Learning How To Make Things Pretty With Laser Engraving :D (pewpew)

Am I gonna apologize for not posting? Ever? NAaaah. xD I rarely have time to draw while I'm away for work and when I'm home I'd rather MAKE STUFF. Even then I have to make annoyingly hard choices about what to work on cos I just can't do everything I want, weh

Buuut here's some semi-recent Jak & Daxter fanart I'm probably not going to finish cos I don't have tiiiiiime :C Fuzzy little douche was very fun to draw tho

I've been struggling with what feels like, to me, a severe chronic art block for most of my adult life. I can and will go MONTHS without drawing, sometimes farting out occasional barebones idea doodles, but sometimes drawing absolutely nada. When I was younger up until my late teens I had this burning drive to create ALL DAY ERRYDAY with ridiculously large body of work strewn behind me (so much that I have lost more than I've ever had and its still a ton), peaking very early in terms of skill level through the sheer brute force of practice and study... but burning motivations led to burnout. I don't actually blame being TOO driven to create (no such thing dammit!) leading to the burnout, BUT I think some forms of motivation are more sustainable than others. I was driven by ambition, belligerence, more than a little fear. Not so healthy.

I've learned that it's not simple laziness because the "draw anyway" strategy of overcoming art block has NEVER worked for me. The more I push through a block with sheer willpower the more miserable I become, and the only reason I create at all is because it's a source of joy! I have arranged my life in ways to protect this, and is a major reason I have steered away from turning art into a career. There are a lot of IRL factors that I don't really want to elaborate on here (depression is a major one, however), but art doesn't happen in a vacuum, and an artist's life has to have SOME stability in order to have the surplus time and energy to actually draw/paint/compose/write/craft. My own psychic resources have simply been too scarce, I haven't been able to afford to spend those resources on creative projects. Its a Hierarchy of Needs thing. Once Food/Shelter/Safety has been taken care of, I'm spent. There is no surplus.

Annoyingly, fangirling sometimes injects some extra energy and if I then also have the time I just start scrawling fan art uncontrollably (if the fangirling is intense enough you can bet I will MAKE the time! There is NO stopping The Feels). But it's a sugar high and as soon as it's over the art stops too, independently of my desire to actually FINISH anything either (this is the worst part for me, guilt and frustration are the sugar coma, tho the pattern did help me identify the various sources of creative energy).

I dunno how to sum this up. To make art you gotta have an idea. Then the energy to translate the idea out of your soul, and the time/materials to make the actual piece. The spark, the fuel, and the engine. My flavor of art block is akin to running on fumes. Most discussions of art block seem to revolve around the missing spark/faulty ignition. I don't know if this comes off as self-pitying I SURE HOPE NOT but! I do believe I know what steps I need to take in my life to do something about this, so. I'm working on it. Talking about this stuff makes me very uncomfortable but I think it's important. Plus this is an art blog and well, I guess I feel a need to explain myself when I don't post any art??

In the meantime I work hard to not be too mad at myself for lack of productivity (especially when I used to be disgustingly prolific) cos that's an energy-spending exercise not a refueling one.

Artists!! How do you deal with art block, or periods of depression? (Do you deal at all?) Researching my dissertation, scary stuff.

GET IN ON THIS, IM MAKING A POSTERRRRR

✦❤✦ THE KICKSTARTER FOR AGENTS OF THE REALM HIT ITS FUNDING GOAL ✦❤✦

Gosh gosh gosh!! Thank you all SO MUCH for your support so far!! Last night the Kickstarter managed to hit it’s initial funding goal of 17K! The kickstarter campaign, however, is still running and will remain running until March 2nd so I’ve got LOTS of stuff planned for the extra funds to go towards!

Are you looking for an easy way to show your Magical Girl pride? If the Kickstarter hits 20K, I’ll be getting 1.5″ Enamel metal pins made so you can let the world know exactly how magical you are!

If the Kickstarter passes that…

Everyone who pledges in the tiers $50 and above will get a chance to upgrade in order to get their hands on limited edition prints made by these wonderful artists! I was lucky enough to get @wscottforbes, @quantumqstar and @mattahan to agree to create absolutely gorgeous artwork in honor of Agents of the Realm. I’ve been getting peaks at the works done so far and let me tell you, you’ll definitely want to get your hands on them!

From there, the funds will be going towards making the book even more shiny and magical than it already is!

Hitting 40K means everyone who pledged in $30 or above gets their softcovers upgraded to be foil embossed!! Talk about a perfectly fitting upgrade.

And the last stretch goal is a Foil Hardcover Upgrade available for everyone who pledged in tiers $50 and above! 

The campaign still has 22 days left! Let’s keep this ball rolling!

Checky Watertank, Billings, MT

What college did you go to to learn how to be such a fantastic artist? And what was your major?

ahaha I don't know what you're talking about, I was a fantastic artist way before college *snortsnortsnort*

In SLIGHTLY more seriousness, I never finished college and part of the reason was because I felt like I wasn't learning anything (except how to be pretentious), I had professors looking at my work and asking me why I was bothering, and struggling with a severe depression ended up losing my scholarship, the only way I could afford to go to such an expensive school (Carnegie Mellon University).

... Though hindsight is 20/20 and honestly my mistake was majoring in Fine Art, it was a terrible fit. Still dealing with some residual bitterness to this day, for an idea of my Opinions on the matter I recommend the movie Art School Confidential, it mirrors my experience pretty accurately!

Been stumbling through months and months of frustrating art constipation where my drawing attention span is just not even there, and my ability to simply draw anyway has been faltering? Normally I don't sweat this and if drawing is too hard I just take a break from it but that hasn't been an option this year (I am SO poor you guys)

Doodling a fun thing yesterday I thought would get me more motivated and excited about drawing but even then I just constantly felt like stopping! Today I am workin on another commission and its a bit of the same story. BLARRHHHHhh

Anywaaaaay. This is Megla she is a unicorn faun and I want to make a costume for my best friend, pretty much every time I design a random character Im like DUDE THIS NEEDS TO BE A COSTUME I'm totally gonna do it ok it's gonna have glowing sparkly hair and tail (leds and fiber optic threads) and digigrade legs (I found some tutorials!) and its gonna be so awesome XD I notice when I have artblock its not so much creative block so much as I wanna do something else I wanna make stuff :E But crafts have waaay more overhead when I make money I have to buy food instead of art supplies

When creating/designing anything- fantasy races, settings, clothes- do you prefer to try isolate them from this world and let your imagination flow by itself or do you like to do things like deliberately draw from history, base cultures off other cultures, places off other places, etc?

I would say a mixture of both but I think it's SO important to make the distinction that creativity doesnt happen in a vaccuum ever, springing forth purely from mysterious dark recessess of your mind, everything you think of has a previous frame of reference. I feel as an artist (and ahem as a human being) the goal is to learn and study as much as possible, collect as many experiences as possible, stuff that into your mental reference library and a creative inspiration will do the rest. Even ideas that pop into my conscious are never fully formed, so it is often at that point I work on it more systematically. What are my goals for the idea, what interests me about it, how can I make the idea more effective.

I think maybe an example could illustrate this best? I've been working on a sort of fairytale thing, it's based on a dream I had that had a couple of characters (a singing robot guy, and two witch princesses) but not much else to go on if it would be made into a story, which I totally felt needed to happen as soon as I woke up! So I started with the character, and the starting "facts" of them. And then I had to decide the type of story I wanted, and the tone (fairytale! cute and romantic... possibly... a love story). Then the ideas for setting and genre were important (if one of the characters is a robot, and there are also shenanigans involved that are suspiciously magical, well then let's go with steampunk. Ottoman Empire steampunk). New characters are developed to serve the needs of plot (a protagonist/other half of love equation was needed, so I created Edie and made her a mechanic), and once those things are figured out I start doing lots more research to fill in all worldbuilding details (this is not important to the story at all.. maybe... lol sometimes I am so torn about what is plot relevant or not- but I made up a country for the alternate history timeline and the reasons for its existence, its political system, economy, and culture) so that in the end, everything involved in this imaginary story and world and people is actually coherent. That helps the emotional aim of the work to feel more true, even in fantastical settings and situations. Sometimes the setting is closer to "reality" ( near or distant future perhaps, historical fantasy, urban fantasy, parallel universe), sometimes not as close (making a world from scratch, decidedly NOT in our universe, totally different laws of physics apply- or don't apply- its misleading to think that this type is simpler and requires less research; but that's a whole looooooong extra thing to talk about imo).  Either way, things have to make their own type of sense or the story won't be as engaging. If art is self-expression and you are communicating, it's about being a good communicator, making a connection.

BLA BLA PREACH PREACH. Point being is that this is a both/and thing, but also niether. Creativity is problem solving. When its in the form of art instead of say, engineering or even design, people make out the process to be more mysterious and abstract but my personal view on this is that it's not really different, its just that the problems art (and philosophy, etc) try to address are more emotional and existential.

I don't know if I'm making any sense :( But that's how I feel about it and I articulate it as best I can man this ended up long and rambly

It's interesting to learn that you are hypersensitive. I, for one, have been enjoying your art for a very long time. What I don't understand is that there are people out there that would die for your talent, yet you are nervous about sharing your art. To me, artists who are that good shouldn't be shy about their work... So stop being shy about it! :)

... I had to sit with this for a while.

This... I get that it comes from a place of good intentions, and that's nice, the sentiment is nice. But I'm not here for it, because like you said, you don't understand. I'm well aware that my opinions are strange but they're opinions about MYSELF and you're essentially telling me how to feel about myself and that's really unfair. And unrealistic? Emotions don't work that way. (You have a feeling? ITS WRONG. FEEL DIFFERENTLY) I will defend anyone's right to their feelings and it took my entire life to learn how to defend my own. I feel these misunderstandings boil down to a few things.

1. A view that my difficulties in sharing stem from an insecurity, or that I take my skills for granted in some way.

Not the case. I was hesitating as usual to say anything because I didn't want to make any artists who have yet to reach a similar skill level feel bad, but I don't want anyone laying that at my feet ok? (die for my talent?? How do I NOT construe that as a guilt trip D:) NO artist gets where they're at by taking their talent for granted. But lets not pretend I got where I am skillwise without pouring a ton of my blood/sweat/tears/years/life/soul/time/energy/everything into developing said skills. Art is a SKILL. I don't really want to have the skill vs. talent argument but if you're wondering what side of the fence I am on, its that side.

2. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE

Aaaaaaaahhaaaa. Augh. Really tho. Like I said I wasn't always this way but I've had a lot of experiences (unrelated to art) that have made me a very closed off, private person. I've been called selfish, but I don't see how making things for myself in order to cope and then... keeping those things... is selfishness and not self-care. Do you ask a starving person to share what little food they have with someone who is just sort of hungry and will be fine without it? I hate using that comparison but if you follow artists on tumblr I'm sure you get plenty of nice stuff to look at on your dash, you'll be fine without my stuff on there all the time. I DO try, otherwise I wouldn't have artblog at all.

Serious Question: What if the hypersensitivity is the REASON for said ability? Two sides of the same coin. I've read some things that link sensitivity and creativity and if that is the case for me then would it still make sense to push me to be somehow different? I DO know artists who are VERY talented/skilled and don't have these struggles, and I also know artists who have struggled with serious huge ego problems too. I'm not trying to say it's gotta be one or the other, but maybe at extremes, its gosh I dunno, harder to be balanced about these things. I do occasionally dabble in arrogant snobbery but I can keep it to myself.

I feel some type of way about this. :/

grabendolch said: Hey there, what’s that second tool panel just next to your taskbar? it looks like it’s from some art program but not a part of SAI

It's called Paint Dock, it's for slate PCs (samsung series 7 & asus eee slate) to make drawing programs actually useable. I have spent... a while... since getting my eee slate trying to basically work as something where I can be a couch potato digital artist :p WHICH REMINDS ME I did intend to properly review the computer. At least a little :p

Downside is that the harddrive is seriously 64GB. I bought a 120GB to replace it with but I'm not quite ready to bust open a $1k machine yet!! I did get a 128GB sd card for it though (yes they totally make those now!) which is enough to cram all my art-related stuff on so I'm good. The other downside is that the drivers are REALLY fussy and it took ages for me to get pressure sensitivity working properly and across different programs. I got it working in SAI and Photoshop, I haven't got it to work with Inkscape though I don't want to mess with it anymore. A few times I lost pressure sensitivity at the drop of a hat and the last time I spent FOUR HOURS uninstalling and reinstalling drivers to get it working again UGH. I was able to carefully write down all the steps I took this time so hopefully that will do the trick. The pressure curve utility makes it good enough for painting, it only has 250 levels of sensitivity compared to 2000+ on the intuous tablets but so far it's been good enough for me. My hand gets crampy a little more often due to having to press a bit harder (less sensitive means its harder to get really really light strokes) but I think with tweaking the settings a bit further I can get that a little better too!

The other other downside is that the MSRP is $1000 but for the most part it's only available for $1400, I got super lucky and it was $1k at the microsoft store but it's not anymore last I checked (plus getting it thru them it came with win7 ultimate and no bloatware!). It's definitely worth it at that price... at the higher price ehhhh, I'D still have bought it but that is what being a couch potato digital artist is worth to me XD becase it's basically a laptop w/o a keyboard it is a TRUE digital sketchbook that is fast enough to run photoshop! So yeah. it's awesome.

indigogrim replied to your post: Stuff like this is pretty livejournal ...

The more you practice performing and sharing your art with people the easier it gets.

Thiiiiissss is what I'm talkinbout tho? One would assume 10+ years of trying would be enough to tell if such a thing is gonna work out or not D: I'm reeeaally reaching right now trying to decide if it ever got any easier during that decade of effort and fffffnnnnghmaybe? BUT worth it? That I am even less sure about. Cos when I draw something and I finish I'm good. It's like welp, got a thing out of my head, done, satisfied. Might show a friend or two if they're online at the time. Its a little easier with fanart because fangirling and FEEEELS. But meeeehhh? WHY should I continue to push for it, is what I want to ask. I never got much reason other than because people wanna see? And that's not motivational enough?... sorry...? The inspiration to others thing is but again only sometimes because that's not whyyyyy I do this, so when I struggle to share and can't, then I just feel ashamed and as I said, I'm done with that. 

adrhaze replied to your post: 

You can always become a secret artist with a pseudonym and just keep yourself in the shadows while letting your work speak for you. The masked artist! Or maybe an agent? It works for banksy and a lot of writers.

I have totally considered a pseudonym! At least for writing, if I ever actually finished anything fff. For visual art I don't think Banksy is a good example, being mysterious brings EXTRA attention... (besides doesn't he have an entire crew helping him out...?) Musically I sure love Daft Punk's thing but man how much harder would it be to start doing something like that nowadays? Anonymity is kind of impossible. I'm already probably as secret as I could even be :C

Thing is though, I love musical theater best. Like I LIVE for Cirque du Soleil shows (only time something has ever made me cry just because it was so beautiful), and I did a lot of that stuff when I was a kid. But you really have to put yourself out there for it. Collaborating with a bunch of people to create something thats so many kinds of art all at the same time that no single person could pull off is just the greatest feeling. SO its easier when its a group thing too, a cast and crew can be a really supportive kind of artist family. I made costumes and props and magic tricks, I danced at festivals, I played in band etc. Stopped doing all that stuff publicly when I was 15ish for mostly angsty teenager reasons, though one year I did audition for a musical and that was the last damn time I sang outside of the shower or alone in the car and let me tell you I was ASTRONOMICALLY outside of my comfort zone there, woosh. (but I admit I wasn't satisfied doing ONLY crew cos I gotta daaaaance) After that I would say... a lot of things happened that made life a little bit tougher and I had to lean on my art for emotional support. I don't feel like sharing stupid life story stuff but I mean, maybe some people can at least relate to the idea that you might need oh I dunno, a stable life (one where you don't use up all your energy just trying to survive, for whatever reason. I mean this very broadly cos everyone has struggles) before you can do extra stuff like art. And art is usually in the category of extra stuff. When I had enough spoons left in the day to draw I still wouldn't have enough to deal with the kind of ridiculousness artists online tend to have to deal with. I hope I make sense.

Things are better for me now though which is a big reason this nonsense is on my mind actually.