In Vain I Have Struggled! It Will Not Do!

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

    After spending several weeks at home and abroad with this gaggle of men, surely I’m not the only who recognizes that they are perhaps not the brightest  group of individuals. So this week in Prague, I’m sure they’ll be delighted to find out it is indeed a part of Europe, and no, it’s no longer Czechoslovakia. Regardless, I’m sure the romance quotient will be high, so let’s move onwards toward the mackin’ and the fightin’ in the final episode before home towns!

              Prague is picturesque and gorgeous as Emily voices over the classic Bachelorette shots of her walking around alone looking pensive. The men arrive to meet Chrarrison in a square on foot as they find out that this week there will be three one-on-ones and one group date. With home towns looming, the stakes are higher than ever.

Arie has the first one-one-one where they’ll “Czech out Prague together”. Good pun but another boring walk around the city date? I don’t miss the Fear Factor style dates from Ben’s season, but can we do something more special? I guess the occasion is special enough for Emily to bust out her glittery formal shorts though.

             They wander about and kiss and do touristy things that will bring you luck in love just like in all the other cities. But Emily is questioning his loyalty because she knows something personal about him that he doesn’t know she knows. Secrets, secrets that they let us know in the previews…

WHY ABC? WHY, PRODUCTION TEAM? Why did we decide that having Chris Harrison give a short monologue in front of the Bachelor Mansion about Arie’s “brief past relationship with Bachelor producer Cassie [no relation] Lambert” was the best idea?! We get the key information, but at what cost?

           Cassie told Emily all about it, and we caught that conversation on camera. Emily is less upset that they actually dated and more upset that Arie hasn’t even acknowledged that he knows this woman who has become pretty close friends with Emily during the show. “It’s not a production thing; this is a real life thing. I know something about Arie that he’s not telling me,” is how she boils it all down.

Back on the date, Emily is grilling Arie about loyalty and trustworthiness to see if she can bring it out of him. Having seen enough sitcoms to know, playing games around it will never work. She needs to just be “upfront and honest, almost too honest” as Arie himself says.

Oh my gosh, nooooo. No more weird Chris Harrison monologues from the too-sunny Bachelor Mansion! But I guess they HAVE TO because Arie, Emily, and Cassie all had “a very honest discussion about the relationship…OFF CAMERA” (emphasis mine). Ok, I get it that these are real people’s lives and emotions we’re dealing with but those same people also agreed to “find love” through a TELEVISED SHOW. Emily and Arie both come to agree that the relationship was so brief that it didn’t matter and still doesn’t affect how much those two want to bang.

They have a lovely river boat cruise and are all lovey-dovey with each other about the whole misunderstanding. Do I even need to tell you that they don’t eat any food and kiss a lot? They don’t, and they do.

         The next one-on-one date will go to JohnWolf. He’s the last remaining guy to not have a one-on-one and is very relieved to receive a date card reading “in Prague, all you need is love.” Chris is livid that he isn’t getting a date, but doesn’t want to lose his cool in front of the guys even though it is “killing him inside.” Take it easy, Chris.

Arie and Emily are cruising along already talking about how excited Arie is for her to meet his family. Then he drops the bomb! He says, “Can I tell you something?...I’ve just been thinking a lot about all of this and you...Actually, Croatia did it for me. I think that’s why I love Croatia so much. I think I realized that I love you.” And their heads get closer and closer together. And she is just beaming joy. It is a game changer. They watch fireworks over the city and the river together. Watch out, boys. Arie-man is in town for good.

                              JohnWolf gets his very first date with our Bachelorette. He is wearing light blue pants. They’re on an architecture cruise with no tour guide (WHY) and walk around the city. They come upon the John Lennon wall and Emily gives a kind of plain and simple explanation about it and freedom vs. communism and music? I don’t know. Then they do this thing where they write names on a lock and lock it to this fence to solidify love. That seems a little soon. But no matter, John and Emily had a hard time closing the lock which is a terrible omen they both agree.

Arie, back in the harem, brings up exactly what I was just thinking of poor, dear JohnWolf. “He is fighting an uphill battle,” Arie tells a pensive crowd. John is having a first date the day after Arie felt strongly enough about this woman to say that he loved her. It’s just not a contest he’s going to be able to win.

Of course, Chris is being a whiny little princess that he can’t spend time with Emily. He’s sick of the process and just goes to make himself a drink. He’s lucky the view from his sad window is spectacular.

               So, someone on the production team thought it would be a hoot for John and Emily to have their dinner in a dungeon, an ancient, cold, damp dungeon. Perfect. Almost as perfect for romance as the Tower of London. Keep in with the torture theme, John tells the story of his last love and how he was spurned. His girlfriend disappeared for three days and cheated on him “with some doctor dude.” Emily feels bad about this like any normal human would, but you can sense her having the mothering sympathy for him rather than girlfriend sympathy. She did this with brain-injury Charlie, Nate (the guy who cried in the cave), and poor Travis. Not a good sign for Wolfie. Despite sitting on opposite sides of the settee, they share a wee kiss.

                    The group date card comes in for Sean, Doug, and Chris. Chris is maaaad, but I am thrilled because that means more solo Jef time! John coming home from the date sparks something inside Sean to go running through the streets of Praha calling Emily’s name to find her. He wanders about and finally finds her down a long covered street. She is happy to see him and lights up looking at him there on that street. They grab a beer in a random café. For my money, that would be the perfect date in Prague, not some dungeon. It pays off for Sean too as they make-out in there and on the street. Maybe he’ll be the one getting the group date rose.

                     Rural Czech Republic is like a fairytale town which is a great setting for this group date. Oh my gosh, a new mode of transportation! A rainy day carriage ride with three huge men, one tiny lady, and too many umbrellas. They get to the top of the hill to explore an incredible 13th century castle. Humble Doog gives a gracious toast to Emily, but she’s still unsure of the chemistry between them.

             They have a talk in a castle tower, and Emily correctly points out that his body language is off and he apologizes for touching her. It’s just not happening. With a crack of thunder, Emily declares she knows what she has to do.

She talks to him about how he’s moving so slow that there’s no movement. He kisses her. I groan in discomfort. She says thank you, but still goes through with letting him go because she has too much respect for him to keep him away from his son. This poor, poor man. He is a humble Doog, but a good Doog. I think he’s truly hit from the blind side by it. He wants so badly for his son to have a mom and a full family. Ohhh, that hits me in the heart. Right in the heart-bone. Good luck to you and Austin, Doug!

                Now it’s an impromptu two-on-one with Chris and Sean and one rose. She and Sean break away first after a weird key to “unlock the chat” gimmick. They have generic meeting the family talk and then have kissy time both there and in the tower stairwell. It’s not as hot and heavy as she an Arie, but the chemistry is definitely there.

Chris is planning on confronting Emily about why he didn’t get a one-on-one. Oh, great idea, Chris. Spend what precious little time you have with this woman pressuring her about her decision making skills. Perfect. The conversation is strained and boring because Chris is a vacuous butthead. She closed-lips kisses him a couple times while Chris voices over that he thinks he’s falling in love with her.

Based on the kisses Emily and Sean shared both the night before and this night, Sean is the shoe-in for the rose. She does give the rose to Sean while Chris just boils in his skin. He is insulted that she would want to meet Sean’s family over his. If I didn’t dislike this guy before, I really don’t like him at all now.

                 No matter about that stupid angry Muppet, it’s JEF TIME! The date card said “pull at my heartstrings” and that is, obviously, puppetry related. They visit a puppet/marionette shop! The puppeteer makes the Michael Jackson (RIP) marionette dance, and they joke around about other puppets. They are so cute together, but I cannot get over that this is just a little freaky and weird. When the two of them leave with the two marionettes of themselves, Jef runs back in to buy a tiny princess marionette to make sure they had Ricki too. How incredibly sweet is that? Kill me. It’s so sweet.

           I literally gasped out loud when they walk into the most beautiful library I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s like the library from Beauty and the Beast it’s so beautiful. So, what better location to reenact the highlights of their relationship thus far with puppets? Wait, what? This is getting weirder. I guess it works because the two of them are so goofy together, and they actually totally win me over with how precious it actually is.

I hate how much this is so cute. I laugh out loud at their puppet comedy. Via puppet, Jef says that he is “One hundred, no, one million per cent in love with her…Can we get a dog together?” and then I DIED. I DIED FROM HOW ADORABLE THAT IS. They mack and then their puppets hit faces because of it. Cheers to the camera guy and editors who pieced that mirror imaging together.

                  Ok, so the one thing I’m nervous about with Jef is his family situation. Emily won’t be meeting his parents because they’re in South Carolina and “committed to some stuff for a few years out there.” Really? Years? So Jef’s two brothers (THANK GOD) and two sisters (the third is in China) will be there. He admits that he once broke up with a girl because his family didn’t like her, which is scary, but I don’t think Emily has anything to worry about there.

They snuggle up on the floor and look up at the library and talk about marriage and living together and kids and their future. That is a really serious conversation, but it comes so natural to them. The chemistry is easy and great and just always there for those two. AND THEN I DIE AGAIN BECAUSE HE SAYS, “I wanna date you so hard and marry the f*** outta you.” LIKE, FOR REAL? REAL MEN EXIST WHO SAY SHIT LIKE THAT? ALTHOUGH I GUESS HE’S MORE AN ELF KING/GOBLIN PRINCE THAN A MAN SO MAYBE IT IS STILL ONLY MYTH BUT HE IS THE ULTIMATE.

               The men arrive in exquisite vintage Rolls Royces for the rose ceremony (Is anyone keeping a tally on the modeS of transportation?) at an equally exquisite Czech manse. Chris is already crying in his voice over about taking Emily for granted. JohnWolf is very confident though, and while I do not think he could win this at all, I am pulling for him. You go, Wolfie!

To say the shiny blue dress Emily is wearing is slinky and sexy would be the understatement of the century. She and Chrarrison have my favorite time, heart-to-heart time. She forgoes the cocktail party because she is so sure of her decision. But Chris wants to talk to her to fix things! To cry and to fix things!

            Emily gives a heartfelt speech to her guys about her decision making process and how she’s really starting to feel real love “which makes every second that she’s away from Ricki worth it.” And with that, she calls forth Jef, then Arie, and we are down to our predicted final two of Chris and Wolfman. There’s a long dramatic pause and then Chris steps up to talk to Emily. Everyone feels the tension sky rocket. Chris apologizes for his boyish actions on the date and let’s her know he’s “ready to be the man that she deserves.” It all just seems so scripted to me and planned out and not effective.

               In the end, after the longest pause they could possibly muster, Emily gives Chris the rose. I may or may not have shouted a four-letter word at the TV at this. I am outraged and shocked. I mean, I know that Chris doesn’t stand a chance, but he’s still a d-bag. I rue the day I run into him in Chicago. Yuck. Yucky. Yuckiest that his little speech may just have worked.

               Well, that brings us to the end of this week and we’re headed all over America for the hometown dates next week. I have a fever and am hopped up on some good medicine, so with this journey-ers, I’m getting a big bowl of mango sorbet and stalking Jef Holm on Tumblr. Godspeed, y’all.

Some bonus Jef because I love you guys...

   Elvin King of my Heeeaarrrtt!

"Turn the World Around" - Muppets and Acceptance in a Weird World

It goes without saying that it's been a weird couple of days in the news, in the world. People are feeling angry and people are feeling sad and people are feeling helpless. And in my desire to ease a little bit of the hurt and confusion, I wanted to share something uplifting. This song quickly came to mind.

From the 1979 episode of the Muppet Show hosted by Harry Belafonte, it's called "Turn the World Around". The song is simple, and its message isn't as much about equality as it is about understanding. An understanding of universality that is the key to stopping any hostility felt and acted on towards a perceived "other", and an understanding of universality that reminds us that we are never alone in this life because we are connected at the deepest, most basic level. Things it would do us all well to remember right about now. It was Jim Henson's favorite musical number the Muppet Show ever did.

But that's enough from me, I'll let Harry do the rest.

I saw this a couple weeks ago, and even then, I was jumping on the Dujardin train a little late.  Now that he's won some much deserved Oscar gold for his role in the Artist, I wanted to make sure everyone else on the train had seen this piece of comedy excellence.

Also, that they've seen this...

...and this, taken shortly after he proclaimed his love for both the American people and our cinnamon rolls.

May his flame be a long burning one.

throwback to the bachelor... but am I the only one who noticed that they literally never ate the dinners. on dates there would be delicious food laid out before them and a gosh darn heaping of grapes and they never effing touched it. also, hometowns. thanks mom for making this meal for national tv and no one will eat it what?? I don't get it

This is one of my great pet peeves with the show. When do they eat?! During Emily's season especially it got to me so much that I remember screaming at the TV watching her and Jef go around the London Eye with two spectacular trifles/parfaits sitting in front of them that remained completely untouched even as they exited.

My theory for hometown food is that producers force everyone to cater the food and then just pretend to make it at home.

WHY WON'T THEY EAT THOUGH? FOOD IS SO GOOD.

Henley Monday -

What day is it? What month am I in? Where in time do I exist? I DON'T KNOW.  I just don't know right now. I'm incredibly discombobulated and under extreme duress, so YEAH I totally forgot Henley Monday yesterday. But listen, listen, listen here is a really, truly wonderful image of some guy (WHO IS HE?) in a stunning ensemble of henley and suspenders and beard.

This random stranger is everything I'm clinging to right now. Hold me tight, bro! Hold me tight!

Henley Monday -

Yesterday was MLK Day and many of you had the day off to relax and reflect on the accomplishments of that great man and maybe watch some inaugural ceremony. Today is different though. Today is the Monday of your shortened week and sad, post-long weekend heart.

Worry not. I know how rough it is to get through shortened weeks sometimes. Sometimes they can feel the very longest of all, but Adam Scott is here to just listen. His cute, tiny face will stare directly and serenly at yours as you tell him the troubles of your work week.

This guy. He gets it. He knows how to be a man in a sweet, cozy henley and be a man who can support you. That's my kind of guy.

EncycloPETE-ia Holmes - A Guide to His Oeuvre Available Online

Tonight at 12 EST/11 CT The Pete Holmes Show will premiere on TBS, and it is gonna change your life for the better. Pete has been building his empire quietly but steadily for several years now, and he's about to become a household name and your new favorite comedian. And anyone who has had a conversation with me that lasted more than two minutes in the past four months can vouch that I literally will not shut up about how much I love Pete Holmes. There's a good chance that I am the biggest Pete Holmes proselytizer who isn't Old Petey Pants himself.

Which brings us to this: The Encylopaedia of Pete Holmes’ work, which I have personally curated for you to get maximum delight from the Harbinger of Joy himself: Pete Holmes.

http://www.youtube.com/user/peteholmes?feature=watch

Pete’s  YouTube channel is now also his official channel for THE PETE HOLMES SHOW. It not only has the more recent sketches they’ve been doing for promos, but it’s also full of various stand up clips, appearances on Conan, and other odds and ends.  I would highly recommend watching his most recent interview on Conan and the full “Batman vs. Superman” sketch to get a good feel for his overall sense of humor and sensibility. Also on YouTube, I recommend this video HYPERLINK HERE in which his good buddy (and writer on TPHS) Chris Thayer interviews Pete after both having eaten whole habanero peppers.

http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/news/inside-the-pete-holmes-show-20131028

This Rolling Stone article is a good overview of how Pete plans to differentiate his late night show from all the others, and shows his overall bonhomie to fellow comedians and late-night hosts.

http://www.laughspin.com/2013/10/24/the-very-thorough-laughspin-interview-with-pete-holmes/

True to its title, this LaughSpin article is “very thorough” but it’s great that way. Pete’s podcast is always very thorough and this interviewer does a good job getting weird with Pete. It discusses a little more how Pete got to this place and his feelings about starting this huge new chapter.

http://instagram.com/peteholmes#

Pete’s Instagram is  filled with behind the scenes pics from the show as well as fun weird stuff he sees around that makes him laugh like a braying donkey with a megaphone.

https://twitter.com/peteholmes

You need to follow him on twitter not only to keep yourself completely up to date with all of his professional doings but also because he knows how to use the form effectively with his own voice and that is fun, friends. Especially whenever Chelsea Peretti (@chelseavperetti), one of Pete’s real life best friends, gets involved.

https://vine.co/v/hdjXjFL7OBh

Pete’s Vine might actually be my favorite little piece of the Holmes Oeuvre. It is perfectly suited to his sense of humor and personality. It’s so infectiously happy that recently on vacation, my sister and I spent hours going back through almost every one of Pete’s Vines. We then proceeded to drive our Mother to the very brink of insanity as we sang his little Vine songs in a real life loop. This “Banana Sings” Vine has actually gone viral and for good reason. It is perfection.

http://www.nerdist.com/podcast/you-made-it-weird/

You Made it Weird is Pete’s podcast that falls under the Nerdist group of podcasts. With each guest, Pete sits down to have an in depth interview, often times with both the guest and host sharing about their lives in a vulnerable, accessible, and gut bustingly hilarious way. There are episodes where you truly laugh and then cry and then cry while laughing. Pete’s friendly charisma sets up a real space of trust so that the guests feel comfortable sharing everything from the story of losing their virginity to almost getting killed in an abandoned haunted mansion. The latter actually happened on the Chris Gethard episode which has been one of my favorites.  It gets weird in a lot of ways, not least of which when Chris shares something personal about his career that could’ve derailed a different interview but manages to be a really poignant moment on YMIW.

“Impregnated with Wonder” and “Nice Try, the Devil”

Both of Pete Holmes’ hour-long albums are available on Spotify streaming for FREE right now. They are also available for video download for the low, low price of $5 on Comedy Central’s website. Both albums are terrific and great to listen to, but so much of comedy is in Pete’s facial expressions and physical humor, that if, at this point, you’re convinced that you love Pete Holmes, the video downloads are really worth it. Plus you then have them to force your friends to watch when they tell you they don’t really know who he is.

http://peteholmes.com/

And yes, of course Pete has a website that has all the things I just laid out for you in one helpful spot should you for any reason forget the link to this post. It’s not quite as fun without my sparkling curatorial commentary, but it really gets the job done with extra and updated info for tour dates and new guests on the show.

That wraps up the EncyloPETEia. I really hope you put it to good use, namely making yourself a happier person. I’m genuinely thankful that Pete Holmes is a comedian and that it is 2013 where I have 100% FREE access to so much of his comedy. My final hope is that you will join me tonight, and every weeknight hence, glued to your TV after Conan watching THE PETE HOLMES SHOW flourish and succeed and become a much beloved late night show. Pete is the late night host we deserve, not the one we think we need.

Bridging the Gap - On Filling the Pop Culture Lull

The gap between summer and fall, from about mid-August to late-September, is big old lull, pop-culturally speaking. All the summer programming is over, but the news shows haven’t started and the old shows haven’t picked back up. All the summer blockbusters have long since been released, and the critically acclaimed films gearing up towards awards-season are sitting in the pot.

So what’s a bear to do? Hibernate? I think not. Here are my recommendations of how to efficiently fill your time in the Pop-Culture Lull.

1) Books - There are no fewer than five books on my nightstand right now that I am either half-way through or am borrowing from a friend who insisted I read them (four months ago). But summer caught up with me and the books got put aside for the beach and festivals and concerts and movies. So use this time to finally finish Game of Thrones, book 2, “A Clash of Kings”, or read “The Fault in Our Stars” so you can finally give it back to your friend who just wants to talk about Hazel and August Waters with you!

                            2) Podcasts - In the past, I’ve only listened to podcasts while on my commutes, but in the past month, I’ve discovered several new, great podcasts that help pass the time cooking, cleaning, or just sitting around. They can be purely entertaining (try Pop My Culture Podcast, or Pop Culture Happy Hour), they can be enlightening (try This American Life, or The Moth), they can be in-depth portraits of actors, writers, or musicians (try WTF? with Marc Maron, or Doug Loves Movies), or they can be any number of other things. The best part is that the vast majority of podcasts are 100% free, so open up the podcast tab in iTunes and subscribe to a few that most peak your specific interests. 

                        3) Classic Films – My regular readers know how derelict I am in my knowledge of the top classic films. But this isn’t just me; most of us have a pop-culture blind-spot. A classic thing that it seems EVERYONE ELSE LIVING has seen, but we haven’t. Netflix has all of the modern classics readily available, but they also have every film on the AFI Top 100 Movies of All Time (click through here for the full list). This is a great time to finally watch Citizen Kane, Vertigo, Gone with the Wind, and clear up that blind-spot.

                      4) Start a new TV show on Netflix – While you wait for your old favorite shows to start up once again, pick up something new that everyone has been imploring you to watch for months, or possibly years. If I had a nickel for every time someone has literally yelled at me to watch “Breaking Bad”, I would be a rich lady indeed. You can check out that show, "Sherlock", "Louie", and tons more current, popular show on Netflix instant. Or go the classic route like with your movies. All eleven seasons of “Frasier” are also on instant, which is a beautifully crafted comedy that I bet you’ve overlooked with prejudgments. “Firefly” likewise is a great, short-lived TV show from the brilliant brain of Joss Whedon, who, you know, recently earned all the money for a little film called “the Avengers” so…credentials…

     5) Revisit Old Favorites – Do you have all the seasons of the Simpsons on DVD? What about the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy with extended editions and commentary? How about the Colin Firth, BBC mini-series of “Pride and Prejudice”? Get down with your old favorites that you haven’t devoted time to in a while! You miss them and you don’t even know. You want to cry over the perfection of Mr. Darcy and you really want to spend almost a full day in the world of Middle Earth.

     If you can’t successfully utilize any of these to help pass the time from limbo to full-blown media overload, I don’t know what to do with you. Take a walk? Maybe? Who knows? But, hopefully any/all of these things will fill that void and successfully carry you through, and who knows, maybe open up a new pop-culture addiction. Which you can never have too many of, honestly.

The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

When we last left our hero, Sean had narrowed down the gaggle of women vying for his true and everlasting love down to 16 from 19. The previews for this week show Tierra taking a dramatic fall down the stairs, so we have that to look forward to. They want us to believe it might be due to foul play, perhaps even on the part of Kacie B., and I can’t wait to see it.

Knowing exactly what we’ve all come here for, ABC dutifully starts the show with a montage of Sean doing various exercises and sweating it out on the treadmill. Sean sweats a lot, so I think he really works out that hard, that often. Good for him. I hope he puts forth that much effort into things like reading and keeping abreast of current events.

Kicking off is the first one-on-one date with Leslie M. Leslie H. the poker dealer is really disappointed that it’s the other Leslie who gets to spend quality time with Sean. As Leslie is getting ready and telling us how excited she is, I can’t help but notice once more how much she reminds me of just “that girl” from college. She is pretty, she is perky, she is actually really smart and studious, but also a bit of a wild card. Like, don’t we all know a Leslie?

“It could take our relationship to the next level, which would be a great thing,” she beams to camera. Yes, Leslie, taking your relationship from having done one photo-shoot together to an actual relationship would be a thing.

In the limo, Sean and Leslie discuss what the date card could possibly mean. It said “How long will this love last?” and that’s a little presumptuous to use the word “love” date card.

Then they pull up to the most horrifying museum on one of the most awful streets of America, the Guinness World of Records Museum on Hollywood Boulevard!!! It would be nearly impossible for me not to make a sour face upon arriving at what I presume is a very smelly (You know how some poorly kept museums smell weird?) and stupid museum.

Leslie proves she’s in politics by diplomatically saying, “Ok. This could be fun. But, like, if I could’ve picked any place, I really didn’t think we’d be coming to the Guinness World Records.”

They wander about and comment on the plastic mannequins of various world records. I can only imagine how bad that museum smells. It looks very small and very creepy, but the two manage to smile and laugh.

“It’s been fun because she is fun to interact with” is a real sentence that came out of Sean’s mouth to describe this terrible date. I am going on public record that I will volunteer my time to tutor him in use of the English language and maybe read a few books. Nothing sexy, just book-learning. Get in touch, Sean.

Well, now, hang on a sec! What’s this! Sean wants to show Leslie the reason he brought her to this toilet bowl! Set up in the middle of the museum is a poster board that production put together at Kinko’s and mounted on a tripod. He tells us the story, “Something that you need to know, is that my dad? He likes to do things a little outside the norm.” Oh boy. “He set the record for driving through the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time.” So, pretty much the most boring world record you can think of. Longest amount of time sitting on a couch would be more exciting than that. But Leslie is astonished and thrilled!

And now the real fun begins because Sean takes her out to the front of the museum to a cheering crowd and Chris Harrison who tells them that they will be attempting to set the world record for longest on-screen kiss! WOOOOO! It’s three minutes, sixteen seconds and she looks very, very scared.

To make this as uncomfortable for everyone as possible, the two mount a small platform and then we painstakingly watch all three minutes and twenty seconds of their kiss. At first it’s a fine kiss, then it just drags on and on and I hope they can breathe. They are both commenting how ridiculous it is, and then finally, finally they break the record and detach lips.

What a fun, fun date and what a great story to tell the grandkids, “Oh yeah on our first date Grandpa took me to a crappy museum then forced me to kiss him for a record setting amount of time as he sucked the oxygen from my lungs, then we fell in love”.

Now for the rest of their date under the sign on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel. Leslie talks about how much she loved growing up, and how much she loves hanging out with her family, and how much she admires the love that her parents have. It might be sincere, but it also just sounds like the list of things Sean wants to hear because that’s what he is all about.

Kacie, Robyn, Kristy, Leslie H., Desiree, Catherine, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniela, Jackie, and Tierra are all going on the group date that says “Who’s going to win my heart?” And some of the girls are excited for an active date.

Back on the roof top, Leslie and Sean awkwardly kiss some more while holding champagne flutes! There is nowhere to put them down but they can’t just spill all over each other so they manage to kiss with champagne flutes precariously perched all about. And Sean gives her the rose. I like Leslie just fine, so I’m not sorry to see her stick around for a bit, which I think she just might.

Beach party group date!!! The girls pull up in their beachy best for a day of fun in the sun! Kristy the Ford Model is wearing more makeup than a drag queen and has a bandana around her head like 80s fitness Barbie. All the girls appear to be wearing coordinated swimwear provided by some unnamed sponsor.

Sean does push-ups with one of the girls on his back in front of all the other women.

Surprise! CHRARRISON IS HERE! A no-stakes beach party was too good to be true, so to make everything horrible Bachelor style, they’ll be split into teams and play a game of volleyball. The losing team goes home, and the winning team gets the rest of the date with Sean. They do this at about this time every season just to bring out the best and worst in the contestants.

Handily enough, the randomly selected teams are wearing matching swimsuits. Blue team: Kacie, Lindsay, Jackie, Robyn, Desiree, and Amanda. Red team: Taryn, Leslie, Kristy, Daniela, Tierra, and Catherine. Catherine hasn’t gotten much screen time, but in every frame she is smiling or jumping for joy or laughing and not in a dumb way. I think she is 100% reveling in the fun that is being a contestant on this crazy show, and I like that.

This game is “not exactly pretty” as Sean says and I can’t help but agree. Out of twelve women, not one of them played high school volleyball, and so it drags on and on and on with lots of shrieking and falling. Finally, the blue team prevails and wins their hard-earned time with Sean.

To say the girls on the red team are devastated would not nearly accurately describe the depth of their disappointment. Taryn can’t believe how much was at stake and they lost it all. Over the joyous squawking of the blue team, Sean says good-bye to the other girls.

Kristy starts sobbing and is beating herself up about letting her team down. She needs to take a deep breath. Leslie H. starts crying in the van-ride home too.

The victors are swept off to the most magical and romantic of locations: Sean’s pad. “Follow me. Welcome to my place,” he deadpans as he leads the girls to their dream date. They can’t help but gloat about how lucky they are to spend time with Sean.

Walking into the living of the mansion clad only in the bikinis they left in, the losers arrive to lick their wounds. As some more women begin to cry at their loss, Catherine just holds her face and observes them as if to say, “Omg, guys. Get over it. It’s not that big of a deal.” Preach, Cathy!

Tucked into a dark corner of the property, Lindsay professes her very deep, very quick feelings for Sean and they make out. She seems young, but she’s making up ground from her initial freak-show status.

Desiree pulls him away to another dark corner next, and she is just cute as a button. They have some actually good and natural banter that doesn’t consist of her professing her deep love for him way too soon.

The final one-on-one date card comes and Tierra picks it up. She reads off AshLee’s name…then Selma’s! What!? No! Not a two-on-one! And especially not with those two chicks that I like so much! Except wait. Just kidding. Tierra made a hi-larious little joke there. She is so funny. I’m laughing so much. The girls are about as amused by it as I am. Sarah feels me. She is over that Tierra girl.

So it’s just AshLee on the date. As a side note though, Selma looks like she isn’t wearing a stitch of makeup in this scene and is still radiantly lovely. I’m jealous but even more totally Team Selma.

Anyways, on the group date Amanda is very contrary and still really negative which makes sweet lil’ Desiree all fired up. Amanda proclaimed earlier that she is very competitive and we see that side come roaring out as she goes gunning for the rose. Desiree is not thrilled by her blunt confidence and calls Amanda “creepy”.

Meanwhile, Kacie has been keenly observing this whole ordeal, and decides that it would be to her advantage to tell Sean about their issues because she thinks he won’t put up with drama. So she pulls him aside and tells him all of this. And he basically says who cares? Kacie tries to backtrack and make it about her being confused and distracted, but he’s just over it right then and there.

Sean gives the date rose to Lindsay of all people and she is just happy as can be! A strange choice but whatever, I don’t think she’s going to be here all that long.

Now that that heinous group date is out of the way, it’s time for dear sweet AshLee to get her one-on-one time. She wants to be able to tell Sean about her past and being adopted and just have some good conversation. I like this girl already, and plus her hair is beautiful and her dress is pretty.

Then we hear a series of thuds and several shrieks and squeals. Tierra down, everybody! We have a Tierra down! A burly producer runs right to her aid, as all the other girls quickly gather to observe the scene. They let Sean just waltz into the house and call out “Good-morning!”

He tries asking Tierra questions and she is just not responding and being weird, and he thinks she has a concussion. “As a guy who’s had several concussions,” AH THERE’S THE RUB “I know we might need to get her to a hospital.”

So the ambulance is called and paramedics arrive. But Tierra no likey. As they start to put a brace on and get her strapped to a gurney she becomes quite petulant. “I’m FINE,” she wines, “I don’t wanna do this!” She sounds like a sixteen-year-old being told to clean the bathroom.

She just wants to be left alone! Waaa! She doesn’t want to do this! Waaaa! Sarah makes eye contact with an EMT and they share an eye roll. Sarah is also wearing a “support local artists” tank top, so extra plus bonus points for Sarah.

All of the girls are totally over it when they take off the neck brace and Tierra just springs back into standing position and mopes away. Least amused of all is AshLee, “I’m a smart woman. I can see through [her].” Tierra is twenty-four and seems about as mature as a recently turned twenty-one-year-old. AshLee, despite her infantile name, is thirty-two years old and has been through real sh*t. She has no patience for this. It’s date time! Get your man and go!

Sean and AshLee finally get on their way, and stop his jeep at the front gates to Six Flags! This is a date I can get behind. The park is open only for them, and a few special guests Sean has invited along to show how dear volunteering is to him. Joining them will be two chronically ill girls who met online through a charity called “Starlight Children’s Foundation” but have never met in person. So today, they get to finally meet and spend all day at the amusement park. So sweet. I love this.

Brianna is a tiny little thing with very long hair. You can see the excitement radiating off her, and then the next limo pulls up with Emily. They run to each other and gently hug with great emotion as Sean explains that they both suffer from mitochondrial disease. They both look so wee and fragile, so I hope they don’t break on the coasters.

Sean and AshLee are both very genuine and very sweet with these two girls who are totally awesome. I can’t help but wonder if they’re Nerdfighters. Anybody out there know? They ride the rides and play the games and have tons of fun. It’s a joy fest. AshLee is so touched that Sean was so thoughtful, and he is touched at how natural AshLee is making these girls comfortable.

Then there is a private concert from the Eli Young Band! For once they are not a d-list country band; they are pretty high up there. “I’ve never been to a concert!” one girl says. And they all dance as the girls sing along.

During their one-on-one time, Sean and AshLee have a natural conversation about her childhood and her adoption. She has such a calm demeanor and is so positive about everything that’s happened to her. You can see Sean’s heart growing, especially as she tells the story of really starting her life with her adoptive family. Sean tears up and sheds a few tears. I love seeing a grown man like that get teary eyed, and you can see them having a real connection and not just a Bachelor connection. This is a grounded, smart, great woman. You hold onto her, Sean! You don’t let that get away! And he makes the first step by giving her the rose!

Super creepily the band sneaks up behind them and starts playing again. So naturally they dance and share some really good kisses where Sean once again uses too much tongue. I feel like I see his tongue a lot on this show.

Then the Rose Ceremony of thievery begins. It all starts when Dez steals Sean from Tierra and the fire of Hades (or The Hades, right Daniela?) ignites behind her eyes. Tierra then immediately steals him back and then all of the other girls feel that this is what they must do for time with Sean steal him they must steal Sean but how can each person steal Sean to get the most time when everyone gets no time because of all the stealing?! HUH?? LADIES?? SLOW DOWN AND LET’S THINK.

Somewhere in there Sean pulls Sarah to the front of the house and a limo pulls up. She practically has a seizure thinking he’s sending her home, but really her French bulldog Leo hops out. This is a sweet but decidedly odd gesture for him to ship in her dog for 15 minutes of play time. Like, did it fly in? Who flew it in? How long was the dog there? What’s going on with the logistics of this dog visit!?

Anyways Chris Harrison makes me want to gouge my eyes out and cut off my little recapping fingers because we’re down to just thirteen from sixteen when Sean sends home Taryn and Kristy the Ford Model at the ceremony. He also sends Kacie home essentially for being a crazy person, which he called her to her face, but respects her too much to make her go through all the rose ceremony bullsh.

To conclude, I hope we start traveling soon to make things interesting and start sending girls home left and right. Let’s get this show on the road, people! See you next week when Tierra gets even crazier!!!

During The Women Tell All, Juan Pablo said "ees okay" to Andi several times because he knew she didn't like it. What a douche thing to do. He was so smug about it too!

Smug is the optimum word, for sure. He just had this chip on his shoulder that he couldn't shake off towards the end. I didn't start out hating this guy, but he didn't leave an inch of space for me to forgive him at any point along the way. Such a frustrating thing to watch. This interview with Chris Harrison after the finale is pretty interesting and seems to pinpoint some of the things I've been feeling about old JuanPa but couldn't put a finger on: http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=856726 …Leave it to Chris Harrison to bring me the peace of mind and understanding I need. Three cheers for Chrarrison!