Humans And Fire

More Humans are Weird

Because this hash tag is SO FUN and thought-provoking. 

GENDER:  No one can keep up with humans and gender. There are no easy signs to tell who is what, not clothing, not body morphology, not how they paint themselves or their grooming or vestigal hair. The humans themselves argue about how many genders there are. Eventually they quit trying and refer to all humans as ‘they’. Most humans are fine with that, even compliment them on their support (?) and progressive views (??). A few humans are offended, but are shouted down by their other humans. The other beings of the galaxy officially give up. 

SEX:  Some humans want to have sex all the time. Others barely can stand to be touched at all, even casually. Some will have sex with their own gender, which does not produce offspring and is confusing to many. Some will have sex only with certain people, some will have sex with anyone. SOME will have sex with other species, occasionally challenging their own safety and everyone else’s. None of this is considered strange. Anyone saying it is strange is again shouted down and shamed into silence. The other beings of the galaxy officially give up. 

CATS:  Humans adopt small predators as pets and kiss their “widdle faces” and giggle over their clawed toes (???) and fuss and are thrilled when the predators sleep with them (isn’t that UNSAFE? IT IS FULL OF POINTY BITS) and often sport scratches and bite marks inflicted when the animal was ‘playing’.  “When were these ‘cats’ domesticated?” “Oh, we never really domesticated them. We just let them move into the house with us. Aren’t they CUUUUUTE? Come here, baby.” -kissy noises- The other beings of the galaxy again give up. 

RELIGION:  Wars fought. Millions - probably billions, through history - killed. Crew members huffy with each other. Various holidays celebrated, none of which make sense, some of them celebrating events that are physically impossible and could not have happened. All for something that can’t be proved.  The other beings of the galaxy would think this was all an elaborate prank if it wasn’t for the body count. 

GERMS:  Humans get INFECTED and act as if it is a personal affront, and cuss about it. They confine themselves to quarters so they don’t infect the rest of the crew - very kind, in that respect - and otherwise wrap themselves in bedding and bitch about it for three days while doing their work by remote - “It’s fine, just a cold.” followed by horrifying noises they call ‘coughing’ and ‘sneezing’ -  and HOW. HOW DO THEY EVEN.  The other beings of the galaxy, for whom infection is always life-threatening, boggle from a safe distance. With respirators on. 

ALPHA PREDATOR…?  They come from a death planet, these naked apes with no armor, no fangs, no speed. They have the ability to conquer the galaxy, if they only agreed with each other long enough that it was their goal. Instead they poke their noses into other death worlds, ‘exploring’, they call it, adopting horrifying creatures and making friends with other predatory beings, brewing poisonous beverages from whatever they can scrounge, which they then drink for fun. The rest of the galaxy is relieved. If humans had an attention span, they would truly be in trouble. 

No one wants to know what a ‘shark’ is. Humans seem to be afraid of them, and if it frightens the humans, the rest of the galaxy is, to a being, terrified. 

OKAYOKAYOKAY B U T Aliens that only have mates to reproduce. Once every couple of moons they find their partner, do the do, then find a completely different one the next cycle. Imagine these aliens being confused about the human concept of marriage - “you stay with them for life?“ - and not understanding that while yes, Intaquk, you are very attractive I am married so no I will not be your mate this season. Imagine Valentines Day rolling around and one of a crews humans is feeling sad and the aliens are like “yo r u okay should we feed u or something is this natrual” and the human “just kinda bummed i dont have a valentines” and after a bit of research of the holiday one of the aliens gets down on one knee and offers the human a small rock like “I heard these..proposals are common in human culture?” AND THE HUMAN JUST STARTS SMILING AND TAKES THE PEBBLE LIKE ‘thank you fruiyo’ AND THE OTHER HUMANS AROUND START GUSHING OVER HOW ADORABLE THE SCENE WAS. THE ALIENS PICK UP ON HOW THESE PROPOSALS MAKE THE HUMANS ELATED, THEREFORE SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE ARE PROPOSED TO WITHIN THE MONTH A N D

What if a lot of alien species didn’t actually evolve as pack species, and just adapted to living in communities out of necessity? So they can still work and live together, but they don’t have all the little instincts humans have that help them work in a group.

And they are freaked out by us.

We all wear the same clothes. It’s not a uniform— we just somehow all seem to like roughly the same outfits. We fit in so naturally with the people around us that you can use a human’s clothing to tell what country and what time period they are from. Aliens have no idea how we know what clothes are appropriate— they end up having to hire humans to act as fashion consultants after several incidents where diplomats showed up wearing mismatched clothes from various time periods and countries and looking totally ridiculous.

And what about yawning? Aliens who work on human ships say they never fully get used to hearing one human yawn and then having the whole room start yawning along with them. Or telling a joke to one human and seeing humans who say they don’t find the joke that funny cracking up anyway because “their laugh is so infectious!” It’s a common practical joke to tell new nonhuman crew members about this horrible disease humans get, where they feel tired and have an uncontrollable urge to open their mouths. It’s deadly, they say, and very contagious.

New safety procedures have to be worked out for the humans because, on the one hand, you don’t have to go around telling each individual to leave. Humans will just follow the mob. On the other hand, though, you have to be careful not to spread panic, because if one human runs, they all will, and they’ll trample anyone who isn’t fast enough to stay ahead.

Aliens hear humans tell their kids not to give into peer pressure and just get really confused. “Why would they do it if they don’t want to?”

“Because their friends are telling them to do it!”

“But why do it just because they’re telling them to do it?”

“Because they’re their friends!”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

When aliens see earth movies about people being indoctrinated or turned into zombies, it takes them a while to realise that these are horror movies because, from their perspective, that’s just what humans are like.

Humans Are Weird: Not Noticing Pain

The humans were at third meal when Zork'ak sat on the bench. The nutrient researchers had been experimenting with the human flavors, attempting to add it to the meals. This bowl had a slight ‘savory’ undertone that Zork'ak very much enjoyed.

           Wren moved over to allow Zork'ak to sit next to her, which caused a weird constriction around xer straque, xer fluid-pumping organ. Wren smiled at xem, and it happened again. Xe might need to go to the medical wing after meal.

           "I don’t feel sorry,“ Adam was saying.

           "You sprained my wrist!” Steve was clutching his extremity to his chest.

           "You should’ve landed the right way.“

           "Oh, shut up,” Carrie grumbled.

           As Carrie lifted her utensil to her mouth, Zork'ak caught a glimpse of a long cut running the length of the lower half of her extremity. “How did you hurt yourself, Carrie?”

           She looked surprised. “Where?” Zork'ak carefully traced the line with xer talon. Carrie twisted to look at the scabbed cut. “Hmm. Wonder when that happened.”

           "The piercing of your skin sends pulses through your nerves, correct?“

           "Well, yeah.”

           "So you should feel it.“

           "Well, I mean. You usually do. I guess I just didn’t notice when it happened this time.”

           "Sometimes our body can be more focused on other things or like the pain is so minor we barely notice or remember it,“ Adam said. “I mean we obviously notice big things.”

           "I probably cut on something while we were at the collection field.“ Carrie continued eating.

           "She also is the kind of person who doesn’t notice a lot.” Adam closed his eye in what Zork'ak had been told is called a ‘wink.’ “I, on the other hand, do notice things like this.” He flipped his extremity over to reveal two blue spots on his arms. Zork'ak did not study human bodily science, just behavior so xe did not know what this medical condition was.

           "What disease do you have?“ Zork'ak leaned forward to look at Adams, running a talon over the skin to see if it felt different. Xe had been told that xe could touch the humans without asking permission in these situations.

           "Oh, it’s not a disease. It’s called a bruise. It means my blood vessel, the tube that brings the blood to all my organs, was ruptured. It’ll go away after a few days.”

           "You rupture delivery vessels that are necessary to keep your organs functioning and it does not affect your body?“

           Adam shrugged. “We have multiple blood vessels.”

           "Is this an extremely painful occurrence?“ Zork'ak had noticed humans did not seem to mind pain.

           "Nah. I mean, you can usually tell if you are going to bruise because it hurts a little when that spot gets hit, but very minor.”

           "So you don’t notice when you are cut but when one of your… blood vessels,“ Adam nodded,” blood vessels ruptures but you do notice when you touch an object too hard.“

           "Uh, kind of? It just really depends.”

           Zork'ak did not understand how some humans would notice these nerve impulses but others did not. Xe turned to look at Wren, who had been listening to the conversation, and noticed a dark purple spot on Wren’s upper extremity.

           "What is this?“ Xe pointed at the spot on Wren’s arm.

           "Uh,” Wren tried to twist her extremity. “Where?” She was stretching it out, twisting around, finally able to look at the spot on the back side. “Oh, bruise.” She poked it. “Ouch. That hurt.” She proceeded to press it again. And again.

           "Wren?“ She touched the spot again and wrinkled her nose. "Why do you continue to press the spot that hurts?”

           She looked at xem. “You know, I don’t have an explanation really. I guess it doesn’t hurt that much so it’s enticing to keep pressing it to see if it hurts more each time. I’m not sure.”

           "How did you get that bruise?“

           "Couldn’t tell you.”

           Zork'ak looked back at Adam. “I thought you said you all noticed when you have ruptured your blood vessels, and that one looks more painful.”

           "Hers is a dark color because it’s healing, not because it’s more painful. Bruises are nearly the same pain level. Some hurt when you press them,“ he cut his eyes at Wren, "but having them doesn’t hurt really.”

           "She does not know how she received hers.“

           He looked at her arm, then his. "Like I said, it depends.”

           "But.“ Zork'ak was looking at their bruises. "How do you-you don’t notice-I do not understand.” Klyls always noticed any abnormality in their body’s functioning. There was not a time that Zork'ak had not noticed something causing xem pain.

           "It’s complicated, I guess. Our species doesn’t have set rules really.“

           "I have noticed.” Xe looked at Wren. “It makes your species quite hard to study.”

           She laughed. “Good. You can’t know all of our secrets.” She winked at xem then.

           Zork'ak found it hard to breathe for a fraction of a cycle. Xe definitely needed to go to the medical wing.  

K so some of my favorite posts here are the “humans are weirder than aliens” ones, and I just thought of something tremendous

Background Music

Aliens have managed to advance because they hyper focus on everything they do, but are completely baffled by our ability to multitask. They are stunned that we listen to music when working, cause they would hyper focus on the music and nothing else. Or humans work on stuff while having on conversation and still know what the conversation is about even while half listening.

Imagine aliens not understanding the concept of short attention spans

Why do you do this? 390 shmo? WHY?

to contribute to the ‘humans are weird’ posts...

Okay, but what about marathons tho. Humans are built to follow animals on foot. Until the animal literally gives up and dies. That’s how we hunt. We’re not super fast or claw-y or bite-y. we just keep running. Forever.  Imagine aliens finding out about marathons. Aliens who are stealth predators or evolved from sedentary species learning that humans just straight up run their prey to death.  Alien Wimu: Human Nik, I have been watching this hologram for several ngu’la. What are these humans doing? Human Nik: Oh, wow, that’s the Olympics! It’s a competition where humans see who is the best at various physical tasks. This is the marathon, I think?  Alien Wiro: We have tests of physical prowess on Mngumu as well. But I have been watching for several ngu’la and these humans have been running the entire time. I am concerned. Are they well? Has something gone wrong with the event? Is something chasing them?  Human Nik: Nope, that’s the event! It’s actually really cool. A long time ago, this human ran – a bunch of kilometers? Something like 40, I think – because he was carrying a message to a place called Marathon from … someplace in Greece because of a war or something. He died I think. Anyway, now a lot of people do it! I actually ran a half-marathon for charity once. It was pretty grueling but it felt really good. Alien Wiro: …I’m sorry, but I believe you said 40 kilometers. That is equivalent to roughly 349 shmo!  Human Nik: Yeah, that sounds about right.  Alien Wiro: And you said the original person died? Human Nik: Well, I think. But like I said we train for it now. It’s not so bad, really.  Alien Wiro: …  Human Nik: Anyway, thanks for showing me! It’s really easy to lose track of time up here, wow. Had no idea the Olympics were happening.  Alien Wiro: … @space-australians

Human: *juggles* Alien: !? Human: Oh, yeah, it’s just a trick I picked up. Just for fun. I’m not, like, a real juggler Alien: ‘Real’ In these contexts indicates a profession? There are people who do this for money? Human: Oh yeah! I got a friend who’s a professional juggler *finds YouTube video* Alien: !! Human: Yeah, and also there’s combat juggling Alien: This is a metaphorical combat, yes? For social dominance? You do not injure each other? Human: Well, I mean, some injuries are gonna happen. That’s why my friend – the guy in that video – he can’t do combat juggling very much. He can’t risk injury, cuz he has to perform. it’s super fun, though.  Alien: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS??

Humans are weird

My take on humans are weird/space orcs/Australians

Humans succeed in long endurance running and overall stamina. While some  species have better senses, stronger muscles, and faster acceleration, none of them can last as long as a human when running (it was also ancient humanity’s hunting method: outlasting prey). What if humans can run at a constant speed for a prolonged period of time that would otherwise cause other species to fatigue easily?

S’kron: human George you must rest, you’ve been running for quite some time

George: nah I’m fine, this is normal for me

S’kron: normal? You’ve could’ve died from running that long!

George: I was jogging and it’s not bad, keeps me active, you should try it sometime 

S’kron: running for an extended period of time is your idea of exercise? Are all humans like this?

George: well some can run faster and some can run longer I’m considered average.

S’kron: average? You mean other humans are faster?

George: yeah we have running is a sport for us it’s called sprinting and we do it around 100m or over in laps

S’kron: a sport? You must be insane to be running for that long!

George: no its true we even make obstacles known as hurdles to jump over whilst running

S’kron once again reread human physiology and learnt that humans were the best overall runners on their planet, he brought these findings to the rest of the crew, to their shock.

At that moment the guide to humans book was once again edited with a new note: do not challenge humans to a running contest, for you will surely die a slow, exhausting, painful death

Humans are odd

To jump into the whole humans are space oddities, imagine an aliens reaction to contacts.

Human Kayla had recently joined the ships crew, who all felt rather prepared. They got her a hamster and everything. And so, they go on for a good two weeks until Human Kayla says her contacts were irritating her.

So, of course, everyone is super freaked out because, “Human Kayla! What are these contacts you speak of? Are they part of your body?” and etc.

But then they watch her reach to her face and shove her finger onto her eye. And peel a bit of it off.

And now, of course, the aliens are terrified, because humans can casually peel the top part of their eye off if it hurt them, and it was once again time to update the intergalactic human manual.

lol how do you think aliens would react to finding out about identical twins?

Okay so at first I was like… human diversity in looks is pretty unique (to my knowledge with the exception of species we’ve tampered with i.e pigeons) and speaks to our historical lack of serious predators. But then I thought about aliens knowing this but then huMaNS SUDDENLY LOOK THE SAME?!?!?!IS THIS A “PRANK”???THEY’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE DEVELOPED SUCCESSFUL CLONING TECHNOLOGY YET?!?ARE THEY SICK?!?

Followed by the human twins in question just going off on the standard answers with a sigh. “Yes we’re twins, yes we’re identical, no we can not feel each other’s pain, yes we do argue occasionally, no we do not have psychic powers-” at which point the alien just cuts them off because wtf some humans havE PSYCHIC POWERS!?!? Clearly some do, seeing as these humans are so used to being asked if they’re one of them. And there have been accounts of it in written form - the various YA novels descriptions come to mind. A human once said these were written lies, but with so many accounts of it, that sounds less likely than it just being something they want to keep secret.

Identically looking human psychics are quickly added as point number 492 to The Grand List of Reason NOT to Mess With Humans.