February 21st, - 7:00

Last night's party

This is all over the place and so out of order but i need to get it off my chest.  So my family always has this thing where when we do get togethers, at night something always goes wrong, someone always ends up crying, and almost everyone is hurt.  So this year it was my sister.  My sister had been stuggling alot lately, and the night before the party talked with her husband and discussed divorce which he said he wanted.  She wanted to forget it so she didn’t tell anyone and she got drunk.  She found this girl flirting with her husband at the party and she got upset, and my brother is also going through stuff so they were going to basicly go and try to have fun and dance and listen to music with their family and forget about it until my brother pulled my sister inside and sat her down trying to give her basicly relationship thiripy, which this was not the time.  Because everyone was kinda drunk, so she was already emotional and my brother made it so much worse.  So I was there trying to calm her down because she was crying and trying to talk and getting overwelmed and dizzy and about to puke because she couldn’t calm her breatheing, and I wasn’t going to leave her because I know how she felt because I used to have really bad breakdowns.  And so my other brother came in and pulled me out and then they went walking up the road so I followed in which I watched someone my sister loves so much as a uncle tell her to kill herself and drive off.  And so at this point I was pissed and my sister was hurt so I was about to beat in anyone’s faces who dared say anything rude to my poor sister who is already going trough so much these past two weeks.  And her husband came up there and my other brother (nice one) and I defended her and he walked away giving up in which I then proceded to call him a dick.  Then I sat by her telling her it’s okay and to calm her breathing and tell her to breath in through her nose and she couldnt.  So we sat in the middle of the old gravel unused road in frount of her grampas old house while she cried as I held her and rubbed her back.  My brother told me to leave because I didn’t need to see her like this because I’ve been struggling with my anxity really bad lately and my sister told me thank you and to leave so I did.  And then I came back to the house.  I wanted to see my mom so I found her in the house where she was drunk and couldn’t even talk correctly, And that’s the first time I’ve ever seen her like that and it was because she had a friend come to the party who got her drunk,  and she’s in bed rn with a hangover too.  And last night she had some girl in the room with her so I walked out.  And my older cousin who sat with me last year while I cried after the party was there again this year ready to bring me into a giant hug again this year.  He brought me outside where we sat on the swing and talked about random stuff.  I texted my boyfriend because at this point my brother and I had already took him home and stopped by our old friends grave and I almost cried then too.  So I texted him and he made me super happy and then my brother and sister came back from up at her granpas house and my other brother came outside to start throwing stuff and yelling and my cusin just tried to distract me by asking me stuff while I cried.  And then my mom came outside while my brother almost punched her And my sister yelled at her.  So mom pulled me out of the house and forced me to go home with her.  Which I was not okay with.  And I cried until I got home and once I was home it was 1 am. Which I proceded to sit alone for 30 minutes on the bathroom floor and cry like it was sixth grade all over again. ~Anon

You’re allowed to love yourself!

November

I hope everyone had a great halloween! It’s officially November now so now it’s that time of year again where everyone skips straight to christmas. Firstly I live in the us so next up is thanksgiving which is like one of the best holidays ever because I mean. Food. I am so happy for Christmas but personally I think it’s to soon. And a little update about how last night went. My sister was very upset and stressed when we went in there so I told her mum would take me trick or treating alone in the country. Of course I lied, I mainly only wanted to go with Aiden, so I went home and slept. We spent $130 on something I didn’t even get to wear. Great. Anyways I’m sure it’s no biggie. Gotta blast. ~Anon

Lonelyness

I can already see tomrrow in my eyes as I lay here at 3 am. The tiredness that will cradle me as if I'm dying within its arms. I'll lay here until I feel I can't anymore. I know I'll go to stand and fall back again as my legs give out to the pain behind my left leg. The gaping hole that will suck me in and heal back up once it's broken me down into nothing. My existence will not be anolage for my family is gone and my friends are none existent. I'll tell myself I'll clean later knowing that later never comes. And once again I'll hear the low grumble of my stomach as it begs for food i will not give it. I'll pretend that I can't hear, nor feel it as it twist my insides. Im prone to Blocking out the thoughts such as the fact I haven't had a proper meal at all this week, nor have I had proper social interaction, it seems I have forgotten how. I'm upset, I'm more than upset but not quite at the same time. I feel this feeling I haven't experienced much as of lately. But once again it's back. As if I'm it's toy to play with and it's the toddler I belong to. I'm nothing but I slave to its existence. I try to creep away, to disapear, but it's truely no use because im stuck here. My environment is diffrent and because of this. I am lost. ~Anon

THIS IS IMPORTANT

00:25

I’m sat here. It’s currently 00:25. My mind has been messy lately. I feel like I shouldn’t have friends. Like I should shut my mouth instead of talking. Yet I talk anyways. I feel like I’m annoying everyone I make conversation with. I feel gross. I want to be someone else. I’ve been unactive because I wanted to have this as a positive account but I have nothing positive to say. I’ve dicided to forget it. It’s my account. No one reads my post anyways. I’m sat on my bed right now. My sisters tanning on the other side of the wall. My parents are sleeping. And the world feels empty. My friend just went to bed. I wish I could have seen her today like I was ment to but she remembered she had plans with someone else so she hung out with them. I won’t lie, I feel jelous. This seems to happen Everytime I want to hang out with someone. They are busy. I’m starting to think maybe it’s intentional. It’s okay though, I don’t blame them. Everyone has a right to their own opinions on me. I’m so incredibly sad right now. I keep hoping someone will say something to help me right now but everyone is asleep. The world around me seems asleep exept for my sister and I just feel like a tiny annoyince in her life right now. I never said anything but I’m going to say it on here sense no one reads it anyways and I need to get it out. Last month I got super depressed. I swallowed a half a bottle of random pills I’d been saving up. I have about two pills left. They didn’t do anything. I somewhat wish they had. That’s not my only problem. I’m facing one right now. I just need a sign. But who I want one from hasn’t said a thing. I should stop relying on others to save me. I’m sorry. ~Anon

🌸 just buzzin by to remind you!🌸

Useless

I feel useless. I'm never going to meet expectations. I'm never going to be good enough for anyone. I can't do anything right. No one cares about anything I care about. I'm sorry I'm not her... but I try so hard. ~Anon

please take care of yourself!

I got a new jacket and I really like it. 💛 ~Anon