The Bachelor Episode Four Recap - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

We are really in this thing now. It took a record few number of episodes to make me utterly bored by Chris and his antics, but we have so many, many ladies to observe in the most extreme circumstances that here I sit, red wine in hand, ready to go on this journey with and for all of you. Hooray for the Bachelor and fermented grapes.

This is the last week with Bachelor Mansion as home base as after (and during parts of) this episode Farmer Chris and his Herd of Lady Cattle will fly to such exotic locales as New Mexico and seemingly all of Southeast Asia. But before all that, Chris’s three sisters are in town and will be evaluating all the women in addition to selecting which lucky lady gets the one-one date this week. There are group dates aplenty, however, and Chrarrison drops off the first of the date cards.

Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey are on the date card that reads, “Let’s do what feels natural…”. All the women freak out that “natural” means no makeup or hair extensions. They still manage to get properly gussied up before taking off in two vintage Cadillac convertibles. They arrive at a beautiful lake for their party complete with paddle boards, floating rafts, and beach chairs.

Ashley I. tells us how she feels so shy around Chris and like she’s not being herself, so in search of a way to “break out of [her] shyness” she takes off her American flag bikini top and jumps into the lake. That’ll do it, Ash. Then Kaitlyn one-ups Ashley I. and takes off just her bottoms and jumps into the lake. She feels great about Chris having seen her “tush”.

I don’t, and neither does Kelsey. She (and I) don’t feel it’s appropriate or very cute to take pieces of your clothing off in front of the man you’re dating while in a group situation. But also, it’s the Bachelor.

“This is a date made for bimbos,” Kelsey exclaims. I know, I know, I know, Kelsey. Yes it’s crude and inappropriate but this is a show where one man is “dating” fifteen women at once and the beer flows like wine! It’s all one big moral grey area and unfortunately skinny dipping falls right in there because in the real world that’s tacky as hell but this is most decidedly not the real world and who’s to say those women DIDN’T do that just for their own fun and not for the exploitation of their bodies (I am. They definitely did it for the male gaze but my point stands.)

The three sisters arrive at the mansion to surprise the women and get to know them a little better. One of his sisters came all the way from her home in Ireland, and I’m interested in finding out how she rigged that sweet gig up for herself. The girls have to go rouse Jillian from her deep slumber in the pool. The Black Bar is back because the producers are like a dog with a bone with that damn thing. However, Jillian is duly embarrassed by her first impression on these “potential future in-laws.”

The Sisters Three pull Whitney aside for the first one-on-one chat. I don’t even need to watch to know she will pass with flying colors. She does. But they are asking intense questions they have prepared on a yellow legal pad. It is a lot like being before a tribunal. We see snippets from a few different interviews, but the soft and sweet music plays over Jade as she tells the sisters how she just launched her own organic makeup line and that she thinks relationships are all about compromise. Way to show us your hand, producers. That music obviously means Jade is getting the one-on-one.

Back at the lake, the group are playing red rover and Kelsey is not amused. She, being from Michigan, is unimpressed by the state of this muddy, “dingy pond” of a lake on which they find themselves.

“My face is getting skinnier because I spend all this time fake smiling trying to pretend to enjoy just this…hell hole,” she says, “There are moments when I feel like taking a fork and just stabbing it in my eye.” Seems super chill.

Chris then tells all the ladies how much fun he’s having with all of them in their bathing suits and that because it’s so much fun he doesn’t want to leave. And they won’t be leaving because they are camping overnight at the lake!

“This is dumb!” Kelsey whines, “I wanna be where I wanna be, and I don’t wanna be here!”

THEN GO HOME. But she doesn’t. She does get stung by a bee on her inner thigh though as further punishment.

Over at the campsite, we have some really fun stereotyping and gender roles playing out. The girls are tasked with assembling their own tents, and while some put them up with the greatest of ease, Mackenzie and Ashley I. giggle and struggle. Luckily, big man’s man Chris is around to help them merely read instructions and accomplish a basic task.

The hub-bub at the house is all about who will be picked for the one-on-one and how important it is to be chosen by his sisters. To be chosen by the Sisters Three for a one-on-one date would be the highest honor which one could have bestowed! Britt feels confident that it will be her because she feels she is the front-runner.

Imagine the look of shock on her face when Whitney reads the date card, “Jade, Your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening. From 8pm until the last stroke of midnight. Shh, it’s a secret. The prince doesn’t know you are coming.” Jade is over the moon excited and honored to be selected for this date.

Camping continues on the group date with the grilling of kabobs and hot dogs over the fire. Ashley I. managed to bring along and properly attach her fake eyelashes for this camping date. Hey girl, you do you and don’t compromise that but also? There’s a time and a place for falsies.

“We are the luckiest ladies in America,” someone offers from around the campfire.

“Really?” Kelsey replies. And Kaitlyn calls her out on it really quick. Kelsey explains that it’s a unique opportunity, but the girls are onto her. She is pouting hardcore but as soon as Chris comes back her face lights up with glee. Breaker, Breaker 1-9: we’ve got a faker! And the girls delight in explaining how fake Kelsey is and how on earth could Chris be attracted to someone so fake? All of this played over shots of Kelsey laughing this giant, strained laugh. Folks, we’ve got a villain a-brewing.

But while Kelsey is being put to the fire for being fake, Ashley S. is being her truest, best self. By that I mean she is hiccupping drunk and wide eyed with suspicion. Suspicious of what, you ask? Probably the fact that as she sings gibberish campfire songs from her home planet, Mackenzie asks if the other women believe in aliens. It’s all coming together. Someone is about to be abducted by Ashley S. There’s even a full moon to boot.

Kaitlyn tells a ghost story about Ashley S. “the sweetest and yet scariest” woman around. The women are mostly entertained by her brand of crazy because she’s sweet not terrifying. She is a little terrifying though as she repeatedly whispers, “What are you?” to Chris and then gazes at the moon. It’s amazing. I just treasure her. She rambles and rambles and tells Chris that she loves everything about him and hopes that resonates within his mind tonight.

Now it’s Ashley I.’s turn to parade her true self in front of Chris. She tells him that she has a crush on him. And how he makes her feel shy and then they suck face. And I mean SUCK. FACE. It’s not kissing or making out. It is face sucking. So gross, guys. We’ve got to put a full stop on the gross kissing happening here.

The date rose goes to Kaitlyn for always being herself and making Chris feel good. “I feel great. This is awesome. And I’m drunk,” Kaitlyn says of her big rose win. Ashley I. is rattled by this and feels there is no way that Chris knows the real her. So, fueled by her virginity and alcohol, Ashely I. sets off to tell Chris that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend.

To accomplish this task, she must leave her tent and travel to a sleeping Chris’s tent. This should go over very well.

“Basically, so far, I feel like I’ve been portrayed different from how I really am…I’m freakin’ innocent. I’ve never had a real boyfriend before,” she tells him inside his luxury tent.

“The moment I met you, I got the vibe that you were a smart, well-rounded girl,” says Chris groggily.

She blathers on a bunch more about how she’s a nerd inside and “inexperienced in every way possible”. He was pretty sleepy and said he “thinks” he “gets” her. I don’t think he does. And she doesn’t explicitly say that she’s a virgin. She just repeats, “I just want to make sure you got me.” He says yes to her immediately so that they can start making out, but tells cameras that he had no idea what she was really trying to say to him. Chris is both smart and a great guy. Two thumbs WAY UP.

That date is finally over, and it’s time for everyone to reunite at the mansion. The group date gals are told in great detail what happened when the Sisters Three came to visit. Jillian tells everyone about how Jade got her fancy date card/invitation to the royal ball, and Ashley I. seethes. She is very upset that she does not get to go on a date where she can dress up and act like a princess.

But this is so wonderful for Jade! A full team of stylists, helmed by a real-life Effie Trinket complete with funny accent and pink curly hair, invade the house to give her a full princess transformation. They made one of the rooms in the mansion into a princess suite with jewels and beautiful gowns and hair and makeup artists. Nadia with her pink hair is flitting about styling and perfecting Jade’s look. The other women watch on in amazement and awe, while Ashley I. pouts and whines and makes it all about her.

Nadia helps her find a gorgeous patterned ball gown with her very own Louboutin glass slippers that she gets to keep. She also gets to keep the NEIL LANE diamond earrings Nadia put on her. This is of course an elaborate plug for the new Disney Cinderella movie that’s coming out in March. Nadia forces Jade to look at some images from the movie so she understands her inspiration. Haha, yes. This was all Nadia’s idea. I don’t blame you Nadia, you’re perfect. Never change.

When Jade emerges fully made-up, she looks lovely. So stunning but classy, and the girls ooh and ahh but at the same time are envious of this date. Jade is whisked away in a perfectly white Rolls Royce to her Royal date. Chris positively beams when he sees Jade descend the grand staircase to greet him.

They are “eating” dinner in a hotel lobby? It’s a nice hotel lobby to be sure, but nonetheless, just a big, vast marble space. They have their typical Bachelor chat about past relationships (both have been engaged before).

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Ashley I. is going bananas. She put on a sparkly dress that she brought specifically for a princess themed date. The other women are laughing in her face for being so dramatic and ridiculous, so Ashley leaves their presence to sit upon a couch made of leather and nibble on an ear of corn as all dejected princesses sometimes do. Get over it, Ashley I. Eat some more corn.

The real Cinderella date is going quite well. Chris gives Jade the rose easy-peasy, and then takes her to see one more surprise. They walk into a small ballroom containing a full orchestra. They dance on a platform and actually do a fair job at the waltz. It’s the kind of fairytale, beautiful, romantic date this show used to be all about. This is what I came to see people! Lovin’ it! These two boring simples being all dressed up! Like candy for me.

We’re already at the final group date for the week. Joining Farmer Chris are Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca whose date card reads, “Let’s get dirty!” Then Carly, who read the card, shares that there were also boxes delivered with the card. The boxes contain wedding dresses. Joy of joys. They make themselves beautiful, put on the dresses, then climb into a stretch limo for the date.

I do not like where this is going one little bit.

The ladies get onto a private jet and while most are excited, Jillian feels very out of her element in a wedding dress. They meet Chris when they land in San Francisco, and are then driven to a tough mudder course. No, no, no. So, they are doing this muck-fest under the guise of raising awareness for MS. I guess that’s fine. The race will determine who gets a one-on-one date with Chris and the rest of the women will go home immediately. So that sucks even more. Chris’s only redeeming quality is that he does the whole race with them so they aren’t just getting disgusting alone to compete for his approval.

It is no surprise that Jillian pulls ahead and completely dominates the course.

Carly is laughing during her whole interview because she performed so poorly that she just gave up. Carly is actually growing on me, despite her terrible eyebrows.

“Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo…Are her muscles bigger than Chris’s? Is her d**k bigger than Chris’s?” she giggles. See? Carly can stay.

Jillian is pumped that she gets her one-on-one date in San Francisco. They are dining on the rooftop of the historic Fairmont Hotel on San Francisco’s Knob Hill. Chris mumbles about how Jillian is one of his top three gals as far as being cute, fun, and outgoing. I don’t hate Jillian. I just don’t love her brand of intensity and the obsession with working out. I disagree that it’s an inherently masculine quality to be into working out, but I don’t think that “the gym” does an entire personality make.

And to display her intensity, Jillian talks during the lion’s share of the date. “During Jillian’s talking, I’m getting kind of confused because her words are coming out faster than I can process,” Chris says. Oh, sweetie. It’s ok. We’ll get you through this.

“Occaisionally, as Jillian’s words float over my head, I think of unicorns and dancing fairies…It’s quite beautiful,” Chris says. It’d be a whole lot funnier if I didn’t think he meant it. But Chris is honest that he doesn’t feel a romantic connection with Jillian and that the romance of their conversation, or lack thereof, does not match their romantic surroundings.

Cue Jillian asking, “Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl and you don’t know what she has, like this bitch is talking to her reflection, like she’s crazy: bird in her hair, the whole nine, or abstain from sex for five years?”

I JUST CANNOT. First of all, “would you rather” questions are for people who aren’t interesting enough to have conversations without creating some contrived device. Secondly, that question is inappropriate on so many levels, and it’s offensive. Chris just silently shakes his head in response. Jillian thinks the date is going well, but Chris picks up the rose. He explains that while she’s fun and beautiful, he just doesn’t feel the chemistry. He feels that their goals just don’t match.

Jillian interrupts to say that this setting doesn’t make her feel the most comfortable. Oh, honey, respect yourself enough to not play the desperation game. She doesn’t take it well. She cries and gets flustered. I would cry getting rejected on national television too. That’s fair. But it was time for Jillian to go, and I’m glad Chris had the balls to cut her loose.

This episode, for lack of anything actually happening, has felt like an eternity. It is now rounding third and about to come in for the run though, as we are at the cocktail party. Chris starts the party with one of his token horrible speeches about how Jillian went home because he takes this process very seriously.

Megan takes this seriously too, which is why she blindfolds Chris and brings out some fruit and chocolate fondue. Just f***ing why? This is not sexy or cool or fun. Why? Chris loved it! “I thought that was a great game! What do you call that game?” he asks Megan after the whole fruit plate has been sampled. Megan is as sweet as she is simple and is therefore a wonderful match for Chris. This whole season can be tied up in a neat little bow with the word “simple”.

Right on cue, Ashley I. arrives to make it clear to Chris, once and for all, that she is A VIRGIN. SHE’S A VIRGIN AND ALMOST PROUD! ASHLEY I. IS A VIRGIN AND EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES AND ITS TERRITORIES AND ANYONE WHO ILLEGALLY STREAMS THIS SHOW INTERNATIONALLY (SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIENDS IN AUSTRALIA) KNOWS IT! She’s wearing the same sparkly dress from when she threw a fit over the Cinderella date. They start the conversation by pussy-footing around the topic one more time, and then she finally comes out and says the words “I’m a virgin.”

Chris accepts it as well as one could. He says he respects it and thinks it’s a good thing all while she’s still word vomiting about what that all means.

“If anything, I respect her more,” Chris tells us. Sure, whatever. It’s 2015. People can be virgins or have a lot of sex with men or women or both or neither. For the love of everything, can we move on? We can’t. Ashely I. is freaking out that for the first time ever he didn’t kiss her.

“Well it’s because he wants to respect you,” explains Mackenzie.

“I don’t want him to respect me that much!” Ashely exclaims. To which, I just can’t. That is the essence of this show in one sentence. Good LORD. She’s crying so much and Mackenzie is over the dramatics. Mackenzie, whose hair looks great tonight. Someone took pity on her. Ashley continues with the pyrotechnics and then tells everyone around her the big secret that she’s a virgin and two things happen.

One is that Carly is shocked to hear this because, she says, “I’ve seen her making out with Chris like thirteen-thousand times. Her mouth is not a virgin.” Which is amazing and so far the quote of the season. Her mouth is not a virgin. THAT’S INCREDIBLE. WHAT? WHAT IS THAT? IT’S GREAT IS WHAT IT IS.

Two is that Becca quietly replies, “I am too.” So Becca is virgin number two in the Bachelor mansion which causes Kaitlyn to flip her lid because she can’t fathom that. It makes me very intrigued by the beautiful Becca who has been very quiet about that whole thing. I like this Becca girl who plays her cards close to the vest.

On to Britt: Britt, who is at an Ariana Grande ratio of body to hair, is “grumpy” because she hasn’t talked to Chris in a week. She decides to confront Chris about where they stand emotionally and also about where he’s at with other girls there. Specifically, she mentions that she heard that Kaitlyn took off her clothes on the group date and was then given a rose.

“I just wanna know why those actions are being validated,” Britt says to Chris.

He pauses for a moment to form some thoughts in that big ole noggin of his before replying with these beautiful words: “That wasn’t why I gave her a rose, and like…I guess uh, that I see two sides like Kaitlyn has a lot of different facets that are not and I don’t those aren’t, I see the Kaitlyn that just you know what I mean? I mean obviously, I mean if you like her or dislike her or I, I don’t see, I don’t look at Kaitlyn like being some really and I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior. You know? And I’m not giving roses to you know and maybe you’re viewing as that. Um.”

I know what you’re thinking. Cassie did you fall asleep for parts of that speech and leave out key words? Cassie, have you had so much wine that you typed nonsense and sent it right to publication? Cassie, did you have a stroke?

No. No. No. No to all of those questions. That is an actual transcription of Chris’s reply to being put on the spot as to why a girl who took her bathing suit bottoms off at the lake was given a rose.

Chris gets up abruptly from their chat, and then as he makes his speech before the rose ceremony he gives an ultimatum that if anyone questions his intentions and motives for being there, they can just leave. This freaks the girls out, but obviously nothing happens.

Rose time:

Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha (WHO?), Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashely I., and last of all is Britt. This means Juelia, Nikki, and our dear, dear Ashley S. are going home. I will miss her and all her beautiful white winged dove ways. Ashely S. is a treasure that only comes along once in a millennium. Fly free to your home planet Ashley S. and take care on the intergalactic highways!

Chris takes a kind moment to say goodbye to Juelia because he admires her and respects her so much as a person. He tells her she’s a beautiful person both inside and out, and she is. The other women are shaken up by her leaving too.

And then the episode ends abruptly! Bye, guys! We’ll be in Santa Fe next week, and I can’t wait to see you there! It looks like Kelsey has a panic attack in a bathroom which is exciting because maybe something will finally happen on this show! Hooray! Love you all! @Chasspod on twitter and the Ask is always open! Exclamation points!!!