When Billy Batson's Identity Gets Exposed Why Doesn't He Just... Lie. Like, Nothing Else He Comes Up

“Link, I heard a girl’s voice call out to me when I fell. It felt oddly familiar..” “…”

*old man yaoi-s your maxley*

i don’t see that much content of them being older dudes in the 2020s soooooo i made an au (and things here are subject to change!)

their ages are based on the idea that max was born in 1981 (he was 11 in goof troop) and that bradley was a senior when they first met. my friends and i had to curate an entire timeline by consulting the transcript and (fanon and personal) headcanons

Black Canary: Hey cap how come all of your villains keep calling you weirdly infantilizing insults?

Green arrow: Yeah that savana guy is so condescending to you, he didn’t act nearly as bad to us and Black Adam calls you brat and baby man.

Captain Marvel: *lying through his ass* oh that? That’s bc sometimes my villains try to depower me to figure out my secret identity because I take a different form when I’m not using my powers. When they actually manage to succeed I have a magic fail safe that at the last second it turns me into a little boy so they don’t actually discover my secret identity. They legitimately think I’m a twelve year old.

Batman, eyes narrowing: Why a twelve year old?

Captain Marvel, bullshiting: It’s the only spell I found that doesn’t turn me into something like a rabbit or mouse. I would rather be a kid than cat food, at least people try to help screaming kids.

Green Arrow: …That’s fucking genius

Wonder Woman, suddenly: I want to see Baby Marvel now

Captain Marvel: *internally* oh no.

whenever i saw jondami i kept getting deja vu and i finally figured out why

Persephone captain marvel au. Hear me out.

Associated with duality, reincarnation, resurrection, childhood innocence (and it getting ripped away by adults), and her 'counterpart' Kore, which is her in her returning aspect of spring, youthfulness, new life... Come on. Is that not the closest thing to Billy you've ever seen in ancient Greece? Where he gets his powers?

It all starts with Teth Adam, and his devastation at the death of his son. He finds the old paths, breaks them open, and storms down into the underworld to demand him back. His is not a new story.

But where Persephone might ordinarily be inclined to ease her husband's scorn, give the troubled mourner a chance, she is speaking to the champion of magic, the world's mightiest mortal. The chance of success is too high. The challenge would not be enough. The death was too high profile and would risk too many attempting to follow in his footsteps. The man is too unstable, too powerful, too close to the heart of magic for it to be safe - for any of him - to grant his wish and risk his false hope.

They deny him.

Enraged, implacable, Teth Adam lashes out. The battle is long and drawn out, neither side tiring even as both weaken, but Persephone, in either form, is not one of war, and she is felled as her curses shatter, her furies tossed aside like dolls. The sound of Hades' scream as Adam's surprise leaves him open flattens the rubble of their throne room.

The wounded champion escapes, hounded by cerberus and skeletons instead of his son's shade, as her husband crashes to his knees beside her. She has not a mortal soul, and thus will be going where even Death cannot reach.

But Adam killed the goddess of reincarnation, and Billy has odd dreams. He's pretty sure he needs to ease up on the stress. He's restless in winter and distracted in summer, he can sleep outside in howling storms as long as he's tucked snug in the boughs of a tree, he's had the luck of never tasting a rotten fruit. Sometimes it feels like there's ghosts in his hideouts and the kids at school try and bribe him to curse their enemies.

When he chosen to be Captain Marvel the wizard chokes on his own speech when the smoke clears. They stare at each other.

"Well," says Persephone, "that was unexpected. Hullo."

"Hello," the wizard replies, "I was under the impression..."

"I don't think the laws of interference quite apply until I'm immortal again," he says.

The wizard's relief is palpable. It's understandable, he looks ready to keel over from old age. "Can I ask...?" he gestures at the new body. It takes a second to understand.

"Oh, I'm a boy now. For a while."

And that's that.

Until green lantern is killed in battle.

Anger management au but Danny hates Jason on sight. Not because he's undead or liminal or any of that. But because he's dating his sister and he doesn't approve.

Jason is both impressed and amused that this teenage twink keeps threatening him up to the point Jason asks, "Oh? What are you going to do?"

And suddenly Jason is in a wall. Not knocked through it, no. But in the wall. As in hes been densist shifted into it. Jason isn't even sure how he's alive all things considered and Danny is refusing to let him out.

It isn't until Jazz gets home and asks, "Uh, why is my boyfriend in the wall?" That Danny, with much reluctance, let's her boyfriend go

Jason likes this kid. He's not letting Bruce anywhere near him.

Billy: is consistently on time for his monitor duty, consistently arrives for meetings promptly, makes sure to call in whenever he can when he knows he might not be available for a day or more, tries to memorize procedures, and is friendly to the other JL members

Other JL members: Cap is really nice, and you can always count on him to help out the best he can if you’re struggling.

Billy, an actual child: This is great. I’m going to get a good grade in coworker, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve.

I am far too sleep deprived for this shit  it’s 2 in the morning and my brain randomly said to me “Zoolander just got a husbandry update” do I know what this means no, do I particularly care right now also no, is this phrase now gonna haunt me for the rest of my life wondering what the fuck it means absolutely of fucking course it is

but a simple country mouse as me must only find these wishes in fitful dreams.

Exert from ‘Me Being Overdramatic to My Friend at 1:30am’