Y-you Utilize Explosives. FOR ENTERTAINMENT? I Will Have To Report This To My Supervisor...

Filthy Habit

To add my voice to the humans are space orcs headcanon…

Nail-biting.

Considered a “filthy habit” by humans, it *horrifies* aliens who are all like OH MY GOD the human is EATING ITSELF ALIVE OMG OMG RUUUUUUN BEFORE IT EATS US NEXT!!!!

And when the crewmembers report this no one believes it at first but after a while the ship captain and CMO fearfully approach their human crewmember and catch her in the act.

CMO: Human Theresa… are the rations you are allocated insufficient for your needs?

Theresa: Um… no? I mean yes. I mean er… I eat enough yeah. Why? *chews cuticles absentmindedly*

CMO: *cringes in horror*

Captain: THEN WHY ARE YOU EATING YOURSELF!??!

Theresa: *blushes and takes hands out of mouth* I know, I know, it’s a filthy habit. I can’t stop though, I never even notice I’m doing it till someone points it out.

Captain: *horrified* You… you don’t NOTICE that you are self-cannibalizing. O.O

CMO: We have to put you on suicide watch. This attempt at self-destruction must be halted. Don’t worry, Human Theresa. We will help you. Thank the stars we caught this problem before you gnawed off a limb!

Theresa: Umm… O.o *absentmindedly chewing on pinky nail*

Humans are crazy

So I was hanging with friends today and it dawned on me…that human beings are insane. What we do for “fun” is insane.

We jump out of planes, jump off cliffs, climb sheer cliff walls hundreds of thousands of feet up. We have games for CHILDREN that involve pressing a button and getting shocked with electricity, and one of the most popular sports, in america at least, is full of humans bashing against each other and causes brain damage. Or humans trying to hang on to dear life on a bucking angry bull, and risk getting gored. Or just pummeling each other bloody in a ring. And we love it.

I mean, Just today, my friends and I used an electric charge machine (for flexing muscles and helping blood flow I think?) And spent an hour shocking each other and seeing how long we could last on the highest charge despite pain and spasms.

Then there are carnivals (which we also visited). Look around a carnival and nearly every ride is meant to be “fun” but also cause discomfort. Heights, spinning, sudden drops, high speeds, often combinations of all of these. They’re like giant colorful torture machines, and we LOVE them. We have whole parks dedicated to bigger, more complicated versions of carnival rides and roller coasters.

We actively seek out things that cause us discomfort…for FUN. Life risking or painful things for FUN.

Can you imagine what aliens would think about that? Imagine a poor aliens reaction upon coming to earth to research human passtimes and just being confronted with all these crazy hunans doing crazy, uncomfortable, sometimes painful things….for fun. Like,“Oh my gosh they torture themselves for fun why why why? How do we fight something that gets a kick out of hurting itself??” Imagine taking an alien visitor to a carnival or amusement park and them just being horrified.

Alien- What in the stars… Why have you taken me to a torture camp?? I thought we were friends! Human- what do you mean? It’s a carnival! It’s fun! Alien- but there are instruments of torture and interrogation everywhere! And…did you decorate them in colorful, pleasing lights?? What sick joke is this?!?

Or inversly, can you imagine a more serious situation wherein a human is captured and taken to be interrogated and are just…terrified. imagining what this warlike alien species has uo their sleeves, how they would torture them for information they sought. The master interrogator is this scarred, gruff alien who’s made it his life work to torture and rip that information away.

And then the human is taken into the torture room and just stops and stares at the whirl a twirl ride in the middle of the room. And they see this carnival ride and the interrogator and everyone else seem wary or scared of it, but the human just gets excited. And the whole time it’s running, the aliens are just flabbergasted because the human who’s being tortured is just laughing and grinning and even after puking is still yelling “again, again!”

No other race tortures themselves for fun. Human beings are just the craziest things.

Can human young really begin to comprehend complex machinery at such a low amount of accumulated solar rotations?

First attempt at a post

In the “humans are weird” “earth is space Australia” and “humanity fuck yea” posts I haven’t (yet) seen any reworks of the old themes. So of course humans would have trouble with alien tech. Adults being snippity adults can you imagine how some future version of a millennial basher would be?

Human adult: “Gar-friggin’-fuc- hey, hey you! Yea, you, kid. Come make this thing work!” The adult hands some 8 or 9 year old kid who was busy leaving a breadcrumb trail for Sgt. Stabby to follow a piece of tech.

Alien science officer: “Human Frank, that is a finely tuned light-spectrum translation device! The podling will break it!”

Human Frank “Ah, damn kid already figured out how to work it!” And chases after the kid who is writing light messages in an alien language on the floor of the corridor for Sgt. Stabby to dance on as it cleans them off.

Alien Science Officer: “12 standard cycles. I have 12 standard cycles of training to use this device…” And just wandering off for alien whisky and to commiserate with other members of the crew.

So about those space orcs...

I’ve seen a lot of posts about humans pack-bonding with frankly everything, no matter how big, scary, threatening, lethal or oozy.

But you know what I haven’t seen?

Humans entrusting their young to their pack-bonded friends. Because that’s a thing we do. We entrust our children to our friends. We entrust our children to our dogs. We befriend the biggest, meanest, scariest shit, and then we dump our defenseless, hasn’t-even-got-a-fully-fused-skull-yet offspring on them. Half for shits-and-giggles, half because it’s cute, mostly because children are exhausting and we need a nanny.

Keep reading

This seems important to you humans.

URGENT ALL AUSSIES!!!

i know!!! the stupid liberal government has decided on the plebiscite and even tho it’s a waste of money….. please vote!! IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE 18 BEFORE NOVEMBER 25 ENROLL TO VOTE!!! PLEASE DO NOT THROW YOUR VOTE AWAY THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME AND SO MANY OTHERS!!!!!!! PLEASE VOTE YES ON MARRIAGE EQUALITY!!!!!! WE CAN DO THIS!!!!

Humans are Space Orcs

Yet another addition…Teething. Babies, specifically.

“Human Veronica, your offspring is attempting to eat his toys.”

“Hm, oh, nah. He’s fine. He’s just teething. It’s normal.”

“Tee-thing? I do not understand.”

“Oh, well,” show baby’s mouth, “we aren’t born with teeth. They grow in when we’re babies. Babies like to chew on things when they teeth.”

“To sharpen them?”

“Uh, no. Not exactly. It’s just…something they do? The teeth have to cut through the mouth tissue after all.”

“Your bodies cut through themselves?” Horrified alien.

“Pfft, you think that’s bad? Our skulls aren’t fully formed when we’re babies. They fuse together .”

My contribution to the humans are space orcs, it’s probably been seen before but oh well.

So, You guys know about pursuit/persistence hunting right? Where we just follow the prey without stopping until it slows down or drops dead from fear and exhaustion? 

What if when aliens first discover earth, the thoughts of these bipedal predatory omnivores are bad enough but we seem pretty obsessed with farming our food so maybe we aren’t much of a threat.

Once humans are zipping about in space, that’s when they realise that these harmless bipedal omnivorous farmers are actually hunters who just never give up.

If someone hurts their crew, they just follow it for days before killing it. These soft fleshy things are terrifying. These soft fleshy things may not be the strongest or fastest but we are some of the hardest damn things to kill because we just won’t die and if we survive we won’t stop until we get you. 

We farm things because we can and because it’s easy. Not because we have to in order to survive.

We farm things because we’re too busy fighting each other to hunt for everything.

We stake out areas, we mimic its noises, we stalk it, we put ourselves in danger to kill a food source for fun. 

Good advice, filed and reported to command.

In the midst of all these “Humans will packbond with anything” posts, I’m going to pause and give you some actual, real-world career advice

Ready?  Humans are packbondy creatures.  I mean, there’s just no arguing it.  They packbond readily, and quickly, and unbelievably strongly.  Once a human has packbonded with a thing, they will do anything to help and protect that thing.  

There’s a downside to that, not often mentioned.  It uses up a lot of their time and energy to build those packbonds, maintain those packbonds, and most especially to do the work of helping and protecting those with whom they have packbonded.  It doesn’t leave them a lot of time and energy for helping other beings.  If you want a human to help you – if you want to reliably get their best effort – you have to packbond with them first. “Yeah? So?” So you’re probably going to be working with humans for most, if not all, of your career.  No matter how good or bad you are at your job, there will come a time when you need someone else in your workspace to help you with something, whether that’s manning the fry station for 2 minutes while you pee, sending over those numbers from marketing, or dropping everything to teach you how to do a thing that your boss told you to do or else you’d be fired.   Not to mention the big things.  They don’t give promotions to just their friends – at least not so much any more. Promotions go to the people who’ve completed big, visible, important projects.  It seems fair until you consider,,,, who gets the big, important, visible projects assigned to them in the first place?   Humans give boosts to the people they’ve packbonded with.  They mention packbondee’s accomplishments to the boss (or the boss’ boss).  They cover for the mistakes of people they’ve packbonded with.  

“That’s not right! It shouldn’t be a popularity contest! It should be about who does the best –”  Listen to me.  Listen.

You may be right.  You may be the most correct creature to have ever spoken since the beginning of galactic civilization.  It does not matter Humans packbond. It’s what they do. I can’t stop it. You can’t stop it.  No power in the ‘verse can stop it. This is how the human do. All you can do is work with it.  If you want a human to help you – if you want to reliably get their best effort – you have to packbond with them first. “Look, I’m introverted and scared of people and I have social anxiety so I really don’t know how to –” Hey, my pal, I feel you.  I, too, am introverted. And I have social anxiety. And I have PTSD that actually – and I recognize that this is bizarre – has ‘business networking’ as a trigger.   For you, I have good news: Humans will packbond with anything.   Like, you don’t really actually have to do anything. You kinda just have to… exist. In their presence. They kinda do the rest.   If you can talk with them, that speeds things up.  But it doesn’t have to be, like, good conversation. Like, it can totally go You: boy, sure is hot out! Human: Man oh man, can you believe it? You: Wow, yeah Human: Totally You: …. Human: ….

This conversation – as awkward and uncomfortable as it felt to you, has caused this human to packbond with you a little more. If you repeat it weekly, you will get good results. 

THE TAKEAWAYS

You need to packbond with the humans you come in contact with

Taking time to do that is not only justifiable, it is an important part of your job, and should be treated as such

That is to say that, as much as you hate it (and believe me, I understand), you have to take time away from actual work and dedicate it to packbonding with your fellow workers

Tips

Plan out your packbonding time. It’s easier if you can initiate than if a human springs packbonding-time on you all unexpected.  In an office job I like to use Friday afternoon, but adjust according to what makes sense to you and your situation.

Keep some packbonding-time questions handy.  My go-to list is:

(If it’s Monday or Tuesday) How was your weekend?

(If it’s Wednesday) How’s your week been so far?

(If it’s Thursday or Friday) Any big plans for the weekend?

How’s your day been?

You don’t have to care about the answers to these questions. All you have to do is remember that if the human is answering questions, they are not asking you any questions.  Therefore questions are your friend.  If you ask follow-up questions, you may be able to get through the entire packbonding time without having to do any of the talking

Learn to disengage from packbonding.  You can use basically the same sentence (or variants on it), but you’ll want to practice it so that you can make it sound natural.  I use “Awesome! Well, I gotta get going. Have a good one!”

I know it feels overwhelming, but a few minutes of packbonding, once a week, is all you need.  Once you build it into your habits it can be no more annoying than doing dishes or showering.  

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT YOU COULDENT GET ANY WEIRDER!!!???

Morning Poison

Xylo had just finished making a fresh batch of poison to fill the Alpha Squadron’s blow darts before they left to explore the hostile planet of Dran’dal. Made from a plant the humans had introduced them to, the substance was highly lethal if shot into one’s bloodstream, or ingested. Xylo was about to pour the substance into darts when the ship’s resident human wandered in. She had obviously been looking for something, and her eyes lit up when she saw the steaming liquid in the beaker in Xylo’s hand. “Yo, Xy. Can I have some of that?”

Xylo went still and turned toward the human quizzically, but handed her the beaker. “Of course?” It came out sounding like more of a question than a statement, but the human had bonded with everyone on board the ship, so there was no risk of her doing something with lethal consequen- Xylo’s thoughts were cut off by alarm as the human raised the beaker to her lips and downed the contents. They scrambled for the comm at their hip, desperate to call a medic, but they knew it was already too late. Still, somehow the human rushed towards them.

“Xylo, what’s wrong?” Her forehead creased in concern, but not for herself, Xylo realized. She was concerned for them.

They tried to keep their voice from shaking as they answered, “You just drank an entire batch of poison. How are you not dead?”

A flash of confusion flashed across the human’s face, before she started laughing. Xylo stared. They had long gotten used to the human habit of using signs of aggression as an indication they were happy or found something humorous, but there was nothing humorous about ingesting poison.

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” the human managed to say after they had calmed down. “But that’s not poison, not to humans anyway. We call that coffee. A lot of us drink it every morning because the caffeine helps us stay awake.”

Xylo’s blank stare slowly changed to shocked horror. “It’s the caffeine that’s poisonous…”

humans are weird

of course there’s been lots of posts about how humans have pets

dangerous pets. that can kill. that are kept even having injured their human. ugly pets that humans still gush over.

but what if what really makes humans weird is the love we have for our pets? like, aliens can sort of understand pets because not only can they be used to hunt, but also because humans are known throughout the galaxy as a species that will aggressively pack bond and adopt even inanimate objects.

but humans love their pets. humans will cry over their pets. even humans who have been identified by other humans as criminals and dangerous have and love pets. humans that abuse their pets are looked at with disgust and considered criminal. humans will risk their lives for animals that aren’t even theirs. humans will make their pet toys. humans will groom their pet simply because their pet enjoys it.

imagine an alien experiencing a pet’s funeral. and every human crew member is crying. a couple even do a little speech for poor bobby. and the alien crew are just utterly confused? because isn’t this usually reserved for dead humans? not a non-sentient being?!?!

they ask Human-Bee after the funeral- why is your species upset. you ingest poison for fun. you evolved on the planet from hell. you can get another parasite- sorry- I mean pet, can’t you?

yes, crewman t’sk, of course we can get another pet, but we loved bobby

the humans are all noticeably upset for the next week, so the alien crew on the next shore leave sneak away and when they come back present their humans with a new dog called jeff

watching all the humans smile and coo over the new dog, the alien crew think that maybe the universal pamphlets advertising how to care for humans were wrong. maybe these humans and pets aren’t in a parasitical relationship, but a symbiotic one.