Latest Posts by rabbit-with-a-grapefruit-spoon - Page 5

Y’all can’t ship Bowuigi without first understanding what it will do to Kamek to have to sit across from the dude he kidnapped as a baby 3 times like 35 years ago at the dinner table

i vote that Coming Out Cakes should become commonplace.

when, for instance, a teen confides in their parents about their gender/sexual identity, that act of self-discovery and trust should be celebrated with a cake. or dinner out at their favorite restaurant. or both. show queer loved ones that you don't just love and support them--you also celebrate them. you celebrate them with cake.

This is their definition of 'brotherly bonding'

i vote we should be able to blaze other people's posts. as features go, it would cause havoc and distress and alienate this website's userbase. need i say more

fell asleep wondering how body disposal would work in a world were humans evolved more like turtles or giant clams, and had a thick carapace, huge and tougher than our current skeletal system. imagine how inconvenient it would be for a murderer trying to get rid of a body--how do u dispose of the giant fucking shell? also coffins would be a different shape, more like an ellipsoid? human skeletons usually take less than a century to disintegrate, but imagine if we had a exoskeleton that was prone to fossilization. the study of archeology would be very, very affected. also i assume we wouldn't be able to sleep on our backs anymore? how would beds be shaped. what would a world run by turtle-humans look like. would we cover our shells with fabric/clothing or decorate them like we do fingernails? or just straight up do airbrush art? would graffiti be a social issue? someone spray paints u while you're sleeping and u have to pay to have your shell professionally sandpapered? there are so many sociological implications

these are the thoughts that come to me at night

ok but have you ever seen a parked blimp?

why is this so goddamn funny

This is insane, I genuinely had not a clue. Like in no way does it make sense to me that Captain Marvel is that old, he really does just seem that modern. 

Absolutely wild that captain marvel (dc) is mere months younger than THE BATMAN.

Notably, he's also one of the first heroes to have an villain team featuring RECURRING VILLANS as opposed to the previous 'villain of the week' style.

Batman is one of the WORLD LEADING fictional heroes, he's one of the first too. This man has been roaming the streets of Gotham since BEFORE WORLD WAR 2. To hear that shazam was created and debuted mere months later is insane.

Batman: captain marvel, you have been spotted multiple times with this boy, *holds up a picture of Freddy*

Captain Marvel: oh yeah! That's Freddy :]

Batman: is he your sidekick?

Captain Marvel: no he's my boss :D

JL: *utter confusion*

When Billy Batson's identity gets exposed why doesn't he just... lie. Like, nothing else he comes up with is going to be more unbelievable than the homeless ten year old with a magical girl transformation that turns him into a giant himbo of an indestructible demigod. Just. Lie, Bill. No one is going to know the difference. If they didn't clock you then, they're not going to clock you now.

"I pissed off a witch and she cursed me. It gets overridden when I use my powers—you know, 'blessings of the gods' and all—but I haven't figured out how to get it totally off yet. Great for free ice cream tho."

"Billy Batson died five years ago and I'm the last figment of his imagination"

"C.C. and Marylin Batson stumbled across my tomb during a expedition and now I just look like this."

"I was created ten years ago from the ambient magic in the Rock of Eternity."

"I age really, really slowly."

"Zeus thought it would be funny."

"I made a bet with Klarion and lost."

"This is how I looked when I died."

"My species just ages like this. Are you telling me you don't? How was I supposed to know I should mention it!"

"You ever seen the movie Freaky Friday?"

"It's rude to ask a lady her age!"

("It's rude to what?!)

Martian Manhunter: Shazam, not to alarm you, but you have not breathed in 10 minutes.

Shazam; Whoops! I forget sometimes.

Martian Manhunter: It’s alright, I often forget to blink.

Batman:

What if instead of Billy lying about everyone in his civilian life, he just tells the truth but doesn’t say anything that would relate to his age.

So…

Barry: How come your always available, don’t you have like a job or a family at home?

CM: oh I’m homeless.

Barry: Oh- geez sorry big guy didn’t mean to—

CM: It’s fine. I’ve been like this ever since my parents died, my uncle stole my inheritance and kicked me out. Social Services don’t matter when their paid off and don’t necessarily care if I was still at my uncles.

Justice league:….

CM: Plus you can’t do much without a birth certificate or a social security number.

Dinah: What about school?

CM: oh yeah, had to drop out during 2nd grade. But Solomon tells me everything I need to know so it’s ok. : D

You know how kids will just walk up to you then say random shit or observations about you that they’ve made and walk away?

Captain Marvel does that to JL members.

But it’s laced with the wisdom of Solomon so while sometimes it’s normal, childlike observations or facts. Other times it’s shit no living human should or could ever know & before Billy reveals his identity, it actually works in his favor as JL members just chalk it up to the fact that the champion of magic is thought to be thousands of years old and not, like, 8.

But it’s stuff that ranges from childlike (these are real quotes):

- “Oh, I never noticed the color of your eyes, they’re pretty.” (Fairly normal)

- “You have weird bones, have you thought about getting them fixed?” (Slightly more worrying. cracked my back and the kid was very concerned.)

- “Don’t shoot the messenger tomorrow, it’ll shoot you back” (much more alarming. this was said to me with no context at all & the kid just walked away to go back and play with her friends. I don’t know if it’s a quote from a show or smth but that was the entire interaction she wanted to have)

Then there’s the random comments out loud laced with the wisdom of Solomon:

- “I miss the call of the Corythosaurus. It echoed through the mountains beautifully and will never be heard again” “Corythosaurus. Captain, isn’t that a dinosaur? Wait a moment how fucking old are you???”

- “Watch out for the earth trying to swallow you whole. make sure to tread lightly” (there’s gopher holes everywhere outside the zeta tube entrance but wisdom of Solomon won’t let Billy word it out as anything but as unhelpful as it can)

" You...Adopted...6 siblings?"

Diana nods, sunstream smile bright and golden on her lips. She proudly shows off pictures, too.

Three boys playing video games, one of them using his crutches to push the others away. " Freddy and Eugene love bothering Billy."

Another is Diana helping an adorable little cherub of a girl with outfits for her doll's world domination meeting. " Darla has such a rich imagination!"

Then there's her, helping a teenager with what looks to be her book report, as another boy serves them snacks. " Mary is a dedicated leader for her projects. Pedro enjoys cooking!"

" But...6?"

" I wasn't going to split them up! Families are strongest together! Billy wouldn't have accepted otherwise. He's a loyal, exceptional big brother. I couldn't ask for a better son."

Shazam blushes, to their confusion.

" And do they know about... You know. Mega hot Goddess guarding Earth thing, or are you just a regular milf?"

" Hal!"

" You all know what I'm about!"

" Not yet! I figure It'll come out at some point. But I enjoy being a parent. They've been a delight to have around. Parenthood is not the beast I expected."

Bruce laughs. Batman laughs. It's like watching something eerie and unnatural. Barry squints. " Am I...High? Did someone buy that brew that makes me spinny again?"

" You, - you think. This will be EASY."

Diana frowns, tilts her head like a confused puppy. " Well, yes. They've been very pleasant thus far. We haven't even argued, and they follow rules well, - "

Batman full on cackles now. Holding onto Superman's cape for support.

" I think they're very special! I'm sure they'll stay like this for longer than we all expect. They're very mature!"

They have to carry Batman away because he physically can't stand up. Diana doesn't particularly appreciate being laughed at, but the man's face deserves some happiness on it, so she'll take it.

Shazam approaches her after. " So, uh... Did you mean it? About - you know, those kids being..Good kids? Or something?"

" Of course! They're all unique and special in their own way. In fact, I have many examples of it. Billy allowed Darla to put him in a sparkly dress for the premiere of her movie and it is the sweetest act-"

" I got it! I got it," Shazam shuffles his fingers, looking younger than his massive height, asking for something that Diana recognizes but can't name,

" And... Just... You know - they're grateful for you. Even if they're going to be brats, or if they'll be angry and break rules and not listen to you...They appreciate you. A lot. I guess I just don't want you to regret them."

" I could never!" Diana is offended by the mere mention. " Children are people, and people will disappoint, and hurt. But they're so much more. I'll make mistakes, too. Hopefully I'll be mother enough to fix them."

" You are," Shazam tries to smile on his wobbly lips, before coughing around the emotion lumping his neck. " You're a great warrior. So you'll be a great mother."

" What's the difference?"

She doesn't know how Shazam figured out her favorite coffee mix, but she's grateful.

Green Lantern, panting: Holy shit, these guys just won’t quit-

Shazam: You want a Capri Sun?

Green Lantern: a what

Shazam: A Capri Sun.

Green Lantern: …

(Explosions and fighting in the distance)

Green Lantern: …what flavor

Young Justice: *does something stupid/dangerous*

Billy, as Captain Marvel: *frantically searches for an adult in the situation*

Billy:

Billy: oh shit, i'm the adult in the situation

Billy batson! And/or shazam!

just a normal transformation

"Bruce adopts Billy" this and "Clark adopts Billy" that, but let me tell you as someone who was an independently feral ten year old, Billy Batson would fucking bite them

Shazams got some strange villains

Shazam: Not that I want more villains in the world but damn I wish some of mine would just, I don’t know, rob a bank or have a silly gimmick or something! Like geez. 

Shazam: All of my villains want me dead or dissected! Just once I would like to stop a guy in a colourful costume with an silly name from stealing an artifact related to their gimmick.

The justice league: …………………

Shazam: And banter! I would kill to have some playful banter with my villains but none of them understand my references! They’re all either demons, aliens, old as balls or all three!! IT SUCKS!

The Justice League:……………….

Shazam: THEY THINK VINE IS JUST A PLANT!!!!!

Superman: Wait wait wait, what’s vine if not a plant???

Shazam: I didn’t even do anything to them they just hate me just because I exist or because of my proximity to the guy who gave me powers! I had no control over that!!

Shazam: If I got a list of terms and conditions that said accepting may result in literal demons that want to eat me and the guy who had the job first doing his best to see my head separated from my shoulders I might have reconsidered!!

Flash: Wait really???

Shazam: eh probably not, I can eat bullets now its pretty sick.

Shazam: Even if there were a list of terms and conditions I wouldn’t have read it lmao.

Batman: …Captain, did you not get a choice in your powers?

Zatanna: Hold on did you say demons are trying to EAT YOU?!?!?!

Do you ever think John Constantine contemplates his life choices upon realizing that he is, in fact, the sidekick to a ten-year-old (Billy Batson) and an fourteen-year old (Danny Fenton)?

Imagine Cap's identity reveal happening years later when he's already over 18. Like, they would have been working together for a whole decade, laughed together, cried together, introduced him to their spouses etc and then suddenly. Boom, lightning, and he's actually some college kid. The whole League immediately starts panicking and doing the math in their head while Billy's just like-

"Statue of limitations", with a shit eating grin preferably. Come on, he's been losing sleep over this for years, now's their turn to let it mess with their heads.

Imagine them calling it a day and going home, trying to relax after that hectic mess and then it suddenly hits them-

Clark staring at the ceiling in his pajamas, "I punched a 10 year old once. And really hard too."

Wally stress eating cereal, "I always liked the guy because I felt we were on the same wavelength. What does that say about me that I can hang with a literal sixth grader and not even mind? No, wait, don't answer that."

Arthur venting to Mara, "I had lengthy discussions trying to convince a twelve year old to go out for drinks, on multiple occasions."

Most of Young Justice, "he's younger than me and he's been the on-and-off again den mom for years!"

Shazam has a Twitter and everything he posts is just straight up lies but nobody can figure out if he has a super weird life or if he’s messing with all of them (it’s both)

Logically, I know that when League found out about Billy, he proceeded to act super mature and even manage to be the bigger person. However, if I was ten and a bunch of adults I trusted started yelling at me, I would start crying.

There is no real winning when your a shazam villain cause you ethier a grown ass adult beating the shit out of a 10 year old or getting the shit beat out of you by a 10 year old

I don’t know why but I find it immensely funny that the idea of John Constantine working with Billy Batson and/or Danny Fenton. People believing they are HIS sidekicks, when in reality, he is THEIR sidekick. 

Batman: This undercover mission is highly critical, I expect everyone to come undercover as civilians.

Shazam, raising his hand: uh

Batman: You don’t have to raise your hand. We are all adults here.

Shazam: Cool cool- good to know. Anyways, my suit doesn’t come off.

Superman: what

Green Arrow: How the fuck does that work.

Shazam: It’s kinda just glued on?

I love when people make posts and head cannons about Billy being just a little weirdo and none of the leaguers know what to make of him. 

Like he just casually mentions that a wizard gave him god powers, like that’s a normal thing, can wizards even do that???? 

he can speak any dead language you can think of but his handwriting is atrocious in all languages and he types with his pointer fingers.

he can hold his own against superman but only has like three villains he fights on the regular?? those being a caterpillar, an old man and a guy with his costume and powers but in black??

he just looks weirdly like an archeologist that died mysteriously like eight years ago, they’re not the same person (probably) but its still weird right??? 

he has a tiger??? named tawky tawny??? not sure if its a magic tiger or just a tiger but he’s there sometimes??? 

one of his villains is a caterpillar with glasses and a voice box? he says its really an alien from Venus that can control peoples minds but its also still the size of a caterpillar?? Its one of his greatest adversaries apparently. 

he always bumps into things a lot, almost like he’s not totally aware of his size.

he claims his powers come from gods but knows almost nothing about them. 

he sometimes brings up the rock of eternity like its a normal thing???? the magic users say its an ancient epicentre of magic but he says its just a dingy old cave in a subway??

Billy Batson can never grow up because it's just not funny. Like oh, this guy says a magic word and then transforms into a slightly buffer guy? I am snoring. I am tossing the comic away in disgust. He's gotta be a little guy. He's gotta be a little shit. He's gotta be an angelic ten year old. He's been to juvie. He doesn't understand taxes. He could kill a man. He chooses not to. He still sleeps with a stuffed animal. If a League member yells at him he will cry. He'll leave them contemplating their own existence. He'll put shaving cream in their shoes.

Billy trying to figure out why villains keep throwing glowing green rocks at him and then being surprised when nothing happens and he rocks their shit so one day he brings like a backpack full of Kryptonite up to the Watchtower to ask Batman what the fuck it is only to nearly kill Superman on accident

Okay, I just have a realisation, so we seen Damien and Danny as twins, we seen Dick and Danny as twins, heck we even have seen Tim and Danny being sort of twins as well

But you know what we haven’t seen????

I present to you my headcanon:

Billy Batson and Danny being twins