebumps littering your skin. 

You wanted to look hot for Matty, but now you fucking regret not bringing a jacket. The queue of fans lined up outside the arena stretches on for what feels like miles, but you make your way through them, stopping to take pictures with them before Mark rushes outside to get you.

"C'mon, love." Mark grabs your suitcase and leads you through the front entrance, "How was your flight?"

You smile at Mark as you make your way backstage, trying not to bump into people doing last-minute preparations for the show. "God, it was exhausting! I forgot how much I hate traveling during the holidays. Just a nightmare."

Mark chuckles. "Well, you made it just in time. Matty's been moaning about you not texting him all day, you know. He's been driving everyone mad. Hann sent him back to the dressing room because he couldn't take his complaining anymore."

You laugh at Mark's words, imagining Matty pacing around the room, fidgeting with his clothes, and checking his phone every two seconds. It was cute, really, how much he cared about you, but you couldn't help but tease him a little. "I spoke to him this morning! He's just being dramatic, as usual."

Mark chuckles again, shaking his head. "You know how he is."

"Oh, trust me, I do. They definitely need to pay you more for always dealing with his shit." You joke, giving Mark a playful nudge as he leads you towards the dressing room.

Mark laughs, "I keep telling him that. I'll take your suitcase to the bus. The guys are doing the soundcheck without him. Just go down this hall, and it's the last door on the left."

You give a curt nod of thanks to Mark before hastily making your way down the damp-smelling hallway. Eyes focused on finding a head of curly hair. There’s a hum of music playing, growing louder and louder as you approach the door at the end of the hall. The door is barely cracked, but it’s enough for you to see where you’re stepping and to make sure you don’t bump into anything.

The music grows as you stalk further into the back of the O2 dressing room, and you can see the silhouette of a shadow break against the adjacent wall.

A smile breaks across your face at managing to perfect the surprise. Matty would be none the wiser, completely taken aback and shocked. You could practically see the way his eyes would crinkle at the sight of you.

Matty’s back is facing you as he lounges on the chase situated in the middle of the room. The music you had heard is playing on the speaker in front of him, and you are about to walk behind him, jumping into his arms when something catches your attention.

You can't help but pause when you see how his black suit hugs his shoulders, stretching with every tense movement. And it's the subtle sheen on his skin that catches your eye.

Your mouth runs dry as his head lulls back, his mouth parted in silent ecstasy, and his eyes clenched tightly in awe.

“Fuuuck,” he moans to himself, and the grit of his voice has your legs squeezing together, “god–yes.” His shoulders move more intensely, and your eyes are drawn to the glimmer of his many rings, shining with each pump of his hand. And it has you walking closer to the back of the chase.

You dragged your index finger across his body, from one shoulder to the other, going over the highs and lows of soft fabric agonizingly slow. He jumps in surprise and spins around quickly, in utter shock. You have to stop yourself from screaming when you notice the black eyeshadow and liner around his eyes, making his brown eyes pop even more than usual.

He is a vision of beauty. His black suit jacket clung to his body like a second skin, displaying the white dress shirt beneath it in all its crisp glory. The black necktie added a touch of sophistication. Tight-fitting jet-black jeans unbuttoned and hung low on his waist, exposing a dark dusting of hair above his hard cock that was leaking precum at the slit.

He looks like a fucking gothic god.

His eyes, even though wide with confusion, are teetering on the edge of ecstasy as he takes you in.

“Hi, baby.” You purr, letting your eyes wander down the expanse of his body. His entire body tenses, and you shake your head slowly, “why did you stop? I’m enjoying the show.” 

Matty knows that tone of your voice. He dreams about it, makes himself cum to the memory of it. As you circle around the chase, he grows comfortable on the cushions. Palming his dick, he lets you watch as he slowly rubs the length of his cock up and down. “That’s a good boy.” You praise, and you can see the light grow in his eyes.

Sitting opposite of him on the oversized chair, you part your legs in front of him. The skirt you’re wearing rides up your thighs, and his breath catches in his throat at the sight of your bare pussy through your stockings.

Hey, you wanted him to have easy access. You knew how this night was gonna end anyway, and you wanted to make it easier for the both of you. So, you took off your underwear in the airport bathroom.

“What were you thinking about, baby boy?” You ask, and Matty's mouth hangs open slightly as a moan rips through his throat at the pet name. You smile knowingly at him, and his cheeks are tinged red, and you can tell he’s embarrassed by it.

It's fucking hot. You loved it when he had that innocent look on his face when he’s completely lost in his thoughts and didn’t realize what he was doing. God, you just want to eat him up.

His eyes follow every movement as you let your hand dance down the length of your abdomen, teasingly inching its way under your skirt and up the insides of your thigh. “Was it me?” You purr, tearing away the flimsy stocking with your nails, exposing your glistening and ready cunt.

Matty nods, fist tightens around his cock. “I missed you so fuckin’ much, baby.” He moans, pausing the slight lifting of his hips as you circle your fingertip over your already sensitive clit. The moment you stop, he’s staring back at your face, “No, please.” He begs, pumping himself again–quicker, more desperate, “Don’t stop.” 

Your pussy clenches in anticipation, yearning for the stretch of his cock inside of you. “Were you thinking about how I’d ride you right there where you’re sitting if I had been here?” You push further, and his lips part.

He shakes his head feverishly, stumbling over his own movements as you stand and start walking towards him. Matty quickly pulls down his jeans to his lower thighs before palming his dick. The hand he had wrapped around his dick only a second ago slips under the mesh shirt you’re wearing and pulls you closer to his chest.

“What do you want, baby boy?” You ask, biting your own lip to stop the moan as you feel his dick glide against your already swollen clit, his hips involuntarily bucking up as he tries his best to form a coherent sentence.

“Anything. Fuckin' anything.” Matty answers immediately, pressing his lips to your neck, right below your ear. “Just need you.” He mumbles against your skin.

Reaching between the two of you, you take his cock in your hand and stroke teasingly over the length, and you watch as his breathing accelerates. "I heard you were driving everyone crazy today," He choked on a breath as you swiped a thumb over the tip of his cock, smearing the precum over him. Your legs shake as he moans your name lowly and deeply, the sound coming from his chest. "So, maybe don't you deserve anything."

"N-no, please. I do! I do, I do, I do." Matty babbles in a rush, mouth dry and stuttering over his words. His fingers bite into your skin, and he raises his hips once more, attempting to bury himself inside of you.

“Not yet.” You demand, forcing his eyes on you. He looks completely desperate, pupils blown, cheeks red, and slightly sweaty curls falling on his forehead. “You don’t get to fuck me until I say so, do you understand?”

Matty nods and lets his head fall back against the edge of the chase. He loosens his grip, letting you rock your bare pussy over his cock slowly. You can see how hard he’s fighting the urge to push up inside of you. His jaw is locked, his brows pinched together tightly, and to be honest, you were nearly coming undone as well. With every roll, the head of his dick was brushing against your clit, and the precum mixed with your own wetness, aiding in the ease of gliding against one another.

"Wanna make that pretty makeup run down your checks, hmm? Would you like that?" You taunt, as his eyes widen with anticipation. He nods frantically but fails to form a single word. "I want to see you cum all over yourself before I let you fuck me."

Matty almost chokes on his breath, and his hips shoot up into you, the length of his cock twitching against your clit. His black-lined eyes had become glassy; whether it was from the sight of you or the sensations you were inflicting on him, you couldn't tell.

But you can't be bothered by it because he looks so fucking gorgeous, and he doesn't even know it. You almost forgot what you were doing. Almost. But not quite.

"Such a good boy." You purr, picking up the pace once more.

Matty's hips were thrashing in tandem with yours, his knuckles white and his cries more frenzied. Your breath came in heavy gasps as the tension between you increased. You tangled your fingers in Matty's now-soaked hair, pulling him close as you writhed together. Each hip thrust made the knot in your stomach tighten, sending shivers up your spine.

Your breaths are shared with one another: open mouths and heaving chests. In a frenzy, Matty is ripping the shirt over your head and unclasping your bra with one hand, just leaving you in stockings and a skirt. Letting his other hand roam your body. His chest presses against yours, his lips ghosting over your collarbone and down your chest, sucking at your peaked nipples.

“Fuck, baby.” He moans as you pull your skirt around your waist and angle your hips and roll harder against his cock. “You’re gonna make me cum.”

You can see him shake, trying to stave off an orgasm. But you can also see how much he wanted it. How desperately he wanted to cum, to spray all over you, to feel the relief of it gushing out of him.

You loved doing this to him.

“Do it.” You command, gripping his hair, and his eyes go wide. “Fucking do it.” You repeat. Matty’s mouth falls open, his brows high on his forehead before his head falls back against the seat, his hips jerking erratically as he orgasms. You watch as pearly white jets of cum erupt over your boyfriend's still-clothed chest. You can feel him tense beneath you as his orgasm hits and rattles through his body.

He looks at you like he’s never seen you before. And in a way, he hasn't. High on the feeling of his release, he looks at you like he’d never be able to get enough. Like he wanted you to stay just like this, forever.

“You're so fucking beautiful.” Matty whispers, buried in your neck. In any other situation, you would've melted at his words, but the only thing you can think about is wanting to see black streaks running down his face and onto his—now cum covered shirt.

Without a second thought, you tighten the grip you have on his hair and force his eyes on you. The pain surges through his scalp, and he hisses out, but you can feel the pulse of his dick when you do it.

“You’re my little whore–aren’t you?” You question, reaching down between you two, lining him with your entrance and sinking down in one swift motion. Matty moans, almost choking on his spit. Still extremely sensitive from his orgasm not even a second ago. “F-fuck, god–yes, I’m your whore, baby.” Matty whines.

You lean back, hands resting on his knees, pushing your hips down onto him roughly. With your cunt exposed, Matty's eyes can't help but fall to where your bodies meet, watching as his cock slides into your pulsing cunt.

Matty glances up at you through the hair falling over his forehead, and you notice tears starting to form as his hands find your hips, trying to slow your movements. "Please, pleassse! I can't anymore–" He whimpers, sliding his hands to your ass, squeezing it painfully.

"Look at you—shit," Another rough drop of your hips, "a withering fuckin' mess because of me." You chuckle lowly, fighting back the moan as you feel his hips come off the couch, trying to match your speed.

Matty's eyes snap to yours, and his mouth opens, assumingly to respond with some witty comment, but you rut yourself back onto him, bottoming out to the hilt, and Matty's words are cut off with a loud moan.

“Yes, baby, that’s it, fuckin’ give it to me. Fuck my little pussy and make me cum.” You yell, grinding down onto him hard.

Matty’s hips shoot up, his dick twitching inside of you, and you can see him bite his lip hard enough to draw blood. "Oh, god, please." Matty nearly begs, hands griping your ass even tighter, his head to drop back against the chase, exposing his neck. "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You’re so good." He moans, trying to restrain his voice.

"I wanna see your pretty makeup all over you." You whisper, leaning forward, licking a trail from the base of neck to his ear. "Wanna see you covered in it."

You feel Matty's breathing quicken, his chest rising and falling rapidly. “Fuck, please.” He whines through gritted teeth, and you can feel he’s about to lose it. You purposely clench the muscles in your pussy, building up pressure in the base of your stomach, and Matty fucking loses it.

"I take it, baby. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I—I'm gonna cum again, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, love. I can't stop it. I can't-I can't- I'm gonna cum again." He whines.

You push yourself faster, grinding down onto him hard. "Not just yet, sweetheart. Give me some tears, baby boy. We're not done yet." Reaching out, you cup your hand over his mouth to muffle his cries. "Don't cum yet. Don't you fucking cum yet." You demand firmly. Matty nods quickly, whimpering against your hand. "Want you to get your head as fucked up as your cock is right now."

You keep one hand cupped over his mouth, muffling his cries while you're harshly bouncing up and down on his cock. "You're gonna take it. You're gonna take it all, alright? Just like a good boy." You grind into him a little harder, making sure your nails are digging into his cheek, but not hard enough to leave marks.

He's out of control.

He's no longer Matty, the cocky, self-absorbed man you love. He's some sort of desperate animal. He’s a whore, and you fucking love it. You can feel his little whimpers in your hand, begging you not to make him cum again, then begging you to let him cum.

Your other hand finds its way to his hair, where you pull at the roots, rocking your hips back and forth. You can feel Matty's head thrashing from side to side, his eyes screwed shut, and black tears beginning to stream from them.

"You love this, don't you, you little slut. You love being a slut for me, don't you?" You chuckle lowly, watching his head fall to the side, away from your hand. "My beautiful boy."

"Ungh! Yeah—shit." He whines. "I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna cum. Fuck. Fuck."

Your gaze is mesmerizingly fixed on him; his chocolate brown curls are tousled, and there are black smudges tracing the contours of his eyes and cheeks. His pink lips swollen from biting them, his dick twitching inside of you while on the verge of cumming again, It's absolutely perfect.

"Cum for me, Matty. Paint my pussy white."

And he does.

It's so perfect that it has your stomach tightening in knots and your orgasm rising at a rapid pace. "Ungh! Fuck! I'm gonna cum." You moan, losing yourself and crashing your lips to his.

You taste blood as your teeth crash together, and a high-pitched moan escapes from the both of you as your bodies tense. He's cumming, you're cumming. Both of you cumming at the same time.

It feels like your spine has been struck by the strongest bolt of lightning you could possibly imagine. Explosions of pleasure course through your body, your vision goes white for a moment, and you can feel every muscle in your body tense and relax at once.

Your trembling lips locked together as wave after wave of pleasure washes over your intertwined bodies. Inhaling deeply, you both feel the intensity of the moment before slowly exhaling into each other's mouths as his tears wet your cheeks. You can feel Matty's cum gushing into you, marking you as his. You can feel him tense and shiver against you as you milk every last drop of cum from his cock.

You pull away from him, and after a moment, he raises his head to look at you. You move your hands to his face, thumbs swiping away the black lines from his eyelids, cheeks, and chin. He smiles at you, and you can't help but smile back, "Think you gotta redo your makeup. Sorry about that, love." You whisper, gently kissing his lips.

Matty chuckles silently. "Mhm, you're fuckin’ doing it for me this time." He whispers back, kissing your nose.

Tags (can't tag if your @ is red): @nothingrevealedeverythingdenied, @x-a-black-winged-dove-x, @butyou-callmewhenyourebored, @sugarkane1001, @uramilf, @thereisaplaceintheheart, @squishysoupy, @ari-turner, @0nlyangel1975

Chapter 25

Word count : 2917

This chapter contains , a lot of mention of drugs and drug use , anxiety and being high

This chapter is written in a slightly different style I hope you enjoy but please give me feedback if you prefer it the other way or this way. It's not to much different just more clear demographics of who is typing when it comes to texting I suppose but yeh I'd still love some feedback that would be grandly appreciated ❤️

Matty's POV

It really wasn't George's fault that I got so worked up over a single question he was just trying to help, and I genuinely am so grateful for him and everything he does for me but I'm fragile and my state of mind is so frail , has been for the longest time and certain stuff sets me off, George left the call a few hours ago his Mum came home so he had to go talk to her about what happened at school and then I think he got caught up with studying, we're texting but I still feel like I'm going to explode my anxiety has been through the roof since he's been gone, I meant it earlier when I told him he calms me, he's like the literal embodiment of Pablo Picasso's painting of the Dove of Peace that represents peace and unity, maybe a little pretentious of me but it's true , he's like a lighthouse in a storm if you may.

I'm currently sat with my Mum, Dad and Louis , watching Star Wars , my Mum thought it would be good if we all spend sometime together, When she got home from work she could tell I was hopped up and skittish, she did try to speak to me but I said I was fine but she insisted we all spent some time together. Really all I want to do is go get high or drunk at this point I don't really mind which option is pulling me in most. My mum had poured herself a class of red wine before we started the film and it's all that's been on my mind since I sat down, I doubt I'll be allowed anything, my dad usually offers me a beer but right now I don't think they'll let me and Louis is sat on my knee and I don't want to disturb him, I'm biting my nails now trying to concentrate on the film and not the ticking of the clocks in the room that are surely just going to blow my brain up in a minute.

"Matthew", my Mum brought me out of my haze.

"Mhm", my reply was muffled by my mouth still chewing on my nails.

"Hands", I look at her quizzically for a second as I don't quite know what she means, "stop chewing your nails love", my hands drops from my mouth immediately

"Sorry Mum" , I carefully lift Louis of my knee must to his protest and ruffle his hair, "my eads really cloudy right now I can't concentrate, I'm just going to lay down for a little while, I'm sorry".

"You alright son", I just nod at my dad with a halfhearted smile and make my way upstairs the quiet of my own room and head probably won't be much better but I just need to be alone. I make it to my room and just slump down on my bed the duvet felt to soft but also really scratchy but there's nothing I can do about that right now, I feel like I was just laying there staring at the ceiling, falling into a spiralling vortex with nowhere to go but it was really only a couple of minutes. My hands where twitching like mad and I could just feel a tingling sensation through my whole body and I hated it. I knew what I needed right about now so I instantly pull my phone free from my pocket and scroll through my texts till I find his number

Corey (Bigman) , If I could trust anyone to have anything to quell my anxiety Corey would have it so I fire him a quick text

Matty: yo it's Matty , are you about!

Corey : yeh bro 😎, what you after?

Matty: I don't know just something to calm me the fuck down.

Corey : right no worries man, meet me at the oak in ten yeh don't be late.

Matty: cool.

I sit up a little resting on my elbows to keep me steady taking a second to just breath or at least try to relax my breathing, then scrub my hands down my face and go back downstairs "I'm gunna go for a walk clear my ead, I'll be back in a bit yeh, it's only about 8, I'll get something from the shop if you want", I pull on my old tattered black vans and I wait for a response and shove my wallet into my back pocket , stick my head round the door and notice that Louis has fully zonked out on the couch "do you guys want anything from the shop?"

"No thanks love, please be safe, call me if you need anything and don't be long alright, I know it's summer and it's light out but you still need to careful , come give your mum a hug first first" , I roll my eyes and smile while I make my way over and pull my Mum into a tight hug. "We love you Matthew , be careful alright"

"I love you too Mum" as I pull away I try to sent the most reassuring smile her way. "I'm alright though" , I say goodbye again leaving the room and snag my jacket (Jamie's jacket ), from the coat rack and slip out the door, and start the journey to the Oak Hill, on my way I send a Snapchat to George not really of anything just the scenery and just put a little heart on the screen before sending. The walk is peaceful really besides a few hoodlam kids across the other side of the road making the biggest ruckus for absolutely no reason but I ignore it. After about five minutes I get a reply from George a pretty artsy picture of all his school books on his desk

George: where you off to love❤️?

Again I don't really send a snap because if I'm going to show him around Manchester I want to do it in person not through a screen or pictures , Pictures rarely do anything justice

Matty: just on a walk darlin , tryna clear my head , how's the enforced studying going 😂

George: it's an absolute nightmare honestly I don't know how people do this on purpose , clearing your head are you still upset?

Matty: honestly yeh my heads all over the place still but it's okay I'm trying to calm down darlin , also I can 100% feel your there studying is the worst thing about of school 😂

George: I'll call you once my parents go to bed I'll just need a minute to be sure so I don't get caught, I miss your face already love.

I quickly skim read his message again and slip my phone in my pocket and turn the corner coming face to face with Corey, he's got a joint in between his lips and I can see he's holding another in his hands with a lighter next to him. He looks up at me nodding and hands me the joint

"Have this with me first lad then I can hook you up with gear yeh"

I willingly take the joint and quickly flick the lighter a couple of times before the end lights up sparking an amber glow and I inhale the contents deeply sighing as I release "This is good shit"

"Quite strong so It might calm you down lad" he pats the ground next to him indicating for me to sit with him, I pull him up in the offer and slide myself next to him. Watching as he fiddles with my gear in his pocket and passes it over to me. "You given me good weed recently too lad so I'll give you this for free, but please be careful", I nod along with him as I take the baggie from him and slip it into my pocket. "What's up lad, you haven't come to me in a while, what's troubling ya.?"

"My heads all over the place and I can't shut anything up, I just want everything to be quiet for a bit, be able to breath you know" , I continue to inhale the substance and then go back to texting George as Corey starts trying to help me through something, he's not the smartest button in the box. I take a picture of the joint in my hand the flash causing the smoke to seem grey and float across my screen

Matty: "I fuckin miss you too man Jesus , it's not even been that long and it's scary, and yeh please don't get yourself into anymore trouble, we can call when you can , I don't know if I'll be home straight away but I'll let you know yeh"

With that I slip my phone into my pocket and pull the baggie out again "you wanna share it then Corey, I don't mind" , as I'm saying this I pull out my credit card from my wallet and preparing what I need , the oak is a very secluded area no one will catch us, I don't even know if it's an oak tree to be honest it's just a tree on the outskirts of the park that's been chopped down and just lying there , kids come here all the time to drink and party in summertime. I take a bump from the coke from the corner of my card letting it take through my body, it makes me shiver a little, and I then pass the stuff over to Corey as I feel my blood start to heat up a little. I take a seat leaning against the trunk of the tree and lol my head backwards and stare up to the sky, the starts looking like tiny torchlights leading the way to the heavens and they spin around us slowly , after a while Corey sits next to me

“So man , is it working is your head quieting down yet bro ?”, come to think of it it has a little, there’s still that anxious lump in my throat and my heart is still going a million miles a minute but my brain is a little quieter. A little foggy but quiet.

“It’s a little foggy and everything is still really grey and colourless but yeh it’s quiet”

“What had you so hopped up in the first place lad”, he pulls more papers out his pockets and starts rolling another joint as I close my eyes and let the world go on around me talking as i fall into a peaceful state of bliss

“I don’t wanna talk about right now” , once Corey finished rolling the joint he passes it over to me and I light up again bringing it to my lips inhaling then ask “bro got any drink on ya”

“I’ve got beer in my bag”

“That’ll do , not the best but it’ll do”, he pulls a can of carlins from his bag and passes me a can as well as opening a can for himself. “Bro how do you always just know what I need”, He’s known me a while now and always been able to set me up some good gear when I’ve needed it.

“I just know you bro”, we just spend some time drinking and smoking, we did a few more bumps of coke. It has been about an hour and a half at this point my brain had stopped racing everything was quiet and I was getting really tired. Corey was zoned out next to me and I was nearly half asleep. “I think imma go now lad, are you coming or are you just gunna sit for a bit”

“Nah man I’m good ay, just leave me one last can will ya”, I didn’t feel like what I said was actually how it came out, everything was slurred and just blending together as I said it but I’m sure he understood. “Thanks again Corey, you always have what I need when I need help”

“It’s cool bro don’t worry”, he got up from his place on the ground probably at a normal speed but too me it looked like everything was in slow motion and he dropped his last can next to me. “Be safe yeh”, after we said our goodbyes he walked off back in the direction of the park.

I don’t know how much longer I sat there just nursing the beer that was left for me , but eventually I started to feel like I was sinking into the ground my heart started beating faster, a lot faster than normal which started to freak me out a little. Causing my breathing to come in fast burst. This makes me open my eyes and everything around me spinning , making my head hurt “not again nah I can’t do this right now” , I pull my phone out and start stabbing at my screen trying to find someone’s number, anyone’s number I don’t care who at this point. The more I search the more I start to panic I hate this. Eventually my eyes fall on Ross’ name and I click his name and bring the phone to my ear and hear it ring a few times and it goes to voicemail “no, no, no , please pick up”, I press his name again hearing the ringer go through again “please Ross pick up” , I’m beyond panic at this moment and I can’t concentrate right. Eventually he does pick up

“Yo Matty what is it?”

“Ross , is that you!”

“Uh yeh , you called me so I’d assume you know”

“Ross I’m scared I need you, can you come get me please”

“What do you mean you scared , where are you!?”

“I can’t breath and my brain feels like it’s going to explode”

“Matty mate , where are you?”

“Um …I …I’m at the. Uh the oak”

“Okay lad, I’ll be five minutes, do you want me to stay on the phone”

“Please…Ross please make it stop”, I could hear him on the other side, pulling on his jacket and his keys rattling as he pulled his door shut.

“What did you do mate?”

“I just needed my brain to shut up for a second, nothing was working, I needed it stop…and and…and it did…but now I can’t …can’t breath”

“Matty ….I swear you need to tell me , what did you take” , he’s outside now I can hear the crunching of leaves under his feet , Ross’ house was just around the corner so he shouldn’t be too long.

“How long will you be?”

“Stop swirving lad what did you take?”

“Um I uh. I …the usual” , I could feel water running down my face now, I don’t know when I stared crying but apparently I had.

“Mate , seriously , what’s wrong?, I’m just round the corner”

“I don’t know what’s wrong Ross, I really don’t know” , as I was finishing that senatnce I could hear him trudging through the forested area behind me but I couldn’t lift my head properly for to long “is …is that you ?”

“Yes , I’m going to hang up now”

I heard the dial tone give out and then Ross was running over to me “let’s get you up okay …on three yeh”, he wrapped an arm around me and he tried to pull me up “1, 2 , 3” , I pushed a little as he pulled me up. “Where going back to mine okay?, you can’t go home like this”, I just subtly nodded because even just slightly moving my head hurt so much, he wrapped and my arm around his shoulders and we began to walk back to his in silence which didn’t feel good but I just couldn’t conjure up a sentance.

We stumbled through his front door, I could hear his mum calling from the bedroom asking what was wrong and he just told her that I was out and I’m a bit pissed so I’m staying here rather than going home that made me chuckle not in a good way “bit pissed as if”

“Bro this ain’t funny come one,” we made our was upstairs he dragged me along with him taking one step at a time. It was hard even just walking never mind conquering stairs “where do you need to go , lay down or vomit”

“Nah nah I just need a lie down” , he pulled me into his bedroom and helped me up to then bed and he sat next to me softly pulling my head into his lap and laying against the headboard

“What are we gunna do with you huh?”

OMG!!!!

He’s had enough of me I LOVE IT

Part 15

Word count 3075

There’s a little bit of Ross in this one so if your a Ross girlie/guy your man’s in this has a slight POV and I think it’s quite sweet mention of anxiety and drugs again in this one

Matty's POV

The walk to school was pleasant to say the least, My headphones were in ,the sky was blue and there was nary a car in sight not much to complain about on this fine morning other than the pollution in the air affecting the Ozone layer. Green house gasses and Carbon emission affecting climate change but what can a 17 year old boy do about that really. I decide to wait at the park for Ross he'll most likely want to walk with me. I pull out a cigarette while I wait lighting it in-between my lips while I guard it from the wind, I let the nicotine run through my veins and relax right into it. Ross doesn't take to long to turn up, rucksack flung over his shoulder and one shoe still needing tied. "Bloody hell, what happened to you?", He looks down right dishevelled,

He leans over tying his shoes "Stayed up last night talking to John and I slept in, missed my alarm didn't I." mans stressing, he really thought hed be late. It's kinda funny seeing Ross in this state usually it's me. The more important thing here is that he's stayed up talking to someone. That's never a Ross thing to do

"What really !?" I pat him on the back and pull his bag strap onto his other shoulder for him. His bag weighs a fuckin ton what the hell. I look at him he looks more presentable and pat down his shirt a little bit though and straighten his tie "There you go lad, looking loads better", We sit down on the swings next to each other and I hand him a cigarette and a lighter he probably needs it right now. I take another drag out of mine "on a serious note though , I do need to tell you something". I can't look him in the eye , I'm nervous about telling him what happened last night because I know he'd be upset that I didn't tell him sooner, I contemplated telling him how I felt , I contemplated texting him but I just couldn't.

"What's up Lad ?", although I'm not looking at him, avoiding all eye contact with him , boaring into the ground with my eyes. I exhale the smoke that I didn't realise I was holding. I can still feel his eyes on me "Matty you can tell me anything you know ?."After inhaling the last of my cigarette I throw it on the ground and squish the reminisce with my foot now my hands are free and I don't know what to do with them. They immediately go to my hair curling the ringlets carefully.

"I did something last night" my hands are now between my knees I'm crushing them together , it's an anxious tick I suppose something I do when I'm scared "it was stupid", although I really want to tell him I can't bring myself to say the words. I'm stalling .

"Come on lad, what happened ?". I was hyper aware of everything going on around me and how anxious I was getting. I was sweating and it wasn't the least obvious thing.

"I used again" , my hands were clammy and I still couldn't look in his direction never-mind at him, I know it's just Ross and he'd never judge me but everything around me is spinning again and my vision is going blurry and I feel like I am about to throw up . It's just nerves.

"Shit man ,I'm so sorry , why?, what caused it ?, did something happen?, why didn't you call me ?" . That's so many questions in one go , how am I supposed to answer, shit everything is going crazy and my head, it hurts , I'm dizzy and I don't want to be here having this conversation right now.

"It's a long story....I had a meltdown really...George and I were talking about music ...he threw a track together in his class yesterday and really wanted me to hear it and uh I wanted to show him that I knew what I was talking about and he wanted to hear something I'd done so I made the error of singing 102 didn't I....and everything just spiralled" . It all came out all at once . I didn't plan on telling him the whole story but when I started I couldn't stop. Word vomit comes to mind. Still no chance of it stopping there though my mind is just raving " and and ...I had forgotten that Corey had given me gear from the party we went to the other week , I was trying to be good so I didn't take it ...but I found it when I was cleaning up ....and singing 102 again without Janey just hurt and ....".I felt Ross' hand on my bank and his arm snake around me in a tight hug trying to comfort me as the tears start rolling down my face

"Hey hey ...it's okay Matty, I understand, it's alright" , He held me close rubbing his hands down my back in a comforting kind of way , I'm now soaking his shirt with my tears there's no way that it's going to subside anytime soon "Can we just go back to yours for a bit" I mumble into his shirt. I don't quite know if he heard me because he makes no effort to move. He just held me. After a few minutes more he pulled away and guided my chin to look at him "we can go back to mine, my mum won't mind, I really don't think school is the right place for you right now, it'll be okay". I was upset , more so angry at myself . I had really been looking forward to school this morning somewhat excited to maybe have a full day in lessons but now my head was throbbing and everything was telling me there was no way that was gunna happen.

"I'm sorry" , Ross is still holding on to me while we walk back to his , the guilt I feel that he's missing school is bubbling in my stomach, " You don't have to miss school you know?, not for me" . The walk to his isn't to long, he lets go of me for a second to unlock his front door and he lets me go in first and follows close behind. Once I've dropped my rucksack into his room I slip into the bathroom because I'm feeling super nauseous. Ross tentatively follows behind me "please, don't come in".

"I'll just wait out here okay , and just call for me if you need me" . He lets me close the door and if I know Ross which I do he will literally just be sat at the other side of the door. With that knowledge I rest my back against the door and slide down, and try to avoid looking at the light so I can calm down. I slip my glasses off and place them on the floor beside me and force my knuckles into my temples to try and ease the throbbing in my head "Ross do ave any more painkillers by any chance?"

"Yeh there in the cupboard above the sink", His voice is soft and quiet from the otherside, I must have gotten up from my place on the floor to quickly because as I rise the nausea comes flowing through me tenfold causing me to rush over the the toilet and heave into it making a disgusting grumble echo through the room. "Matty are you okay ?". It comes in waves a few seconds apart three more times. The toast from breakfast swiftly making an appearance. My skin is sticky the room smells rancid and my eyes are feeling that familiar sting again. Here I go crying again for god sake. Once I'm sure I have finished I lean against the cool tile on the wall behind me , loling my head back.

"I know I asked you not to come in but I've changed my mind..." before I've even finished my sentance Ross is in the room and by my side, I curl up into a ball and fall against his shoulder

"I hate this Ross , I hate this sooo much , I was in such a good mood this morning and now here I am crying on your bathroom floor not even an hour later , I don't understand any of this" , my tears are flowing at a rapid pace now and I've lost all the ability to stop them, my bottom lip is trembling. "I can't keep doing this"

"What going on up ere ?", he tapped my head in between my eye brows indicating that he's asking what's going on my head.

"Everything , Everything is going on, I'm not okay , I'm just...so...emotional....I feel unstable in my own head" .I'm clinging onto Ross for dear life right now like he's going to disappear if I let go or I'm not careful "I....I feel lost"

"Can you tell me do you know when this all started Matty, like when exactly did the first meltdown happen ?, was anyone there to help?" . I can feel his arms wrapped around me , his warmth is trapping me in this feeling of closeness and understanding. It's safety isn't it.

I speak into his shoulder "I don't quite remember when it all started but I know I was at work when it first happened , I was at work and um it was a particular busy shift and everything was just getting to much, It started with just a headache but then like 20 minutes later just everything , everything hurt and I couldn't see and the room was spinning , my hands where shaking, they sent me home and mum looked after me?". I really did think talking about it would be a lot harder but something about being in Ross' arms make it a lot easier.

"How does it make you feel after", his hands are playing with my hair he knows it calms me down. Lightly tugging on the curls running them through his fingers

"I just feel tired and a bit twitchy", I still have a slight headache but talking about it is really starting to help a small bit. "Could you get those painkillers for me lad ?".

He does so, standing up and filing through the cupboard looking for the painkillers , filling a glass and picking up my glasses from the floor, handing me them. I thank him as he sits right back where he was pulling me into him "Do you want to go lie down then , Ill ring your mum and let her know where you are so she doesn't worry ?"

"That would be nice, thank you".After necking the the pills and water and putting my glasses back on , Ross pulls me up to my feet. Guiding me to his room, my legs are are still shaky but Ross is doing a great job right now. He lays me down on his bed and sits next to me. He's only got a single bed so there's not much room for us both but I pull him close to me while he's here so he doesn't leave.

"Try to get some sleep then lad", I close my eyes and concentrate on his breathing, I know he won't call my mum until I'm asleep since I don't like it when people talk about me. He turns the TV on and plays it on low friends is playing, I can feel him slightly shake every-time they tell a joke, he gets a good laugh. I fall sleep listening to the sound of his breathing against my ear.

~~~~~

Ross POV

Once I feel like Matty's asleep, I find my phone in my pocket and fire his mum a text.

"Good morning Denise, It's Ross , which you know I guess obviously but yeh , I don't know if your free to talk or anything but just so your aware Matty is here with me , you probably got a message from the school saying he's not there but I just thought I'd let you know he's here with me and not to worry"

"Good Morning sweetheart, I did see a message from the school but I have had a minute to check it over , what happened , he seemed happy this morning when he left?"

"I don't really think it's my place to say he should really tell you himself but I'd just recommend speaking to him or just keeping a closer eye on him for a little while , There's alot going in his head right now"

"I have realised that but you know how he is just avoiding us as much as he can , but thank you for letting me know sweetheart , I'll be round to pick him up after work, please just make sure he gets something to eat and keeps hydrated, I'll let his dad know"

"You don't need to thank me, I'm just looking out for him , he's asleep right now , I'll get him some lunch when he wakes up"

I put my phone back in my pocket because I'm not sure how to continue the conversation I've never been good at talking with peoples families without them around even though Denise is like another mother to me. I just stay in my room with Matty to keep a close eye on him. I've never seen this kid so quiet, it's miracle trying to keep this lad still for longer than five seconds. I smile to myself because finally seeing him look peaceful for the first time in so long really pulls at my heart strings. The TV in the background drowning as I just watch him sleep keeping an eye out for any signs that he's having a nightmare or something.

He's been asleep for nearly an hour now , he's laying next to me I can feel him start to get a little restless slightly thrashing about not much but it's still noticeable. "Hey , Matt , shhhh , it's alright I'm ere , Matty it's alright". His grip on me tightened and I don't know if I should wake him but I don't want him to be in distress so I shake him a little "Matty your alright, I don't know if you can hear but everything is okay" . At that his eyes open a little and he squints as his eyes get used to the room around him and he pulls himself into me guarding his face from the light seeping through the window. "Are you okay?"

"It's...it's to bright, the curtains can you close them" , I get up slowly to close the curtains and Matty sits up pulling his knees to his chest and the heels of his hands pressed into his eyes

"Matty , stop your going to hurt your eyes mate, you've got to be softer". I'm next to him again in an instant pulling his hands away and holding his face so he's looking at me "Is that better?"

He's looking at me with those eyes of his, so apologetic for no reason, he looks so young "I'm sorry , my eyes just always really hurt after a headache...like there just really sensitive"

I'm still holding his face, he's till looking right into my eyes "it's okay Matt , why you apologising, were you having a nightmare"

"I don't think so, I think I was just panicking in my sleep if that's even possible"

"I think that can happen you know", You know I don't actually know if it is possible but feels like it could be and it definitely seemed like that's what was happening. "Oh uh I haven't mentioned , your mums coming to pick you up after work"

"Okay , fuck she's probably gonna take me out for a drive somewhere so I'll talk to her , I don't wanna go out I just wanna be at home" , he lets his legs go straight again and rest his head against the headboard

"Why don't you want to go out ?". I'm sat next to him with my legs crossed playing with a singular thread coming off the pocket of his trousers, "doesn't it help to talk to your mum ?, she used to take you out on drives when you were younger didn't she to help you talk more ?"

"She did yeh , she used to take me out a lot when I had things going on , or when I was anxious as a kid like when I was anxious to tell her things, it did help, I think I'm just scared to tell her what I did, she'll be so upset"

"She'd be upset but she'd understand and she would never be mad at you , you know , I know your mum she loves you , just wants what's best for ya". I really hope he gets the help he needs seeing him so fragile and scared is weird he's always been so confident in himself , we'll not always he was always a little shy as a kid but since high school he really grew into himself and became such a light in everyone's world and watching that light dim has just been so upsetting lately. "Do you think they might be panic attacks or Anxiety attacks or something"

"Maybe , it's just everything sets it off that's what bothers me is that I don't know what's going to set me off everyday because there's always something"

"We'll we can work it on them, see what helps you calm down , and please talk to your mum , you never know how much it might help ya" . I pull a cigarette from my pocket and steal Matty's lighter from his blazer pocket "want one ?"

"Sure", I offer him one of mine as I light mine, we sit in silence for a bit as I ponder what to do next because I really just want to make sure he's settled before his Mum arrives which might make him open up more.

"What do you wanna do , watch tv , fifa or just sit for a bit", picking up my remote I look through what's on Netflix "if you want the TV you can pick"

"I don't mind , we can just watch whatever" , we finish our cigarettes and he immediately pulls out a joint "this might calm me down"

"Thats alright I'll just put some music on"

And that we do and we smoke until his mum turns up. Just around the back of 1

Chapter 17

Word Count :2296

There’s not much warning needed for this chapter it’s all just talking and understanding unless honestly needs a tag then it’s fine

Matty's POV

I spent a lot of time that afternoon in my room, I'd received a few texts from Ross asking if I'm okay and if I'd told my mum what was up, I told him that everything was good and that my mum knows but that I never told her about the coke use yet because I can't do it yet, As well as that my dad phoned me just telling me that he's proud of me , and that he's always going to be there for me , I'm his son and that he loves me and that he'll speak to me once he's home because I hopes I'll talk to him a bit more I you know all that stuff , and I thank him and chat to him for a bit about what he's up to at work. Later on that day George messaged back

"Good afternoon love , I'm sorry to hear that everything's been all over the place for you today, I know that your struggling but once I'm home we can call again and talk about what happened , I miss your voice and your face", This is when we start Snapchating again because honestly I miss his face too. After seconds of seeing his face appear on my screen and face splitting grin appears on my own face, I sent him back a picture of myself so he can see me, I might not look or feel the best right now but I understand that and he's not going to see me as any different. We snap chatted all afternoon about nothing and everything all at the same time . Right now we're talking about a game that we'd like to play

"Yeh oh my god did you hear that street fighter 6 is going to be out soon, apparently it's got new game modes coming out aswell", Video games is always something I can talk about from dawn till dusk , losing yourself in another world , and if you mess up you can try again another day nothing to be anxious about. Very different from real life.

He snaps right back that smile of his makes everything in my life just feel like it's a million miles away and I don't have to worry about it "didn't it say that it's got like a new mode where your like touring the world and you can play against others online right ?". If he's anything like me this game is going to melt our brains when it comes out , I know it's literally just an online game but I've played every single one, and I love them all, Any new realise melts my brain, I get lost in them for days , there were times when I was younger the guys would come over and we'd cabin ourselves up in my room and we'd play every walk through of the game and make sure we'd find every single hidden gem and watch people play them online. Those were the days, where my mum would come in to make sure we were all okay but we'd be too engrossed in the game to even notice she was there or we'd all be passed out on the floor because we'd been awake for two days straight, my room would be an absolute midden. When there parents came to pick them up I'd sulk for hours, cry to my mum because I'd want them to come back, always been the sensitive kid I guess. Then I'd be so tired that night I'd sleep for hours and wake up at like lunchtime the next day and my dad would spend all day trying to cheer me up. Come to think of it I'd always been sensitive , I know I'd cry about stupid things as a really young kid, I'd built a fort with my dad when I was maybe 4 but when we had to take it down I'd thrown the biggest conniption fit, screamed the place down which in turn caused my mum to have to buy one of those silly little TP tents for my room which I still have now.

A few moments later I get another Snapchat through from George "are you still there love" , I blush at the use of the pet name , I feel like that will always make me blush I then snap a picture of myself and reply

"Sorry darlin , I was just thinking about stuff and got lost in a day dream , but yes I did read that somewhere" I send it off and decide to get dressed , I just noticed the time , Louis will be home soon and probably will want to play for a while. I slide on a yellow T-shirt and some black shorts. Just like I'd said Louis knocks on my door and slides his little head round the door "Mummy said you were sad so I was wondering if you wanted to play angry birds that always makes me happy". He comes in now and climbs onto my bed waiting for me to sit with him.

I skulk over to him and sit next him "come on then show me how to play" , I hand him my iPad and slide onto the bed properly , leaning against the headboard and pull him onto my knee, He easily navigated his way through my iPad finding the game he needs , watching his little hands working there way through the screen.He pauses for a moment to look at me "Why are you sad ?".

I tap his head and play with his hair "it's okay little man we don't need to talk about it , I'm just being silly , how about you show me how to play". The games page loads up. He turns back to it and starts showing me how to play. I know how to play but he loves this game and I love watching him play. George replies midway through this game . I open it he must be on his way home now because he's outside and the sun is shining , brightly into his eyes making them shine "what where you thinking about love". That brings a smile to my face, I snap a picture back of me and Lou he's sat on my knee and he's too engrossed in his little game to notice that I'd taken his picture. It's actually a sweet one, I save it. "Just reminiscing about how I've always been a kind of sensitive guy really, we can talk about it when you call later if you like" . I put my phone down on my bed and pull Lou close to me hugging him "I love you little man"

"I love you too Maffu" , he hands me the iPad means he's struggling with this level , so I take it and I show him how to do it talking him through it "Fanks, you're really good at this , you can do the next one too" , we go through a few more levels together taking turns , George has replied but I'm lost in my time with my little man.

I pause the game after a while "Hey kiddo, do you have homework", I know he's only young but he might have class reading to do and I love hearing him read he's such a good little reader. "Go get your bag and I can help you with it yeh ?"

"Okay", he jumps off the bed , scrambling to go get his bag , while he's gone I reply to George, he's still stood outside but has a joint in his hand "If it's something you'd like to talk about then we can , how's the little man ?" , he's so darn pretty , how can some that looks like a literal angel just be allowed to walk the earth and not have a partner like it doesn't make any sense. The fact that he cares about me and even ask about Lou is also something that I can get down with

I snap back , I'm probably blushing because the picture he sent was really pretty , "I would really like it if we could talk about it , also he's doing grand , we were just playing angry birds , im about to help him with his homework , you look really pretty today by the way George x" , I hope that makes him smile even just a little bit.

He replies instantly he looks to be home now, he's sat on his couch has his headphones in and there's a tinge of red adorning his cheeks and he's smiling "says the pretty boy on the other end of the phone , would you like to call when you've finished with the little man then !?x"

I send him just a quick text this time because I can hear Louis running back up the stairs shouting to my mum that I'm going to help him do his homework "I'd like that alot x" , he send back just a quick alright then I plug my phone in to charge and then loius comes running back into my room "I got it", we end up setting his little books on my desk and he climbs up onto my knee so we can read his book, I remember reading this one when I was his age. He's reading away, he gets stuck on a few words but he honestly does so well , it's only a small book , ten pages at most but I'm so damn proud of him. This grown up little man is going places. The next part of the homework is where the issues began , neither of us a very good and maths it may seems, I'm trying to help him with his times tables as he has to learn them before he moves up to year three , I'm doing my best to try and help him where going through the 8 times table because that's the one he struggles with , and although I'm 17 going on 18 years old , I really should know my 8s but I don't not by heart anyway. I start panicking when I'm trying to explain how to do it, because I can tell he's getting upset about it , again another similarity we have is we both get upset quite quickly over small things , it's stupid how fast I get panicked over this and it's even more stupid how quickly we both get frustrated at it. I do try to keep my cool but eventually after about half an hour where both just frustrated messes and I don't want to see him upset anymore so we pack his things away and I let him go play for a while. I go to talk to my mum. I make my way down the stairs to see that my mum is working in her office but my dads home and sat on the couch flicking through the channels

"Hiya dad", I stand at the doorway slightly flustered, I lean against the door frame. I can feel myself getting a little twitchy but I force it down

"Alright yungun, what's up?", he's looking at me , I can see he's a little bit on edge trying to work out what's going on and trying to figure out if I'm okay.

"I just um came to tell mum something but she's busy so could I tell you ?", after I few silent moments I stride over to the sofa and sit next to my dad. "I think , I may need a little bit more help than mum thinks"

"Why's that yungun", he puts the remote down and sticks it on the arm of the chair. Paying close attention to me now .

"It's just everything stresses me out , small things that mean nothing to anyone, and when I get like that I can't do anything. It's like I try to speak but when I try it's nothing but a squeak in my own head , like I'm living in a house with just three walls and everyone can see me falling apart" . I don't want to cry right now, I can do this , I can have one conversation about how I feel without crying Jesus I need to do it "like everything is changing , there's this pressure in my head that's telling me I need to keep everything the same and not let it change and obviously I can't do that and when it starts getting to much my whole system just shuts down and I feel like I'm gunna explode" , I take a breath that I'd been holding , letting out a sigh at the same time rubbing my hand over the back of my head violently.

"Hey yungun come ere", he pulls me into a tough hug, his strong arms holding me still as I am still trembling "we'll get your sorted won't we, you just need to keep doing this , talking about what's going on"

"I'm trying dad I promise I'm trying", once I've pulled away I give him a soft smile and thank him for listening, on my way back to my room my mum calls through to make sure I have my cheeseburger so I do I pick up the paper bag and bring it up with me and slowly make my way through it, I know it's literally just a cheeseburger and kids eat them but it takes forever to get through, it takes an age actually. I don't feel that great after it, bloated to all hell actually but I guess that's my own fault. I ponder for a while why it's so hard for me to just do things that I'm supposed to do to live bit I think about it for long because if I spiral I won't bounce back for a while

"I'm ready to call whenever you are Georgie x"

Found an opportunity to take a Matty style Pic so I just had too 😂😂😂

I’ve just realised how much of a simple man I am , having a bad day or feeling upset or angry or whatever , just throw on “Roadkill” mood immediately uplifted 😂😂😂