Throwback To The Bachelor... But Am I The Only One Who Noticed That They Literally Never Ate The Dinners.

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The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

Hey kids. I can finally deliver to you last week’s Bachelorette recap. Moving is crazy and without internet in the house, things got overwhelming, so I put this on the back burner. But enough with excuses, let’s dive in!

We are just about halfway through Desiree's journey towards love, and hopefully things can only get really, really good from here. This week we finally go abroad-abroad to Munich, Germany. Let's see what kind of shit hits the proverbial fan, shall we?

The dudes are all properly stoked to be in Germany, and who can blame them? I would kill to go to Munich on somebody else’s dime.

I think Chris Harrison fulfills some subconscious fantasy I never knew I had when he greets the men on the main Platz by saying, “Guten Morgen!” This is Desiree’s first time in Europe, more importantly, from Chrarrison we find out that there will be a one-on-one, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one cage match where two men go in and only one comes out! Bring it!

The dudes go nuts in their plush suite. Obviously within seconds one of the meatheads has popped his meaty head out the window to shout “Hello, Munich!” Kasey laboriously recites some poorly worded German to camera.

CHRIS IS GETTING THE ONE-ON-ONE! YAY FOR YOU, CHRIS! Please write poems about it. “In Munich, we can fall in love with each other,” the card says auf Deutsch. Chris just keeps getting better and better, y’all. So cute I can’t handle it. So cute I can forgive him for describing his excitement as being “really jacked”.

Within the first minute of the date, it becomes abundantly clear that Chris speaks zero German, but neither does Des! So they will be acting like the cutest little fluffy bunnies all over Munich with a German phrase book to help.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel Bryden is once again expressing his doubts about his feelings. He’s  tells us Desiree is a great girl, but at the end of the day, his feelings for her aren’t progressing like the rest of the guys’. So, in order to save her any emotional duress, Bryden tells James he’s going to go home. Bryden leaves right then and there to interrupt Desiree on her date with Chris to tell her he’s leaving.

He’s going to be interrupting quite the party though. Des and Chris are wandering about, taking pictures with street performers, eating sausage Lady and the Tramp style, trying on dirndls and lederhosen. They are goofballs, and I love it.

In the hotel suite, James has assembled all the remaining men in their MATCHING AMERICAN APPAREL HOODIES to break the news about Bryden leaving. I’m serious. They are all wearing the same American Apparel hoodie, just in different colors. I mean what a perfect time and place to evoke the Von Trapps. They are all stunned at the news. Zak’s crazy eyes grew three sizes that day.

Bryden is wandering the streets asking people if they’ve seen television cameras filming. It’s a pretty good strategy but hilarious in execution. He finally comes upon them in a courtyard where the happy couple is dancing to polka music. The cameras dramatically cut to a shot of Bryden’s face then slash cut to a gargoyle and I laugh and laugh and laugh. A gargoyle is appropriate imagery for breaking up with someone on TV for sure.

Further proving himself to be a really good guy, Bryden calls out to Chris first. He approaches and says, “I’m really sorry to do this to you… But can I just take her for a couple of minutes and bring her right back?” and because Chris is an equally good guy, he’s all “Yeah! Sure!”

To the cameras, Chris reveals that he’s a little confused and concerned about the whole ordeal. It’s ok, boo, things are gonna work out in your favor.

Bryden says to Desiree the same things he told us before, and you can see the sadness fill her eyes. Like Michael G. points out, it’s not like she didn’t know he was having doubts, so hopefully she’s prepared herself. But even preparing yourself mentally never quite gets your heart really prepared to be rejected. Least of all on a show where you are the one supposed to be doing all the rejecting. Des and Bryden leave each other without even a hug good-bye.

Chris is the absolute cutest man who has ever been on this show. I mean it. Cute-wise, there is none cuter than Chris. He wants nothing more than to reassure Desiree that he is there for her 100% and to make her feel better after essentially being dumped mid-date.

Oh wow they are in a dream-date locale. It’s the real Hofbräuhaus, and they have giant steins of beer and just a tree of soft pretzels sitting on their table. If anything can soothe a hurting heart, surely it is an adorable man and warm, salted breads.

After changing into formalwear, Desiree and Chris have dinner in an actual palace. Chris continues to be the cutest, “I don’t have to worry about the other guys in the house! I don’t have to worry about what time I have to go to bed! I don’t have to worry about brushing my teeth! I don’t have to worry about anything!” His childlike excitement about this whole thing is almost contagious, almost.

Chris wrote her a poem on the plane and brought it for her today. It’s called “Thoughts so True” and this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

While I stand there waiting, watching you

Your dress so perfect, you look so cute

You reach for red, a chance you’ll take

But choice is right and your mind is made

While I stand there waiting, my thoughts run free

Thoughts of past relationships, old to me

Girls I used to think were true

All out of mind as I think of you

The plan her’s now, not up to me

Feelings eternal if you choose me

And that absolutely exquisite piece of garbage makes Desiree cry. No one’s ever written a poem for me, crappy or otherwise, so I can’t say how I’d react. And Chris deserves to be mocked forever for that rhyming, sophomoric hilarity, but I still kind of love it. Chris! What are you DOING to me?!

Obviously he gets the date rose. Then there is ANOTHER PRIVATE CONCERT FROM A THIRD RATE MUSICIAN. This time they’ve flown Matt White to Germany. I enjoy his song, and the couple continues being fluffy lil’ bunnies dancing along to it.

Safe from the two-on-one and headed on the group date are Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew, and Mikey. Which means Michael and Ben are on the two-on-one.

“I need to now go and murder Ben,” is what Michael, A FEDERAL PROSECUTOR, says re: his two-on-one date situation. He also makes a couple other lawyer analogies about convicting Ben of being an asshole, but I’m distracted by his poofy hair. They keep cutting to shots of him sans-hair product and it is nothing but pure puff that would make John Green a raging squid of jealousy.

“Will you climb the highest mountain for me?” inquires the date card. Trust, the Sound of Music references the producers are making are not lost on me. The dudes will be goofing around with Desiree at the peak of the highest mountain in Germany. If you thought Juan Pablo looked sexual in cowboy gear, he looks a bajillion times hotter in a snow parka with Ray Bans on. Good. Lord.

And then they try and have Juan Pablo talk about the yodeler and he can’t say yodeler and it’s so precious. Can I just have the Juan Pablo show please? All Juan Pablo, all the time.

Then they all go sledding in state of the art lil sleds. Drew, ever the voice of truth states ,“Des is a badass.” And she is. She’s having as much fun wiping out on her sled as she is sledding. Yeah, girl!

Zak makes the obligatory analogy of the date to the Bachelor process! Someone had to do it, might as well be Crazy Eyes.

They have a snowball fight with the guys being too aggressive with Des like boys on a playground. And to warm up, everybody heads into a snow-hotel. It’s like a hobbit house made of snow in the side of the mountain, and I want to go to there. It is awesome in a primordial, mythical way.

Desiree makes out with Brooks in a side room. Mikey really wants the date rose though. I don’t understand why Mikey is still there. He’s convinced he and Des have chemistry, but I’m not so sure. Compared to the other guys she’s having a “connection” with, I don’t get it with meat-head Mikey.

They build some mini-snowmen which Des eats right up. But cue the devious music, Zak W. comes creeping out with a glass of wine to spy. He then begins to yodel to interrupt their time. He is a complete loon.

YALL. Zak tells us that last time he was in Germany was ten years ago and he made a huge life decision. And now he’s here to make a decision about who he’s going to spend the rest of his life with (which is a bit of putting the cart before ten other horses). HE THEN TELLS DESIREE THAT HE INITIALLY WAS IN SCHOOL TO BECOME A PRIEST. A PRIEST. “WILL YOU ACCEPT THESE ABS” GUY WANTED TO BE A PRIEST. I cannot reconcile these images.

He realized in Germany that priesthood was not the path for him, and he’s hopeful that Germany will lead him to love forever with Desiree. Oof. This guy’s clock is just ticking. There is no way he’s got staying power here. I mean, have y’all seen Drew?

This group date is where the true feelings towards James start to come out. Drew feels that he’s just playing the game. Brooks thinks he acts like two different people. Juan Pablo gives him suspicious eyes whenever he talks. Time will reveal his true colors. But for now, Brooks gets the date rose for being a sweet, sweet clown. James is pissed about it.

The producers found a random street dog to shoot! Ben is preparing for his tension-filled two-on-one by remembering to be a “good Christian man” in response to anything Michael lobs his way.

Michael has convinced himself that Desiree has selected him specifically to expose Ben for the lying, cheat he really is. I don’t think that’s so much the case, Michael. I think the people who’ve watched you blatantly hate him for weeks selected you for this date.

Michael is seriously talking about how he feels that being a lawyer has prepared him for this moment. He uses words like “cross examining” and “impeaching”. Take it easy, Mike. Vicious dude bashing never won fair lady.

Desiree is perfectly aware of how awkward this date will be. She’s using the awkwardness as a litmus test to see who can handle the pressure better. They are in a beautiful lakeside town called Tegernsee. It’s picturesque. They share some coco from a thermos on a park bench (ROMANCE).

As most of you know, I’m doing all this nonsense in public because my internet is down, and I want you to know that I’m watching this date happen from between parted fingers. I look insane, but this date is that awful. Michael is on the war path from the start. And Ben is just boring. It’s not so much that I dislike him; it’s more that he is a NOTHING person. He’s got a son, and he’s from Texas. There is NOTHING more to Ben than the thick layer of slime covering these two facts.

To break the palpable tension, Desiree wants in on the fun she missed out on last season in Lake Louise. The three of them are going to do a Polar Bear Plunge. The dudes are not super jazzed about the prospect. Michael is wearing the belt from his blue fluffy robe as a headband to show he is “quirky” and “fun”.

BUT JK LOLZ THEY AREN’T DOING A PLUNGE! They are going in a “hot tug” which is a little dingy that’s rigged to be a mobile, boat-hot-tub. Kind of cool but the last thing in the world I want to do on a two-on-one is be trapped in a MOBILE HOT TUB BOAT ON A LAKE IN GERMANY.

It is as horrible as you’d imagine. They are involved in a mid-lake pissing contest talking to Des. Then Michael just straight up asks Ben what happened to the mother of his child. Ben is diplomatic I guess, but still slimy.

I will say though that Michael is just interrogating him and basically trolling Ben with statements about his parenting. Desiree is rightfully super duper uncomfortable.

MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE HOTEL SUITE – the boys are separated into two factions. On one side we have Chicago boys Mikey and James, on the other we have sweet boys Drew, Kasey, Brooks, and Chris (Zak and Juan Pablo are missing in action).

Drew and Kasey essentially hold court in one room of the suite to discuss the dirty, ulterior motives James has for being there, all of which they overheard while pretending to be asleep in a van. At the same time James and Mikey are gooning it up doing things like massaging each other’s faces. No really.

Drew alleges that James suggested they “bring girls out on his boat and have intimate settings out on the water” INTIMATE SETTINGS! Drew says “intimate settings” like the words were made of fire.

James also allegedly said, “I can introduce you to tall, good-looking women that have a lot of money.” And, “I already run Chicago, once everyone knows us we can run the town.” Um, pretty bold statement from an advertising exec when you consider the kind of shit that actually goes down in this city. The kind of people who run this town are NOT the kind of men who go on the Bachelorette. Please.

Drew and Kasey want to present Desiree with this info at the cocktail party tomorrow. They are the Good Guys Club. I’m sure Juan Pablo is on their side.

Back on the two-on-one, the group has dinner in a cozy cabin. Michael decides it’s time to fully interrogate Ben. He calls into question his fathering skills and his faith. Michael is so much on the offensive that it’s very uncomfortable for Des. You can see her try to keep things light, but Michael doesn’t let it go.

Ben gets so infuriated that he excuses himself from the table. He keeps bringing up how hard it is for him to be “a good Christian man”. Ugh shut up Ben.

Desiree scolds Michael for being so intense and persistent, and only then do we see it dawn on Michael that maybe he was a little too much. Des goes outside to check on sulky Benny boy. They are both being such idiots that at this point she doesn’t know if she’ll give out the rose at all. Yes! Please! Be rid of them both!

Once alone in a wine dungeon Michael calmly and sanely tells Desiree some of the more damning evidence against Ben. She also talked with Ben down there but he was boring and said the same stuff about being a dad.

The moment of truth arrives. Desiree picks up the rose and decides to give it to the man she could “see a potential future with” and that man is…MICHAEL! WOW. Wow. This might be one of the first times a Bachelor/ette gets rid of the one that everyone else hates. I’m so proud of her.

Showing himself to be exactly the kind of “good Christian man” he is on the inside Ben storms out saying things like “To hell with him for what he said to me,” and, “F*** this. That was a f***ing poor decision.” COOL, GUY. SO COOL. As soon as he gets in the limo he starts peacocking to try and prove that he isn’t hurt by this. He ends up just coming off as a psycho.

He says stuff like “Be careful who you pick as the next Bachelor. You guys really missed out on Single Dad from Texas….HI, HOLLYWOOD!” and finally, “How long do I have to wait before I can be seen in public with someone because I DON’T WANT TO WAIT HAAHAHAHAHAHA” Really. He leaves us with maniacal laughter.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony this week is taking place inside a stunningly beautiful palace. It’s insane. It looks like it’s the Beauty and the Beast castle. We are also getting a good fireside chat with the one and only Chrarrison!

Instead of getting to matters of the heart, we talk matters of the mouth. Chrarrison is asking her all about kissing the guys. She says, all very diplomatically, that she would like to kiss Brooks because their relationship is the most developed. Then says that on a purely phsycial level the Zak is a good kisser which GROSS. GROSS. Ugh. I mean I guess we all have preferences but ZAK IS SO GROSS.

As the guys arrive, Good Guys Club are nervous about breaking the news to Des about  James. But lo! Desiree tells Chris that her decision is already made, and that she doesn’t need a cocktail party. Bum! BUM! BUUUUMMMMMM!

It looks like Drew is about to spontaneously combust after Des tells them the news, and James just blurts out, “you look beautiful.” Yeah. What the hell James? Not the time. But Drew, baby, it’ll be ok. Des’ heart will eventually lead her to the right place.

First name out is Zak, then Kasey, then Juan Pablo (THANK GOD), then Drew. So at this point all the Good Guys Club is saved, leaving only James and Mikey. And she calls out…James. Drew looks like he just pooped his pants.

Mikey is a sad goon. Mikey is not the guy for Des, but he’s pretty composed giving his final interview. He will treat some lady like an absolute queen and she will have a palace furnished by his plumbing contracting riches, but for now it’s the end of the road for him.

I cannot wait to watch next week’s episode when we travel to Spain! I will not lie and say I’m most excited that they are bringing JUAN PABLO TO A SPANSIH SPEAKING COUNTRY OLÉ! See you guys for the man-tears festival of pain and lies. Besos.

Until tomorrow, find me at @chasspod and recaps, from now on, go up every Wednesday.

A Guide to Naming Your Dog

Thinking up great names for dogs occupies anywhere from 50-85% of my thoughts on any given day. I obsess over potential names almost as much as I obsess over the actual dog. It’s fascinating, and endlessly entertaining.

Tragically, having a dog just isn’t in the cards for me right now. For one, my apartment in Chicago is a no-pet zone. But even if it were legal to have a furry friend, I don’t exactly have the time or means to support another life. I can barely get myself walked and fed. I work nights and keep odd hours. I’m a comedian and restaurant maitre d’, which if you were under the impression that either of those jobs give me a great deal of disposable income, let me be the first to kindly laugh in your face.

But you know what’s a great, money-free way to spend time and enjoy life? The internet! Among tens of others, I spend a considerable amount of my time on petfinder.com pining over the sweet canines who need my rescue and love. There are photo galleries and profiles for each dog so you can fall in love and have your heart broken several times over the course of a few hours. Of course, many of those dogs have been given placeholder names, essentially just a label. These dogs  deserve more than just that, they need an identity, and thus, I put my energy into thinking up the best names for optimal dog nomenclature.

I bring to you the top contenders I’ve come up with heretofore. But just know that if you end up using one of my suggestions for your very own dog, I’m going to need a picture for my records at probably, like, a play date or two.

1) Gulliver - This Swift-inspired name would accompany a rough-and-tumble scruff-bucket companion. A dog is adventurous by nature, and you would destine him for greatness with the moniker of the greatest adventurer in the literary cannon. Other adventurous literary figures suitable for dog names include Huckleberry, Ahab, Jack Kerouac, and Aeneas.

2) John Krasinski – John Krasinski is obviously the best name for a charming and rambunctious, always smiling kind of animal. This name hinges on the personality of the dog. It has to have that effortless, Krasinski charm, or it’s just nonsense. I really love when dogs have first and last names, and I really, really love when dogs are named after minor celebrities/historical figures. To whit…

3) Any of the Bulls 90s starting lineup - You’ve got your Michael Jordan’s and Scottie Pippin’s, sure. But what about a tall red-haired dog named Luc Longley? Or a svelt brunette named Toni Kukoc? Oh, please, meet my rottweiler-mix Ron Harper. Sit, Steve Kerr! Good, Steve! But not Dennis Rodman. You do not want to set yourself up for failure by naming your dog Dennis Rodman.

4) Dr. Egon Spengler – “Why does that sound familiar?” you might be asking yourself. “Where is that name from?” you wonder. It’s from Ghost Busters. It’s the name of the esteemed scientist portrayed by the prolific Harold Ramis. The three part nature of this dog name makes it great. You could call him Doc or Egon for short, but when you need to scold him or really get his attention Dr. Egon Spengler will come out of your mouth melodiously.

5) Influential Figures from Your Line of Work – Are you an anthropologist? Then just IMAGINE the knowing laughs when you tell your colleagues your dog’s name is Leakey. Leakey the dog! Hysterical! Actors would have great success with an elegant French bulldog named Uta or Stanislavski. Fear not, businessmen, you too can have a work-inspired canine friend. How about Keynes? What a dignified dog.

This last one really is a choose your own adventure. And besides, what’s just a little creative work of your own when I’ve already given you so many helpful suggestions? You’re the one with a dog, after all, not me.

I'm still working away on getting the Bachelor recap up for this week. In the meantime, I wanted to take a moment to pimp out my new blog!

Candice and I have been working on putting this together basically since we came down with One Direction fever back in November. We are stupidly proud of it. It would mean a lot if you check it out and give us a follow.

Love to you all and that recap is coming soon!

Hello and Welcome!

I’m Cassie and the other Moderator here is my best friend forever Candice. We’re just two 26 year-adult women with a crippling obsession with One Direction.

We just wanted to have you in to say welcome and let you know what kinds of things you can expect from us. As fully grown...

Henley Monday - Did you miss me last week? I missed you too, boo boos but sometimes vacation calls. Today though, I am not poolside and soaking up the sun's rays but rather ankle deep in house cleaning and also in a constant state of fear from the two house centipedes I've seen slithering around today. It's not ideal.

Good thing I have Theo James' steely gaze here to carry me through. James plays Four in the upcoming film version of the YA hit Divergent, or you might recognize him as the dubious and deceased cause of very much woe Mr. Pamuk from Downton Abbey. He is an incredible pleasure to behold in this henley. Also in this one:

Can you even? Because I cannot. Cheers to his burgeoning film ubiquity for I should very much like to look upon his face and form for many years to come. Cheers Theo.

Henley Monday -

Some Mondays you're a little sluggish after a nice, relaxing weekend. Some Mondays you wish that the weekend could be one day longer. Some Mondays you wish you had never tried a thing called white whiskey which might as well be called "Moonshine - Don't drink this unless you're a drifter from the 1930s or a Swanson".

However you're feeling today, let these pictures of hunkety-hunk Matt Bomer doing manly things sooth you. Look at him carry that shovel, gazing so thoughtfully, probably going to go rescue a horse in danger. And then he shows off the henley's utility by doing some woodwork on a piece of reclaimed pine.

What a treasure.

Henley Monday - Y'ALL. Things are rough right now. Last week there was a devastating hurricane that ravaged the East coast, Justin Timberlake put a ring on the Biel, and there is an incredibely important election tomorrow that is a closer race than it ever should have been.

BUT THROUGH THE MUCK AND THE MIRE I AM HERE TO SOOTHE YOUR WORRIED MINDS...with Chris Pine rockin' a henley in a photo with relaxing blue-grey tones.

Look at that face. Is that a face that's worried about setting the country back 50 years tomorrow? It's not. But it is a sexy, henley-wearing person who wants to remind you to vote. And to give what you can to the Red Cross Sandy relief efforts. And to start placing bets on how long it takes Bielberlake to go splitsville.

EncycloPETE-ia Holmes - A Guide to His Oeuvre Available Online

Tonight at 12 EST/11 CT The Pete Holmes Show will premiere on TBS, and it is gonna change your life for the better. Pete has been building his empire quietly but steadily for several years now, and he's about to become a household name and your new favorite comedian. And anyone who has had a conversation with me that lasted more than two minutes in the past four months can vouch that I literally will not shut up about how much I love Pete Holmes. There's a good chance that I am the biggest Pete Holmes proselytizer who isn't Old Petey Pants himself.

Which brings us to this: The Encylopaedia of Pete Holmes’ work, which I have personally curated for you to get maximum delight from the Harbinger of Joy himself: Pete Holmes.

http://www.youtube.com/user/peteholmes?feature=watch

Pete’s  YouTube channel is now also his official channel for THE PETE HOLMES SHOW. It not only has the more recent sketches they’ve been doing for promos, but it’s also full of various stand up clips, appearances on Conan, and other odds and ends.  I would highly recommend watching his most recent interview on Conan and the full “Batman vs. Superman” sketch to get a good feel for his overall sense of humor and sensibility. Also on YouTube, I recommend this video HYPERLINK HERE in which his good buddy (and writer on TPHS) Chris Thayer interviews Pete after both having eaten whole habanero peppers.

http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/news/inside-the-pete-holmes-show-20131028

This Rolling Stone article is a good overview of how Pete plans to differentiate his late night show from all the others, and shows his overall bonhomie to fellow comedians and late-night hosts.

http://www.laughspin.com/2013/10/24/the-very-thorough-laughspin-interview-with-pete-holmes/

True to its title, this LaughSpin article is “very thorough” but it’s great that way. Pete’s podcast is always very thorough and this interviewer does a good job getting weird with Pete. It discusses a little more how Pete got to this place and his feelings about starting this huge new chapter.

http://instagram.com/peteholmes#

Pete’s Instagram is  filled with behind the scenes pics from the show as well as fun weird stuff he sees around that makes him laugh like a braying donkey with a megaphone.

https://twitter.com/peteholmes

You need to follow him on twitter not only to keep yourself completely up to date with all of his professional doings but also because he knows how to use the form effectively with his own voice and that is fun, friends. Especially whenever Chelsea Peretti (@chelseavperetti), one of Pete’s real life best friends, gets involved.

https://vine.co/v/hdjXjFL7OBh

Pete’s Vine might actually be my favorite little piece of the Holmes Oeuvre. It is perfectly suited to his sense of humor and personality. It’s so infectiously happy that recently on vacation, my sister and I spent hours going back through almost every one of Pete’s Vines. We then proceeded to drive our Mother to the very brink of insanity as we sang his little Vine songs in a real life loop. This “Banana Sings” Vine has actually gone viral and for good reason. It is perfection.

http://www.nerdist.com/podcast/you-made-it-weird/

You Made it Weird is Pete’s podcast that falls under the Nerdist group of podcasts. With each guest, Pete sits down to have an in depth interview, often times with both the guest and host sharing about their lives in a vulnerable, accessible, and gut bustingly hilarious way. There are episodes where you truly laugh and then cry and then cry while laughing. Pete’s friendly charisma sets up a real space of trust so that the guests feel comfortable sharing everything from the story of losing their virginity to almost getting killed in an abandoned haunted mansion. The latter actually happened on the Chris Gethard episode which has been one of my favorites.  It gets weird in a lot of ways, not least of which when Chris shares something personal about his career that could’ve derailed a different interview but manages to be a really poignant moment on YMIW.

“Impregnated with Wonder” and “Nice Try, the Devil”

Both of Pete Holmes’ hour-long albums are available on Spotify streaming for FREE right now. They are also available for video download for the low, low price of $5 on Comedy Central’s website. Both albums are terrific and great to listen to, but so much of comedy is in Pete’s facial expressions and physical humor, that if, at this point, you’re convinced that you love Pete Holmes, the video downloads are really worth it. Plus you then have them to force your friends to watch when they tell you they don’t really know who he is.

http://peteholmes.com/

And yes, of course Pete has a website that has all the things I just laid out for you in one helpful spot should you for any reason forget the link to this post. It’s not quite as fun without my sparkling curatorial commentary, but it really gets the job done with extra and updated info for tour dates and new guests on the show.

That wraps up the EncyloPETEia. I really hope you put it to good use, namely making yourself a happier person. I’m genuinely thankful that Pete Holmes is a comedian and that it is 2013 where I have 100% FREE access to so much of his comedy. My final hope is that you will join me tonight, and every weeknight hence, glued to your TV after Conan watching THE PETE HOLMES SHOW flourish and succeed and become a much beloved late night show. Pete is the late night host we deserve, not the one we think we need.

The Bachelor - Finale Recap

Oh. My. Goodness. Here we are. We are here. We have made it. Mere minutes stand between us and knowing who Sean picks to be his wife.

I hope you all at home had your game rules handy because man are we going to need to imbibe to get through this one. We've got family; we've got elephants; we've got tiny river barges; we've got laughter; we've got tears; we've got too much of Sean's tongue; we've got dramaaaaa!

Who's ready? I am!

Chris Harrison welcomes us to the live studio where alongside an audience, we’ll all be tuning into the finale together. He calls it “a historic three-hour finale”, and would we classify this event as historic?

Like a little Teasey McTeaserson Chrarrison informs us that he has late breaking Bachelor news about Sean and his “quest for love that very well could provide one of the most beautiful moments in Bachelor history.” WHAT IS IT, CHRARRISON?! WHAT COULD IT BE!? IS IT A BABY? DID THEY ELOPE? ARE HE AND EMILY BACK TOGETHER? WHAT? WHAT COULD IT BE?

With no further adieu, we jump right into the heart of Thailand and Sean’s quest for everlasting love. Just like Montana, Canada, St. Croix, other places in Thailand, and anywhere he went on Emily’s season, THIS part of Thailand is the most beautiful place Sean has ever seen. Sean has now seen a lot of places, each more superlative than the last most beautiful place he has ever seen.

His family arrives. I forgot that his adorable niece is named Kensington which means she’s going to be horrible when she’s about thirteen. The rest of his very, very, very, very white family arrives. Most importantly his cartoonishly precious dad is there in his glasses and tucked-in polo shirt.

His nephew Smith astutely points out to Sean that “Emily didn’t pick you.” And Sean goes, “No, Emily didn’t pick me. That’s hilarious.” And in that moment Smith learned about “too soon.”

HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW IS A MAJOR BEEF CAKE. Who is this guy?! Show him more! He looks like a sexy Jason Street from Friday Night Lights.

Sean’s mother is skeptical like any reasonable, rational, grounded-in-reality type of mother would be.

Catherine arrives in one of Thailand’s signature monsoons. She, like a reasonable, rational person is nervous to meet her potential future in-laws. Sean’s dad Jay jumps right into some light questions. Jay asks if Catherine played any sports in high school. Jay is so precocious that he is allowed to ask inane and bizarre questions like that. He adores Catherine’s answer that she played football in sixth grade and is besotted with her.

It has got to be six million degrees and 1000% humidity in Thailand, and they are eating on the lanai. Everybody is visibly sweating.

In her sit-down talk with his mother, she is very calm, cool, and collected. It seems like an actual piece of a normal conversation one might have with a future mother-in-law. Catherine talks about Sean like he’s a real person she’s in love with, and not a prince charming who is flawless and full of perfection. I like her so much. His mom wraps it up by calling her a “lovely lady.”

Now it’s time for the Jay Lowe Show! On a gazebo on a pond, Jay has a talk with Catherine about how she believes in the “Bachelor Process” (drink!). Jay smiles and nods along like an enthusiastic baby bird. “I know that we are going to have hardships, but you fight for [love]. And I’m a fighter,” she tells him.

Then he replies with this: “When Shay married Andrew, he became my best friend, and I love him. Ok? And so if it’s you that Sean ends up marrying, you will never have a bigger fan than me. And that’s the truth. I’ll love you like my daughter, and there’s gonna be no holding that back. I’m gonna support you.”

Catherine and I tear up. Those are some lovely, lovely words. A father’s love, man! A father’s love! We all know how challenging her relationship with her father is! What better words could he have said? None! There were none better words than those! Jay Lowe, I love you. You deserve your own show.

You guys if I had known how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be this episode, I would have included it in the game rules. But I don’t think any of us could’ve anticipated just how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be.

Lindsay’s chariot pulls up next, and she squeaks out of the van and into the living room of Sean’s waiting family. Linds is OMG so nervous. They talk about feeding monkeys on the beach again just to enrage me. “Oh my God,” Lindsay squeals, “That was like the coolest thing ever.” Everyone has some good giggles.

Jay and Shay (oh no I just noticed that- why rhyming names?) bring up Lindsay’s grand entrance in her wedding dress after too much champagne. Everyone laughs but still gets to gently rib her.

Lindsay sits down first with Jay to have their talk. When he asks the same question he asked Catherine “how do you know when you’re in love for life before you get married?” Lindsay’s response is…lacking, shall we say. She is practically yelling, “I just know! I want to hang out with him! I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life! He just gets me! He is so supportive! He makes me feel beautiful! He’s everything that I’ve been looking for and more!” As true as all of those statements might be, they are just statements. They are just a bunch of true facts about how much Lindsey likes Sean that have nothing to do with being sure about the longevity of the love you share.

Jay tries to get things back on track by asking about how to solve conflicts in marriage, and Lindsay gives a fine, Miss America type answer about compromise and meeting in the middle. He also tells her that they prayed every day of Sean’s life for Sean’s wife, and he says that he’d be happy if his wife turns out to be Lindsey. This is still sweet, but not quite as amazing as what he told Catherine.

She wraps up the talk by asking for Sean’s hand in marriage and BOY do they have a good chuckle over that joke! HOOwee that was a doozy!

Now it’s mom’s turn. They talk about standard things like wanting the same things out of life and being able to talk to each other about everything. Lindsey tears up and gets emotional because she can’t believe this “journey” (drink!) lead her to this place.

They all bid her farewell after Jay makes a joke about them putting the two women to a vote. It’s awkward. Jay is also wearing a neon pink t-shirt under his blue linen button-up.

Sean talks it out with the family. Obviously they are very diplomatic about loving both women and saying the nicest things about both Catherine and Lindsey.

Sean’s smoking’ hot brother-in-law struggles to form a sentence but he’s so hot. He manages to laugh out, “You’ve. Got. Forty-eight hours for a tough. Decision. My friend.” Good for you Andrew.

His mommy finally gets her chance to speak her piece about how nervous and worried she is about Sean proposing to one of these women simply out of pressure, and not out of absolute clarity about who he wants to marry. She is skeptical and firm like a mother. Eventually, she begins to cry. All of the sudden it’s a weird, raw moment. Whenever real emotions are captured on this show, I feel uncomfortable like I shouldn’t be watching it. Sean and his mom take a walk around the pond to get the camera out of her face. “I just want this to end as a good experience for you…you know it doesn’t have to be either one of them. If you can’t decide, maybe that’s your decision.” Wise words.

Baaahahaha for his final date with Lindsay, Sean dons the ugliest turquoise tank top that is way too low-cut for a man. I know it’s boiling degrees outside, but no climate necessitates a tank-top like that. Lindsey’s hair is holding up in that humidity super well though.

They take a raft down the Mekong River that borders both Myanmar and Thailand. “I am so excited to be on this raft with Sean,” Lindsay beams. What a thing to be excited about. All I can think the whole time is how uncomfortable the men paddling and steering the raft must feel watching these two cuddle bugs.

Later on, they talk about their lives a long ways down the road. In an inspired romantic moment Sean declares, “I picture you as a hot old chick.” My heart melts at this declaration.

“After tomorrow there’s only two options for me. I could leave with everything I’ve ever wanted and more, or I could leave with absolutely nothing,” Lindsey tells us before the final dinner portion of their date. That is true. Those are your options. I’m glad you’re realizing that this is a high stakes situation.

They kiss and smack a lot. They tell each other why they like/love each other. Then she busts out a few paper lanterns with wishes like “family” and “happiness” written on them. They light the lanterns and set them off into the sky to eventually start a jungle fire. Just kidding, your wishes will all come true, little angels!

From the pile of infinite v-neck t-shirts wardrobe has provided, Sean selects a purple tee to perfectly match the cute purple top Catherine wears to their final date. They are going to take an elephant ride. This is the coolest thing imaginable and about ten bazillion times cooler than a raft ride on the Mekong River. It is an ELEPHANT for Pete’s sake! Catherine understands how exciting this is. She is a giddy little girl to be going on an elephant ride and rightly so. It’s an ELEPHANT.

They both put on some friggin’ sweet elephant riding pants and climb on board. Catherine gets to direct Bo the elephant, and it is amazing. Sean can’t believe he’s doing another thing he’s only seen in the movies. The movie to which he is obviously referring is the timeless Danny Glover vehicle, “Operation Dumbo Drop”.

Catherine and Sean talk about how fun thinking about their future is but how scary it is too. She wants to imagine the future of engagement parties and joy filled days but doesn’t want to get her hopes up only to be let down. She has a vein of reality flowing through this experience and her emotions.

Because this is the last night they will spend together before the “historic” (LOL) finale, Catherine feels the pressure of the situation to really lay her heart out on the line. She wants to make sure she tells Sean absolutely everything she’s feeling towards him so that she won’t look back and regret for not being open enough.

So to that end, Catherine tells him many things about how much she loves him and how they want the same things like family and a future where things will only get better.

“I just feel, so, a lot,” she says.

“I picture our lives together a lot. I know who you are, and that’s why you’re here,” he responds.

Which are fully fledged sentences and thoughts that two sentient beings can have, right? Totally.

As the two say good-bye for what might be the final time, we silently watch them cling to each other. Catherine tells him she loves him. He puts his big old mitt right on her butt.

She knows he can’t say anything back but is tortured by the fact that she is so far out on a limb! After they walk away the first time, Catherine runs back to say good-bye one more time and sheds a few tears.

“I can’t get anything out of him! Just say something, please!” she begs to the gods. More tears fall as she curls up on her bed in a ball. “I can’t predict what’s gonna happen, and I don’t want to be by myself again.” Again, seeing her crying in the fetal position because she truly doesn’t know if the man she loves loves her back is a rare real moment in the show which makes me uncomfortable.

We pop back in with Chrarrison and the studio audience to check how we are all feeling. We are feeling like we want to just see the rest of the episode, Chris! But fine! Make us talk to these to random audience members who aren’t even funny or wise!

When asked who he will pick Lady in Mint Green says, “My gut says Lindsey, but it could be Catherine!” Which is true! He could pick either Lindsey OR Catherine. Very good point. Lady in Leopard Print says, “It could go either way!” Wow! What a worthwhile assessment from two random female humans!

The final shirtless-shots of Sean stream towards us as Sean gets ready for his final day as the Bachelor. He feels that he could have successful relationships with either woman, but says, “I just woke up this morning and knew there was a woman I couldn’t stand to live without.” So his mind is made up.

“Hey Neil Lane!” Sean casually exclaims when he opens his villa door to find the famed and leather-skinned jeweler at his threshold. He picks out my favorite ring of the ones Neil has brought to Thailand. It’s a treasure.

Lindsey is wearing what could be a beautiful silver halter dress. It’s very, very shiny but does not very much flatter her small chest. Catherine is wearing a column of gold fabric that’s draped across one shoulder. It flatters her figure a bit more, but I’m not wild about either dress.

Lindsey cries because she’s overwhelmed by how perfect this all is and can’t wait to start their lives together. Catherine cries because she knows she loves Sean so much but isn’t sure what the outcome will be. And that, right there, is why I like Catherine better than Lindsey.

Chrarrison makes us talk to Lesley, Sarah, AshLee, and Jackie (?????) before we get to the good stuff. They have nothing important whatsoever to share.

AWWW, YEAH! It’s time! The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Sean walks out to stand on the alter to love they have built upon a sweet a** rice paddy, just like every girl’s dream. Sean is dreading breaking a woman’s heart with no real reason to give. He is already very emotional.

Lindsey walks out of the SUV. “Today is the best day of my life. Today is the day I’m gonna get engaged,” she tells us. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Look, I might not be her biggest fan, but I do not wish this heartbreak and humiliation on her! I’m also super surprised that I’ve been wrong two seasons in a row.

Sean starts off by telling her she looks beautiful. Then he launches into a speech about how he never saw their relationship coming and how every time he’s with her he’s amazed by her. Lindsey gets tears in her eyes because SHE THINKS SHE’S GETTING ENGAGED. She thinks this is it! It’s not! The “but” is coming! The “but” will come.

The “but” comes. “Lindsey this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do,” he heavily breathes, “I want so bad to give you my heart, but my heart’s leading me somewhere else.” Watching her face fall as she realizes it isn’t her is really cool. NOT. She lets go of his hands right away.

Remember when they asked Michael Scott on the Office if he’d ever gone hunting? And he responds that he shot a deer in the leg then had to kill it with a shovel? This is exactly like that. Sean won’t shut up. He keeps trying to give her reasons and talk more and more instead of just letting her go.

“Was it me?” she squeaks out. No! It wasn’t you, you beautiful creature! He assures her it wasn’t.

“So, I’m gonna go. ‘Cuz this is my nightmare…I’m happy for you. I’m happy you found love, but I honestly can’t imagine my life without you. That’s something I’m going to have to figure out.”

Then she takes off her stilettos, and walks away. I have never respected her more. I literally give her a round of applause to the TV. But oh no no! Sean can’t effing let it go! He has to let her know one more time how hard this is for HIM. He is crying (which is fair) but it is NOT her job to make him feel better about shattering her world!

Sean sad. Lindsey sad. Everybody sad.

Chrarrison walks up to Sean to console him for a half-second before handing him the infamous letter! The dramatic music starts just as we cut to the studio audience! They are stunned and crazed to find out what in the name of helicopter rides is in that letter!

We come back from the break to find Sean pouring over this letter. I’m sure it’s very difficult for him to read printed text, so we get a voice-over of the contents of the letter.

Guess what guys. Guess what the letter is. It’s just a beautiful letter from Catherine to Sean telling him how she knows she loves him. She knows they can grow old together. It’s so lovely. It’s not overly romantic or wordy. Catherine just says “You have my heart, always” and isn’t that all any of us is looking for? Oh, no. The part of the show where I believe in true love is happening.

The walk from the car to the Rice Paddy of Love is agonizing because somehow wardrobe and production design didn’t discuss that there would be a rickety old plank bridge and a long gravel path in the middle of a jungle to cross in stilettos.

As Sean starts telling Catherine that he wants to spend the rest of his life telling her how beautiful and special she is, Catherine gets a touch of the crazy eyes. I think she’s trying not to cry but she is staring and blinking at him like a bushbaby.

When he goes to get down on one knee she practically seizes. When he asks the final question she replies in a whisper, “Yes! Huhhh!”. She is peeing her pants. I love this about that little weirdo.

They are ecstatic together. She feels so lucky. He feels so lucky. It’s the best day of both of their lives! They get to ride off into the sunset on ANOTHER ELEPHANT. IT’S ANOTHER ELEPHANT YOU GUYS. IT IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

“How cool is this? A proposal on a rice farm!” she coos as they ride off. Yeah, girl, pretty cool.

I will not be recapping the “After the Final Rose” special because it mostly is a recap itself, but I will share some highlights.

Number one is that they trot Lindsey out for a little heart to heart on live television where she keeps asking why and what she did wrong. It is painful and raw, and I hate every minute of it.

They trot Catherine out and they are adorable. She is shy because it’s live television, but it’s obvious they are still very much in love.

Finally, the big announcement that Chris Harrison kept referring to like it was the smoke rising from the Papal chimney, is that Sean and Catherine would like to get married on ABC to share with the whole Bachelor nation! And soon! How nice and frugal of them. And also that is not exactly life altering news, CHRARRISON. I care, but like, not that much.

In just two short months I’ll see you all right back here on Wednesday’s for recaps of the next season of the Bachelorette starring Desiree! I’m so excited and not surprised but still so excited to watch that girl find love! Keep straight on the journey till then, y’all. That’s all she wrote.

PS – THERE WAS NO FINALE MONTAGE SET TO THE SEMINAL HIT “GLORY OF LOVE” BY THE ONE AND ONLY PETER CETERA. I’M ENRAGED. HERE’S A LINK TO THE VIDEO SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE SONG AND JUST IMAGINE WHAT THE PRODUCERS FAILED TO DELIVER.

Tribute Time: Best of Game of Thrones Finale

The Top 5 Best Parts of Sunday's Game of Thrones Season 2 Finale

5) The Westerosi Wedding Vows - "I am his, and he is mine, from this day, until the end of my days" Dayum, Robb Stark, you always look razor fine in that fur cape, even when marrying a girl with a honker nose and breaking a pretty important vow/treaty. Except, duh, Robb would not be saying his vows to the Seven, but rather his father's Old Gods of the North.

                    4) Theon's Speech and Subsequent Concussion - We have all been wanting all season for Theon to get a serious blow to the brains, and we finally got one! It did, however, come from one of his own men after he gave, truly, a "good speech". What is dead, may never die, Theon, but what is douchey may always be bitch slapped. FOR WINTERFELL!

                           3) Tyrion Lannister - Can we just give Peter Dinklage all the awards for acting we have? Let's just give him all of them forever and ever amen. I mean that scene with Shae, COME ON! He is a Lannister who makes me feel feelings OTHER than rage and disgust!!! PS - Yay, Podrick Payne!

                     2) Jaqen H'ghar - Sexual Bad Ass and Faceless Man. Is valar morghulis Braavosi for, "let's make out"? I hope so, Jaqen, but can it be with your old face and red hair, not the new guy?

                  1) Dracarys - Daenerys Targaryen once again shutting it down with her dragons and fire and magic and righteous punishments for treasonous jerks and all around amazingness and perfectly flawless hair. You are blood of my blood, Khaleesi.

            Honorable Mention: The Others' Arrival; Brienne Serves Lady Catelyn; Joffrey Baratheon Hitting on Margaery Tyrell; Sansa's Wee Smile after Getting Dumped in the Throne Room

                           You doin' alright, Joff? Oh what, that? Yeah, no, that's how they always dress in Highgarden. Oh? It's...no, it's okay, your grace, it happens to every man.