Last Night's Party

Tue, April 4th - 23:41

Here lately someone special to me has been struggling.  She’s been in and out of the hospital several times and now she is back in a hospital bed.  This time how ever I’m not so sure she’s going to be leaving, and this scares the life out of me. 

Growing up, and even now my grandma is the most important person in my life.  She’s a big influence on who I am and how I see things.  She always has been and always will be. 

When I was younger I used to see my grandma every week day when my mom and dad went to work,  I would go to her house at 8 every morning.  It is by far the best memories I have, even till this day ten years later.  I would do anything to reverse the clock and go back to when I was the happy little four year old who couldn’t wait to see her grandma every Monday through Friday.  She was never just my grandma, and she still isn’t.  She’s my best friend.

She’s the sweetest person I’ve ever met; well, unless you sit in her cats chair, that’s a whole other story.  She loves everything, and I don’t know anyone as open minded as her either.  She has the heart of a five year old, and maybe that’s why I love her so much. 

Growing up she always told me I could do whatever I want when I become a adult and encouraged my insane dreams.  She told me to never grow up.  My favorite thing she ever told me was that I’m however old I feel.  I heard this one quite a lot usually followed by a “I’m still five at heart”.

We used to have tea parties every morning followed by watching the kids channel on tv, which I’d catch her watching years to come even if I wasn't watching it with her.  We’d make ornaments for the Christmas tree or her refrigerator out of play-doe all year around.  We’d often move the chairs to the hallway to make a car which we’d ‘drive’ to the ‘store’ in the living room and go shopping for groceries.  we’d hop back in the ‘car’ and drive home to cook dinner.  which she usually cooked those tiny barbecue hot dogs while i made stuff on the fake wooden storage stove in the corner.  afterwards we’d listen to the wolf radio station and play with some toys by the window.  It was a everyday cycle.  My favorite part was waiting for the bus to drive past.  We’d wait everyday and then wave through the blinds as it passed. I’d even cry everyday and hide behind her recliner when my dads car pulled up outside, I never wanted to leave.

On rare days my grandma would go to her bedroom and get some bananas and some water bottles and we’d sit by the window on the floor and eat them and drink the water.  I remember her always telling me to put the cap back on the bottle which is probably why even till this day I can’t put a water bottle down without first screwing the lid back on, let alone watch other people do it.

During the summer was my favorite.  We’d go outside and sit in her backyard swing and watch the trees blow back and forth in silence.  Sometimes I got to feed the neighbors dog.  We’d also walk through her yard and pick up the gum pods that had fallen from her three gumball trees that my dad planted many years earlier.

I have two favorite memories.  The first one was when I broke her collectable small puppy.  She told me she’d be upset if I broke it.  Of course this is me we are talking about so I broke it’s tail.  I crawled under the kitchen table and bawled all day. I worried her sick, she finally found out why and she chuckled before saying she’ll glue it back together.  She quickly did so before smiling and putting it back.  I’ve never felt so bad before!  My second is more calm and simple.  My grandma got me a toy Polaroid camera,  I ran all around the house pretending to be her.  If there was one thing she was always doing, it was taking pictures of me.  She always made me feel special. 

Seeing her here lately is a completely different experience for me.  She has memory loss so she can forget me.  Yesterday she didn't recognize me, today she did.  It’s on and off.  She can’t speak very good,  It’s mostly mumbles and gibberish.  Even though all this is happening she’s still the same lady who took care of me and that I love so much.

I’m scared,  My biggest fear is losing my grandma.  My family and close friends all know this.  It’s something that scares me so much.  I’ve spent nights crying just thinking about it and I feel like its becoming a reality.  I can barely even talk about her without crying.  my dad says she’ll be lucky to make it to the end of the week.

I’m being my strongest I can be and I plan to keep being my strongest.  I’m trying to stay positive and happy, I’ve been distracting myself a lot.  I am struggling, That’s the truth.  That doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep trying my best be be happy.

This took a long time to type and a lot of tears.  I’m going to keep praying for her and hope everything gets better.  Please everyone have a safe night, and pray for your loved ones too,  I love you all.

~Anon

Things will get better ❤

Be in love with your life. EVERY MINUTE OF IT!

Dull

Her eyes focused on the smallest particle of dust, as it slowly danced around through the air. She breathes ever so slowly in, then out again. Her eyes fell shut. She took in the quiet.  The small ticks of her clock across the room, the sound of the AC running quietly from the other side of the house. It was as if the entire world was asleep. She Drew in a deep breath, breathing it out through her mouth slowly, drawing it out as long as possible. Slowly she reopened her eyes. She panned her eyes around the dull cold room, slowly taking in every detail. The lighting slightly changed as the sun passed behind the clouds outside her window. Her thighs and wrists still ached from earlier that day. She noticed the small pain on her elbow as well from the night before, where the skin had been scraped and irritated now. Her dull room walls sat around her like a prison cell seeming too slowly get closer as she lay in her bed. Even the large comforter couldn’t keep her warm as the Autumn air hit her neck and face. She felt the warm wetness fall from her eyes slowly, she once more breathed in ever so slowly as her mind continue to scream, she shut her eyes hoping it would all be over as fast as it started. ~Anon

July 10th 2016 - 1:04

Night time seems like the common time for sadness to ambush your thoughts and terrorize them. Talking becomes difficult and you can't phase your thoughts good enough for them to spill out of your mouth, instead choking you when they are so close yet so far from being said. You wish for these things to crumble into the night leaving you empty because empty is easier than the screaming. Your broken thoughts become a recurring normality which you find the decency to name. Why these thoughts come so often is beyond you. Eventually they seep into the parts of your life where the sun is shining and your mind is suddenly a thousand times darker than the fire in the sky. Telling yourself lies to make them go away, you know what they are. They speak the truth unlike your filthy mouth which only pours the lies which hides what you really are. Like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Only your cover is wearing thin. ~Anon

Sat, Jan 7th - 04:49

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New year! We officially say it’s now 2017, it’s completely unbelievable.  2016 flew by so fast it’s like it never even happened.

I’m currently watching homestuck and snacking on some starburst minis and drinking some water, I should be in bed but it’s way to late for that now.  I figured it would be a good idea to update this blog on my current situation.

I’m actually doing quite great at the moment.  That’s not something i say much on here anymore but I am feeling better.  Yeah, my family is still horrible but I, as a person am doing better. 

I’ve finally started caring for myself more which I’ve always been bad at.  I have also gotten a lot better, how do I say this, outlook?  When I say this I mean I try to think more positive things in bad things and I try to smile more and to be more cheerful.  I have also gotten to the point of trying not to cuss.  I am getting better with these things as time moves on so please excuse me if I do mess up on these things. 

I have gotten a few new hobbies as well.  I learned I want to learn to dance and I would like to get back into exercising.  I can’t dance good at all and I would like to learn, and I used to exercise every day when I was younger and it made me very happy. I loved to exercise so much and I hope I can get back into it.

I also have some new year resolutions I would like to share.  I had a hard time picking some and I tried to fit as much under one name as possible so here are some.

1. Be the purest version of myself I can possibly be.

2. Take well care of myself.

3. Take up hobbies (Dance, cosplay, make up, youtube, story telling).

4. Learn Korean.

5. Travel outside of comfort zone.

These are some of mine, please share some of yours too.  I would love to hear.

Anyhow, I must go now.  Anime is calling my name.  I hope everyone is having a great day, I love you all and please take care of yourself today.

“One small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.”

Everything gets better with time ;

~Anon

Time meassured in Robins and Commissioner Gordon’s Hair. EDIT PATCH NOTES: Added steph.

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Closed up

In this house I feel like I can’t express myself. I feel as if anything I like isn’t good enough. I try to show what I like to my family and they always insult it and I feel like a brat. I always say “well I guess I’ll go back to being closed up” but I never really do. Here lately I have lost alot of wight again and I don’t eat as much which is strange for me because I love food, I always have. I have also been wanting to cut more and more. I feel constantly like I’m being judged by the stuff I like or how I dress to the point I don’t want to leave my room. I don’t like myself and I feel like a brat for it. I don’t want to tell anyone how I feel bcause it makes me seem like a brat, hell, even writing it on a anonymous blog makes me feel like a brat at this point just because people read it. ~Anon

 ♡ You will become stronger ♡