Game Of One Direction:

Henley Monday -

This week Liam Hemsworth, the youngest of the Hemsworth acting dynasty and the future Mr. Destiny Hope "Miley" Cyrus, shows us the true utilitarian nature of the henley. While out running errands for what appears to be an enormous dog,the hunky Australian who plays "The Hunger Games'" Gale sports a beige, buttoned-up henley.

He looks good. He looks strong. He looks like the kind of man who knows what kind of dog food to buy. He's the kind of man who can run his own errands without a shopping list. He's the kind of man who buys his dog a new dog bed just because he felt like it. He's the kind of man who would rather bust a vein in his arm than make two trips to the car with his stuff.

If that's any indication of how he'd treat a lady, Ms. Miley is a lucky little star indeed. Billy Ray, too. He's going to need a lot of senior-care in his old age.

Henley Monday:

Did you think I forgot about you today, my babies? Did you think I thought you didn't need a studly hunk wearing fashion's greatest layering piece to get you from Monday night through til Tuesday?

NEVER. I would NEVER forget you. I might ALMOST forget you, but I would never actually forget.

Ryan Kwanten gets it. He understands a lot of things; namely, the way straight to our hearts and lady parts.

The Office/One Direction mashup 

Throwback Thursday - 

TBT to that one time Carey Grant was reading a script in costume with a teensy-tinsey puppy in his pocket accomplishing the once impossible task of becoming MORE attractive and statistically perfect.

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 2

            There is no time wasted jumping into this week’s episode which purports to be filled with drama and jealousy and dumb, dumb group dates.

Sarah, the beautiful girl born with one arm, wins the very first solo date and she’s just humbly excited as the other girls humbly plan her murder. She actually seems lovely and well-adjusted, but the producers just keep making her talk about the fact that she only has one arm. It’s kind of hard to understand who she is as real, NORMAL PERSON, when all you keep making her say is ONE ARM, ONE ARM, ONE ARM, ONE ARM.

As if from on high, Sean arrives to pick up his date in, you guessed it, a helicopter. Week two, date number one, we’ve got a helicopter. This show is going to make me lose sense of the word helicopter. Sean picks up adorable Sarah and tries desperately not to reach out and grab her stump as he helps her in.

“Oh! So amazing!” he says devoid of true emotion as they sweep over the “feh” landscape of LA.

Sarah voices over, “I might seem unapproachable to you guys because I have one arm, but my ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” Please God let this be the last mention of her phantom limb.

“We are really high up, if you haven’t noticed,” Sean helpfully points out when they land on a helipad on the roof of a sky scraper. “I brought you all the way up here for a champagne toast, which is all the way down there at the bottom…We are going to free-fall three-hundred feet all the way down!”

Sarah is confused and freaked out and nervous and I’m nervous too because even thinking about heights makes my tummy sad and gurgley. But Sarah bravely trusts completely in Sean (not the cables, harnesses, etc) to guide her safely at the bottom.

I hate this. It is a horrific nightmare somewhere between sky-diving and bungee jumping. I would probably go through with it but I would be displeased at having to prove my ability to have an adult relationship by performing death defying stunts. They make it down, her shrieking the whole way and him kind of bellowing. What a f*cking well-earned glass of champagne that girl drinks down.

Sean and Sarah change into formal ware for “dinner” on what appears to be the bed of a concubine to the King of Siam. Sarah tells a really touching story about not being allowed to zip line because of her disability (ONE ARM) and that today meant a lot that Sean(the stunt company) trusted (made her sign a waiver) in her ability to do something so courageous and fun.

Sean replies by saying that he considers himself a man. Oh, Sean. Help me out here. To be fair though, he’s very affectionate in a not gross way towards her and their body language (MINUS ONE ARM) seems comfortable.

Group date card arrival! Kristie, Katie, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Selma, Diana, Erin, Kacie, and Tierra (barf) are going to “capture the romance”. That’s thirteen. Thirteen women on a group date. Tierra’s pissed. Tierra looks like Latina Britney Spears.

Back on the date, they discuss past relationships and why they didn’t work blah blah blah. Then they head back up the helipad of the building they jumped off for more champagne. He gives her the rose and they kiss! They are blonde and cute.

Now we’re piling into limos for the group date! Most girls are euphoric while Tierra wears her best stank face. They pull up to an insane looking Beverly Hills chateau and Sean in a purple henley. Sean tells them they’ll be doing a photo shoot for covers of Harlequin romance novels. Kristy the Ford model goes insane at the idea. And taking a strange Top Model-esque turn, the girl they decide has the most “real chemistry” with Sean will grace the covers of three different books. Like, why? Why? How is that an incentive? This is one of the dumbest group dates ever.

The girls are grouped into four categories: cowgirls, sexy glam, vampires, and historical. Cowgirls are up first and do such sexual things as embracing on bales of hay, embracing next to a horse, embracing while feed a horse an apple flat-palmed safety-ways so fingers don’t get bitten off.

Everyone already hates Tierra and feels like she’s psycho-high-maintenance-judgmental-fake. Which she may very well be. She is very aggressive and already hates having to share Sean with anyone. This is her face. THIS IS HER FACE.

Kristy the Ford model really takes the reins on her shoot and does some good, sexy modeling, I think? Mr. Jay isn’t there to tell me if she’s too posey, so I have no real idea. But he liked her energy, and she wins the contract. How lucrative.

Now it’s pool party time! Pool party in cocktail attire! Leslie M. is the first to pull Sean away based on their chemistry from the photo shoot. She seems a little young to me and Sean seems like an old soul. They like each other, but they’re kind of awkward together. She’s giggling and he wants to kiss her but won’t and I don’t know. I’m uncomfortable.

As the girls “steal Sean for a second” one by one, Leslie musters up the courage to just take action and get that kiss. Go girl! Daniella is comically upset, but she’s got some cocktails in her so girlfriend’s gonna be alright.

Sean’s favorite thing is to put his hand on a lady’s leg protectively yet affectionately. He does this with Kacie who I’m obviously rooting for because I love her and want to be her friend. They agree that they’re going to explore if they have something. Good. Please let them having something.

Catherine is vegan and makes a joke that “I’m vegan but I love the beef.” And Sean thinks it is a TERRIFIC joke. Heavens, does he give a hearty guffaw over that. It might be the first joke he's ever heard and is delighted at the idea of comedy.

Then we cut to Tierra stuffing her face as she lays herself out on a chaise lounge in a dress covered in boob-fringe. Girl.  Boob fringe is not the way to secure a husband. Selma tries to include her but she refuses. Selma is trying to be nice, but Tierra’s hungry and busy ostracizing herself.

When they talk, Sean tries to reassure Tierra about the whole “process” and about not getting hung up on girl drama. He likes her. He likes her chutzpah. Which. Gross. Why is there always one gross girl that the Bachelor is just blinded by? Every time.

Katie the yoga instructor with amazing curly hair is uncomfortable with “the process”. She talks to Sean who immediately gives her his jacket when she says she’s cold. Swoon. She decides that she needs to go because it’s not the right setting for her. Which is fine and she did it early on and did it with dignity. So he walks her out. Good for her. And good for Sean for being such a gentleman about it. The other girls are just secretly glad to have one less lady around.

It’s rose time. Kacie is GUNNING for it. If he gives it to Tierra I’ll die. But he doesn’t! He gives it to Kacie. That’s my girl! Too bad Tierra says she wants to punch Kacie B. for winning the rose.

Now Sean meets up with the almighty Chrarrison to plan a prank to pull on poor unsuspecting Desiree for her one on one date.

It’s at an art gallery, and I swear to God Chris Harrison says the word “supposably” just like Joey in that one episode of Friends. The plan is for a “supposably” priceless work of art to break and for Desiree to think it’s all her fault! Oh! What droll fun that will be! I always thought this show should be more like Punk’d!

Desiree is just thrilled to be at an art gallery filled with people. That should’ve been her first trigger because never in the history of this show has a date occurred in the presence of other humans. They pull Sean away for an interview leaving Des alone in the room with the priceless work of art priced at $1.5 million. Back in the secret viewing room, Sean begins to regret pulling this heinous prank on really sweet girl.

Then the sculpture thing falls and shatters. Des is trying to keep a game face but is panicked. The actors are being super mean and accusatory to her. She feels terrible. THIS IS THE MOST FUN IMAGINABLE ON A FIRST DATE.

Sean comes in to save the day all, “It doesn’t matter what happened. I’m gonna support you. I’m always gonna support you.” WHICH SEEMS TO BE LAYING IT ON PRETTY THICK FOR A FIRST DATE, SEAN. She looks at him like he’s crazy.

 “But tonight I don’t have to, because these are actors!” he beams. Yes there is so much to be proud of with that stunt you ass.

Since Des took the prank so well, Sean decides it’s alright if she comes back to his place for dinner and a nice date that’s not having fun at her expense. How chivalrous.

Back at his bachelor pad, they have a steak, broccoli, and wild rice dinner. To be honest, that sounds delicious and low key and fun. As they get to know each other, they perpetuate this horrible idea that only people whose parents have successful relationships know how to love and can be good life partners. I’ll fly into a rage about that later, but for now, the two of them look very cozy. They get even cozier as they take a little hot tub time. Hot tub on a first date sounds horrible to me, but everyone on this show seems to love it.  

Des gets the rose and gives a long pause after he asked to accept the rose. She says the prank was rude but then she’s is pranking HIM and accepts ahahahahahah! MORE COMEDY.

At the cocktail party there is a truly horrifying display of cocktail attire from the ladies. Lindsay the wedding dress girl wants to save some face after wearing a WEDDING DRESS and getting a little too drunk the first night in the mansion. Sean pretends to be all very amused by it. They talk about, what else, family. It’s Sean’s favorite topic, so I think she pretty much secured her rose by sharing how much she wants a family.

Back in the living room with all the ladies, Amanda is wearing a pretty yellow dress and an angry face. And, they may have edited this, but she seems to be completely unresponsive to even a direct line of questioning. Very rude and negative.

Robyn is concerned about race and whether or not Sean is attracted to “black females” which is a pretty broad statement. Like, I’m not attracted to all Japanese males just like I’m not attracted to all Venezuelan males. But still, I can see her concern, and she bravely asks him outright.

Sean answers pretty honestly and openly with much the same sentiment. “It’s the mind, and it’s the woman behind the physical appearance,” he says. He’s attracted to who he’s attracted to, and, in fact, his last girlfriend was black. So he just makes the whole point moot and they move on. Man that made my heart swell a little.

Selma tries to teach him a little Arabic. I like her even more. She teaches him to say “you are very beautiful” and she’s just a nice woman and is very, very pretty.

Sour faced Amanda perks right up as soon as Sean steals her away, much to the chagrin of all the other women who think she is rude and mean and arrogant. All they can keep saying is the age-old adage that she’s “not here for the right reasons”.

Rose ceremony time. Sean is conflicted, but here’s who is safe.

Roses from previous dates: Sarah, Kacie B., Desiree.

Roses from tonight: Ashley, Lindsey, Robyn, Jackie, Leslie M., Selma, Catherine, Kristie, Leslie H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda Drama Queen.

Leaving eliminated only two ladies, Brooke and Diana. That is so many women left that I’m concerned this will be an excruciatingly long process. We have much to look forward to in the drama department next week however as Tierra becomes even more territorial which is ironic considering her name means land in Spanish (it also means Earth and dirt which are also fitting).

See you next time!

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

Oh Journeyers, oh my sweet Journeyers. My deepest apologies for the bit of hiatus, but fear not, I've been watching all the drama and faux-mance for you. It's been quite the eventful couple of episodes, but it's amounted to SIX HOURS, so hunker down, grab a gallon of wine, and let's get started.

This week we're finally out of the Bachelor Mansion and traveling to Montana. There will be a group date, a one-on-one, and dun-dun-DUUUUUN A TWO-ON-ONE!

Over some powerful pretty shots of Montana, Sean shares that he can't wait to see "the women" because he already misses "them" and can't wait to spend more time with "them" this week. It's a rare occurrence of me actually being grossed out by the fact that this guy literally has nine girlfriends at once right now.

Catherine makes a heart with her arms and does all the work for me. This show parodies itself.

Despite Tierra's saint-like "patience" the one-on-one goes to Lindsay who has a seizure upon hearing the news. I'm kidding about the seizure, but she literally does cry about it.

The date card read "Let love soar" and in a truly shocking turn of events, they are traveling by helicopter on the Bachelor! Unprecedented levels of romance here. "It's that a helicopter?" Lindsay the substitute teacher squeals!

They land for a picnic on the Blackfeet Indian Reservation at Glacier National Park which is just a whole LOT of desecration of some really important land in our nation's history. But by all means Lindsay, continue squealing about Sean and your family on it.

Over drinks later they have a deep talk in which Lindsay says how scared she was as an "adolescent" because her dad was in the army overseas. And while that is a hardship I can't even imagine, she keeps saying "adolescence" and it's WEIRD and substitute teacher-y. Then they make out. She gets the rose.

And THEN they have a surprise in the center of downtown Whitefish, Montana is a concert from C-list country recording artist Sarah Darling. This episode is a perfect episode to complete the Bachelor drinking game. They slow dance, and Sean giggles almost as much as Linds.

Over on the group date, the girls greet Sean for a day of outdoorsmanship in the form of a deranged relay race! True to form. the winning team continues on the group date, the losers go home, and I think Selma might actually be a doll come to life.

Daniella has absolutely no chance in this thing, but she is so dumb and special to me. On first sight of the goats they will soon be milking (yes.), she goes, "Are those dogs?" Yes, Daniella, the goats are dogs.

Once again, there is an extremely physical challenge happening on a group-date for Sarah, the girl with one arm, and once again she’s forced to talk about how having one-arm isn’t going to hold her back.

Both Dez and Leslie have mentioned how willing they are to chug fresh goat milk in order to spend more time with Sean. It’s part of the relay race, and it’s kind of funny, but mostly just terribly, terribly sad. Ladies, Sean should be chugging goat milk to spend time with YOU. Or you know what? Let’s all be equal and if chugging goat milk is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, do it together. Come on now.

It’s an exciting race (it isn’t), and in a shocking (not shocking) finale, the Red Team pulls up from a slow start to win it all. The best part is Chris Harrison is live commenting on the events like it’s an actual sporting event. “Try to get that rhythm down. Find your rhythm,” he encourages as the girls saw a log and I just laugh and laugh and laugh.

Dez chugged the milk like a champ even though it was warm and came out her nose. She is adorable. The blue team are sad puppies who wish their boyfriend didn’t make them perform feats of strength to get close to him.

Sean is heartbroken at the cocktail party that he had to send those Blue girls home, and so he says JOURNEY and bends the rules. The blue team is coming back to the party to spend their important getting-to-know-you time with Sean! AHHHHHALJFASLDJLSK! They scamper to get ready.

Trouble is afoot though when Sean tells the red team that he invited the blue team over. The girls feel like all their hard work was for naught, but Sean realizes how stupid and arbitrary a game to spend time with him is if he’s sincerely looking for love.

So, when Tierra first heard about getting her precious two-on-one, she was ecstatic in her psychotic way. Now that the blue team gets to go back on THEIR group date, she feels upset and mislead. She thinks Sean should know just how patiently she’s been waiting, and is going to go hunt him down.

So Tierra sneaks up behind him while he’s being interviewed by one of the producers about the night. She does that never hilarious hilarious thing where she puts her hand over his eyes and says in his name in the most serial-killer way. He’s happy (I think?) to see her anyway.

They have a little chat outside on a bench, and she expresses how she came all the way to Montana (on ABCs dime) to spend time with him, and a two-on-one feels like a slap in the face. He just basically tells her to calm the eff down and sends her on her merry way.

Oh well, the party goes on. Dez’s time is quickly interrupted by AshLee and it’s all very stupid. It’s the dumbest. He kisses all of them and we see his tongue a lot. Daniella probably had too much to drink and cries about the fact that she can’t weasel her way into having time with Sean. They have disgusting, slurpy kisses. And she gets the date rose. Robyn is pissed. Did you forget Robyn was here? Me too.

Time for the two-on-one show down. Sean is thrilled to have time with Jackie (remember her? Don’t worry about it) and Tierra. Tierra is thrilled to be on a date with her “husband” and go horse-back riding! Sean and Tierra leave Jackie and her slow-poke horse behind.

Jackie is very pretty and very sweet, but she just doesn’t have it with him. She brings up Tierra and how she was very flirtatious with a guy at the airport. I appreciate her being specific about negative sides to Tierra, but she wasted her time talking about that!

The dinner on this date is so awkward and Sean speaks aloud what they all feel about wishing they could be anywhere else. So, on their one-on-one Tierra opens up about a past relationship with a guy who passed away after a battle with addiction. If this is true, this is truly sad. An honestly hard thing to go through, but I can also see why she’s so dramatic about everything because she only knew a dramatic relationship for her formative five year relationship. It also screams codependency to me.

Tierra gets the rose. Jackie is sad. Then Sean and Tierra watch fireworks lakeside.

To the cameras Tierra lifts her rose and says, “Hey! Two-on-one!” and laughs and I worry about their safety. There’s a producer named Cassie whom I feel kindred to and I’m worried about her whenever Tierra laughs her psycho laugh.

At the start of the cocktail party, the producers do my favorite thing. They pan slowly over a taxidermy scene of a coyote standing over the body of a dead pheasant. It’s as if to say Tierra will soon kill them all and stand over their bodies victorious. HA HA!

Sean and Dez have a weird conversation where she seems to fall from favor a little. I hate that. She’s the best. Don’t be an idiot, Sean!

Shockingly, while the girls are talking about how they’re sad Jackie is gone, Tierra clomps off in her high heels to completely isolate herself. “No one is jealous of that!” Daniella accurately says of Tierra’s little bitch fits. Robyn and Tierra argue more. Then while Tierra is yelling and swearing at them all, Sean walks right by and hears it all. But guys. You won’t believe it. The best part is that what he hears her saying is “I will bite. I am a scorpio. My stinger does come out when I’m pissed.” YOU GUYS HE HEARS HER SAYING HOW MUCH SHE RESEMBLES HER ZODIAC. HASHTAG BLESSED.

Sean is shocked that Tierra could be an angry and psychotic person. “I’m not a drama person at all,” are real words that Tierra says to Sean which is the marker of a person who loves and lives for drama.

In the end, Sean sends home Robyn because we all forgot she was here and all she ever did was provoke Tierra. Can't say I'm sad to see her go, but I wish her all the best in life.

Ok! That's one down, two to go! Check in tomorrow for more recap and romantic fun! KISSES (with no tongue because GROSS, SEAN).

Sarah McLachlan can't keep me down because Thursday nights mean Parks & Rec AND JERSEY SHORE! Gee, I sure hope they extract Vinny from his room in mother's house on Staten Island.

In Vain I have struggled! It will not do!

I am having some major technical issues getting the COMPLETED recap of the Bachelor Finale onto the internet machine. Please bear with me as I try to contain my rage and not throw my laptop out the window.

In the meantime, here’s a treat.

Henley Monday - Hey, everybody, it's been a minute over here with the regular posts, and I apologize. But we're not here to talk about that. We're here to ogle the crap out of my number one beef cake extraordinaire, Chris Evans. In the first pic, we observe a woman living out the idle fantasies of her id by reaching out to touch his Henley clad form, and in the latter, Chris leaning back as if to admonish yet with an encouraging, impish smirk. The third picture is not a Henley at all but DAMN, SON, ROCK THAT BLACK CREW NECK. That's all. Love and light to you and yours.

Henley Monday - 

MONDAY indeed! It's certainly not the best of times over here, and I need all the strength and inspiration I can get to deal with just today. 

Enter this rugged man. He's just a man, we don't know who he is or what films he's been in. We can make up anything we want about him. I, for instance, have chosen to believe that he is a Welsh sailor looking off into the distance at his grand ship that takes him all over the world, but his heart is always wandering home. Isn't that nice? I think so.

What do you want his story to be? Day dream about it while the time tick-tocks away and you can be home once more.