Over-by-the-fishtank - Nice To Meet You All We’er Mountain

to those of y'all who want the feeling of sh but don't want the blood or the scars or smth:

one: take a paper mask and take out that bendy metal thing out of the top, you can hurt yourself with it but it doesn't really leave marks. it's hard to even make yourself bleed (but it is possible) but it gets that feeling of hurting yourself. it doesn't really hurt that much but it's better than nothing when you're about to break, but please use a clean mask.

two: cut your nails too short. people don't really question it and it hurts for multiple days, but be careful. your nails are dirty so wash your hands regularly.

three: scratch yourself. literally just nails against skin- BUT BE CAREFUL!!! its very easy to get carried away with scratching and if you go too far it'll just be the same as using a blade but less sanitary. your nails are dirty.

four: intentionally nick yourself while shaving. pretty self explanatory, just don't do it on your youknowwhat that shit hurts way too much and there is lots of bacteria there only do it on your legs and arms or idk chest?

five: pour wax on yourself. it's not that dangerous as long as you're careful and is a kink for some so idk you could say it's for that ig. be careful youre messing with fire.

six: wear slightly too small clothes (specifically underwear). it hurts and you shouldn't do it for a long period of time or a lot but if you wanna be in pain while going shopping or smth it'll definitely hurt.

i dont encourage s3lf h4rm and i encourage recovery, but if youre going to sh please do it safely and take care of your cvts!

pls tell me if the info here is wrong or a bad recommendation or anything ill try and fix it

Definition of Polyfragmented (in DID)

Dictionary definition: Poly = A prefix meaning “many, Fragmented = adjective. reduced to fragments. existing or functioning as though broken into separate parts; disorganized; disunified

Polyfragmentation is unusual in that there is no actual definition for the term. There are many definitions out there, but no definition is agreed upon by a majority either within academic realms or socially.

We see this sometimes with other DID/OSDD terms such as “integration” being used to mean two (almost opposite) things.

With polyfragmentation there are many different definitions, with some focusing on number of parts, some on internal system structure, etc. But even those who insist that the definition revolves around numerical value (the number of alters/parts), there is no accepted and agreed upon number. And so, we will look at the possible definitions, socially vs scientifically/medically.

Keep reading

What counts as TBMC? Ex-Pentecostal wanting to know because I never really see clear and concise definitions on these things and trying to research RAMCOA gives me a lot of dodgy right wing rhetoric which I don't want to keep having to comb through for my own sanity.

TBMC is known by as two things. One: trauma based mind control. Two: torture based mind control.

Most survivors we've also ran into prefer the former because it tends to include things that are less extreme and not everyone feels their trauma went far enough to be considered torture. It's also unfortunately true that a lotta alt-righters tend to get into mind control in a more co-opting nature, which is ironic given the group that did that to us was alt-right. Honestly we find the TB to be unnecessary given mind control is always traumatic and is inherently horrific.

What counts as TBMC?

TBMC is something done primarily through abusive means to induce a dissociative state, in which one becomes more suggestible. This can be done in order to intentionally create parts/alters (when done starting on someone as a child in rare cases) or just to make someone behave the way you want them to. This is why sometimes people who are abducted by other countries as agents betray their old group and join in with their abusers. (For an extreme example). Other ways the dissociative state is achieved is through putting people into forms of trances. This can be done with meditation or mantras, forced hypnotization, and at times substances.

We've got a good mixture of both mind control and conditioning. The conditioning is done more via Pavlov's Dogs type experiences and "training" and is less tied to TBMC and typically easier to train out of. Mind control- especially in those raised with it- is driven into a part of their personality. It becomes an essential piece of the whole identity and it is not something that can be taken away without proper aid and therapy. You cannot deprogram yourself from mind control the way you can "uncondition" yourself, so to speak.

Anything that was driven into you while in a dissociative state (thus highly suggestible) or being actively traumatized that is ideological, personal, an act, behaviors, etc. is typically a form of mind control. A very common example of this is being made to be fully and completely dependent upon your leader/an authority figure. This may result in what is reminiscent of worship of the individual and in some cases leaves the victims incapable of making decisions. To this day we have to ask friends in desperation what food we should eat because the idea of deciding for ourselves is far too difficult. We roll dice connected to numbers to mark our decisions in hopes of having a way to make a choice. (And again, this is but one example.)

Some of the information we have garnered on the subject comes from a variety of sources more heavily focused upon cults as that was what we grew up in and with. We have dug deep into the information on what makes a cult a cult and what signs of specific types of cultic programming we exhibit. Even then programming can be hard to categorize and know what is meant by because it's so personal and specific in its application. I am uncertain if we are of much help- but I will say we personally see no harm in if you find spaces appropriate for it, asking if specific things you expect may be programming or signs of TBMC are able to be labeled as such. That's what we had to do to accept we were a RAMCOA survivor as we originally had less memories of the cult until given the name by our parents (to be clear we did this only because we were already in therapy and part of our recovery and work is being done in order to come out against the group and the leader, and have full legal protections as a whistle blower)

System Internet Safety (Resource Post)

System Internet Safety

System Internet Safety

A Quick & Dissociated Guide To: System Internet Safety

Be Careful What You Share About Your System

How To Keep Yourself Safe From Fear Mongering & Misinformation

How Social Media Can Distort & Misinform when Communicating Science

Understanding & Avoiding Armchair Psychology

Understanding & Protecting Yourself From Syscourse

System Responsibility

Tips From a Tumblr Vet (10+ Years on this Hellsite)

Tips for Kids Online

Social Media Tips for Teens

Online Abuse Resources

The Online Harassment Manual

Speak up & Stay Safe®: A Guide to Protecting Yourself From Online Harassment

How Doxers Find Your Info & How To Protect Yourself

How To Stay Safe From Doxxing With A VPN

Tip Sheet: Keeping Adults & Kids Safe on the Internet (TW: csa)

Behaviors To Watch Out For When An Adult Is With A Child (TW: csa)

How To Asses How Toxic A Group is

Warning Signs That a System is Toxic

System-related Abuse

Reporting Online Abuse

Reporting Cyberbullying

Reporting Online Child Exploitation

Endos / endogenics and why they aren't valid :

We've made posts on this before but we decided it might be good to make one big post to link to for when / if anyone asks again. We tried to cover everything we could in this post but we'll likely be making other posts similar to this later on.

So what are endos? Endos or endogenics are people who claim to have DID/OSDD without trauma or claim to have alters / be a system without having DID/OSDD.

Why is this bad? This is misinformation because as far as science knows DID/OSDD is a trauma based disorder (specifically caused by trauma in early childhood, which is speculated to be 1-9 / 1-12 years old) and your brain would not split / create alters without reason. You cannot have alters without having a disorder, this is common sense as it's not normal to have alters. To add onto this endos also take over our communities and steal our terms. (We'll make a post with further information on that in the future).

There is also a carrd that explains why endos are bad and debunks a few myths if anyone is interested in it! If not continue reading

Why can't you have DID/OSDD or alters without trauma? As far as science knows DID/OSDD is a trauma disorder and in order to have alters in the first place you require dissociation, which is also a trauma response. Here are tons of medically reviewed sources that say this:

“ They suggest that DID is caused by experiencing severe trauma over a long time in childhood. By experiencing trauma in childhood, you take on different identities and behaviours to protect yourself. As you grow up these behaviours become more fully formed until it looks like you have different identities ” — rethink.org

“ Dissociative identity disorder (DID), previously known as multiple personality disorder, is a complex psychological condition caused by many things. These include severe trauma during early childhood (usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, or emotional abuse). It's also known as split personality disorder. ” — webMD

“ DID is usually associated with adverse experiences in someone’s past and traumatic memories. ” & “ Dissociation — a major part of DID — is a defense mechanism the body uses to reduce your awareness during overwhelming trauma ” — pysch central

“ DID is associated with long-term exposure to trauma, often chronic traumatic experiences during early childhood. ” & “ Dissociation—or disconnection from one’s sense of self or environment—can be a response to trauma. It can happen during a single-incident, traumatic event (e.g., an assault, a natural disaster, or a motor vehicle accident), or during ongoing trauma (e.g., wartime; chronic childhood abuse). ” — mcleanhospital.org

“ Dissociative disorders often develop as a way to deal with a catastrophic event or with long-term stress, abuse or trauma. This is particularly true if such events take place early in childhood. At this time of life, there are limitations to your ability to fully understand what’s happening. In addition, your coping mechanisms aren’t fully developed and getting support and resources depends on the presence of caring and knowledgeable adults. ” — my.clevelandclinic.org

“ There are many possible causes of dissociative disorders, including previous traumatic experience. ” & “ Switching off from reality is a normal defence mechanism that helps the person cope during a traumatic time. ” — nhs.uk

“ Dissociative identity disorder is the result of a natural way of coping with childhood trauma. Our page on the causes of dissociative disorders has more information. ” & “ Dissociation is a natural response to trauma while it's happening. But some of us may still experience dissociation long after the traumatic event has finished. Past experiences of dissociation during traumatic events may mean that you haven't processed these experiences fully. ” — mind.org (two links since they're two different pages)

“ Dissociative disorders usually start as a way to cope with shocking, distressing or painful events. The disorders most often form in children who go through long-term physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Less often, the disorders form in children who've lived in a home where they went through frightening times or they never knew what to expect. The stress of war or natural disasters also can bring on dissociative disorders. When you go through an event that's too much to handle emotionally, you may feel like you're stepping outside of yourself and seeing the event as if it's happening to another person. Mentally escaping in this way may help you get through a shocking, distressing or painful time. ” — mayoclinic.org

Most of these sources are pretty recent too, with the most recent one being made in September 2023 (webMD)

What about religious beliefs / tuplamacy? First people are not required to believe or participate in your religious beliefs (and religious beliefs are not exempt from criticism) and second tuplamacy is a closed Buddhist practice that has nothing to do with being a system and should not be compared to being a system nor should it be included / involved in system communities. Note that the DSM-V also says that in order to have DID; "The disturbance is not a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice." <- this does not mean it's possible to have alters due to a religious thing, if anything it says they cannot be counted as alters / as a system.

To add on, no you cannot pray to be a system or transition into being a system. If you were to pray and one day magically become a system you are either in denial or you've convinced yourself you're something you're not. Believing you can be a system without trauma or that you can become a system by praying is like believing you can get autism from vaccines or drinking too much dairy milk, that's just not how it works.

What about mixed origin systems? Mixed origin systems are not a thing. DID/OSDD forms purely from trauma, you can't form from a mix of trauma and not trauma, that's not how it works. If you identify as mixed origin you are likely in denial and really need to come to terms with the fact that you are either traumatized or you're not a system at all.

What about other kinds of origins? Other origins like "willowgenic" and all that bullshit? Yeah no, same thing as endos, not possible. Look above for all the proof you need, DID/OSDD is only caused by trauma. Traumagenic is the only valid origin.

But I gave myself DID! / But I created my own alters! No you didn't. That isn't possible, you cannot turn yourself into a DID/OSDD system and creating alters is a coping mechanism, not something you do for fun, sources on this;

“ DID Isn't Something You Can Give Yourself on Purpose. Having DID was not a conscious decision those of us with the disorder made when we were children. Dissociative identity disorder is not a selective disorder, meaning you cannot decide that you want to develop this brilliant coping mechanism and then you have it. ” — healthyplace

“ In any case, additional alters are usually the result of extreme stress. The mind does not like to be fractured even when an individual already has DID or OSDD-1. Many individuals cannot split unless a split is strictly necessary for their protection, functioning, or ability to remain hidden as a system. That said, there are exceptions. Some individuals may become so used to using splitting as a coping mechanism that they may split easily in response to seemingly minor stressors. ” — didresearch.org

Isn't being a system like the same as being trans or being LGBTQ? No, many endos compared the two but they are completely different. Being LGBTQ is an identity, it's something you are born as. Being a system is a debilitating disorder caused by severe trauma, it is counted as a disability which is;

“ 'A person has a disability if: They have a physical or mental impairment, and the impairment has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on the person's ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities.' ” — gmc.org

The reason DID would be counted as a disability is that;

“ Having a dissociative disorder can affect your ability to keep a full-time job, especially one with work stresses, which can worsen your symptoms. ” — disabilitysecrets

And the DSM-V criteria literally says;

“ The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning ” — traumadissociation

But the DSM-V says that trauma isn't required! No, the DSM-V actually says CSA isn't required, there are other forms of trauma that don't involve CSA or child abuse. To act as if it saying that the trauma isn't always CSA or child abuse means that it doesn't require trauma at all is extremely invalidating to those who are traumatized in ways that don't involve child abuse or CSA.

But this source claims endos exist / DID doesn't require trauma! Most of those sources are extremely old and / or made by endos (or pro endos) themselves. (We'll make a more in-depth post on this topic some other time, but for now this is all we have to say on it)

But we don't know everything about the human brain! You're right, we don't. The brain is mysterious, but we do know enough to know that it doesn't do these kinds of things for no reason. We know the brain reacts to trauma and we know what the difference between a normal brain and a disordered brain is. Just because we don't know everything doesn't give people an excuse to jump to conclusions and spread misinformation. It is better to stick to what science currently knows which is the theory of structural dissociation, which is the current theory about how DID/OSDD forms, and so far no one has been able to disprove it. And before someone says it, no it is not only a theory, it is a scientific theory which is;

“ A theory is a well-substantiated explanation of an aspect of the natural world that can incorporate laws, hypotheses and facts. The theory of gravitation, for instance, explains why apples fall from trees and astronauts float in space. Similarly, the theory of evolution explains why so many plants and animals—some very similar and some very different—exist on Earth now and in the past, as revealed by the fossil record. ” — amnh.org

And to add on;

“ Scientists develop theories to explain the natural world and to advance scientific knowledge. A theory is the highest level of explanation in science. Some features of scientific theories are that they: have been thoroughly tested over an extended period, provide accurate explanations and, predictions for a wide range of phenomena, are widely accepted by the scientific community, demonstrate strong experimental and observational support ” — study.com

Thank you for running this blog. I was held in troubled teen industry facilities for all of my teenagerhood, and am severely traumatized as a result, and it's been extremely hard to find words to describe what I went through to other systems or to trauma therapists.

It feels "too much", like there's no way this could all have happened to me, and I've been accused of lying about the organized abuse that went on there. Sometimes it feels almost like i AM lying, though I know I'm not.

Although feeling like I have "too much" trauma is something that I have to continue working on personally, I want to say thank you for pointing me in the direction of a framework that I can research and use that fits me more than any other one I've seen before.

I wish that none of us went through the horrors we went through, but I'm glad that there's a community out there and people talking about the things that have affected me. Thank you again for what you do running this blog.

Before anything else — thank you. This is an incredibly kind message and I'm really glad that you could find solace in this blog. I aim to provide resources that may not be (physically or emotionally) acessible otherwise, and highlight lesser-discussed aspects of RAMCOA.

The troubled teen industry is definitely part of the wider picture of organized abuse, and I wish it was put in that context more. Unfortunately, most discussions of RAMCOA focus on early childhood manifestations, and situations primarily focused on adolescents, adults, seniors aren't as referenced. Basically, the older the victim, the less likely it is to be included in definitions of RAMCOA; which is a shame, because those perspectives are crucial. Abusive care homes & inpatient facilities, prisons, and yes, troubled teen facilities are all forms of organized abuse in my mind, but the strong correlation with pedophile rings and cults has... Alienated? Many people from describing their experiences as OA.

I totally understand the feeling of having "too much trauma", and I feel like many survivors in general, not just ones of RAMCOA, can relate to that sentiment. "It's just too unlikely for all these things to have happened," I'll say to myself, "I must be exaggerating." Something that's helped me is the idea that some predators can smell blood in the water, and if all you know is hardship, it's hard to break out of hardship. Experiencing layers of trauma isn't... Rare, and you're not lying about it.

Once again, thank you. If you need any resources specific to the troubled teen industry, let me know. There's not a ton of research on it in the context of RAMCOA like I said, but I'm sure I'll find something of use.

Wishing you a gentle and fulfilling recovery. Aisling

Types of Timeloss

This is based completely on personal anecdote. Hope this is helpful for someone.

Soft time loss: There are a lot of different forms of soft time loss. Zoning out and feeling numb/dissociated is one of the most clear signs that you are being influenced by an alter or that one is co-present. If you can only remember the gist of what is happening in your life, you are losing a lot of time actually.

It can be helpful to remind yourself of what you’re doing day by day and month by month. As you close your day, keep a journal and remind yourself of what happened. At the end of the month, try to remember what happened, then re-read your daily journal. At first, the separation between alters may make this feel weird. There is often a lot of dissonance for multiples when they try to look at and remember the activities of other alters - a reflexive feeling of shame, fear, disgust. If you push through it, it’s so worth it because it begins the process of integrating past those barriers. I found that unless I reminded myself of what was happening, within a month things would fall away from me.

Some people experience a form of time loss where they will remember things better if the alter responsible for those events is co-present, and will find they have an inconsistent memory where sometimes they remember another alter’s activities, and other times they do not. It’s not uncommon for someone to initially remember what happened but for this knowledge to then become compartmentalized to the identities responsible for it over the course of a few days or weeks, leaving things that seemed clear initially in the dark.

Hard time loss: A sudden jump in time. This may be severe enough to be noticed by the main active parts of the personality. This is often caused by active trauma. A lot of people, especially multiples who are no longer being abused and traumatized, don’t have a lot of episodes of this. A certain degree of integration happens when safety is attained that makes it less likely. Instead, people who are safe will often experience co-consciousness or when they switch, they retain awareness of their actions.

Sleep-induced time loss: Alternate identities can switch in during sleep, although not everyone has this form of switching. I’ve noticed people with this type of switching generally have a comorbid sleep disorder like narcolepsy. This is usually caused by alters trying to hide their activities from another alter. If someone is abused in an organized ring as a child, they may have been trained (by doing things like associating different alters to different phases of sleep) to automatically switch during certain states of mind. People who have sleep induced time loss can sometimes end up trapped in their internal world as a lucid dream. This may not be noticed for a very long time by the person because they think their dreams are normal dreams - but actually, while they are dreaming, they may be active in another identity, making this not a true dream but rather is indicative of being stuck in the internal world while another identity is fronting. People who learn lucid dreaming can learn to cross the barrier between this type of extreme switching by forcing themselves to wake up while another identity is active (I did this once and woke up in the middle of a programming session.) It can be difficult to tell if you are dreaming or stuck in the internal world and it may be a while before you can catch yourself. I once caught one of my alters trying to go on an online date when I accidentally woke myself up during what I thought was a lucid dream in my internal world.

Co-consciousness amnesia: Some people have the problem where they will lose time when they are present because another alter who is actively observing/fronting will do something for a short amount of time, like say a few things to another person or take a few steps towards making breakfast, and the other identity will not notice they’ve done these things or will feel as though they have zoned out and will have a vague awareness of their actions.

Dissociative Psychosis: The apparently normal part(s) of the self are completely overwhelmed by emotional parts that are stuck in an active flashback. People with a lot of alters may end up in a cycle of flashbacks through different portions of their memory, and may spend most or all of the time in a flashback. These flashbacks can become severe enough to cause psychosis where the person can no longer tell people from the past and present apart. The person generally feels as though they are living in a fugue state. This is usually due to active trauma or a medication side effect causing rapid integration into a traumatic part of the memory. Dissociative psychoses can mimic manic episodes.

In one of his books, Kantor offers insight at other facets of AvPD that exist beyond the DSM criteria, that are often overlooked (and aren’t easily explained by other disorders).

On “classic” avoidants (Type I):

“(…) profile of pervasive shyness and fearful isolation. Within this class, variations of severity exist on a continuum. Some of these individuals live by themselves or with their family, either staying at home and not socializing at all, or socializing only with a few selected individuals, attempting to meet people but having difficulty connecting as they try, but fail, to form sustained and sustaining relationships. Others form relationships that are only partially avoidant: limited in degree or of reduced intensity such as bicoastal marriages; serial monogamous relationships; or relationships that are stably unstable, dysfunctional because being with unattainable partners makes the relationships unlikely to come to fruition, or if they do, sooner or later, they are destined to dissolve.”

A fear of flooding and losing control of various impulses due to overstimulation (…) disturbing inner peace (…)

A fear of failure, accompanied by a paradoxical (masochistic) fear of success (…)

Self-criticism due to self-condemnation by a harsh, unforgiving, shaming conscience, causing one to become guilty over legitimate desires and ordinary (but to the avoidant extraordinarily shameful), interpersonal foibles (…)

Relational idealism consisting of a disdain for relationships that appear to be imperfect, originating in excessive expectations of oneself and others (…)

Covalent characterological features, including histrionic (oedipal) rivalry that buries the potential for closeness, intimacy, and commitment under competitive struggles with others—as Gabbard notes, “entailing an aggressive demand for complete attention… associated with a wish to scare away or kill off all rivals… [with the competitiveness] interwoven with a sense of shame” obsessive fretting about the correctness and propriety of one’s interpersonal actions (…) paranoid suspiciousness about the negative things others are, or might be, thinking; depressive alarmism and pessimism that nothing will ever work out as hoped and planned for and the worrisome fear that if all is not already lost, it soon will be; excessive “don’t make waves” passivity, accompanied by a paradoxical fear of passivity and so a need to be on constant alert and continuously active to assure always being in complete control of everything about one’s relationships; extreme dependence possibly leading to a codependent relationship with one person to avoid having to relate to any and all others (…)

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Excessive Defensiveness

Avoidance is not a static, but an active, dynamic condition—what Millon and Davis call an “active detachment,” that is, one with important defensive components. Sullivan describes avoidance as a “somnolent detachment,” the protective dynamism “called out by inescapable and prolonged anxiety.” (…) What is avoided is an allusion either to a temptation for the warded-off drive or to a feared punishment or both.” Therefore some observers, emphasizing how the avoidant inhibits important aspects of living to reduce (social) anxiety, suggest that the term inhibited personality could substitute for the term avoidant personality disorder. Avoidant detachment is made up of the following defenses, among others:

Identification with the aggressor. Avoidants create expected losses actively to handle the possibility of experiencing unexpected losses passively, for example, “I fear your rejecting me” becomes “I reject you to avoid being rejected by you.”

Masochism. Self-sacrificing, self-abnegating, and self-punitive responses are an avoidant’s way to counter forbidden desire. Avoidants commit a kind of social suicide to punish themselves for what they consider to be their unacceptable instinctual urges. They suffer now to avoid suffering even more later.

Repression. Repression is the avoidant’s way to detoxify anxious thoughts and feelings by suppressing them, then acting as if they no longer exist (…)

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Associated Characterological Problems

Obsessionalism. Avoidants are worrisome individuals (…) often rigid, inflexible people who, stuck in routine, have difficulty adapting to unexpected life changes. Also, ambivalent about relationships, instead of settling in to a given relationship, they do and undo it: attempting to relate, becoming anxious, pulling back, then trying again either with the same person or with someone different, ad infinitum (…)

Paranoia. Avoidants are hypervigilant individuals who fear something bad can or will happen to them (…) They take impersonal matters far too personally and see rejections that are not there as a clear and present danger, or actual attack. A difficulty with basic trust leads them to become highly skeptical of everyone, convinced that no one will show them any goodwill whatsoever, and certain that either they will trust everyone and get burned, or trust no one and get dumped (…)

Depression. Avoidants tend to be depressed individuals with intense negative moods (…) They hold the pessimistic view that when it comes to relationships, there is no sense even trying since there is little chance of ever succeeding. Depressive cognitions prevail (…) so that they readily come to believe that any sign of disinterest in them constitutes a turndown, a turndown a rejection, and a rejection an epochal tragedy (…)

And “counterphobic” avoidants (Type II), who are avoidants who unlike the “typical” ones, manage to form connections, albeit in turbulent ways.

Type IIa avoidants can generally maintain superficial, short-lived, relationships with people and the subtype, “mingles”, jump from relationship to relationship unable to settle and not minding quality.

Type IIb avoidants, “seven-year itch”, can form proper bonds with others but for a limited time, because they burn out or become disinterested as time passes.

Type IIc avoidants, have severe codependency tendencies.

What Doesn’t Kill You Can Make You Weaker

Hi. This is a whisper reaching out to those of us who didn't become warriors after trauma & ab*se.

So Content Warning for insinuated ab*se/trauma, & here's something for you.

((It's okay to reblog this but please don't add on to it in post (adding on in the tags is okay).))

~Lyle & Nico

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“What Doesn’t Kill You Can Make You Weaker”

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“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

“What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter”

Survivor (Destiny’s Child), Fighter (Christina Aguilera), Warrior (Demi Lovato), Stronger (Kelly Clarkson), plenty of songs about someone who says their trauma made them stronger, a warrior, a fighter, a survivor play on our radios, in our stores, in our lives.

And while that’s admirable, it’s not the only option.

What doesn’t kill you can make you weaker.

Or, to be more accurate, what didn’t kill you makes you feel weaker and changes how you act.

Because what doesn’t kill you doesn’t MAKE you a fighter. YOU make you a fighter.

But the thing is, ‘the same water that hardens the egg, softens the potato’ (/paraphrase of an ancient proverb). Just because you’re put under pressure doesn’t guarantee you’ll “get a thick skin”, become a warrior able to handle trauma, whatever.

Some of us melt. Some of us become softer. Some of us weaken.

Some of us become sensitive to the most miniscule insult, the slightest harsh tone, someone setting the groceries down a little too hard, someone talking a little too loud, someone moving just a little too fast.

And that doesn’t make us bad people, or stupid, or “too sensitive”. Some people aren’t meant to be hard warriors. Some of us are lovers, not fighters.

We exist. I exist.

So here’s to those who got softer, those who got more sensitive, those who became hypervigilant, those who made themselves smaller, the fawn and freeze and flight/avoid and normalize responses, those who feel like they should be stronger, those who are too afraid to raise their voice and become a “warrior”, those who can’t stand up to their abusers.

Here’s to those of us who didn’t become warriors, fighters, or stronger. You are valid. I see you, I hear you, I feel with you, I hurt with you, I believe you.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not existing wrong. Our world celebrates the loud warriors, but you are just as important.

Survival is still rebellion, even if it’s silent rebellion.

On writing DID characters/stories

I asked a DID friend about writing DID coded characters and stories, because myself and another wanted to make sure our representation was respectful and empathetic. That said, neither story is intentionally depicting DID, but the coding is inevitably there.

Here is their response. This is from one system, and is not the end all be all on DID. My personal recommendation would be to have a sensitivity reader if you are intentionally writing DID, but if your story has DID/multiple personality tropes and not DID specifically, the following is for you.

Are these distinct personalities? Like separate and distinct as in do they identify as separate individuals? Do they communicate? Are there amnesia barriers? Do they have separate thoughts and memories and opinions? Dissociation and fugue states can occur in other conditions. DID is a fairly specific criteria. OSDD a and b are similar but have key differences. Some systems can be as small as two so that’s not really a factor although to be honest I don’t know systems like that.

But is this character going to be like explicitly stated to have DID? If not, then they don’t need to worry about getting terms right or being believable even, it can just be “DID coded” characters. Like The Crystal Gems from Steven Universe are very DID coded to me or the whole series is. I mean Stevonnie is what it’s like being blended co/con which happens often.

It’s not DID but it’s a lot like DID and looking at the fanfic that way may alleviate some pressure. If you just wanna make sure it’s not offensive or something somehow by accident you can check with a sensitivity reader. Jekyll and Hyde is also a well worn trope, so if it's only two personalities you don't need to fret about DID representation.

And it’s just my opinion but like I feel like we have autistic coded and queer coded characters. Coding vs overt spelling certain things out happens for a variety of reasons. I think for things as complex as a condition like DID, overt means you will spend a LOT more time focusing on and explaining the condition and how it affects the character’s life and relationships, whereas keeping it coded is helpful for avoiding all of that and just using their condition more functionally.

Making them have DID flat out means you can’t use it as a simple ploy device, Which is gonna over complicate your story and characters in this instance. But if you do it right then the demographic will still see representation and take it positively and those not in the know will just take it all at face value.

For example, the whole Venom thing is very plural coded but obviously that’s coded and different being it’s a parasite and it’s not trauma based. It works as an analogue and it makes you think about parallels. it’s entirely different when you make a character like Moon Knight or Crazy Jane from Doom Patrol, because then eventually you’re getting into their system functioning, their trauma history, and the actual disorder. Then how it debilitates them as well as empowers them all becomes a huge part of their story.

Again, I myself do not have DID and I am sharing what my DID friend wrote in response to my question. If you have DID, feel free to reblog and respond to agree or disagree or add to it.

I hope this is helpful to anyone writing DID or DID-coded characters.