The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

It's really, really hot out, everyone. The heat is oppressive all across the country, and we here in Chicago have our very own Heat Advisory in effect until 10pm tonight. 10 pm! That is long after the sun will go down!

So, to bring you a little relief from the beating rays of Apollo's golden carriage, peruse these pictures of some excellent animals being the opposite of hot. Click the pictures to enlarge them and get really into the whole Eisbaer experience.

Bridging the Gap - On Filling the Pop Culture Lull

The gap between summer and fall, from about mid-August to late-September, is big old lull, pop-culturally speaking. All the summer programming is over, but the news shows haven’t started and the old shows haven’t picked back up. All the summer blockbusters have long since been released, and the critically acclaimed films gearing up towards awards-season are sitting in the pot.

So what’s a bear to do? Hibernate? I think not. Here are my recommendations of how to efficiently fill your time in the Pop-Culture Lull.

1) Books - There are no fewer than five books on my nightstand right now that I am either half-way through or am borrowing from a friend who insisted I read them (four months ago). But summer caught up with me and the books got put aside for the beach and festivals and concerts and movies. So use this time to finally finish Game of Thrones, book 2, “A Clash of Kings”, or read “The Fault in Our Stars” so you can finally give it back to your friend who just wants to talk about Hazel and August Waters with you!

                            2) Podcasts - In the past, I’ve only listened to podcasts while on my commutes, but in the past month, I’ve discovered several new, great podcasts that help pass the time cooking, cleaning, or just sitting around. They can be purely entertaining (try Pop My Culture Podcast, or Pop Culture Happy Hour), they can be enlightening (try This American Life, or The Moth), they can be in-depth portraits of actors, writers, or musicians (try WTF? with Marc Maron, or Doug Loves Movies), or they can be any number of other things. The best part is that the vast majority of podcasts are 100% free, so open up the podcast tab in iTunes and subscribe to a few that most peak your specific interests. 

                        3) Classic Films – My regular readers know how derelict I am in my knowledge of the top classic films. But this isn’t just me; most of us have a pop-culture blind-spot. A classic thing that it seems EVERYONE ELSE LIVING has seen, but we haven’t. Netflix has all of the modern classics readily available, but they also have every film on the AFI Top 100 Movies of All Time (click through here for the full list). This is a great time to finally watch Citizen Kane, Vertigo, Gone with the Wind, and clear up that blind-spot.

                      4) Start a new TV show on Netflix – While you wait for your old favorite shows to start up once again, pick up something new that everyone has been imploring you to watch for months, or possibly years. If I had a nickel for every time someone has literally yelled at me to watch “Breaking Bad”, I would be a rich lady indeed. You can check out that show, "Sherlock", "Louie", and tons more current, popular show on Netflix instant. Or go the classic route like with your movies. All eleven seasons of “Frasier” are also on instant, which is a beautifully crafted comedy that I bet you’ve overlooked with prejudgments. “Firefly” likewise is a great, short-lived TV show from the brilliant brain of Joss Whedon, who, you know, recently earned all the money for a little film called “the Avengers” so…credentials…

     5) Revisit Old Favorites – Do you have all the seasons of the Simpsons on DVD? What about the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy with extended editions and commentary? How about the Colin Firth, BBC mini-series of “Pride and Prejudice”? Get down with your old favorites that you haven’t devoted time to in a while! You miss them and you don’t even know. You want to cry over the perfection of Mr. Darcy and you really want to spend almost a full day in the world of Middle Earth.

     If you can’t successfully utilize any of these to help pass the time from limbo to full-blown media overload, I don’t know what to do with you. Take a walk? Maybe? Who knows? But, hopefully any/all of these things will fill that void and successfully carry you through, and who knows, maybe open up a new pop-culture addiction. Which you can never have too many of, honestly.

AFI Challenge: 1 Year, 100 Movies

In 1997, AFI came out with a list called "100 Years...100 Movies" celebrating and ranking the top 100 American films of all time, but more realistically since film was created. On the tenth anniversary they updated the list to include especially groundbreaking films, like Titanic and Lord of the Rings, that had since been released since.

                             It is considered the definitive and most comprehensive list on the great American films, so of course this means I've seen a paltry 22 out of 100. A whopping five of those that I have seen are in the Top 10, but at the end of the day, I'm derelict in how many of these important films I've seen.

Paired with my great cooking passion, I've taken on the challenge of watching all these 100 movies over the course of one year, and cooking a special dish to go along with each.

Now, it is important to note that I "started" in October with #100 Ben-hur which is 3 hours and 42 minutes, and thusly, took me 4 months to finish. A post detailing the meal and movie will follow shortly, but we're starting the task from when I finished the tale of old Judah Ben-hur on Saturday, February 25, 2012.

Hold me accountable, internet! And check in to see what I've been eating and watching and for regular Polar Bear posts!

Henley Monday - 

I'm both hungover from alcohol from the whole weekend and from eating an insane amount of delicious food last night. So my witty commentary synapses are not firing at top speed.

Blake Griffin is super duper hot and tall and ginger and, true to his nickname, looks like a lion. A sexy, sexy, basketball playing, funny commercial making lion.

And he looks good in a henley. Thanks, Blake Griffin.

How surprised are you that Marquel is still around? Not just because The Bachelor is usually...well. But because of his jester ways and picnic table shirts too.

"HIS JESTER WAYS"!!!!!!!! That's amazing.

YES. Yes. What in the hell is he still doing there? I think his days are definitely numbered. When he literally just sat on that couch and made her stand up in her formal gown "to teach her some self-defense moves" I thought for sure that was his kiss of death because WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT? But poor little Tasos went home instead. Although Tasos' time was up for sure. He was not up to snuff.

I'm coming for ya Marquel...just you wait....

Female Empowerment Friday - 

Is this going to become a regular thing? I dont know! You tell me! But for right now just listen to this kick ass song sung by two kick ass women and feel empowered and feel open to all the love you deserve because you probably don't give yourself enough credit and DAMMIT you should!

Listen to it once for the sheer amazingness of the vocals, then listen to it again for comprehension. Take it all in and go out into the world like you f***ing own because you do, you woman of strength, power, and beauty.

Henley Wednesday -

Good day everyone! You're halfway through the work week as of noon so congrats! You did it. As a reward, feast your eyes on this British, henley wearing gentleman of your dreams.

It's Mattew Lewis aka Neville Longbottom from the Harry Potter films and every single time I see a picture of him looking so handsome and debonaire I am shocked, SHOCKED that he is the same person as this:

In fact, I found the top insanely attractive shot him in this amazing BuzzFeed Article because it's important to site your sources.

Henley Monday - Hey, everybody, it's been a minute over here with the regular posts, and I apologize. But we're not here to talk about that. We're here to ogle the crap out of my number one beef cake extraordinaire, Chris Evans. In the first pic, we observe a woman living out the idle fantasies of her id by reaching out to touch his Henley clad form, and in the latter, Chris leaning back as if to admonish yet with an encouraging, impish smirk. The third picture is not a Henley at all but DAMN, SON, ROCK THAT BLACK CREW NECK. That's all. Love and light to you and yours.

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

"There's a difference between being honest and being an asshole."

We. Are. Back. Yes that’s right folks we are back for round two of this week’s double dose of the Bachelor. One day later, one day wiser, one day of hating Juan Pablo more. Tonight is the famous Fantasy Suite episode where sex is the issue around which all conversations tip-toe. If the previews haven’t mislead us, tonight’s episode should be chock full of juicy stuff, and I also I can see myself getting very caps-y. Strap in tight. Grab your wine. Let’s do this thing.

  This week we are in St. Lucia: a beautiful Caribbean oasis with tropical flora and crystal clear waters. Juan Pablo starts us off by saying, “OH St Lucia you are beauuuutiful.” Clare is up first for the full day plus overnight dates. Juan Pablo has already mentioned “no cameras” several times because he’s very excited for “no cameras”. They get into a dinghy and zip across the sea to a yacht. Clare is telling us, in a very exuberant manner, that she is honestly not sure if she will accept the overnight date if it’s offered to her. 

Really Clare? You’re nervous about spending the night again with a man when the last time you did it you were publically slut-shamed by both the show and the man you’re “so in love with”? Sounds about right. Even as they swim in perfect blue water, Clare tells us again how nervous she is. “The fantasy suite might not be for me,” she says. We’ll just see.

We move right along to the dinner date which will ultimately lead into the presentation of the fantasy suite card aka an invitation for SEX. LET’S ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SEX HAPPENS BETWEEN ADULTS, THE BACHELOR. Ahem, in any case, Clare actually looks beautiful. She’s wearing this flowing white maxi dress. Say what you will about her, and believe me I have, but she is always styled immaculately.

Over dinner they talk about how much Clare wants to meet Camila and be a big part of her life. While Juan Pablo says her name “ca-mee-la” Clare says “ca-mil-a” which makes me laugh every time because that is the name of Gonzo the Muppet’s chicken girlfriend. Camila. The Muppet Chicken.

The date card is presented! Clare demures by giving a big speech about how it matters what Camila sees and how she feels about it all. But Juan Pablo is like “haha it don’t matter. I just really wanna bone you.” And so Clare is like “As long as we’re on the same page.” So they go to the fantasy suite because OBVIOUSLY.

“Everything he’s said to trust him about, I trust him,” Clare tells us as they enter a beautiful and white suite. She is gearing herself up to tell him that she loves him. They sit on a white couch and sip champagne, and he grabs her ear. He grabs her ear and keeps petting it. Don’t touch my ears! Then he gently pokes and caresses her face, and I’m dry heaving. Finally he drags it out of her that Clare is “loving falling in love with you.”

“Come here. It’s ok,” he says. I hate this guy. Then they have sexy hot tub time. “He’s that man that I want to have babies with. That I want to get married to. And I’ve never felt that before,” shares Clare. So that’s where they are at. Have at it, you two. At this point you deserve each other.

But the date we’ve all been waiting for is happening right now. Andi is up. Juan Pablo is so excited and says that Andi is just one of those people that you talk to and have chemistry with. Foreshadow. They walk around a place called the Denner Seafood Fiesta. They learn to play the steel drums. They buy street food. They sit down at a picnic table and make friends with little local kids. They offer them food and the kids say no to food from strangers because they are smart. Juan Pablo further belittles them by buying them juice. Oh and then they all play a pickup soccer game. “It’s like a little romance mixed with some culture. What more could you ask for on a date?” Andi asks. I don’t know, Andi. A man on that date who can think?

Then they hop in a land buggy, drive through the jungle, and then take a short jungle hike to yet another waterfall! Waterfalls are their thing, y’all. They share a little picnic and seem to share some actual good conversation about what happened at the hometown. Then they have sexy waterfall times. 

Over dinner, Juan Pablo wants to take the time to address something Andi said during hometowns. She allegedly said that she “badly” wants to fall in love, and he’s concerned that she’s forcing it. And he doesn’t want that. She clarifies though that she just wants to make sure that she is in fact in real love with him before entering into the role of mother into Juan Pablo’s family. He accepts this answer, and for now everything still seems very lovey-dovey on both sides.

“This is my life, and I don’t want to make a mistake. And I don’t want to regret it later,” he tells her. And while those sentiments are certainly true, they don’t have the delicacy they maybe should. They talk more and more about just what the other person is thinking. He says she’s not sure if she could be a good mother yet. “I don’t know these things.  That’s why I have an overnight with you tonight so we can talk about those things,” he tells Andi. 

She accepts the fantasy suite card signed with love from Chris Harrison. What a load of boloney that farce of Chris Harrison hand-writing these cards is. We all know it’s some P.A.’s job, Bachelor!

“Waking up this morning, I’m so happy. We frickin’ talked and laughed for hours! HOURS!” Juan Pablo beams to camera. He even thinks Andi could possibly be the one.

Smash cut to Andi walking down a path in a black maxi dress. “Waking up this morning, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite,” she says, “I thought that I was falling in love because I had genuine feelings for Juan Pablo, but the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like.”

She tells us how she’d had concerns all along, but had pushed them aside because the times they spent together, they did have a good “connection. But then Andi launches into a laundry list of reasons why Juan Pablo was being a downright d-bag on her overnight. Anytime she tried to talk about something personal, he interrupted; he was name dropping; he talked about his overnight with Clare. “I’m not an idiot. I’m well aware of the situation, but I don’t need him to tell me about an overnight date with someone else when I didn’t even ask,” she says. “He doesn’t get it clearly. He has no filter. And him having no filter just comes across as him not caring.”

“It’s extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself.” Wow. Andi you rule. I love that she is being 100% honest. There is no sugar coating on her words whatsoever in how much she is not into this guy. He is narcissitic and kind of dumb and she is done with him thinking he can get away with just being “cute” and having everyone fall in love with him. She questions why she was so blind and is sad that she feels like she wasted so much time with someone she knows will never be a good partner to her. Girl, I feel you. But don’t beat yourself up about it too much. I think I speak for all of womankind when I say we have all fallen for a guy only to realize very abruptly that they were terrible, awful, horrible, no-good very bad men.

And in that light, this is maybe the first time we’re getting to see one of the women have this realization in real-time. I’m sure that there have been more than a few finalists who, after leaving the show, realized that the man they thought they were falling in love with was actually a no-good butthead (JAKE PAVELKA. BEN FLAJNIK.). But let’s get back to the drama at hand.

We are skipping right along to the overnight date with Nikki. Juan Pablo feels like both dates so far have gone really well, so he’s looking forward to see how things go with Nikki. HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL. YOU GUYS. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. I can’t. I cannot deal with it. Nikki is wearing a FLESH COLORED, FRINGE TEENY-TINY CROP TOP WITH TRIBAL PRINTED FLOWING LINEN PANTS. It’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen. Ever.

  They go horseback riding across the island. “There’s a difference between being a nice guy, and being a strong person. I’m a strong person so I need someone to match that,” Nikki tells us as they ride. The two have both separately mentioned that the other is a good kisser, so we know the sexual chemistry is there. They have a picnic on a beach and go swimming. She still hasn’t told him she loves him though and is banking on the dinner tonight to tell him. 

Dinner comes and goes with little fanfare, no “I love you”, and one fantasy suite card that Nikki whole-heartedly accepts. Juan Pablo says he will get some alone time with Nikki then whispers “finally” in the most lecherous, horn-dog way imaginable.

Once in the fantasy suite, they kiss a little and Nikki finally just says, “I love you, and I think you know that. But it’s taken a lot for me to say that.” Then Juan Pablo whispers some unintelligible nonsense to her while kissing her. Then they probably have sex.

Juan Pablo arrives at a swank-ass cabana with Chris Harrison to have a heart-to-heart chat. After clearing up some translation issues because Chrarrison is the man, they very vaguely talk about the women and what Juan Pablo is going to do. I had also completely forgotten that this is the week that the women leave personalized videos to help Juan Pablo with this huge decision. How will this fadge?

Nikki goes first, and it’s boring and fine. Then Clare goes, and are you the least surprised ever that she cries? And then it’s Andi’s turn. And she tells how she had real feelings grow, but then says that when she woke up in the fantasy suite, she needed to share some thoughts with him in person. Enter Andi stage left to have what is sure to be a rough conversation.

“Not once did he ever ask anything about me,” Andi says on her long, long walk up to the cabana. They finally meet, and she is immediately emotional. She repeats what she’s told us already that she had some genuinely good times, and genuine emotions for Juan Pablo. She flat out says that she realized she isn’t in love with him and that she isn’t ever going to be. He says that “it’s ok. That if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.”

“If you don’t feel it, there’s nothing I can do. I had you here because I liked you since week two…if you don’t feel it, it’s ok,” he says. And she says when he says that “it’s ok” it makes her feel like he doesn’t have feelings for her and doesn’t care about her. So he tries to rearrange his words so he can explain himself in English better.

He then says that it’s harder for Andi because she only had to think about one guy while he was busy dealing with the emotions of “twenty-seven, then nineteen, then the next”. Which is cool and demeaning. And then he repeats that he’s “Liked her since week two” and adds “So am I gonna die? No. But am I sad? Yes. Because I like Andi. I’ve liked Andi since week two.”

I mean what the hell guys? What the hell?

“Everything is always ‘it’s ok’ and I will die if I hear ‘it’s ok’ one more time!” she exclaims in frustration over him not understand why she’s upset. And he gets pissy that a woman is having an emotion in front of him and is like “why you upset?”

When she asks how he feels the overnight date went, he tells her how great he thought it was and how much stuff they talked about. She’s exasperated at this point. It’s like talking to a brick wall. He keeps repeating that he was “being honest” when he mentioned that Clare already had an overnight, and that Andi was there “by default”. He takes great offense! GREAT OFFENSE! Because he does not have that word “default” so he CLARIFIES that he said “you BARELY made it here!”

Oh GOOD. THANK GOD. THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING THAT BETWEEN ANDI AND RENEE YOU JUST PICKED ONE FOR ALMOST NO REASON OTHER THAN MAYBE CUP SIZE. GOOD THING YOU DON’T KNOW THE WORD DEFAULT BECAUSE SAYING “YOU BARELY MADE IT” IS SO MUCH BETTER.

“There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole, to be honest,” is how Andi reacts. And I cheer. I clap at the tv. Andi you are winning for calling this guy out on his bullsh*t.

The producers are going balls to the wall with shots of random wildlife. So far we’ve had: iguanas, birds, bees, ants, praying mantis, lizards, frogs! So many things! Back in the big fight Andi asks, “Do you have any idea what religion I practice? What my political beliefs are?” And he can’t answer anything. He basically blames her for not bringing up that she wanted him to know those things earlier. And Andi continues.

Then in a moment of moronic defensiveness he goes, “What’s my religion?”

“Catholic,” Andi snaps back immediately. And he turns his head down, and the look of shame on his face is PRICELESS. I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU HOW PERFECT IT IS. SHUT IT DOWN, ANDI DORFMAN. SHUT. IT. DOWN.

He goes on to completely blame Andi for the way she’s feeling now. He puts it all on her that she should’ve brought up these things earlier, but she failed to do it.

The conversation starts to wind down, and Andi starts to shut herself down completely too. Juan Pablo makes one last vain effort to apologize for how annoying it is when he says “it’s ok” for everything. I think he does genuinely try to apologize but the word “ok” just keeps escaping his lips. Then he reaches over to touch her face but really just pinches her eyebrow. Andi draws back in revulsion and asks him to “please don’t touch me. 

She leaves.

In total Juan Pablo says “it’s ok” a total of 26 times during that exchange. That is one “it’s ok” for every year of her life.

“Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit,” Juan Pablo says to camera. He then explains that if she had just left quietly he would have been totally crushed, but because of the fighting and the problems she talked about, he doesn’t care. I mean, he’s right. Women shouldn’t have difficult emotions or make their man think about himself in any light other than perfection. So I get it.

“I’m all for honesty, but there’s a huge difference between being sincere and being offensive,” Andi tells us as she drives away, “He doesn’t get it. And he never will.” She’s ultimately disappointed because she wanted to find love with someone, not Juan Pablo no, no no, but with someone. You are twenty-six years old, Andi. You are a federal prosecutor. You are smoking hot. You are going to find someone amazing.

“I hope to God he’s different with Nikki and Clare, for everyone’s sake. Because if he’s not, what a wasted opportunity,” Andi says as the two women are lined up for the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo comes out and explains that Andi is not there because she didn’t have feelings for him, so she went home.

Both Nikki and Clare accept their roses after Juan Pablo gives a REALLY GREAT speech about how if there are any questions or doubts, they should come to him right away and he’ll be honest. I’m sure he will. And the group cheers to the end of the “amazing journey they’ve been on together”.

And that’s that! That is the end of a really, really great episode of the Bachelor. I think a lot of the things that we have felt and noticed the rest of the season finally came out from the mouth of one of the best women on the show. I love that this happened. Juan Pablo got called out on all his bad behavior, and guys, the Women Tell All looks so, so, so amazing. It looks like all the women are going to rip him a new butthole for being such a butthole.

UNTIL THEN, MY LOVES! I’ll be over on Twitter @chasspod, I’ll be here on the blog answering your questions and posting other fun stuff, and I’ll be living in eager anticipation of next Wednesday when the recap goes up! LOVE YA!

The Bachelor Drinking Game - Juan Pablo Edition

I wish I could’ve gotten this up sooner but unfortunately I was trapped at the Cook County Criminal Courthouse fulfilling my civic duty of jury duty and contemplating suicide. I’m still on my way home as I type BUT never fear. Here are the rules to your favorite drinking game - THE BACHELOR DRINKING GAME.

Juan Pablo says "ees ok"

Juan Pablo says something deeply stupid, beyond a translation issue

Clare talks about her Dead Dad

You can see Nikki's bird tattoo

Chris Harrison says "most dramatic finale ever"

Helicopter rides!

Juan Pablo is an inconsiderate, narcissistic ass

Voice over happens while Juan Pablo is shirtless on a balcony, or walking on a beach, hands in pockets

One of the women says "fairy tale I've always dreamed of"

Neil Lane the King of the Diamond Peddling Lizards appears!

Happy drinking! 

*I ALMOST FORGOT*

*Bonus* Full Shot - If Clare shows him the Dead Dad DVD

-If Juan Pablo ends up alone

And if Juan Pablo ends up alone AND sees the Dead Dad DVD? Well, then we have to drink until we can't feel the shame and sadness anymore.