The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

A Petition for the Super Bowl to be a National Holiday

            When, in the human course of events, it becomes necessary for one people to declare a National Holiday that connects them to one another, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should explain causes which impel them to take a full day off work.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, but in terms of physical prowess in a sport that serves our base need for tactile, inter-personal confrontation, certain men are to be lauded with confetti and spectacle.

We, the people of the United States of America, have been endowed by our Capitalist Creators with certain unalienable rights that among these are high definition television, multimillion dollar buzz-worthy commercial spots, and the pursuit of our favorite NFL teams to claim the Super Bowl Championship. And to secure these rights, leagues are established among men, deriving their powers from a kind of arbitrary committee of guys assembled by their collective net worth (I think).

That whenever any form of workplace HR department or office manager becomes destructive to the general well-being of their employees, it is the right of the people to petition to their local congressman/woman, for the Monday following Super Bowl Sunday to be declared a day of Rest and Recovery. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that office relationships long established should not expect Trevor in sales to be anything but a gassy, bloated, hung-over shell of a human being on said morning after. All experience has shown that Mariah in accounting will be a hot, unshowered mess and that her breath is an evil which is insufferable.

Such has been the patient sufferance of the American People; and such is now the necessity which constrains us to alter our former systems of Paid Holidays in a Calendar Year. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:

-On the Lord’s Day, once a year, this great nation of ours gathers in living rooms to celebrate the game of football and advertising excellence.

-We consume cheese in every form possible: shredded, hard, semi-soft, molten, spreadable, shaped into balls, or carved into cubes!

- By the bucketful we consume the wings of chickens breaded, deep-fried and bathed in fiery sauce of an unnaturally red color.

-Crockpots across the land bubble with meatballs, chilies, and cocktail weenies consumed by the dozens

-Beer from Milwaukee, beer from St. Louis, beer from independent micro-craft breweries is swilled with gusto at each yard gained, each down made.

We, therefore, the common people of the United States of America, in no particular congress, assembled solely by the internet, appealing to the Supreme Judges of our Nation for the rectitude of our intention, do, in the name, and by authority of the good sports fans of the land, solemnly publish and declare that this country is, and of right ought to be celebrating the Super Bowl as a National Holiday observed on the following Monday; that we are absolved from all duty to attend a full day’s work; and that all political opinions, religious beliefs, and regular season allegiances be put aside for 36 hours, that we, as one, may celebrate the God given gift that is the Super Bowl.

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of our First Amendment Rights, we mutually pledge to each other our friendships, our baked chip dips, our living rooms with big screen TVs, and our Sacred Honor.

Amen.

Distraction 2012 -

I'm about to head out my door to cast my ballot and vote for the president of the United States. Before I go, I thought I'd leave you with a great 51 second break in your day.

This is the best fox out there. The best fox doing it. The only fox who gets so excited to see people, she literally gets paralyzed in excitement. Bless, Chuckles, bless.

Let's keep her enthusiasm in mind as the night wears on and our spirits begin to dampen, shall we?

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

Buckle up everyone! It's going to be a bumpy ride! The final few weeks are often the most wrought with emotion, but also the time when it gets harder and harder to fill a two-hour time slot. So let’s see what happens when the gang goes to Thailand and some “suite” cards are laid on the table.

We arrive in the terribly specific “South of” Thailand where Sean describes it as “something out of a movie”. I assume because he has seen movies with his eyes and probably never read books with his brain to compare the scenery to.

Sean thinks about the week to come as he sits on a boat, then walks across the beach, then does a quick change into a tank top to think about the week as he walks through the hotel, then a rock garden, then while lying in a hammock. Sean thinks about Catherine while sitting in front of a fountain. Sean thinks about AshLee while looking off into the middle distance. Sean thinks about Lindsay while walking across the beach! So much thinking and recapping he has to do! He even has to think about it while going for a dip in the pool!

The name of the place they’re staying is Si Kao, and it’s pronounced Sea Cow and that is HILARIOUS stuff right there. Lindsay comes barreling out of the hotel in five inch platform heels and seafoam skirt. Lindsay is excited to tell Sean at their date tonight that she is “in fact” in love with him. Because falling in love with him is NOT ENOUGH for this show.

They get to walk around a cool, local market. They try all sorts of fruits and treats and see cute clothes. Sean remembers Lindsay saying that she’s up for trying anything, but she won’t eat a bug. So he beelines for the bug stand as soon as he sees it. They try a grub and a grasshopper. She doesn’t like it, but Sean is so brave that she manages to do it for him. Isn’t that sweet and codependent?

“I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage,” Sean tells us of Lindsay. I can’t even start with all the problems. First of all, what? Secondly, like are you trying to get back what you had with your high school sweetheart or? What? Seriously, I don’t get this. What?

They sit on the beach and discuss how good their relationship is. “You’re the best friend that I’ve been looking for,” he tells her. I don’t know why, guys, but I’m calling it right here that Sean picks Lindsay. That’s right. My official prediction is that Sean picks the girl who wore a wedding dress the first night.

As the sun sets over “Yong Ling Beach” or “monkey beach” as the helpful scroll tells us, the happy couple help destroy the delicate ecosystem of Thailand by feeding grapes to the monkeys who live there. The monkeys are cute, but my God, people. This is not the way we’re going to save our planet! Don’t give wild monkeys grapes!!! I just hope you washed your dirty little paws.

We do get some spectacular shots of Sean and Lindsay kissing in the water while a monkey eats some grapes, though. Bless, monkeys and camera people, bless.

Dinner takes place in front of spangley, sparkly, blinking Thai floats and flowers made of petals around their little dais. It’s very beautiful if a little garish, but hey, what’s this show if not a little garish? They continue having fun and just talking about why they like each other. Sean also brings up her moving to Dallas, being engaged, picking out a house. These are specific and serious topics. He likes her big time!

She repeats a few times that she takes this all “very serious” and when it comes to family and love she takes it “very serious”. This woman is a teacher, everyone. This woman who doesn’t understand how to even SPEAK with proper grammar and adverb use could be teaching your children. WOE TO THE FUTURE WHERE GRAPE CRAZED MONKEYS AND INARTICULATE CHILDREN SHALL RULE.

Just as she’s getting the gumption to say the words “I love you” to a man contractually obligated not to say them back, a traditional parade of Thai dancers and musicians trounce out. Lindsay is awestruck and keeps asking how to say “thank you” which I appreciate. I like that she is soaking up the culture and trying very hard to be polite.

The moment of truth arrives! Sean hands Lindsay the fantasy suite card, and she struggles through reading it out loud. Lindsay takes no time in accepting the fantasy suite.  FINALLY, when they get in the suite, she hems and haws and squeaks out that she loves Sean. The music swells. I am underwhelmed.

AshLee is up next. She is positively bursting with joy to be here with the love of her life and can’t stop proclaiming how wonderful he makes her feel. They set sail on a big old boat to get somewhere special. I love boats and taking boat rides so much, y’all. AshLee would be content to be on that boat all day and so would I, girl, so would I. But JUST KIDDING! No more relaxing fun for you. Sean is putting you through yet another Fear Factor of Love and making you relinquish control by having him blindly navigate you through a sea cave to get to a private beach.

Have you guys ever seen the movie “The Beach” with Leonardo Dicaprio and Tilda Swinton? There’s a legend about this pristine beach off the coast of Thailand, and Leo really wants to find it. So they finally find it after many trials and live there in this nutso hippie commune and Tilda Swinton is, shocker, totally bazoo, and everything comes crashing down after there is a shark attack and no one can get the injured parties to help fast enough? Yeah so basically that’s all I was thinking about while they got through the cave and finally to the beach.  It is a terrible movie, and this is an equally terrible thing to do to a girl.

In true Bachelor fashion, both Sean and AshLee manage to make being lost in a pitch black sea cave a metaphor for being in a relationship. “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety without a problem,” Sean assures us. Yeah, ok, great, good thing you need to constantly prove your manhood.

Over dinner, four blinking boats at harbor watch over their wee beach cabana. They talk about why they like each other and how much AshLee loves him.  When the card is presented, AshLee is hesitant. Sean lays out his intentions to use the time to just be alone and talk with no distractions. She is concerned about how things will be perceived, but she ends up accepting.

In the suite they talk about their relationship and how far they’ve come. AshLee tells him exactly what she wants in an engagement ring which makes me cringe. Don’t jinx yourself, lady. Don’t get too far ahead of him!

Catherine has the final date of the week. She adorably comes running up behind him and adorably surprises him with a kiss hello. They get to go for one long big boat ride! They get to go on one of those fancy Asian boats with the big red sails. Am I painting you a picture with my words?

The first thing we see is Catherine screaming “I’m the queen of the world!” from the bow of the ship. Come on Catherine. You and I both know you’re better than that. But they lay down for some heart to heart and talk about how Catherine is totally herself, weirdness and all, in front of Sean. He kisses her head about four times while she’s talking. He likes her too! She’s so cute I can’t handle it. Damn you, Catherine! Let’s be friends!

They have an actual conversation about their future and where they’re both at in terms of wanting to settle down. I like the two of them together you guys. I don’t want to think Sean’s going to pick Lindsay because I think he should pick Catherine!

“Snorkeling. Is. Awesome,” is all Sean has to say about how awesome snorkeling is. The two of them can’t get over how much they like each other. They kiss in the rain and guess what we see? Way too much of Sean’s tongue, that’s what.

Over dinner, Sean asks her more questions about their future. Catherine gives the textbook answers about marriage and kids. She goes on to explain her hesitations about the fantasy suite, and he reassures her about his “intentions” one more time. She accepts!

Catherine gets the best fantasy suite because hers has a little mini pool for swimming and sexy times. She actually has a nice, sincere moment where she tells him that she’s been a little insecure in her life and that she feels totally comfortable around him. He says, “I’m the lucky one!” That is nice. They have a good time. Catherine says journey.

We are reminded of the fact that this is the point at which Emily sent Sean home last time. Sean feels like he’s resolved as to who he’s sending home, and feels confident all through his conversation with Chrarrison. His baby blues almost tear up even as he talks about sending this “sweet” woman home. But, at the end of the day, Sean does see himself getting down on one knee because he is in love with at least one of the women here.

Chrarrison pulls that same video message crap that they pulled last season. Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee leave emotional and awkward video messages for Sean about just how much he means to her. It is torture to sit through. Sean tears up at all three, but especially during AshLee’s very emotional proclamation about how together they are whole. He isn’t smiling though. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Things look bad. AshLee looks good though. Her dress is boob-tacular.

Moment of truth. Chrarrison gives a somber speech. Sean gives a somber speech about how blindsided he was when Emily sent him home and how sorry he is to be doing the same to one of these women. The first rose goes out to Lindsay, so AshLee and Catherine must wait in agony to find out if their hearts will be shattered. It’s the longest pause in the history of the Bachelor, but finally, quietly he calls Catherine’s name.

The look on AshLee’s face is one that you might see on a person about to kill or seriously maim another person. She is livid. She silently walks out of the rose ceremony as Lindsay whispers, “she looks pissed”. Sean follows and tries to start giving his speech, but AshLee turns right around and says, “Just stay here,” and keeps walking towards the car.

She eventually relents and lets him explain himself. He seriously looks like he’s going to puke as he tears up and tries to explain what’s going on and does a TERRIBLE job at giving her closure. “I think the world of you,” are some pretty effing hollow words, my man. “This wasn’t some silly game to me,” AshLee spits out in the van, “This wasn’t some joyride about joking and laughter and fun.” I believe her 100%, but I think that might’ve also been part of the problem. It would not kill Ash to lighten up just a little. She turns away from the cameras as the real tears start to flow, and we get a pull-away shot of Sean with his head in his hands.

Well, wasn’t that nice and depressing? Real-live heartbreak piped straight into your living room! No matter! Next week is the Women Tell All, and after this season, it is shaping up to be the most dramatic one ever. I mean we’ve got Tierra, we’ve got Amanda, we’ve got Desiree, we’ve got poor one-armed Sarah who should be my friend! It’s gonna be bad, and it’s gonna be so, so good. See you for the juiciness next week, y’all!

Female Empowerment Friday - 

It's been a long week for most of us, and I would say you've more than earned a little dance party. So click play and let the moves just flow out of you. You are a beautiful woman who gets to call all the shots in your own love life and make men promise they won't fall in love with you, because you're that irresistible. That's right.

Have a great weekend, ladies! I'll just be over here chair dancing like a madwoman!

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

We are really in this thing now. It took a record few number of episodes to make me utterly bored by Chris and his antics, but we have so many, many ladies to observe in the most extreme circumstances that here I sit, red wine in hand, ready to go on this journey with and for all of you. Hooray for the Bachelor and fermented grapes.

This is the last week with Bachelor Mansion as home base as after (and during parts of) this episode Farmer Chris and his Herd of Lady Cattle will fly to such exotic locales as New Mexico and seemingly all of Southeast Asia. But before all that, Chris’s three sisters are in town and will be evaluating all the women in addition to selecting which lucky lady gets the one-one date this week. There are group dates aplenty, however, and Chrarrison drops off the first of the date cards.

Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey are on the date card that reads, “Let’s do what feels natural…”. All the women freak out that “natural” means no makeup or hair extensions. They still manage to get properly gussied up before taking off in two vintage Cadillac convertibles. They arrive at a beautiful lake for their party complete with paddle boards, floating rafts, and beach chairs.

Ashley I. tells us how she feels so shy around Chris and like she’s not being herself, so in search of a way to “break out of [her] shyness” she takes off her American flag bikini top and jumps into the lake. That’ll do it, Ash. Then Kaitlyn one-ups Ashley I. and takes off just her bottoms and jumps into the lake. She feels great about Chris having seen her “tush”.

I don’t, and neither does Kelsey. She (and I) don’t feel it’s appropriate or very cute to take pieces of your clothing off in front of the man you’re dating while in a group situation. But also, it’s the Bachelor.

“This is a date made for bimbos,” Kelsey exclaims. I know, I know, I know, Kelsey. Yes it’s crude and inappropriate but this is a show where one man is “dating” fifteen women at once and the beer flows like wine! It’s all one big moral grey area and unfortunately skinny dipping falls right in there because in the real world that’s tacky as hell but this is most decidedly not the real world and who’s to say those women DIDN’T do that just for their own fun and not for the exploitation of their bodies (I am. They definitely did it for the male gaze but my point stands.)

The three sisters arrive at the mansion to surprise the women and get to know them a little better. One of his sisters came all the way from her home in Ireland, and I’m interested in finding out how she rigged that sweet gig up for herself. The girls have to go rouse Jillian from her deep slumber in the pool. The Black Bar is back because the producers are like a dog with a bone with that damn thing. However, Jillian is duly embarrassed by her first impression on these “potential future in-laws.”

The Sisters Three pull Whitney aside for the first one-on-one chat. I don’t even need to watch to know she will pass with flying colors. She does. But they are asking intense questions they have prepared on a yellow legal pad. It is a lot like being before a tribunal. We see snippets from a few different interviews, but the soft and sweet music plays over Jade as she tells the sisters how she just launched her own organic makeup line and that she thinks relationships are all about compromise. Way to show us your hand, producers. That music obviously means Jade is getting the one-on-one.

Back at the lake, the group are playing red rover and Kelsey is not amused. She, being from Michigan, is unimpressed by the state of this muddy, “dingy pond” of a lake on which they find themselves.

“My face is getting skinnier because I spend all this time fake smiling trying to pretend to enjoy just this…hell hole,” she says, “There are moments when I feel like taking a fork and just stabbing it in my eye.” Seems super chill.

Chris then tells all the ladies how much fun he’s having with all of them in their bathing suits and that because it’s so much fun he doesn’t want to leave. And they won’t be leaving because they are camping overnight at the lake!

“This is dumb!” Kelsey whines, “I wanna be where I wanna be, and I don’t wanna be here!”

THEN GO HOME. But she doesn’t. She does get stung by a bee on her inner thigh though as further punishment.

Over at the campsite, we have some really fun stereotyping and gender roles playing out. The girls are tasked with assembling their own tents, and while some put them up with the greatest of ease, Mackenzie and Ashley I. giggle and struggle. Luckily, big man’s man Chris is around to help them merely read instructions and accomplish a basic task.

The hub-bub at the house is all about who will be picked for the one-on-one and how important it is to be chosen by his sisters. To be chosen by the Sisters Three for a one-on-one date would be the highest honor which one could have bestowed! Britt feels confident that it will be her because she feels she is the front-runner.

Imagine the look of shock on her face when Whitney reads the date card, “Jade, Your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening. From 8pm until the last stroke of midnight. Shh, it’s a secret. The prince doesn’t know you are coming.” Jade is over the moon excited and honored to be selected for this date.

Camping continues on the group date with the grilling of kabobs and hot dogs over the fire. Ashley I. managed to bring along and properly attach her fake eyelashes for this camping date. Hey girl, you do you and don’t compromise that but also? There’s a time and a place for falsies.

“We are the luckiest ladies in America,” someone offers from around the campfire.

“Really?” Kelsey replies. And Kaitlyn calls her out on it really quick. Kelsey explains that it’s a unique opportunity, but the girls are onto her. She is pouting hardcore but as soon as Chris comes back her face lights up with glee. Breaker, Breaker 1-9: we’ve got a faker! And the girls delight in explaining how fake Kelsey is and how on earth could Chris be attracted to someone so fake? All of this played over shots of Kelsey laughing this giant, strained laugh. Folks, we’ve got a villain a-brewing.

But while Kelsey is being put to the fire for being fake, Ashley S. is being her truest, best self. By that I mean she is hiccupping drunk and wide eyed with suspicion. Suspicious of what, you ask? Probably the fact that as she sings gibberish campfire songs from her home planet, Mackenzie asks if the other women believe in aliens. It’s all coming together. Someone is about to be abducted by Ashley S. There’s even a full moon to boot.

Kaitlyn tells a ghost story about Ashley S. “the sweetest and yet scariest” woman around. The women are mostly entertained by her brand of crazy because she’s sweet not terrifying. She is a little terrifying though as she repeatedly whispers, “What are you?” to Chris and then gazes at the moon. It’s amazing. I just treasure her. She rambles and rambles and tells Chris that she loves everything about him and hopes that resonates within his mind tonight.

Now it’s Ashley I.’s turn to parade her true self in front of Chris. She tells him that she has a crush on him. And how he makes her feel shy and then they suck face. And I mean SUCK. FACE. It’s not kissing or making out. It is face sucking. So gross, guys. We’ve got to put a full stop on the gross kissing happening here.

The date rose goes to Kaitlyn for always being herself and making Chris feel good. “I feel great. This is awesome. And I’m drunk,” Kaitlyn says of her big rose win. Ashley I. is rattled by this and feels there is no way that Chris knows the real her. So, fueled by her virginity and alcohol, Ashely I. sets off to tell Chris that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend.

To accomplish this task, she must leave her tent and travel to a sleeping Chris’s tent. This should go over very well.

“Basically, so far, I feel like I’ve been portrayed different from how I really am…I’m freakin’ innocent. I’ve never had a real boyfriend before,” she tells him inside his luxury tent.

“The moment I met you, I got the vibe that you were a smart, well-rounded girl,” says Chris groggily.

She blathers on a bunch more about how she’s a nerd inside and “inexperienced in every way possible”. He was pretty sleepy and said he “thinks” he “gets” her. I don’t think he does. And she doesn’t explicitly say that she’s a virgin. She just repeats, “I just want to make sure you got me.” He says yes to her immediately so that they can start making out, but tells cameras that he had no idea what she was really trying to say to him. Chris is both smart and a great guy. Two thumbs WAY UP.

That date is finally over, and it’s time for everyone to reunite at the mansion. The group date gals are told in great detail what happened when the Sisters Three came to visit. Jillian tells everyone about how Jade got her fancy date card/invitation to the royal ball, and Ashley I. seethes. She is very upset that she does not get to go on a date where she can dress up and act like a princess.

But this is so wonderful for Jade! A full team of stylists, helmed by a real-life Effie Trinket complete with funny accent and pink curly hair, invade the house to give her a full princess transformation. They made one of the rooms in the mansion into a princess suite with jewels and beautiful gowns and hair and makeup artists. Nadia with her pink hair is flitting about styling and perfecting Jade’s look. The other women watch on in amazement and awe, while Ashley I. pouts and whines and makes it all about her.

Nadia helps her find a gorgeous patterned ball gown with her very own Louboutin glass slippers that she gets to keep. She also gets to keep the NEIL LANE diamond earrings Nadia put on her. This is of course an elaborate plug for the new Disney Cinderella movie that’s coming out in March. Nadia forces Jade to look at some images from the movie so she understands her inspiration. Haha, yes. This was all Nadia’s idea. I don’t blame you Nadia, you’re perfect. Never change.

When Jade emerges fully made-up, she looks lovely. So stunning but classy, and the girls ooh and ahh but at the same time are envious of this date. Jade is whisked away in a perfectly white Rolls Royce to her Royal date. Chris positively beams when he sees Jade descend the grand staircase to greet him.

They are “eating” dinner in a hotel lobby? It’s a nice hotel lobby to be sure, but nonetheless, just a big, vast marble space. They have their typical Bachelor chat about past relationships (both have been engaged before).

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Ashley I. is going bananas. She put on a sparkly dress that she brought specifically for a princess themed date. The other women are laughing in her face for being so dramatic and ridiculous, so Ashley leaves their presence to sit upon a couch made of leather and nibble on an ear of corn as all dejected princesses sometimes do. Get over it, Ashley I. Eat some more corn.

The real Cinderella date is going quite well. Chris gives Jade the rose easy-peasy, and then takes her to see one more surprise. They walk into a small ballroom containing a full orchestra. They dance on a platform and actually do a fair job at the waltz. It’s the kind of fairytale, beautiful, romantic date this show used to be all about. This is what I came to see people! Lovin’ it! These two boring simples being all dressed up! Like candy for me.

We’re already at the final group date for the week. Joining Farmer Chris are Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca whose date card reads, “Let’s get dirty!” Then Carly, who read the card, shares that there were also boxes delivered with the card. The boxes contain wedding dresses. Joy of joys. They make themselves beautiful, put on the dresses, then climb into a stretch limo for the date.

I do not like where this is going one little bit.

The ladies get onto a private jet and while most are excited, Jillian feels very out of her element in a wedding dress. They meet Chris when they land in San Francisco, and are then driven to a tough mudder course. No, no, no. So, they are doing this muck-fest under the guise of raising awareness for MS. I guess that’s fine. The race will determine who gets a one-on-one date with Chris and the rest of the women will go home immediately. So that sucks even more. Chris’s only redeeming quality is that he does the whole race with them so they aren’t just getting disgusting alone to compete for his approval.

It is no surprise that Jillian pulls ahead and completely dominates the course.

Carly is laughing during her whole interview because she performed so poorly that she just gave up. Carly is actually growing on me, despite her terrible eyebrows.

“Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo…Are her muscles bigger than Chris’s? Is her d**k bigger than Chris’s?” she giggles. See? Carly can stay.

Jillian is pumped that she gets her one-on-one date in San Francisco. They are dining on the rooftop of the historic Fairmont Hotel on San Francisco’s Knob Hill. Chris mumbles about how Jillian is one of his top three gals as far as being cute, fun, and outgoing. I don’t hate Jillian. I just don’t love her brand of intensity and the obsession with working out. I disagree that it’s an inherently masculine quality to be into working out, but I don’t think that “the gym” does an entire personality make.

And to display her intensity, Jillian talks during the lion’s share of the date. “During Jillian’s talking, I’m getting kind of confused because her words are coming out faster than I can process,” Chris says. Oh, sweetie. It’s ok. We’ll get you through this.

“Occaisionally, as Jillian’s words float over my head, I think of unicorns and dancing fairies…It’s quite beautiful,” Chris says. It’d be a whole lot funnier if I didn’t think he meant it. But Chris is honest that he doesn’t feel a romantic connection with Jillian and that the romance of their conversation, or lack thereof, does not match their romantic surroundings.

Cue Jillian asking, “Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl and you don’t know what she has, like this bitch is talking to her reflection, like she’s crazy: bird in her hair, the whole nine, or abstain from sex for five years?”

I JUST CANNOT. First of all, “would you rather” questions are for people who aren’t interesting enough to have conversations without creating some contrived device. Secondly, that question is inappropriate on so many levels, and it’s offensive. Chris just silently shakes his head in response. Jillian thinks the date is going well, but Chris picks up the rose. He explains that while she’s fun and beautiful, he just doesn’t feel the chemistry. He feels that their goals just don’t match.

Jillian interrupts to say that this setting doesn’t make her feel the most comfortable. Oh, honey, respect yourself enough to not play the desperation game. She doesn’t take it well. She cries and gets flustered. I would cry getting rejected on national television too. That’s fair. But it was time for Jillian to go, and I’m glad Chris had the balls to cut her loose.

This episode, for lack of anything actually happening, has felt like an eternity. It is now rounding third and about to come in for the run though, as we are at the cocktail party. Chris starts the party with one of his token horrible speeches about how Jillian went home because he takes this process very seriously.

Megan takes this seriously too, which is why she blindfolds Chris and brings out some fruit and chocolate fondue. Just f***ing why? This is not sexy or cool or fun. Why? Chris loved it! “I thought that was a great game! What do you call that game?” he asks Megan after the whole fruit plate has been sampled. Megan is as sweet as she is simple and is therefore a wonderful match for Chris. This whole season can be tied up in a neat little bow with the word “simple”.

Right on cue, Ashley I. arrives to make it clear to Chris, once and for all, that she is A VIRGIN. SHE’S A VIRGIN AND ALMOST PROUD! ASHLEY I. IS A VIRGIN AND EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES AND ITS TERRITORIES AND ANYONE WHO ILLEGALLY STREAMS THIS SHOW INTERNATIONALLY (SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIENDS IN AUSTRALIA) KNOWS IT! She’s wearing the same sparkly dress from when she threw a fit over the Cinderella date. They start the conversation by pussy-footing around the topic one more time, and then she finally comes out and says the words “I’m a virgin.”

Chris accepts it as well as one could. He says he respects it and thinks it’s a good thing all while she’s still word vomiting about what that all means.

“If anything, I respect her more,” Chris tells us. Sure, whatever. It’s 2015. People can be virgins or have a lot of sex with men or women or both or neither. For the love of everything, can we move on? We can’t. Ashely I. is freaking out that for the first time ever he didn’t kiss her.

“Well it’s because he wants to respect you,” explains Mackenzie.

“I don’t want him to respect me that much!” Ashely exclaims. To which, I just can’t. That is the essence of this show in one sentence. Good LORD. She’s crying so much and Mackenzie is over the dramatics. Mackenzie, whose hair looks great tonight. Someone took pity on her. Ashley continues with the pyrotechnics and then tells everyone around her the big secret that she’s a virgin and two things happen.

One is that Carly is shocked to hear this because, she says, “I’ve seen her making out with Chris like thirteen-thousand times. Her mouth is not a virgin.” Which is amazing and so far the quote of the season. Her mouth is not a virgin. THAT’S INCREDIBLE. WHAT? WHAT IS THAT? IT’S GREAT IS WHAT IT IS.

Two is that Becca quietly replies, “I am too.” So Becca is virgin number two in the Bachelor mansion which causes Kaitlyn to flip her lid because she can’t fathom that. It makes me very intrigued by the beautiful Becca who has been very quiet about that whole thing. I like this Becca girl who plays her cards close to the vest.

On to Britt: Britt, who is at an Ariana Grande ratio of body to hair, is “grumpy” because she hasn’t talked to Chris in a week. She decides to confront Chris about where they stand emotionally and also about where he’s at with other girls there. Specifically, she mentions that she heard that Kaitlyn took off her clothes on the group date and was then given a rose.

“I just wanna know why those actions are being validated,” Britt says to Chris.

He pauses for a moment to form some thoughts in that big ole noggin of his before replying with these beautiful words: “That wasn’t why I gave her a rose, and like…I guess uh, that I see two sides like Kaitlyn has a lot of different facets that are not and I don’t those aren’t, I see the Kaitlyn that just you know what I mean? I mean obviously, I mean if you like her or dislike her or I, I don’t see, I don’t look at Kaitlyn like being some really and I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior. You know? And I’m not giving roses to you know and maybe you’re viewing as that. Um.”

I know what you’re thinking. Cassie did you fall asleep for parts of that speech and leave out key words? Cassie, have you had so much wine that you typed nonsense and sent it right to publication? Cassie, did you have a stroke?

No. No. No. No to all of those questions. That is an actual transcription of Chris’s reply to being put on the spot as to why a girl who took her bathing suit bottoms off at the lake was given a rose.

Chris gets up abruptly from their chat, and then as he makes his speech before the rose ceremony he gives an ultimatum that if anyone questions his intentions and motives for being there, they can just leave. This freaks the girls out, but obviously nothing happens.

Rose time:

Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha (WHO?), Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashely I., and last of all is Britt. This means Juelia, Nikki, and our dear, dear Ashley S. are going home. I will miss her and all her beautiful white winged dove ways. Ashely S. is a treasure that only comes along once in a millennium. Fly free to your home planet Ashley S. and take care on the intergalactic highways!

Chris takes a kind moment to say goodbye to Juelia because he admires her and respects her so much as a person. He tells her she’s a beautiful person both inside and out, and she is. The other women are shaken up by her leaving too.

And then the episode ends abruptly! Bye, guys! We’ll be in Santa Fe next week, and I can’t wait to see you there! It looks like Kelsey has a panic attack in a bathroom which is exciting because maybe something will finally happen on this show! Hooray! Love you all! @Chasspod on twitter and the Ask is always open! Exclamation points!!!

The Bachelorette - Episode 2 Recap

Week two is where the magic and madness really begins on the Bachelorette, so let’s not delay any further.

Andi is once again so thrilled to be where she’s at, and the dudes equally so. Chris Harrison stops by the mansion to lay down the law of the land and leave the first date card. The first one-on-one goes to Erik. He’s so handsome; I can’t really stand it.

She pops by to pick him up in her sweet Audi convertible and the men surround her like a herd of hyenas to see them off. They drive down a scenic highway, and land at the beach. They just have a beach picnic and build sandcastles and fly kites and giggle like little kids!

“This chick’s pretty cool,” Eric says. Please don’t use the word chick, ever, but I’m glad you’re having fun. Then a HELICOPTER COMES! THANK GOD! Eric does a good job pretending to be impressed by a helicopter when he has motorcycled across half of Africa. They are whisked away to Bear Mountain that is covered in snow. Eric is a really good sport about pretending to be completely blown away by the magnificence of a single mountain.

Then LOUIE VITO comes snowboarding down the mountain to give them a snowboarding lesson! Louie Vito who I’m most familiar with through my other favorite TV show “The Pete Holmes Show” and Louie’s reckless ‘tude!

Eric is like flipping around on his snowboard, total pro, while Andi falls and trips and tumbles as she learns how to snowboard. Louie Vito is pretty hands on but he’s tiny, so Eric is chill. They snowboard and are generally adorable together. They literally cannot stop saying how amazing it is that they were on a beach in the morning and in the afternoon they were in the snow. They are amazed that such a thing could be humanly possible. Thanks to things like helicopters and planes and trains and cars and wheels and the human foot, this is very possible guys.

For the dinner date, Andi dons a rather large turtleneck sweater. It’s actually cute, but if I’m to understand from the previews, this will not be the last turtleneck we see. They snuggle up on a couch in front of a fire and share stories. He shares a particularly harrowing one about the time he spent in Syria. It was a near death experience where they were almost killed by some rebels. He’s so amazing, and I’m legitimately having a hard time watching this realizing that this man has since died.

Eric talks about his family and how everyone has a ton of kids, and he’s finally ready to settle down and start a family of his own. Andi is really taken by him and of course he gets the date rose no question about it.

Next up is the group date. Going on it are the following men: Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S. and Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face.

They meet up down in Hollywood to fulfill the date card “Let’s Bare our Souls.” This group has the most frat-boy mentality I’ve seen in a few seasons. So it’s perfectly fitting that for charity, these men will be doing a strip show/dance. They watch a group of seasoned performers shake, shimmy, and pose. And then a very scary man who is the director of the Hollywood Men wearing a blazer over a bare chest and some glasses, sets up the men to audition. The men are divided into three groups: cowboys, firefighters, and army-men. The robot solo is given to Nick and the aviator solo is given to Marcus. Andi is not secretive about how hot she thinks Marcus is.

Carl the real firefighter from Ft. Lauderdale is also going to be playing a firefighter here today. He has two full tattoo sleeves and is VERY ATTRACTIVE TO ME.

As they are going through the routines, the best part is the real dancers who are teaching them. They are holding little boom boxes and teaching these guys real dance steps for these routines. Marcus is very nervous about his solo, and he should be. All women have seen Channing Tatum dance to “Pony”. He’s got big shoes to fill in terms of female sexual fantasy. Except gross and like don’t etc.

Craig is continuing to be a big dork, and I hate him so much. He’s a “nerdy” bro and I wish he would just stop being around. He can’t stop talking about how hot Josh looks while dancing.

Nick S. is pretty thrilled about being the sexy robot, but Marcus is still really scared and nervous! Even as he gets into his adorable “Officer and a Gentleman” costume, his hands are trembling.

All the men have to get spray tanned and oiled up, and I’m pretty grossed out. Craig demands to have his package filled out. What a horrendous human.

But good news abounds because Sharleen and Kelly the Dog Lover/Sharp-Witted Diva are there to have fun alongside Andi!!!

The dancing begins with the cowboys, and Craig continues to be upset about how hot Josh is. Nick S. kills it as the robot and accidentally showed way too much. The firemen are the hottest though because duh. Chris Harrison slaps a butt with as little vigor as he could muster. The army guys get out there and continue to elicit screams and cries of delight from the wild audience.

Then it’s Marcus’ turn for his solo and he is so nervous. But then he tells us that when he got on stage he just looked to Andi’s beauty to calm himself and managed to have a good time. Wow. That woman’s face is so healing. How great. He does a good job. He’s no Chan-Chan though.

I’m sad there wasn’t more Kelly and Sharleen time. Carl the firefighter is covered in tattoos all over his beautiful body, and I’m gonna need more screen time for our friend Carl there.

Now that the dancing is done, we move onto the cocktail party portion of the date. The men spiff up quite nicely. If I’m not mistaken, this date is taking place in the same mansion at which Desiree filmed her “For the Right Reasons” music video.

Brian is really nervous about making a great impression, so he pulls her aside first. Andi tells him how much she enjoyed his performance. Their time goes so well that Andi ends up very impressed by him and his personality.

Josh M. looks like Mark Cuban to me from certain angles, so I’m having a hard time. He’s a former pro-baseball player, and Andi is super into his “type” but worried that that type of guy is why she’s still single. They have a nice talk and have pretty good chemistry together. Josh reassures her that he is not the “typical jock” and to not pigeon hole him so fast. We’ll see…

Craig is already blitzed drunk and still talking about how hot Josh is…

Back at the mansion the four remaining guys are on pins and needles waiting for the date card. It goes to Chris the sweet, sweet farmer.

Back at the group date, Blake is singing opera again on bended knee like a regular twat. Come on, Holland. Be cooler than that!

Craig is even drunker than before as he hunts down Andi to get alone time. She knows he’s super drunk and is pretty good about dealing with him. As they sit, she tells him he can ask her anything whenever. She is an open book. So Craig asks, “What’s the worst thing about your parents? Boom.”

As she continues talking with other guys, Craig continues to be the worst. Josh realizes that he’s kind of his wrangler and is like “Craig. Inside! Come on.” Like he’s a dog. Nick S gets in a swimsuit in the pool, and Craig jumps in fully clothed.

Andi is much displeased by this. “They do get that they’re here to date, right?” she begs to the camera. I don’t know, Andi. The rest of the guys are all pretty much done with Craig too.

The whole situation is overwhelming for Andi as she starts to question if it’s even worth it for her to be there. The producers finally lasso Craig to take him home, and Marcus whisks Andi away to calm her spirit.

As she tries to focus on the good parts of the date, she comes to give out the date rose. It, of course, goes to Marcus because she really likes him and also admired him for being brave with his dance solo.

Now we move along to Chris’s one-on-one date. He’s so sweet and so excited to show her a good time after the drama of the previous night’s date. They go to a fancy race track for a day of horse racing and glamorous times. She’s in a totally gorgeous green dress that I must have, and brings him to a closet to get all glammed up to match. He’s very good looking and also has the temperament of 10 year old golden retriever.  When he greets her again in his perfect grey suit with bowtie he says he feels like Pretty Woman. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

They have a fun time just being glamorous at the race track. And then an old couple (that might have been placed there by the producers but SHHHHSHSHH IT’S MAGIC) asks them how long they’ve been together. And the old couple talk about how they met and how they’ve been together for fifty-five years. They are so sweet. They met when he was playing baseball because AMERICA. It’s just a really sweet moment, even if those people are Chris Harrison’s grandparents or something.

For dinner they continue on at the race track, but now the whole place is theirs. I am slightly irritated two-thirds of the way through episode two that Andi keeps saying “stop! Stoooop!” in reaction to anything surprising or flattering the guys say. But during the date Chris shares that he was engaged at one point, but ultimately realized “darn it, it’s not there.” DARN. IT. HE SAID DARN IT. This man is character from a Nicholas Sparks novel.

He gets the date rose of course because he’s a very, very kind person who said some nice things to her that he didn’t realize were exactly the nice things she needed to hear. What a little cutie. Then they get the first private concert of the season from This Wild Life who are actually a really great little indie band and NOT some shitty d-list country singer! Stepping it up, Bachelor. They have a first kiss while dancing. I like them together.

And the final cocktail party is upon us. Andi is wearing a ridiculous dress that looks like something Whoopi might have warn in Sister Act but like when she was a lounge singer and not a nun, duh. Her hair and makeup is on point though. But this dress. Yikes.

Nick V., our first impression rose winner, has set up an elaborate one-on-one time with some strawberries and champagne. They talk about what they are both looking for in the next relationship. Surprise, surprise, they are both looking for a kind of forever love. A DOI. THAT’S WHAT ALL THE GUYS ON THE SHOW ARE GOING TO TELL YOU.

The guys have planned various fun-tivities to keep Andi’s interest piqued. She eats it all up like me in front of a hot cheese dip. She has a great kiss with Josh because he continues to woo her by being the big strong man who cannot keep it together around her because he’s got those little butterflies.

Then it’s time for Craig to try to apologize to Andi for being such a shit show on the last group date. “I have to do something more than just apologize,” he says as he does the unthinkable and slings a guitar around his body. Yes, God. What have I done to deserve such a bounty of gifts and blessings like Craig singing a song to Andi at week two?

The dudes feel equally blessed to bear witness to such a miracle and gather like little school girls to listen to him sing a song he wrote specifically for the situation.

Here are the lyrics. It should also be said that he is a horrible, horrible, singer.

“I messed up last night. / I had too much firefly. / I bared my junk to thirteen other guys. / But I hope and pray that it’s alright, Oh Andi. / Please let me stay.”

He doesn’t even know that he drank Fireball whiskey and not something he’s calling “firefly”. Craig is properly contrite but he is not that cute and seems kind of simple and it’s time to go home, ya jabronie.

Rose Ceremony time!

Who is in: Ron, Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face, JJ, Marquel, Andrew, Tasos, Josh, Cody (WHY), Nick V., Patrick, Brian, Brett, and Bradley.

NOOOO SHE LET GO OF CARL THE INSANELY HOT, TATOOED FIREMAN WHO IS WEARING THE SHIT OUT OF SOME GLASSES RIGHT NOW. NO, CARL. PLEASE. I WILL SAVE YOU FROM THE INFERNO OF YOUR BROKEN HEART.

Also going home are Nick S. the pro-golfer and Craig the big fat dummy Dumbo. She tells him she thinks he’s a great person but “just couldn’t get past it.” He laments his foolish decisions, as well he should. What a dope, and good riddance.

On to bigger and better things, like the “dramatic two-night event” of the Bachelorette coming at us next week! So much drama! Many tears! Many men proving their worth and having a pissing contest! Until then, my loves. Next Tuesday/Wednesday for the double feature recap, and as always, twitter @Chasspod. Besos!

Henley Monday -

Well my friends, we are at another year almost over. With less than 36 hours left until we shift into a new era of hopes and dreams and pop  culture happenings, I thought it would be a nice time to reflect on all the good things this year has brought us.....

Starting with a few pics of our patron saint of henleys Mr. Ryan "The Gos" "Daddy Gos" Gosling. He is a beautiful specimen of man that will never see it's equal in our time. Probably. Just enjoy as you reflect on the many blessings you've had in 2013. And I'll see you in 2014 my babies.

Henley Monday - 

MONDAY indeed! It's certainly not the best of times over here, and I need all the strength and inspiration I can get to deal with just today. 

Enter this rugged man. He's just a man, we don't know who he is or what films he's been in. We can make up anything we want about him. I, for instance, have chosen to believe that he is a Welsh sailor looking off into the distance at his grand ship that takes him all over the world, but his heart is always wandering home. Isn't that nice? I think so.

What do you want his story to be? Day dream about it while the time tick-tocks away and you can be home once more.

Let this song take you gently, yet powerfully into the day before you.

Please remember to be the following things:

bad

bold

wiser

hard

tough

stronger

cool

calm

stay together

And I know, all I know is, love will save the day.

Kick ass.

Henley Friday -

A very happy Friday is upon us as it is the week we shall all celebrate Hallowe'en and all it's spooky festivities. You might be wondering why this somewhat schlubby picture of Orlando Bloom walking his darling dog is today's feature. Well, attention all ye ambulance chasers - it was announced that he and his baby mama Miranda Kerr have separated. ALIGHT ANEW ALL YOUR PRE-TEEN DREAMS OF MARRYING LEGOLAS!