Let This Song Take You Gently, Yet Powerfully Into The Day Before You.

Sexy Halloween Costumes: Men's Edition

   It's that time of year again, y'all. Halloween costume anxiety season. There is much ado about what to go as, whether it be topical, witty, scary, or the current favorite amongst women of all ages, "slutty". For women there are "sexy" versions of Halloween costumes for everything from Big Bird to an ear of corn, while the men are left hung out to dry.

No longer. For your benefit, gents, I've put together a list of Halloween costume ideas that are the male-equivalent of "sexy" - Costumes we ladies would be amped to see and you would enjoy sporting (MEN- you may be surprised at the absence of a single beer-related costume) ---

Star Wars X-wing Fighter Pilot - You love Star Wars; we love Star Wars. Pretty much the only cool-looking iteration of a Star Wars character is the Fighter Pilots, and plus, wearing the Jedi Robes pretty much ensures you'll be mistaken for Jesus or Moses or other decidedly un-sexy biblical figures all night.

Top Gun - Maverick and Goose are ueber-dudes (volleyball scene excluded), so it works to the top of your manliness and right to the ladies' love of a flight suit covered in patches and good pair of aviators.

Robin Hood - Archery is really having a moment this year, so play to the strengths of the times. Robin Hood is heroic in a very "stick it the 1%" kind of way and has always had great swagger. Extra props if you go as the sexiest film Robin Hood - the fox from Disney's animated version.

The Brawny Man - Not only is this costume cheap, it's also clever and awesome. You wear a henley (I advocate any costume choice that involves henleys), a plaid shirt (also great), blue jeans, and carry an axe and a roll of paper towels. Boom. Sexy.

Dr. Henry Walton aka Indiana Jones - I think probably a lot of men go as action-hero Indy, but I would urge you to take the subtler, more intellectual route and go as his professorial self. Do the whole professor-bowtie-tweed-glasses look and carry a bull whip for good measure and extra self-defense. Everybody loves a sexy professor with a bull whip...I think.

Young Teddy Roosevelt - One time Teddy Roosevelt got shot in the chest, then gave a ninety minute speech, THEN went to the hospital. He was practically a superhero. And he liked to wear khaki and pith helmets, so you can be the first of the progressive presidents, a total badass, and an environmentalist. He covers a lot of demographic appeal. Full push-broom mustache a must.

GROUP COSTUMES:

The Beatles - Do Abbey Road, or the Ed Sullivan show suits, or black turtlenecks, or just embody the essence of each Beatle. Do not, I repeat, do NOT do Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. This is colorful and fun and a great album cover - this is NOT a sexy Halloween group costume.

The Princess Bride - Westley would be a great, romantic single costume, but why not have more fun and bring along Inigo Montoya with his rapier and Fessik with some peanuts, and even Humperdink to be a dastardly devil.

Sexy Founding Fathers - Comedy gold and and historically relevant. Look, it's an election year, so you can bet your bippy that there will be more than a few Obamas, Romneys, Ryans, and hell, even Bidens. But what you'd never expect is a group of our nation's founding father's in various states of late 18th century undress. Roll up your khaki pants, hike up your white tube socks, wear some dress shoes and slap on a thermal or (duh) a thermal henley. Boom. Slutty, slutty Andrew Jackson. 

   That wraps up this (FREE - these are free) list of some great sexy male costume ideas for this All Hallows Eve. Let me know how these work out, and happy trick-or-treating, gentlemen.

Henley Monday - 

I really, sincerely hate April Fool's Day. I have never enjoyed practical jokes because they inevitably lead to somebody or somebody's THINGS getting hurt, and it also feels like International Everybody Thinks They Are a Terrific Comedian I'm So Funny LOL JOKES, RIGHT GUYS? Day. I hate it.

My feelings towards it and any and all participants thereof match David Beckham's face exactly. "Oh, but you so recently gave us Becks!" you might say. Yes, but you can never have too much David Beckham in a henley PLUS his hatred for this day is clearly written upon his furrowed brow.

Solidarity, Becks.

Unlikely Loves - Jersey Shore Edition

                         Yesterday I got caught up in a mini-marathon of Pop Up Video (thank Jesus it's back) Jersey Shore. I do not exaggerate when I say it was riveting. Did you know that most of the guys were broke that first summer, and had to actually work at the store to earn money to buy groceries and boardwalk fun times? Ronnie would pick up extra shifts to pay for the extravagant go-karting dates he took Sammi on when their courtship was a mere springtime bud. Oh, the salad days...

Anyways, the whole premise of the show began as: they live in that house in exchange for working at the Shore Store, both owned by the forthright Danny, and MTV films their lives. But what's always been a fuzzy matter for me is, is that house really Danny's? Was this whole plan actually part of what Danny had done in summers past? Or is that the ruse that the producers created to give us something to hold on to as a show?

               Turns out it's all legit. Danny had bought the house years before, ran the store and rented to kids in exchange for pressing t-shirts with witty slogans like "Can you tell your BOOBS to stop staring at my EYES?!" all summer. Sweet deal. Even sweeter when MTV came a-knocking.

You can read a nice little interview about how it all started and how it's been since the show right here: "Take 5 with Danny 'The Boss'" and here: "Danny Merk, Shore Store: The Real-Life Boss from 'Jersey Shore'"

               Another thing that blew my mind is that Danny is the same age as Pauly, making him "allegedly" older than Mike. But if The Situation is truly under 30, then you should also know that this blog has won a Peabody. Regardless, Danny is the same age as those clowns, yet completely has his life together. He was a property owner at 22! He owns his own very lucrative t-shirt and hot-pants business! He's practically a household name!

I love this guy. He seems like a genuinely good dude. That first summer he was a good boss, coming down hard on Angelina (remember how he rode up on his bike to fire her?) and not taking crap from the rest of their sorry butts.

               In the subsequent seasons at the Shore, Danny has taken it in stride that Sitch naps in the backroom and Team Meatballs get day drunk during a shift, because he is not going to look his gift horse in the mouth. The end of this season also showed his lighter side when he brought a friend to help Pauly D. and Vinny pull their greatest prank of flipping the house inside out.

                                              Now, it may be because he is a decidedly atypical denizen of Seaside Heights, and it may be because he's surrounded by gorilla juice-heads, but Danny is not hard on the eyes. I don't think I've ever heard anyone share this, but maybe I need to be the first brave soul to say it.

                     Shore Store Danny is cute! In kind of gaunt and gangly sort of way! It's fine! Whatever! He kind of looks like a blue jay! To each their own! He and Vinny can go on to their post-show relative normalcy together! Fin!

     "Team Meatballs Are the Worst"...such a good sport...

Today is traditionally Henley Monday. It's usually a day for just a little bit of good-looking distraction when we're feeling tired and focusing on our own needs. But while I was working on today's post, the news broke about the explosions at the Boston Marathon. So I decided to change courses just a bit.

On a day when we normally need distractions from that which annoys us, let's focus on the things we're grateful for and put some good energy back into the world. 

Mr. Rogers is not only a national treasure and model of casual menswear at its finest, but someone who always brought positive light and who, even in death, reminds us of the overwhelming good that still exists even in the most trying and confusing of times in our human existence.

Say a prayer or send out your thoughts of peace and healing to the innocent people affected by the tragedy, and say a prayer for the helpers, for the people still working to make things right. Be a helper yourself if you can. Let's bring some comfort and do Mr. Rogers proud.

Menswear Fun Fact: The red sweater Mr. Fred Rogers is wearing in this picture is now on display at the Smithsonian as a "Treasure of American History". That is some powerful casual wear.

Im catching up on Juan's "journey" now and would just like to say that Elise is 27 and Chelsie is 24 and she's calling her a "baby". I also thought it was funny she was telling all this to CASSANDRA THE 21 YEAR OLD.

GIRL. I know it. The thing I frequently forget is that the ages of all the women aren't constantly being flashed across the bottom of a TV screen to the other contestants. So, Elise is just running her mouth to anyone who will listen to her not thinking for a hot second about how old anybody else may be, let alone that she might not be the "most mature" lady there.

Juan Pablo also very likely has little to no idea that Cassandra is but a wee tot herself, and I'm sure she was keeping her mouth shut tight when Elise was slamming Chelsie so hard for being young. Mother or not, 21 is YOUNG for a 32 year old guy. For any guy really. To marry. Don't get married at 21 kids. I've never once seen it end well. But I'm only 25, what the heck do I know? Practically nothing.

As for Elise: take a Xanax and relax and enjoy your all expenses paid trip around the world with your potential boyfriend and some new friends!

The Bachelor - Episode 10 Recap

The Women Tell All

Juan  Pablo’s turbulent season of the Bachelor has moved along at quite the clip. Why, it feels like just yesterday we were eagerly anticipating Juan-uary, blissfully unaware of what a horrendous douche bag Juan Pablo would turn out to be. But here we are at the Women Tell All, one week away from a finale that I’m hoping ends in heartbreak for this guy. I often find this episode to be the most difficult to recap because it is either just a recap itself, or it is so dialogue heavy that it’s hard to pick and choose which quotes make it. And tonight is promised to be a brutally honest show-down between the women and Juan Pablo.

I can’t wait.

Chris Harrison opens by acknowledging that JP is a controversial and divisive Bachelor…and then we cut straight to tromping out Sean and Catherine to catch up about their wedding and their sex life. I care not! I love them, but I care not of their marital bliss!

UUUGGGGHHHH and then we cut to a fully bearded Chris Harrison interviewing another high profile celebrity couple: Miss Piggy and Kermit. It’s all part of their escalating publicity campaign for Muppets Most Wanted that comes out this month.

Ok finally we are at the women. They are all there and looking beautiful. We jump right into a video package of all them talking about how sexy and suave Juan Pablo is, and how he’s attractive because he plays soccer and dances.  I feel like it’s baiting them into explaining why they now think he’s a jerk. `Which they do gladly. It becomes a gigantic pile on of how and why he was maybe not the best guy to try to be in a relationship with.

Andi starts off the dog pile by saying that yes, Juan Pablo was very attractive, but after a while you need something more than a pretty face to sustain a relationship. Danielle, the one they tried to make us forget chimes in that all their conversations stayed very surface level. Lauren S., the awkward and shy music composer, also adds that he would always say “What do you want to know about me?” but never really asked about her, which other women vigorously nod their heads to agree with. “It gave me the impression that he was just not interested,” concludes Lauren S.

But then to switch debate team sides, Renee is there who felt genuine love for this man. She chalks it up to the fact that they were able to bond about their children and parenting which is very deep and not surface level. Ali interjects that Renee, however, did express frustration that their conversation couldn’t get past Ben and Camila. Cassandra, the other mother (who’s deep plumb lipstick I COVET), agrees that they so often didn’t talk about anything other than their kids.

“When you date someone, you connect with someone and you know about their past and you know about their childhood. You know about what pizza they like and what their favorite color is! I don’t think he was asking those types of questions,” Cassandra says, making a really awesome point. Kat says that any time she tried to steer the conversation that way it got weird or shut down.

Then Ali jumps in the dog pile saying, “He asked me where I saw myself in five years. And then the next conversation we had, he asked me where I saw myself in three years, and I was like well pretty close to that five year mark!”

And then we hit kind of the only stumbling block between the women that we get all episode truthfully. Lauren again expresses that she felt he was really hard to connect/relate to and it frustrated a lot of the women how he seemed so “checked out”. To which Kelly, Dog Lover and Dispeller of Discerning Wit, replies “Ok, so, Lauren in the house you were acting very different than you’re acting now. You were very into him. In TEARS in Korea.”

“I was emotional because I was deciding if I either want to move our relationship forward or leave,” retorts Lauren.

So Chris posits this to Kelly, “Is a lot of this just sour grapes that Juan Pablo didn’t pick them?”

“I think so, “ Kelly responds. I agree that is probably the case for some of them, but I do also think that the cold water shock of getting back to reality and not the Bachelor Fantasy World probably made them realize that guy was not the best.

Despite everything that happened between them at the end, Andi does come to his defense a bit. She defends that he was there “for the right reasons”, but that his end goal was different than theirs. He wanted to get a “girlfriend” that after everything was over he could figure things out with, but the women came there for a husband.

And here’s another weird thing about this season. There is usually a villain to rail against: one woman who was the source of all the drama, all the negativity in the house, who must be tromped out on stage to atone for her sins. But there isn’t a woman this time. It’s the Bachelor himself.  Chris Harrison, ever on my side, agrees that he has never been part of a Women Tell All quite like this one.

Next we’re going to pile on to Juan Pablo for having a set of cockamamie rules that he changed whenever he felt like it in regards to kissing. Kat feels like it was confusing. Kelly thinks he used Camila as an excuse for the chemistry not being there.

“He didn’t say ‘Camila’ whenever he was in the ocean,” she says. BOOM. Kelly! Please host your own show!

Renee comes in to defend him a bit with his choice not to kiss her out of consideration for her son Ben, but Kat feels like that may have been a cop-out too. Kat also goes on to add that while she loves the moms, him always referring to the as “my special ones” made her questions, “Well, what the hell am I?”

And while Chris helps clarify that it was because Juan Pablo is also a parent and wanted to make sure Renee and Cassandra felt understood, Kat (and I) think he should have just cut the word “special” from his vocabulary. Cassandra even agrees. She was a “special one” and even she was frustrated by the constant changing of the rules.

She goes on to explain that on their one-on-one date, there “was a lot of chemistry, a lot of kissing” and then he would go straight to Renee to tell her that he wanted to wait with her. So ultimately, she says, “It made me feel like he’s either not respecting Renee, or he’s not respecting me.”

And after that little ordeal we move right along to the Clare and the Ocean drama! Andi and Kat were both flabbergasted that they had no idea whatsoever that had happened because they were rooming with her. But the girls are more offended by the extended hot tub make out they had DURING the group date.  Kelly and Kat both say “that was way more disrespectful!” at the same time!

But back to the ocean, Chris Harrison says, “He had great regret and shame the next day, and he seemed to put that shame on Clare. Did he handle that situation correctly?” And NO is the resounding answer from all the women and the entire studio audience.

“I just don’t think he manned up like he should have in that situation. Honestly he’s just as to blame, if not more,” Sharleen pipes up. They all share that he was being a cowardly jackass who was slut-shaming Clare completely unfairly. Andi sticks up for Clare saying she knew what a great connection they had and took advantage of a situation. It’s completely on Juan Pablo for letting it explode and backfire the way it did. Alright, with that we end the guerilla warfare on Juan Pablo.

Sharleen gets up on the hot seat! Sharleen seemed a little divisive amongst you guys. Some felt like she was the breath-of-fresh-air, every-woman this show had been so sorely lacking, some of you felt like she was just awkward and strange and unpleasant. I think she was a bit of a combination of all those things. Chris Harrison feels like the relationship shared between she and Juan Pablo was such a hot-cold crazy thing, the likes of which he hasn’t really seen before.

“I think that honestly, I was honest the entire time,” she says when Chris asks her to talk about her experience. Cut to the video package that recaps their time together. We are forced to relive a lot of those hideous kisses.

She talks about how when they were together there was a great physical connection, but that so many of us have been in that place where the chemistry is there so you try and justify and fill in all the other holes and empty spaces. They laugh about the ever elusive “cerebral connection”.

Sharleen does come to Juan Pablo’s defense in that she found him to be “very curious” and would ask her questions about her life abroad and other cultures etc. But Chris chalks that up to her being Juan Pablo’s favorite from the get-go. Sharleen admits to having no idea how well favored she was, and the other women are like, “GIRL, PLEASE!”. They alllll knew how special she was. But ultimately, “it’s a two way street and that didn’t stop me from leaving” Sharleen concludes. She has few regrets and is glad she made the decision to leave. Huzzah, Sharleen you are a class act.

Now it’s Renee’s turn to drag her heart through the mud again. I have so much respect for this woman, so I’ll be interested to hear what she has to say about Juan Pablo. Renee is very level headed, very kind so she might be easier on him than the other women. Renee acknowledges that while she did feel love for him, they were so far behind everyone else. She was the last to kiss him, and they just moved slowly. But ultimately, Renee doesn’t regret coming on the show because she gained confidence that you can date as a single mom. And she also says she’s in a “situation now where I’m very happy”!!! I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, RENEE! BEST WISHES TO YOU AND YOURS! CLASS ACT FOR THE AGES!

Andi, come on down! It’s time for our hero Andi to take a turn in the hot seat. They dive right in about what happened in the Fantasy Suite that fateful night. Andi admits that at first when the cameras left, they did have a bit of a good time, but it quickly turned into Juan Pablo talking about his soccer, his traveling, the famous people he’s met. She also says he talked very negatively about the “whole process” and was so negative, and borderline ungrateful for the opportunity, that she felt sucked into it.

“I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” she laughs.

“Was that sarcastic?” Chris asks.

“Oh no, that is actually zero sarcasm. I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” responds Andi.

She then rehashes a lot of the things she was upset about when she left in St. Lucia. He was rude and talked explicitly about his date with Clare and no woman wants to hear that. Andi also does  a good job clarifying that he wasn’t “mean” to her, per say, but that the things he said and the way he said them were rude and disrespectful, unintentionally. Which to my mind is almost worst, to be a total jackass and not even realizing how hurtful you’re being. Wake up, buddy!

The best part though is when Andi admits to faking being asleep to get the date over with as soon as possible. She and old Chrarrison have a hearty laugh over that one. And they end by saying that Andi is not “in a situation” like Renee, but that she’s still looking for love. So they have set her up perfectly to be the next Bachelorette.

AND NOOOOW, ARE YOU READY TO RUUUMMMMBBBBLLEEEEEE??? JUAN PABLO IS HERE. He says right away that while he’s anxious and nervous to be there, he hopes he can be friends with many of these women after the final rose is done. Also he doesn’t regret anything he’s said or done!

“I’d rather be not appreciated for being honest than being appreciated for not being honest,” he says. He really would rather be rude and offensive speaking “the truth” than just say things a little differently and not be such a jag. Cool. Sounds right.

Lauren S. calls him out right away for using Camila as an excuse to not kiss her, rather than just saying the chemistry wasn’t there. His hackles go up and he says “no, no, no” and explains that he wasn’t there to kiss twenty-seven women, no no, he was there to get to know them and see if he felt something. So if he felt like he wanted to kiss them, he would’ve kissed them.  Which is cool because it is 100% up to the man to decide whether or not a kiss should happen because what do a woman’s feelings matter anyway HA HA HA?!?!?!

Juan Pablo also dives into a speech about how the part where Renee says how crushed Ben was after the last boyfriend and her broke up wasn’t televised. So he wan’t to spare Ben from that heartache and distress over why a man would kiss his mom and then leave forever. Baloney.

Which is where Cassandra, all of the sudden my hero this episode, says, “Honestly, if you cared about Ben’s feelings, you wouldn’t have gone on the hometown and met Ben only to send Renee home.”

To which Juan Pablo replies, “Why not?” because he’s the WORST.

“Before a hometown, you should have known if Renee might have been for you. And if you knew that Renee wasn’t for you, then you should have never met her son,” replies Cassandra.

“Why?” he says with the most condescending expression on his face. He says he introduces to Camila to whoever on the first date, as a “friend” or whatever. Which seems like the trope in the beginning of a 90s movie about children of divorce that are always being introduced to a parent’s “friend” all the while knowing that parent was dating cheap, no-good men/women. CAMILA GETS IT, JP. STOP DOING THAT.

Chantel calls him out for saying that keeping things fair line over and over and yet calling two women “special” and treating them differently. I think we’re getting a little caught up in the semantics of the phrase, rather than him not treating all the women as equals. He says that when he was on the Bachelorette it was different because Camila had her mom, but for these two, “they don’t”. Meaning the kids don’t have their moms, but don’t they have their dads? If they do, then this just reveals more of Juan Pablo’s unbending gender roles that a mom is the primary care-giver and dad’s can’t/shouldn’t do as much. Or the dads aren’t around and it is truly harder.

So Lauren H. the weeping Mineral Coordinator from night one chimes in with some sound reasoning and redeems herself a lot. She says that it is good to have those connections with the moms in the group, but to acknowledge and act compassionate towards the whole group because everyone is in a similar place. Way to go, Lauren H.! Coordinate those minerals!

Andi speaks up for Juan Pablo and it’s good because she expresses for him what he might not be able to. She says that he wan’t putting Renee and Cassandra above everyone else, but wanted to make sure they knew that he saw them differently.

“It’s not a game, this is like a relationship. And I think everyone here just wanted to be treated like they were in a unique and individual relationship with you,” Lucy tells Juan Pablo. This is great. All these women have really shown up tonight with their best, smart, strong sides showing. Girl Power, Lucy!

And then Kelly takes off the gloves and asks Juan Pablo point blank about what he meant in that infamous interview where he said gay people are “more pervert”. “Coming from a parent who is gay, I was hurt by that,” Kelly says. Juan Pablo looks right at her and says that he would love to really take the time after this to talk to her because that was taken out of context.

“Pervert? Was taken out of context?! Tell me that in Spanish,” she demands. Kelly is emotional here and that’s fair. Then Victoria joins in that he needs to stop using “English as a second language” as an excuse because she didn’t learn English until she was fifteen, and it’s making everyone look bad. I agree with that whole-heartedly!

But, I do feel like Juan Pablo is not a raging homophobe and that it’s possible he was misquote and misrepresented in that interview. He tries to defend himself but also gets a little too on the defensive that he’s not going to answer that right now. Whereas I think he could have used this time to really apologize and explain what happened. “I have no problem with them because I respect them. They were born that way!” he says. Sharleen also comes to his defense in saying that they talked about it in Seoul and feels like he is open minded and accepting. I believe Sharleen, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

And then we cut straight to bloopers! Chris Harrison says, “here’s your bloopers” like “here’s your gosh darn bloopers you ungrateful, dramatic loons!”

And that’s that. Thank God. Next week we are moving back to St. Lucia to see a very tearful final episode between two rival women on the show. Who will Juan Pablo chose? Clare? Nikki? No one?! What happens! I can’t wait! See you there my lovelies! Juan Pablo drinking game rules up on Monday for the premiere and recap up on Wednesday! Tell me all about your viewing parties and how you’re celebrating too! BESOS.

For the past two weeks I have been watching ALL OF THE SPORTS on the Olympics and crying so many tears at every human interest piece and subsequent gold medal win. It's been the best. But, due to all the Olympic hullaballoo, my favorite summer TV show has been on hiatus.

So You Think You Can Dance went on a, very wise, two week break so they didn't have to worry about competing with the games. But I miss it! I miss it so much! Which is why when I saw this video yesterday I was filled with awe and wonder and joy. It contains enough artistry and incredible technique to tide me over until the show returns next Wednesday.

So please enjoy as much as I did, also, as much as Yo-Yo Ma clearly did. I think it's so amazing how much these two are collaborating and inspiring each other. 

And just in case it's not enough, click through here to watch one of my favorite feel-good routines from the show that I don't think got enough credit.

Come back to me soon, Cat Deeley!

The Bachelorette - The Men Tell All Recap

Guys, guys, guys, guys! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE PENULTIMATE RECAP BEFORE THE WHOLE SHOW COMES TO A DRAMATIC CLOSE! This is also the final recap I have to complete in order to be “caught up” with the show. It may have taken me three weeks to get “caught up” but catch up I did! But you won’t catch ME putting KATSUP on my hotdogs because I’m a Chicago girl, OKAY?! Ha ha ha, we have fun here don’t we? I’ve had a few beers tonight, and we are entering into hour six of the Bachelorette that I have consumed this week alongside little else in terms of entertainment so I fear I may be losing it. Bear with me though because sometimes a few loose screws is all it takes to make the ride FUN (and sometimes deadly but today it’s about FUN).

My main man Chris Harrison comes trotting out to his blue-lit platform of love to welcome us to a very special evening. Before anything regarding the current season happens, we have some time to kill with Ashley and JP who are pregnant with their first child! They are my favorite couple ever from this show, and maybe ever in general. I just ADORE Ashley and JP, and Ashley is a stunningly beautiful pregnant woman.

She is due in October, and we also learn that they moved to Miami. Cool stuff guys. I love you, but what are we doing here? Oh. Oh God. Oh my god. We are doing a live ultra-sound. Oh no. Oh my. They are going to “find out if it’s a boy or a girl right here.” Which, we as an audience will, but Ashley posted a sonogram a while ago of a baby boy. So that’s not really breaking live television.

But we’re really going through with this. We are honest to God doing a live ultra-sound with Ashley busting open her cute maxi-dress just a bit and the doctor slopping on the goop. First they make a SOLID joke of putting Chris Harrison’s face over the ultra-sound image. I laugh for what feels like hours (jk). Then the technician mashes the ultra-sound thingy all over her stomach to show “an ear” (a blob) and “a thumb” (another blob) and finally reveal that it’s a boy!

JP says he would’ve been happy no matter what, as long as it’s healthy, but is thrilled to be getting a son. Ugh. I hated that so much, but Ashley and JP are still so cute I can’t stand it. And I guess if you could basically fulfill your child’s college fund by doing a live ultra-sound of it before it’s even in its third trimester, you would do that.

Now we get an extended preview of Bachelor in Paradise which is going to be juicy and vile and so fun and so, so hard to watch. I can’t wait. I don’t recap the Bachelor Pad/In Paradise seasons, but you can bet I’ll be tweeting my thoughts like crazy.

Nearly twenty minutes into the show, we finally get to the Men of the Men Tell All. Everybody is back and looking sharp. They do a little practical joke by everyone wearing scarves! I mean yes, a bunch of the guys wore scarves this season, so it’s cute, but I would have thought they were genius if it had been turtlenecks.

Ugh, man, remember how hot Hot Carl was? Hot Carl is still so, so hot. Coach Brian is adorable as ever. Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face managed a hair cut between filming and now, but it’s still some pretty bad hair.

The first video package rolled is the overview of all the negative drama between the guys from this season. We get Craig drinking too much; we get JJ saying it’s hard to be happy for other guys’ successes; we get Andrew being a gold medalist douche canoe; and we get Andrew being a racist douche kayak.

Chrarrison decides to dive in head first to “the most sensitive issue of the season”, WHICH IS NOT ERIC’S DEATH MIND YOU, but the alleged racist comment made by Andrew. Racism = very sensitive issue, but I just think the whole way they sensationalized Eric’s death is a little more sensitive. But they don’t care what I think do they?

Anyways Marquel talks a little about how after hearing from his close friend JJ what Andrew might have said, he wanted to pray and think about how to address the situation. The audience applauds as he said he knew he was representing not only himself but also his family, his friends, and many others. Ron, who was the other man of color included in the original alleged statement that Andi chose “the two blackies,” commends Marquel for how respectfully and gentlemanly he handled himself.

And then the funniest most horrendous thing happens. Andrew starts to say his part and says, “I completely agree with the way that Ron approached…” and is interrupted by Marquel saying and pointing at himself, “Marquel”.

“I’m sorry what?”

“Marquel…You said Ron,” Marquel gently says.

And then you can see the color and light leave Andrew’s face as he apologizes. Now, Marquel says, “No worries.” But I feel like he SHOULD be worried because in a discussion where Andrew is desperately trying to clear his name for being an alleged racist, THE ABSOLUTE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS CONFUSE THE ONLY TWO BLACK GUYS SITTING IN FRONT OF YOU. Now, to be fair, Ron had just spoken. But also, to be fair, they are two completely different people, and Andrew spent a lot more time with Marquel. And also oh my GOD you guys he called him by the wrong black person’s naaaaaaaaaaaaame.

So then they get down to really trying to divine what happened and what was said. We get to see the video of it where you can only see that he leans over to say something to JJ, but there’s no audio. Then Nick S says that he knows something was said, but there was a lot of chatter.

Andrew continues to be kind of a smug jerk about it, though. He’s such an asshole, that whether or not he did say “blackies”, he’s still a shit-hole of a person. Andrew attacks JJ and tears him down by saying that his credibility is spent and that he’s a person who doesn’t deserve respect. And shut up Andrew. Look at your life. Look at your choices. I would like to cordially invite you to eat boners, so shut up. I would like to be done with Andrew.

Farmer Chris even gets on the hating on JJ train. I just don’t think JJ is a bad dude. They are all questioning at this point how JJ handled what he heard, and that JJ is a snake. But Marquel, being a good dude, brings it all back around to how he loses respect for Andrew for  deflecting all this blame rather than just straight up apologizing to Marquel for anything potentially offending him. “I can forgive you for what you said, but I can never forgive the ignorance that is racism,” Marquel says. And Andrew is trying to applaud too and be like “I agree!” And then FINALLY Andrew apologizes. It took him ten minutes of accusations flying to apologize.

Apparently Marquel was a huge fan favorite this season, and I missed that memo.  But before Marquel gets into the hot seat, JJ decides to interrupt. Oh god here we go again. What is it JJ? He tries to get off his chest that he’s sorry if his actions were misconstrued, and then Chris and Brian both basically tell him to shut up. I don’t know. I don’t care about JJ’s role in this, so let’s move on.

Let’s talk to Marquel about god knows what because what is there even to talk to Marquel about? We hear more from Andi about Marquel in this video package than we ever did during the show. When he and the Chrarrs sit down to talk, they boil everything down to him being stuck in the Friend Zone. Ok. I will give Marquel a ton of bonus points for wearing an adorable cookie lapel pin on his jacket. And then he hands out cookies to the audience! Marquel is a class act, but he’s going to be on Bachelor in Paradise which concerns me. We’ll just have to see.

Marcus gets up on the hot seat to talk about his shocking goodbye. The women go wild for him, and much like Marquel, I just don’t get it. Marcus has only the kindest things to say about how he truly loved Andi and that she helped him mature and grow as a man. He is looking forward to talking to Andi about a few things.  

But again, Marcus is on Bachelor in Paradise, so I’m not TOO worried about either his willingness or his ability to find love. Chris Harrison is talking about Bachelor in Paradise as if it hasn’t already happened though. Am I in a fever dream? Did they not already show us ten minutes of preview?

Next is Chris’ turn in the hot seat with Chrarrison. The women go absolutely bonkers for him, and I can’t blame them.  Chris also speaks very highly of Andi, but wishes that he could have had more time with her and perhaps different time, where it could have been just the two of them.

And then Chris is interrupted by what I can only guess is a full blown psychotic woman from the audience. Even Chris Harrison is stunned, saying, “Apparently this is an open mic talk show now.” So this woman’s name is Ketra which is a CRAZY name. And then she sits down on the couch and says she’s Canadian and from a small town, and asks “Do you think you’re going to meet someone in Iowa?” WHAT THE HELL? THAT’S A BIZARRE QUESTION. She’s beautiful. But obviously crazy. Chris is blushing hardcore because how uncomfortable is this?

Chrarrison puts them on a speed date while we are on a commercial break, and that sounds horrid. Poor Chris. Obviously being set up with a beautiful but clearly INSANE woman. Chris is respectful and delightful as she leaves him her phone number, but I still feel like that’s never going to happen because she’s out of her goddamn mind.

Finally, we trot Andi out on stage in a skintight, sparkly number. She looks great. We go first to Chris to talk to Andi. He asks what happened to lead to her letting him go. So, Andi just kind of repeats herself from what she said when she actually broke up with Chris. Then Marcus asks Andi what happened, and if his saying “I love you” so fast scared her. Andi repeats herself again that she just didn’t feel the same way as fast as Marcus. Then Cody fires away that he’s sad Andi never got to see “The Real Cody”, and Andi is like, well I just wasn’t feeling it so I owed you the respect to just send you home.

Now Marquel fires one off! What the heck is this? I feel like she’s up against a firing squad. She is 100% holding her own though and respectfully, diplomatically answering every question. Marquel asks why they didn’t get out of the friend zone. Andi says she thinks the romance wasn’t there, and they just always had fun as friends. They laugh when he jokes how she was too shy to kiss him but really he was too shy to kiss her.

Then Nick S fires away that he feels that she really had her guard up when they were talking at the second rose ceremony. Shut up Nick S, no one cares about you. Andi is so kind in saying that it’s hard to just constantly be vulnerable and she’s sorry if he felt he was being brushed off. Once again, shut up dude.

Then Chrarrison introduces Andi to the infamous party crasher Chris Bukowski. He’s in the audience because he’s on Bachelor in Paradise. So they finally get to meet from across a studio audience.

And that’s the end of that. What the hell? That was the strangest Q&A I’ve ever seen on this show. And so short. It was just a rapid fire rehashing of things we’ve already discussed ad nauseam on the show.

Chrarrison helps clear the air that Andi is not in any way pregnant. Then Chris brings out the results of the lie detector tests from Italy. We find out that Coach Brian, Farmer Chris, and JJ told no lies. Marcus lied about having slept with fewer than twenty women. Oopsies. Dylan told the truth about NOT always washing his hands, so he whips out his hand sanitizer. But his lies were about preferring brunettes AND being ready for marriage. When it comes down to Josh’s results though, Andi decides to not reveal his results and let the trust remain.

Then it’s finally time for bloopers! They are short this year and not really worth it. But the show is now over! WHAT A WEIRD MEN TELL ALL. THE WEIRDEST.

I will see you all on Monday for the posting of the Official Drinking Game Rules! The recap will go up on Wednesday, but I will be live tweeting the finale over @Chasspod so join me there! Fill up that ask box if you have any burning questions left on your minds going into the finale. I’ll see you there.

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

Ok night two. Once again I am armed with Summer Shandy (the nectar of the gods) and ready to take on everything this episode has to throw at me. And if previews and general hubbub is to be trusted, it’s going to throw a lot at me. So let’s not waste any more time and get to it!

Andi is bringing her show on the road to the East Coast and more specifically…Connecticut? Sure. Why not go to Connecticut on a mission for love. It is very lovely, but just not the usual for the Bachelorette. Whoever is willing to sponsor though, am I right?

Farmer Chris is so excited to keep Andi warm in snowy Connecticut and can’t believe how nice their hotel is! He’s so sweet and simple I just diiiie. The date card comes as soon as the men have toured their plush ass suite and the first one-on-one is going to Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face!!! Someone in the house has convinced him to gel his hair less, so I’m excited for how this goes. Put down the hair gel! Take the world by storm Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face!

They are taking the Essex Steam Train on a whimsical, charming journey along the eastern seaboard. “You know I think Dylan and I’s [sic] relationship is going to take a turn today,” Andi says. And I burry my face in my hands and shake my little head because “I’s” IS NOT A WORD. THE POSSESIVE FORM OF I IS MY AND YOU ALL KNOW THAT SO STOP TRYING TO SAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN “MY” WHEN YOU MEAN “MY”. THERE IS NO “I’S”.

Ahem, anyhow. They settle into the lounge car and start to talk about dates and past relationships blaaaaaaaah. Dylan’s Bad Hair is really, really bad today. Less gel, but it’s so, so long. He talks about his last relationship that lasted 8 years and that he found out his ex got engaged the day after his brother’s funeral. He then stares out the window to hold back from crying.

This all makes Andi uncomfortable. She can “feel Dylan’s story weighing him down and she just wants him to feel comfortable enough to open up to her. Their conversation doesn’t come so easy and natural, and Andi feels that the weight of his “story” is holding them back. I’m feeling the same, and that if he also can’t get past his nerves, he’ll be going home without a rose tonight.

Group Date Card says “Who’s got game?” and everyone turns into crazy gorillas. JJ, Chris, Andrew, Eric, Nick, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brian, Patrick, and Josh. Josh is disappointed to not be getting a coveted one-on-one date but is going to try to make the most of the situation.

The love train has made a stop so that the lovebirds can have some dinner and talk things over. Andi is wearing another stunning black turtleneck and this strange overcoat thing that looks like something Emily Gilmore would wear.

Andi tries really hard to make Dylan feel comfortable and tells him that he can open and be “the real Dylan…sooner rather than later.” He starts to steel himself up to bring out the truth and just put things on the table.

“Right now it’s just me and my mom, and my grandma, grandfather, and uncle,” Dylan says. He shares he never grew up with a father. And then delves into the story about how both his sister and brother, within three years of each other, died from drug overdoses. He cries while telling her, and Andi has tears welling up in her eyes because you can see how hard it is for Dylan to share. Oh Dylan, sweet, sweet Dylan BH-GF.

“I don’t want you to just feel bad for me and keep me around because of that,” he says. He keeps dabbing his eyes with his napkin. Where they are is where he grew up with his family and it’s flooding him with good memories. Andi almost feels guilty and cries to camera because she wishes she hadn’t stirred up all those feelings for Dylan.

As they sit with FULL PLATES OF UNTOUCHED FOOD in front of them, Andi gives him the date rose for being so brave, and vulnerable, and open with her. Hooray for Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face! He really does have a sweet, sweet face. Let’s just hope he can really pull it through and be a great, fun, whole person now that the nerves are gone.

It’s time for the group date now. There is a full basketball arena within the hotel they’re staying in, so they all arrive to shoot some hoops. Everybody shows off their skills, and Brian is so excited to be on his home turf as a basketball player/coach. But he’s being sweet about it, not ass-holey about it like Bradley with opera.

Then Andi comes out with her dream team of WNBA superstars. Josh is thoroughly impressed because he is a fan of WNBA, and that makes me a much bigger fan of Josh! The women obviously smoke the dudes who flounder like so many fish against titans of strength and power.

And then the terrible thing that I hate happens. They get split up into teams to play against each other, and only the winning team gets to continue on the date later that night. No, no, no. NO. This has never turned out well for anyone ever in the storied history of this show. Brian takes it upon himself to coach and pump the team up. This episode has made me a fan of Brian. “Hustle and defense wins championships,” he tells them. It’s so cute.

Josh is the captain of the other team and they are getting pumped up like a bunch of meat heads. Farmer Chris says, “Come on! We can kick their asses!” and it’s the CUTEST THING BECAUSE HE’S SO SWEET YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T REALLY MEAN IT. Oh Farmer Chris, you have my heart.

The game starts, and testosterone levels are through the roof. The competition is fierce, and as the game goes on, the WNBA stars giving color commentary and sage advice to Andi. I want to keep them around for color commentary and sage advice all the time please.

At halftime, the game is tied. Both teams are fully expecting to win. Marquel is so sure that he thinks the other boys are going back to the hotel “to eat cereal or whatever it is that losers eat.” Excuse me, Marquel? Everyone knows that Cereal is the breakfast of champions. Check yourself.

But the game very easily goes to the Red Team captained by Brian. They dominate out there, and the white team is so sad. Josh is especially disappointed because he hates losing but also really hates losing time with Andi. The whole team are such sad, rejected pound puppies.

The Red Team is Brian, Cody, Eric, Nick, Andrew, and Marquel. Andi is excited that the second half of the date is a much smaller group and a more low key group.

Andi pulls Eric aside first to talk. She is worried that their relationship is not moving forward enough and tells him as much. They are both really honestly talking about how hard the situation is and how hard it is to be so formal all the time. Andi really pulls to have him talk more about his life other than his work. So in the interest of opening up more, he tells her all about his family.

And then he drops a huge bomb that he was raised Mormon, and she had no idea about that. He shares how giving up his religion did not mean that he lost his family like he feared.  And they really have a good talk, so much so that Andi feels like they are back on track to where they should be.

With Brian, they head back to the court so he can give her some personal lessons in basketball. He’s so patient and really great with her. He’s another one of those guys that is so normal and nice and good-looking but not too perfect attractive. As a bet, he makes a perfect half-court shot. Andi is really taken by this and so attracted to him. He doesn’t take the opportunity to kiss her though! He should have! He knows he should have and missed all the signs! BRIAN!

Of course the time spent with Nick is great and all kissy-kissy because those two really like each other. Nick is totally smitten with her.

But Brian does get the date rose as he should have! He was so great all day as MVP on and off the court, so hopefully he’ll get his kiss later on.

So Marcus is getting the second one-on-date in a card that said “The sky’s the limit.” Andi is really nervous for this date because she’s going to overcome her fear of heights. They are repelling off the hotel, 30 stories down. So dumb. If you’re going to repel off anything, why a freaking hotel in the middle of nowhere Connecticut?

It’s very windy, and both Marcus and Andi are really freaking out. As they sit on the ledge about to click in, Marcus says, “Any last words?” and she goes, “F**K”. Which sums up the whole experience pretty well.

Marcus clicks in and gets set, and Andi seriously has a panic attack and can’t get off the ledge. Marcus is actually really great through the whole thing. He’s encouraging her and helping her and is really awesome about the whole thing. They finally get all set and start repelling. They are repelling right by the Bachelor’s plush ass suite and everyone waves!

Marcus gets her feeling comfortable by talking about her mom! And it’s so, so cute. I’m starting to get Marcus a little. He gets her talking about her mom who plays majong and golfs poorly. And then it’s smooth sailing. They kiss on the side of the building, and celebrate like crazy when they finally make it down. Good for them.

At dinner, the first thing Marcus does is cover up the date rose so it doesn’t make him nervous. He opens up about learning to trust again after his last relationship ended very suddenly and admits he feels he can trust Andi. She eats this up, duh. And of course Marcus gets the date rose. And he deserves it. I might be coming around on Marcus a little bit.

And then the bonus at the end of the date is a concert by Jon Hardy (???) the traditional C-list country singer they always tromp out for these things. They kiss and dance on the little platform and Marcus tells her he thinks he’s falling in love with her. Which is…fast…

The day of the rose ceremony is upon us and I guess this is where all the drama will be going down today. In her suite, Andi gets a special delivery of a love letter from a secret admirer. She thinks it’s cute. I think it’s dumb. Standard stuff.

As the men gather in their formal wear for the ceremony, you can tell how tense everyone is. Andi feels great and “a sense of calm” going into tonight which is some great dramatic irony knowing what’s to come. Her dress looks like gilded crocodile skin, and it’s sort of fine but very Dreamgirls.

Tasos pulls Andi aside first to talk to her, and they have a nice chat. Tasos is sort of fine. Tolerable but nothing special. They get interrupted by Brian who wants to make up for missing the opportunity to kiss her the other night. So he takes her back to center court to kiss her, and it’s pretty cute. It’s all dark in there, and I am a fan of Coach Brian. So is Andi.

Then she’s got time with Marquel. She really likes him and how goofy he is, but that’s why I don’t like him. Marquel is a clown. He’s just never serious and yeah it’s nice to laugh but ughhh just straighten out a little Marquel. He teaches her some self defense while he sits on a loveseat.

Then Eric wants to pull her aside and tell her how he’s feeling. He says that when he woke up, he realized that if things are going how they’ve been going, they are going nowhere. So Eric pulls her aside to say that he feels like Andi isn’t being open and vulnerable with him. He says he’s had glimpses of the real her but ultimately says, “I came here to meet a real person, not a TV actress.”

Woooooow. Heavy. I mean. Yikes. On the one hand, maybe she isn’t sharing as much deep stuff with the guys as they are with her, but that’s just the nature of the show. That’s what they signed up for. So on the one hand, he has a point, but also it’s just the show.

He goes on to say he feels like she always has a poker face on. She takes great offense to this. Andi is taken aback and fires back at him saying how tired she is trying to make every person there feel respected and heard. She’s doing her absolute best for everyone, and so for him to fire out that she’s just “acting” and “fake” is incredibly hurtful. She starts to cry and raises her voice to such a degree that the other guys hear her.

“I cannot fight for someone who doesn’t believe in me, and I don’t think you do,” says Andi. And she calls it quits on him right there. They hug and wish each other the best but it’s cold on both sides. The shit…hath hitteth…the fan..eth.

Eric walks away feeling, in general, really surprised about the way that went down. I think at the bottom of it, he wanted to say that he wanted to get to know the real Andi and keep breaking down their walls together, and instead it just came off as an attack of character. I truly don’t believe he meant for it to be that way, but when you pair all those high stakes emotions with  Andi being exhausted and stretched a little too thin, it’s explosive. He gets into a cab and the final voice over we hear from Eric is about how ready he is right now for love and a family because that is what life is all about. And then my heart bleeds out a little because that is so sad.

As for the other guys, Andi walks right into the room and tells them that if anyone else thinks she has a poker face and thinks it’s a joke, then they can just walk themselves out right there. “If anyone else thinks this isn’t real, there’s the door because this is SO real to me!” she says. She apologizes for feeling like she’s yelling at them, but she’s just feeling passionate.

And then something a little strange happens. When we come back from commercial, we see Chris Harrison on a set. Chrarrison tells us that in light of Eric’s passing, they decided that they should spend some time talking about Eric rather than showing a dramatic rose ceremony. Andi is there too, and they just talk about his time on the show and that final scene we just watched go down. It’s hard to do this without making his life seem trivial, so I’ll just leave it that everyone was really heartbroken to hear of his passing. Andi also laments that that was the last conversation she had with him and didn’t get a chance to kind of forgive each other at the Men Tell All.

And then Chris Harrison mentions very briefly that tonight we’ve said goodbye to Tasos, and that’s pretty much that. I don’t feel the best about how they did that, but what else would I have had them do? I’m not sure.

In good news, we are traveling to Europe next episode! The bad news is that there’s a two week break before the next episode hits the tubes. They are traveling to Marseilles, France, and I am the most jealous you can imagine. It’s beautiful; there’s miming; there’s drama; there’s more turtlenecks! I’ll see you all here in two long week’s time. Please pop on over and join me on Twitter @chasspod and let’s fill up that Ask Box to help tide us all over. Love!

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

Let's get this started, y'all! In the words of Montell Jordan - thiiis is hooow we dooo it.

The crew this week heads up to one of my top ten places I want to visit before I die: Lake Louise in the Canadian Rockies. Boy am I jealous of these crazies. Along with the promise of beautiful scenery, is the promise of Tierra having an extreme hypothermic episode in which all her mascara goes bye-bye.

Man do they love using the music from Intervention to score dramatic scenes in this show. I mean, they are definitely the same level of intensity so it makes sense.Sean is really excited because did you know? He loves the outdoors. He is an outdoorsy man.

The women are thrilled to be at their fancy hotel too, but concerned about Sean after he was so serious at the last rose ceremony. Lesley somberly says, “Honestly, you could tell it – on his face.” Now, to be fair, Lesley is one of the more intelligent girls there but help me out, girl.

Catherine, who is vegan but has managed to only mention it once, bless her, is going on the first one-on-one this week. She’s pretty adorable, and I kind of am hoping she becomes a front-runner. She beams at the camera, “I know today is just gonna be perfect,” and looks like a cuddly woodland creature.

Cut to her standing on the middle of an ice-field completely alone and presumably freezing her vegan ass off. She tells us she was “scared as hell” and then over the hill, appears a snow trekking vehicle from the Ice Planet Hoth. They play and giggle and have fun all their merry way in the snow bus, and then they play and giggle and have more funsicles up on a glacier! They are basically bunnies. They are bunnies.

They share some hot chocolate from a thermos (ROMANCE), and Catherine says she hasn’t had chocolate since she was “like, four”. Which is a HUGE missed opportunity to consume delicious beverages on her part. I also have to wonder if it’s Vegan, because even the powdered stuff have dehydrated dairy in it, no?

Sean tells us that Catherine has passed “the Blizzard Test” and then tries his hand at comedy one more time by saying, “Canada, eh?” to Catherine and boy does she giggle! They are discovering what comedy is together! Ha, ha, ha, oh, JOKES!

THEY GET IN A SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP to take them to the dinner portion of their date in an ICE CASTLE. BUT SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP. It’s very romantic and nice. Then Catherine tells a sob-story about how one time a tree fell on her best friend and killed her before her eyes when she was twelve. Now, look. This is terrible. This is indeed traumatic and probably formative, but relevant? Not sure. Important to your romance? Probably not? Whatever, Sean eats it all up and is googley eyed over her.

To let her know just how special she is, Sean gives her the rose like he’s given to all the other girls who are still here at least five times.

GROUP DATE. We have an exhilarating challenge that will follow a canoe trip across Lake Louise. Based on yesterday’s relay race, this will not be the easiest day. Also, once again, Sarah the girl with one arm is forced to do an activity best served by two hands and two arms. But, surprisingly, she does really well and aces it.

Lesley is in Sean’s boat and all the other girls are jealous that she volunteered to be in his boat when he asked.

When they reach the other side of the lake, Sean reveals that they will be completing a polar bear plunge! It’s a glacial lake, so the water is just above freezing. The girls are not obligated to complete this challenge, but Sean reminds them that YOLO. Then two Canadian life guards trot out to safety brief them. The girls look miserable. Selma is refusing. Tierra scowls. One lifeguard is ginger and looks like he has never seen other people before despite being a lifeguard. Maybe he’s a moose lifeguard, or bear lifeguard, or tree lifeguard because get it? There are no people in most of Canada.

Most girls are hesitant. Lindsay is thrilled. All we know is that it’s freezing but looks fun. I’ve done a polar bear plunge on New Years before and it is indeed exhilarating, but also painfully cold. That’s not really important. I just wanted to toss that out there.

With a selection of hikers watching, Selma prissily tells Sean no way will she do this. He half-heartedly encourages her to try it, but you can kinda tell he doesn’t care either way. Then Selma reminds us she is from Bagdad and doesn’t do cold, but she was also pissed that he brought an Iraqi to a desert so I guess there’s no winning with her.

The girls SCREECH into bikinis then SCREECH to the water’s edge, then SCREECH as they all take the final steps into the plunge and then, you guessed it, SCREECH as they run back to the tent to a flimsy little terry cloth robe. Somehow everyone’s makeup looks great. Then they SCRECH to camera about how great it felt, and how fun it was, and I’m like “YEAH, IT’S GREAT! I’M PROUD OF YOU TOO” and I realize I’ve been watching a lot of this show this week.

Then tragedy strikes. Tierra is gasping for air and hunched over and her makeup is dripping down her face like a monster. The ginger wildlifeguard has his time to shine as they wrap her in space blankets and race to a car to warm her little body. Faking it. She’s faking it.

Dez and Catherine see the emergency scene and are very concerned! They have no idea who it could be, and therefore don’t know it’s Tierra faking an illness once again. The medical team does very official work, and stabilize her. While they stabilize an already stabilized Tierra, she hunches and shakes like baby fetus Voldemort before Peter Pettigrew dumps him into his rebirth-soup.

And as she’s being wheeled into the lobby to get to the clinic, she squeaks out “I’ll miss time with him” in baby voice and then I die. I’m dead you guys. I’m a ghost. Tierra killed me. If you can manage baby voice, you are NOT EXPERIENCING HYPOTHERMIA.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group canoes back across the lake. Catherine and Dez rush to Tierra’s side to find out the actual f**k is going on. When asked, Tierra responds, “We had to jump in that glacier.” Yes. The glacier is a thing into which one can jump and then experience hypothermia, not Lake Louise the lake everyone’s been talking about non-stop for two days.

The producers of this show continue to be my best friends by cutting together scenes of the other girls arriving back at the suite to say how wonderful and fun the plunge was while Tierra gets her hair blowdried by a producer and then she’s in a robe with someone attending her feet while she shoves a cheeseburger in her psychotic mouth.

As she coyly hooks oxygen up to her face, Sean pops in to see how Tierra’s doing. She’s nothing but bashful and attention flirting. She says, “This guy better marry me!” as a funny joke to Sean and he somehow laughs instead of running for his life out of the room. “You keep managing to get one on one time with me,” he whispers. YEAH. Yeah. That’s accurate. He tells her she needs to sit out the dinner party that night, and yeah that’s really gonna work with that one.

The women seem to think the night will be daisies from here are excited for more time with the boyfriend they all share. Lesley and Sean make out. Sarah shows him pictures of her family, and he responds like anyone being forced to look at pictures of someone else’s family: with thinly veiled boredom.

Like clockwork, we see Tierra getting ready back at the hotel. She’s not having any fun. Baby Tierra needs to have fun and constant stimuli or she gets sour and fakes a disease. “I’m crazy cuz’ I’m wearin’ heels,” there’s that, and a whole bushel basket of other reasons you should be institutionalized, Tierra. But have fun at the party! Everyone super wants you there! Hope you get the rose!

She walks into a freshly silent room full of women who were talking about her seconds before. Then Lesley calls her a “Tierrorist” and I laugh! That’s a good one, Les! I really mean it, no sarcasm!

As he and Tierra talk, what I’m most struck by is that he not only likes this woman but can more than stand the sound of her voice. The sound of her voice makes me wish I was hanging out in Hades.

But look at that. Lesley gets the rose. Tierra’s look could kill. She obviously went to the party because she thought she had an automatic rose, but guess what, NOPE.

So the party ends, and the girls get back to the hotel, but then Sean walks in because he just “doesn’t see a forever” with one girl. It’s Sarah. He pulls her out. This is not good. This poor girl. Ooh, here we go.

Sarah does not see this coming. He lets her down gently, but she is sad, sad, sad. He says he feels he’s been trying to force a connection with her, and that he didn’t feel anything in the kiss they had tonight. Rude, but also honest, but also OH MY GOSH POOR SARAH! She’s totally done with the conversation.

He lets her go back to the room to pack her things, and as soon as he walks away she breaks down. It’s a rare moment on the show when we see raw, human emotion, and it’s hard to watch. She’s so sad because she feels like this has happened to her so often before. She’s wondering what’s wrong with her that guys always tell her she’s beautiful and amazing, but don’t want to be with her. GIRLFRIEND. Let’s hangout and eat ice-cream. You are the best. I’m sorry for having to go through real shit on TV.

Now it’s time to continue in Fear Factor Bachelor for Dez’s second one-on-one date! They take a nice long hike up a mountain, then Sean drops the bomb that they’ll be repelling to their picnic below! They trot out the MOST CANADIAN MAN OF ALL TIME to safety prep them for repeling. The MOST CANADIAN MAN OF ALL TIME is very friendly and teaches them how not to die. Sean creates the metaphor for how repelling is just like a relationship.

Dez manages to look adorable in her harness, and I’m pretty mad about it. No one looks cute in harness. Everyone looks terrible and bulgy in them. Except for Dez. She whimpers a lot of the way down, but Sean cheers her on with words and kisses, and they make it! Then Dez creates a metaphor for how repelling is just like a relationship.

They eat a picnic in a meadow and kiss grossly. Then they are candidly adorable and have a tree-climbing race. They race to climb up a tree and then kiss in the tree and it’s precious. Then they wreck it by shouting “Hello, Canada!” and man do these people love to shout about where they are.

Deep in the dark woods, the lovers happen upon a romantic teepee. Yes, that’s correct, a teepee. It’s pretty cute and probably offensive. They have a lovely conversation about how her childhood was tough because her family didn’t always have a home. She is a jewel of human. He gives her the rose for being the best.

Thank God we’re finally at the cocktail party. We’re almost there. Tierra is wearing a giant faux fur scarf over a flowy white dress. It’s weird. Selma decides she’s going to go against the wishes of her traditional and conservative family and kiss Sean. She sets it up very strange and leans in for a cold, fish-lipped, kiss that one might bestow upon an elderly aunt who insists you kiss her on the lips.

Sean and Lindsay make out a little.

Then AshLee decides to take control of giving up her control. Sean said he felt like she was struggling with trying to control everything, so she decides he will blindfold her and lead her around to symbolize her relinquishing control. This woman cries a lot. She has ghosts from her past, sure, but hold it together a little woman! It appears to all be worth it because he leads her to a bench and then kisses her face. It’s a little romantic, but it’s hard to get into a guy kissing a blindfolded girl.

In a real nail-biter of a rose ceremony, Sean sends home Daniella and Selma. Boy, I really hope Selma doesn’t regret compromising her morals for a bad kiss with a guy who wasn’t really even feeling her all that much. Also, good-bye sweet Daniella. You are as beautiful as you are dumb, may the publicity of this show bring you far in your broadcasting career.

Ok, kids. I’ve got a piece of strawberry cheesecake in the fridge with my name literally on it. I’m gonna eat that real quick, and dive right into the next recap! See you soon! XOXO