“Humans Are Weird” Idea

K so some of my favorite posts here are the “humans are weirder than aliens” ones, and I just thought of something tremendous

Background Music

Aliens have managed to advance because they hyper focus on everything they do, but are completely baffled by our ability to multitask. They are stunned that we listen to music when working, cause they would hyper focus on the music and nothing else. Or humans work on stuff while having on conversation and still know what the conversation is about even while half listening.

Imagine aliens not understanding the concept of short attention spans

Aliens reacting to someone with braces? Thanks!

The human problem was growing bigger at an alarming pace.Back when they first started travelling through space, most had viewed theirefforts as cute. Some had even cheered them on from afar. Of course, that wasbefore they realised what kind of creatures humans really are and what kind ofplanet they originate on. Before they knew what humans did for fun.

The humans as a whole hadn’t attacked yet, but it was only amatter of time before they gathered their forces. The Ktynarian species had tobe prepared.

As a result, they had commandeered a human craft, and with eight Ktynarians to every human, they’d managed to gain control of the vesseland the horrible creatures within.

Unfortunately it was common knowledge that getting a fullygrown human to talk was a near impossible feat. Fortunately, there were severalyounglings on the ship. The majority were younglings actually, which was asurprise. Upon further investigation it was revealed the ship was operated by atraining facility of the category ‘school’.

After separating the humans into smaller groups to minimisethe risks of organised resistance, Commander Yldrik picked one of the mediumsized younglings to interrogate – having heard that the bigger posed a threatin size, but that the smallest were often quick and nimble

Yes, the medium sized one were surely the easiest to make afirst attempt on. And if that failed, they still had a plethora of other humansto interrogate. One of them would surely give them some useful information.

Some of the humans were secreting some sort of fluid fromtheir optical organs, some making noises the Ktynarians couldn’t identify, butinstructing them to be quiet seemed to just make them more intent on making thenoises. Deciding it would be best to leave xir soldiers to deal with it,Commander Yldrik turned xir focus to the youngling xe had selected.

“What is your objective,” xe asked. Getting straight to thepoint had seemed like the best method, but the human didn’t seem to comprehend.

“What?”

“What is your objective? What are you here to accomplish?” xe repeated, seemingly surprising the human. Perhaps they hadn’t expected to beconfronted, or for the Ktynarians to be suspicious of them. Clearly the humanshad underestimated them.

“Well, I mean, a B would be great, but I’d settle for a Ctoo,” the human responded, something in their mouth gleaming slightly. Underdifferent circumstances Yldrik would have paid it more attention, but xe waspreoccupied deciphering what the human had said.

A bee was a creature from the humans’ home planet, andapparently vital to their ecosystem. A sea however, was a large body of aparticular kind of water, and their planet seemed to be largely consisting ofit. Why would they possibly want more of it?

“Why?”

“It’s not my best subject,” they said, elevating an upperpart of their anatomy. Yldrik knew xe had been informed of the meaning behindthe movement, but xe had finally noticed something different about the human’steeth. Something worrying.

“Bare your teeth.” The human seemed surprised by the order,but complied after a brief hesitation.

The sight that met xem was terrifying, even for someone withas much experience as Yldrik.

“W-what are those?”

The human looked perplexed at first, but seemed tounderstand what xe was referring to fairly quickly.

“You mean my braces?” the human asked before baring theirteeth further. A grin. At least that was what xe thought the action was namedby the humans. “It’s just metal. You see, my mouth had too many teeth in it, sothey got a bit out of order. Crooked and all, you know? So when I was aboutthirteen my parents took me to a dentist who basically attached metal to themto force them to stay in place. Cool, huh?”

The tone in which the human spoke did no justice to thehorrors that laid in their words. They spoke as if they didn’t realise how terrifyingthis information was – no, come to think about it, they spoke as if they enjoyed the horrors they’d clearly beenput through.

“And this was necessary for your survival?” xe asked, seeingno other reasonable explanation.

“No, no it’s just because it looks better,” the human said,repeating the elevation of an upper part of their anatomy. They did somethingelse too, with an appendage of theirs, but Yldrik was done paying attention.

In record time, every single Ktynarian had vacated the ship,control of which had been returned to the humans. Fortunately their ship had afar higher maximum speed than the humans.

Their only chance at survival would clearly be to stay asfar away from the humans as possible. If they attacked, the Ktynarians wouldhave no other option than to flee. A species willing to do things like that totheir own young – for aesthetic reasons no less – was not a species one wantedto go to war against.

HUMANS IN SPACE

so the humans are space orcs posts where we can just hide emotions from our customer service skill set, why don’t we take that a step further.

What about actors, who literally train for years to act different behaviors for different roles, from good guys to bad guys. One minute the human is kind and gentle, the next he is arrogantly addressing the pirates who invaded, all from his acting days.

Their strict memorization can help them recall lines for any situation. They can cry on cue, motivate their crewmates with a well place monologues, become the life of the party with one liners and comedic sketches.

Hell this can apply to dedicated fans. The ones who try to get in character at cosplays, or memorize entire dialogues from their favorite scenes.

Really I just want someone to write alien fic where a human quotes the wallet scene from pulp fiction and just fucking terrifies them

((Start at 1:51))

One day more!

One day more to revolution

We will

nip it

in the bud!

We’ll be ready for these schoolboys

They will wet themselves with blood!

One day more!

Watch ‘em run amok Catch ‘em as they fall

Never know your luck when there’s a free-for-all!

Here’s a little “dip” There a little “touch”

Most of ‘em are goners so they won’t miss much!

One day to a new beginning (Raise the flag of freedom high!)

Every man will be a king (Every man will be a king!)

There’s a new world for the winning (There’s a new world to be won!)

Do you hear the people sing?

My place is here, I fight with you!

One day more!

We will join these people’s heroes We will follow where they go

We will learn their little secrets, We will know the things they know.

One day more!

Watch ‘em run amok Catch 'em as they fall Never know your luck when there’s a free-for-all!

One more day to revolution We will nip it in the bud We’ll be ready for these schoolboys

Tomorrow we’ll be far away,

Tomorrow is the judgement day

Tomorrow we’ll discover What our God in heaven has in store!

One more dawn

One more day

One day more!

Do you think that, to aliens, we humans are like the supreme omnivores of the universe?

I mean, honestly, one of the greatest advantages we have as a species is our willingness to eat, or at least try to eat, just about anything.

Allergies, cultural differences, preferred diets, and intolerances, and general tastes for flavors aside, the average human is capable of finding a way to consume most anything we can get in our mouth.

Meat? Boom. Vegetables? Pretty good. Fruits? Love it. Bugs? Hey if we had to. Fish? Hell yeah. Eggs? Yeah man. Organs? Sure thing. Milk, honey, and food products made in other creatures? Classic.

Hell, if something isn’t immediately poisonous or just disgusting tasting, or even just flat undigestable, chances are a human can and will eat it.

Honestly, even if something is known to be poisonous (i.e. pufferfish), we’re not gonna rest until we find some part of it that’s not poisonous so we can eat that.

Some humans even will eat disgusting things, either to prove they can, or because they’ve found a way to make it palatable just so that they can actually eat it.

Especially consider that if other alien species we encounter are either flat herbivores or obligate carnivores. It might be to the concern of some newer crew members just how much the humans on board eat and what variety they will consume if given the chance; especially if they’re concerned about food rations being low. Or if they get to an unexplored world and the human is commenting about strange flora and fauna they find and comment how much it resembles foodstuffs on their home planet. Until they realize the humans are saying it about a LOT of the stuff on this unexplored world. To the point they’re worried that either the humans will eat something that would get them sick/poisoned, or they’ll end up just completely devouring anything and everything they see on the planet like a swarm of starved locusts.

What is this planet

There’s someone who has their iPhone named “hot single horses in your area” and they airdrop people pictures of horses randomly. Nobody knows who it is. Once, during an assembly, the laptop that the projector was from had airdrop turned on, and in the middle of a presentation about bullying, it popped up in front of the entire school. HOT SINGLE HORSES IN YOUR AREA WANTS TO SHARE AN IMAGE. A picture of a horse, with text in bubble letters over it saying “available”

This is amusing.

Aliens watching out for their humans

So most of the stories I’ve seen in the Humans-Are-Weird/Space-Australia/Space-Orcs have had aliens being completely accepting and mostly one human explaining things.

So what would happen when the alien crew who loved their human and easily accepted that their brain didn’t always work right encountered as absolute asshole?

“Human Katyleen, I do not understand why you are upset about Human Sarah traveling with our crew?”

“Because psychos like her should be locked up Galthor! God first it’s rude to call them nutjobs when they are now they get to take the spots that people like me deserve!”

“Do you have the ability to lift a Bilibithor above your head?”

“No but-”

“Ah! You must be able to out-talk a Fiffifin then!”

“They use so many alliterations it makes no sense!”

“Are you able to correctly change speeds to prevent a hyper speed collision that is, the earth term is inches correct?”

“She is still a psycho! She could snap at any time and kill you all!”

“I believe Human Sarah told us about your kind.”

“What did she say?”

“I believe the terms used is cunt.”

What if a lot of alien species didn’t actually evolve as pack species, and just adapted to living in communities out of necessity? So they can still work and live together, but they don’t have all the little instincts humans have that help them work in a group.

And they are freaked out by us.

We all wear the same clothes. It’s not a uniform— we just somehow all seem to like roughly the same outfits. We fit in so naturally with the people around us that you can use a human’s clothing to tell what country and what time period they are from. Aliens have no idea how we know what clothes are appropriate— they end up having to hire humans to act as fashion consultants after several incidents where diplomats showed up wearing mismatched clothes from various time periods and countries and looking totally ridiculous.

And what about yawning? Aliens who work on human ships say they never fully get used to hearing one human yawn and then having the whole room start yawning along with them. Or telling a joke to one human and seeing humans who say they don’t find the joke that funny cracking up anyway because “their laugh is so infectious!” It’s a common practical joke to tell new nonhuman crew members about this horrible disease humans get, where they feel tired and have an uncontrollable urge to open their mouths. It’s deadly, they say, and very contagious.

New safety procedures have to be worked out for the humans because, on the one hand, you don’t have to go around telling each individual to leave. Humans will just follow the mob. On the other hand, though, you have to be careful not to spread panic, because if one human runs, they all will, and they’ll trample anyone who isn’t fast enough to stay ahead.

Aliens hear humans tell their kids not to give into peer pressure and just get really confused. “Why would they do it if they don’t want to?”

“Because their friends are telling them to do it!”

“But why do it just because they’re telling them to do it?”

“Because they’re their friends!”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

When aliens see earth movies about people being indoctrinated or turned into zombies, it takes them a while to realise that these are horror movies because, from their perspective, that’s just what humans are like.

I absolutely love all the space australia/ humans are weird/space orcs things going around, so I haven’t been able to stop thinking about stuff like metaphors and idioms and figurative speech. Like, what if those had been purely human concepts?

Human: “He really broke Omar’s heart”

Alien: “What?? Is Omar still alive? Can he be healed? Is it culturally appropriate to seek out revenge?”

Human: “No, no, like… He hurt him badly.”

Alien: “Yes I understand that your cardiovascular system is important.”

- - -

Human: “She’s a real wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

Alien: “What is a wolf?”

Human: “It’s a predator - you know, the one dogs descent from?”

Alien: “… She looks human. How do you know the value of her clothes?”

- - -

Human: “That dickhead stabbed me in the back”

Alien: “MEDIC!!!!”

- - -

Human 1: “Wish me luck!”

Human 2: “Break a leg!”

*Horrified aliens in the background*

I really want a science fiction story where aliens come to invade earth and effortlessly wipe out humanity, only to be fought off by the wildlife.

They were expecting military resistance. They weren’t counting on bears.