To Have Known Your Love And Lost It - It Feels Like Falling A Second Time.

I'm not a native speaker of Spanish, but a friend of mine offers the following translations:

"me diste un golpecito en la nariz" (you poked me on the nose)

"me has hecho 'boop'" (you booped me)

In German, boop means "tatzeln".

"I boop you" means "Ich tatzel dich".

How do you say boop in your language?

Please reblog and add yours, let's see, how many languages we can get together.

"She was a remarkable woman, Eve!

Hope, you all made some noise for International Women's Day!"

-So....you're not like us? -Nyeah, no, we look similar, but we are angels. Er, my colleague is. I'm a demon. -What's the difference? -Hah, good question. I guess you could say I had to leave our Eden, in a sense. -...and he didn't go with you? -He...that's...It's not like with you and Adam. Uh, sorry for getting you kicked out, by the way. I didn't know She'd be so tetchy about the apple. -Don't be, it was getting kinda boring in there. -...knew I liked you for a reason.

i'm a crowley&eve friendship truther, and a big proponent of nanny! crowley to cain and abel (later events ....notwithstanding)

Things To Do Today

Be angry at Nina for making things so difficult. Instead of talking to me, she could’ve just written more notes for me to ignore.

Ponder on Nina’s words

Overthink

Go back to sleep because my brain hurts from overthinking

Wake up and work up the courage to speak to Maggie and to Muriel

Have a few drinks to be more courageous

Sober up because I can’t very well talk to them drunk. Maggie would probably not take me seriously and Muriel would be really confused or even scared. They haven’t experienced me in full drunk mode yet.

Yell at plants to let off some steam

Drive around, not necessarily in the right direction.

Nina says that Muriel thinks it’s their fault that I’m not talking to them, not visiting the bookshop anymore and not responding to any of their notes and cards. I was so shocked I almost dropped my shades.

I can’t wrap my head around it. I couldn’t even wrap my entire body around it if I was in my snake form.

I mean, we all messed up in some way or other. The angels messed up, the demons messed up, Gabriel and Beelzebub messed up, Shax messed up, Aziraphale messed up, Floating-Head-Coffee-Or-Death-Guy messed up, Maggie und Nina messed up, and I have been walking chaos since I started walking on legs. (Might have been crawling chaos before that). The only person who really didn’t have anything to do with any of this, was former-inspector-constable, now bookseller-to-bee.

Why do they think it’s their fault? I don’t understand it at all. I know that humans sometimes feel guilty for something they’re not responsible for, but Muriel is an angel. They should think that they’re always doing the right thing.

But then, Aziraphale has experienced guilt before. Even then when things weren’t his fault. Perhaps guilt is an angel thing after all.

I wish I could tell Muriel that this has nothing to do with them. It's a good thing that they keep the bookshop safe.

I just can’t be in there at the moment because everything reminds me of him. But I can't talk about that to Muriel. I can’t be on Whickber Street, I can’t talk to Maggie and Nina, I can’t deal with this, I can’t process it. And I’m sorry for causing them pain. I don’t want any friends because I don’t want to cause others pain.

It was my damn job to cause others pain for so long.

~*~

More Diary Parts

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@aziraphalesdiaries @muriel-not-the-dim-one

Yep, but I'm a goodlooking foul fiend. 😈

100 days project Day 45 Foul fiend

"Naaah, guys like Hastur or Ligur or Furfur can't just snap their fingers and drag me down to Hell.

Right, they're dudes... Dukes of Hell - at least Hastur and Ligur are, Furfur's just an admissions demon, who thought he could turn me in for "collaborating with the angel Aziraphallus" but for that he needed to go the long bureaucratic way which Hastur and Ligur skipped when they thought they could just bring me in by brute force.

Anyhow, what was I trying to say? My point is, very few demons have this kind of power. Lord Beelzebub kinda does, they dragged me down once, and even through the protections of my Bentley, but they also had to appear on Earth personally to do it.

Satan doesn't need to. He can just do the fingersnapping thingie. Actually, he doesn't even need fingers. He's Satan. We're demons. I think, you understood this part quite well, bookgirl. 😉

Oh, and besides, do you know what's even more difficult than trying to resist Satan's pull? Try to resist Satan's pull while you're absolutely positively high on Laudanum!" 👿

Edit: Though, I suppose, the place, too, does matter. Somehow, I doubt that Satan could simply drag me down from Aziraphale's bookshop, which is heavenly protected. But I suppose that Lord Gaiman has the final say on that matter."

The resurrectionists minisode appears to retroactively change the rules in the gomens universe as to how crowley can be summoned to hell — after all, in s1 and in the book crowley needed to be collected by hastur and ligur in the holy water scene. So i’m now headcanoning that something simply changed between 1827 and current day, and that something is that aziraphale saw crowley get pulled down for doing a good deed and vowed to consult every book on earth to find a way to tether crowley to the earth from now on unless physically dragged to hell so he’d be safer

Well, I don't know about the Crowleys of other people's headcanons, but as for me, I'm never setting foot in that bookshop again.

What should I do in a place where he isn't, but everything reminds me of him? Torture myself on purpose? Get Muriel into even more trouble with Heaven so their superiors kick them out and he looses the bookshop for good?

And besides... walking back into a place where I just made a very dramatic exit from - nah, not really my style. So, no bookshop for me.

I've been hanging out in my car ever since the shop was entrusted to Muriel, and Hell still refuses to give me back my flat.

And my Bentley doesn't even remotely look like a beach. It's not gonna start being yellow again.

Fascinating that the fandom has basically torn itself apart about Aziraphale…what are his intentions? his motivations? did he do the right thing in going back? what’s he planning? …but everyone just somehow agreed that Crowley’s one job in s3 is to hang out in the bookshop until Aziraphale gets back…basically his s3 job is Beach.

Ngk. You've been a very very bad phone. I consider myself disappointed.

Be grateful that you are not a plant.

Phone, delete contact "Aziraphale"!

"Nah, he's not monstrous, that's utterly ridiculous. He always puts other people's happiness before his own. He doesn't even permit himself to dance with me unless he plans a Jane Austen ball (she has balls) for other people's happiness first.

No, he never was abusive. He was supportive whenever he could and sometimes even, when it would have been the smarter thing to keep his mouth shut.

But, yes, he's a prick. Throwing away everything we could've had, just because he thinks, he can do goody-good in heaven.

They'll roast him alive.

Which they tried to do before."

Fandom acting like Aziraphale is the Bad Guy for asking Crowley to become an angel again is something else. I'm not arguing that offering to turn him into an angel again was the right thing to do, but CONTEXT MATTERS!!

Things Crowley has canonically said about his fall:

"I never asked to be a demon. I was just minding my own business one day and then… Oh, lookie here, it’s Lucifer and the guys. Oh, hey, the food hadn’t been that good lately. I didn’t have anything on for the rest of that afternoon. Next thing, I’m doing a million-light-year freestyle dive into a pool of boiling sulphur." (Aziraphale appeared to Crowley right after he said this so it's not outside of the realm of possibility that he found Crowley by following his voice in the first place.)

"I didn't mean to fall. I just hung around the wrong people."

"I didn't really fall. I just, you know, sauntered vaguely downwards." (Crowley says this to Aziraphale in the same scene he asks for holy water.)

Crowley was turned into a demon against his will.

Crowley hates being a demon too. It makes sense that Aziraphale would mistakenly believe that Crowley might accept the idea of becoming an angel again if what we were witnessing was Aziraphale being honest with Crowley in the final fifteen.

Again, I'm not saying he was right to ask that of Crowley, but let's not just decide that Aziraphale is a Bad Person for asking when he's witnessed ways in which Crowley has suffered as a demon.

There is indeed a lesson to be learned here, but why bring a little more context into the situation when it's just easier to villainize Aziraphale, am I right?

Yes, he was wrong to ask Crowley to become an angel again because it's not what Crowley wants. No, he's not a monster for offering. This is seriously all because of their stunning inability to communicate what it is they actually want.

Aziraphale has to break free from whatever hold Heaven still has on him, but he doesn't deserve to be treated like the Bad Guy.

It is entirely possible to criticize Aziraphale's actions without painting him as a monstrous abusive prick.

Trying to talk to Maggie and to Muriel – Attempt Nr.2

Hi Maggie, please tell Muriel to come over to the record shop, so that I need to say this only once: Stop trying to talk to me, the both of you. Stop sending me notes, stop trying to call me, just stop doing anything about me. I am not your friend and never will be.

There, you have it. Nice and short.

The only problem is, if I put it like that, Maggie will probably cry and Nina will give me her angry face again. And Muriel will look at me with those big brown eyes and think it’s their fault. And perhaps cry, too.

Enough! No more crying. I’m sick of blowing my nose all the time. It gets all red and blotchy. Why do noses always have to run when you cry! Major design flaw if you ask me. But I forgot, you are not asking, @the-almighty-god. You’re just playing your ineffable game. Next time, please play Dungeons & Dragons with us. At least that one has uhm…. dungeons and dragons and elves and Bags of Holding in it. I would quite like a Bag of Holding, then I could’ve kept all of my plants when Hell kicked me out of my flat.

Okay, next try: Hi Maggie and Muriel. I can’t be your friend because I don’t do friendships. Bye.

That one’s so short, I could actually write it on a card. Maybe I should, then I don’t have to talk to them. But Nina was very specific about this one. If you don’t want friends, you have to tell people to go away and you have to do it in person. Writing will not do, texting will not do, and simply going away until they forget about you will not do either. That one least of all.

Nina says, the truth is painful, but at least they’ll have a clean cut and they can start to heal. They can’t when I just leave them hanging. No closure.

Hi Maggie and Muriel. I don’t want to be your friend because I’m scared. Scared that I’ll get hurt when I open up to someone. Scared that you’ll get hurt, when Heaven and Hell start doing their thing again and we all get caught in the crossfire.

No, by ‘the truth’ I didn’t mean ‘that much truth’.

Just the clean cut. The one we never got to have. First, I walked out, then he walked away. We never sorted anything out. Did he leave because he chose Heaven over me? Did he leave because he chose Heaven for me? Did we break up? How can we break up if we aren’t even together? Are we still friends, or is everything over for good?

What does he want with Heaven? Does he truly believe, he can make a difference? Was it just an excuse to get away? Why did he kiss me back and then told me, he forgives me? Did he even listen to anything I said?

Why suddenly dance with me at the ball when he refused to dance with me back in 1941 when I asked him to? Why does he want me to be an angel again? Am I not okay for him the way I am? Does he even want to be “an us”, or did he at least want it before everything went down the drain? Does he still think about me as he is up there, doing God knows what?

Is he thinking of me right now? Perhaps this very moment?

I slam on the brakes and let the Bentley spin to the right, so the car behind me passes by without hitting me. The driver yells something rude, but I’m not listening to him. My mind is full of questions and I can’t answer a single one of them.  

No closure. No clean cut. Just pain.

I can’t heal because I’m left hanging. I can’t move on with my life because I don’t know what’s there to move on to and what there isn't. Is he still a part of this life or is he gone for good?

I’m on hold. I’m on hold like a human on a phone who doesn’t know if they should hang up or if they should wait for the conversation to continue. When Beelzebub came to talk to me about Gabriel, I understood immediately what was going on with them. Why can I not understand what is going on with us?

Again Nina’s words: “But then, other people’s love lives always seem so much more straightforward than our own.”

I start the Bentley’s engine again, but before I can bring my foot down, I freeze.

“Hello, traitor.”

 No literal freezing. Just a jumpscare.

“I was going to pull you down to my new office, as it seems befitting for my new position. But you’re so miserable already, I didn’t want to drag you out of your safe space. Besides, Hell doesn’t need to know about our little talk, do they?”

~*~

More Diary Parts

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16 / 17 / 18 / 19

@aziraphalesdiaries @muriel-not-the-dim-one

I know that everyone is waiting to find out who met surprised poor drunk Crowley on the bridge - and you will soon - but I want to answer this one quickly, before I forget.

I, too, choose five things that go for me in real life and also go for me as Crowley.

I am very creative and I love what I create.

I enjoy rock music (possibly a bit more metaly than Crowley)

I love to dance and I absolutely don't care how it looks

I am nonbinary at heart. I enjoy presenting male most of the time and I enjoy presenting female when I'm in the right mood for it.

I am very inquisitive. I collect knowledge and new skills, I want to dig through all the layers to get to the bottom of things. And I often got in trouble for "asking too many fool questions" especially as a child and teenager. I didn't get chucked out of heaven like Crowley did, but I did get thrown out of religious class at school once.

I nominate: @crowazira @taraiha @goodomensfanbase @gayforanthonyjcrowley @dagonmasteroftorments @somebebop @draemorah @caterhoades1971 @starfruitsomething

once you get this, you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly. then you have to send this to ten of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool~)🌈🌈

Ah, I love this! Thanks @hell-hath-no-fury-like-love (love the handle, by the way!)

I’m creative

I like trying new things

I have a deep connection with nature and animals (or so I tell myself)

I’m a good listener

I think I have a good singing voice

@greenthena @greeneyed-thestral @tangerine-ginger @dee-morris @sayuri-of-the-valley @godfrey-the-chaos-duck @godihatethisfreakingcat @lookingatacupoftea @phoen1xr0se @takemetotheworld