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well now i’m on an aliens kick. also, i just went in my kitchen to get some ice water and walked in on a fucking roach orgy because no matter how much i clean this apartment is fucking ghetto so let’s talk about how aliens would react to human pest control methods.

“Why is Stacy cleaning the dishware? We have cleaning robots to do that for her,” asked Qwerty (his full name was much, much longer, but because it was written with every letter of one of the more commonly used human alphabets, and something about early digital communications, the humans on the I.S. Dastallria had given him the nickname). 

Xorzit’ket shrugged as best as her anatomy could manage the borrowed gesture. “Why don’t you go ask her?” 

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Aliens are so used to humans wanting to pet the most deadliest creatures they find because PUPPER that they have prepared on every ship with a human crewmate. They have human sitting duties and at least 2 chaperones when going planet-side, just in case they get any ideas.

Then a crew gets a human for the first time and it’s everything like what the Human Care Manual says. The human is loud, but pleasant, always joke around with the crew and was tremendous during that Flokkut Raid on Sector 6. The human even brought a camera with it to take pictures on the ship (it’s bigger than most, downright obnoxious in shape to some of the crew, but the human is happy with it, and a happy human is a bonded human)

So then they go down to a planet, letting the human explore with his chaperones. After walking for a while the group stumbles on a herd of Dwetts, elks with fish eyes and flippers. The aliens sigh cause it was bound to see creatures sooner or later, and turn to give Acceptable Reason #6 from the manual, when the human disappeared! They freak out because how did the human leave??? Does it have invisibility??? That wasn’t part of the manual!! But they hear their human saying “guys, stop moving! You’re going to upset them!”

They look down to see the human lying on his stomach looking through his camera, taking pictures. They were shocked, but did as they were told and sat down. For hours they watched the human taking photos, being as quiet as still as possible. This couldn’t be the same human??

When the human was done, it got up, stretched, and headed back for the ship. The chaperones followed suit. When they got back the captain was surprised that they returned without a creature (even with 2 chaperones, he suspected that the human would win anyway) but was astonished to hear what had happened.

“You didn’t want to take one as these ‘pets’ for the ship??”

“No???? Why would I? They aren’t domesticated, they need space to live which the ship wouldn’t supply.”

“But aren’t they cute in human terms?”

“I mean, I would say more interesting than cute. But seriously, how would we take care of it? How to feed it, groom it, keep away from all the sensitive equipment? It would be dangerous for us and it if we take one from the wild. You really want one that badly?”

“Wha- No! It’s just…you seemed to like them?”

“I mean yeah, it’s a new animal species, and I did take pictures, but not as long as I hoped for. Honestly you have to look at the ecosystem here before getting any animals on board.”

The captain immediately notified the Human Care Committee that their section on animal bonding does not apply to human subclass professional wildlife photographer

To people who say we’re exaggerating about TTG flooding Cartoon Network’s schedules

LOOK AT ALL THE LOVE STEVEN UNIVERSE IS GETTING

What if we are both the Space Orcs and the Space Hippies of the Galaxy?

I absolutely love the idea that humanity will turn out to be the Space Orcs of the universe with our innate violence and toughness but what if we turn out to be the space hippies as well?

Like every other species that has reached Space fairing status has slaughtered every predator, every dangerous insect, every poisonous plant ….even viruses  and bacteria have been exterminated. Basically everything that can be a threat to them on their planet has been removed and it’s functions in the cycle of the planet have been replicated through scientific means. Sanitizing your Homeworld  like this is considered a mark of progress and civilization. Only barbaric species have natural dangers on their world. In advanced societies only lifeforms which are useful are allowed on your planet

And then we appear on the scene and although we are intimidating and and violent the other species welcome us. And then on our first meeting the alien ambassador notices a beautiful painting of a jellyfish on the Captain’s wall

“What an intriguing creature. Is it native to your planet? What is it function?” asked X’thio of the Kril

“Oh this? Yeah. The Box Jellyfish. Nasty piece of work. It’s poison targets your pain center and you literally spend weeks in excruciating pain. You can die very easily if you don’t get help quickly. My third cousin got stung by one. She said it was so painful it made child birth look like a fun day at the park“ “These things still exist on your world!? How horrifying. We would gladly help you exterminate them if you don’t have the capability” “Exterminate them!? Mate we are trying to save them. They are severely endangering due all the pollution in the ocean!”

“What!? Why?”

“Well we used to throw out a lot of garbage  in the ocean and….”

“I understand how pollution works. Why would you want to save such a horrid creature?” “Well  isn’t it obvious? It’s because it’s endangered. Besides they barely killed any people. Now snakes..let me tell you about snakes. There this snake that climbed through toilet and bit my uncle right in the…….”

And that’s when the Ambassador knew that they wouldn’t be leaving their Embassy on Earth

Not greeting someone this way is a sleight to their honor.

Whenever I see a post on tumblr suggesting aliens don’t have gender, I always think–‘but what if also the reverse. What if aliens also have some fundamental social construct we don’t’.

Like, they come and meet us and they’re like ‘hey this is an awkward question but what’s your gooblebygark?’

And we’re like what.

‘You know, the… the thing. Your goobledygark. The thing that dictates whether you’re gnarfgnoovles or brubledoopes’

What. What. What the fuck, those words don’t even mean anything??? What are you talking about?

‘Look, your ridiculous human languages don’t seem to have the words for these! But they’re totally a thing, they’re like, fundamental aspects of social life for our species, just… just let us lick you so we can know what verb tense to use when we speak to you.’

What does one thing have to do with the other??? That makes no–

‘UGH, nevermind, you’re totally brubledoopes, I can just tell, I don’t even need to taste your bacterial skin colonies.’

And then another alien overhears and is like ‘holy shit, you can’t stereotype like that, that’s SO NOT COOL’

‘yeaH BUT THEY WON’T LET ME LICK THEM’

Imagine an alien species that venerates the spoken word.

Speaking is a sacred thing to them. Why wouldn’t it be? it’s the ritual exchange of information through a complex series of structures evolved over millennia. That’s a really big deal. So they only ever speak to each other in words to relay important information, like orders or relevant things not already obvious. Small talk either doesn’t exist or is only exchanged with your closest friends or family members. Otherwise it’s not just impolite, but practically blasphemy.

Then humans come along. At first they seem like they’re the same way–their ambassadors are eloquent and polite, and sure maybe their wording can be a little needlessly fancy, but every species is a little different and you’ve gotta make some allowances.

That’s what the aliens think until they actually meet their human crew mates.

And they discover that humans??? Will just say???? Anything?????

One human is braiding another’s hair and comments, “you have so much hair!” as if the other human didn’t know that already??? Their alien crew member is absolutely appalled at the casual use of speech to relay such pithy information. But the other human doesn’t even care???

Another human sees something funny and says “I’m dying” and the alien runs over like “OH NO WHERE DOES IT HURT” and the human is utterly baffled and says “I didn’t actually mean it” which is outrageous because why would that human dare use the power of speech to state something blatantly untrue?

The alien thinks they’ve seen the worst of it. And then a human comes out of the latrine. And they open their mouth.

“YOOOO GUYS I JUST TOOK THE BIGGEST SHIT”

Submitted by: @attentiondeficitohlookasquirrel

Humans are ridiculous

I just want to throw my hat into the ring about the Humans Are Space Orcs trope that has been going around and I’ve been enjoying immensely.

You know how a large percentage of us have a fear of spiders? Even cripplingly so, like “kill it now I’m crying and breathing into a bag” kind of fear. So what if the aliens are monitoring our transmissions before making first contact, and see, for example, a bunch of Tumblr users discussing how scary spiders are? Put that with how badass humans generally are (seriously, we invented surgery before we invented anesthetic and consume literal poison because we like the taste), how freaked out would the aliens be to learn that there’s something we truly fear? I can see it going down like this: Human Steve: Tell us about FTL travel and your culture, we have much to learn from each other Alien: Yeah yeah in a minute tell me about the spider threat are we safe right now or

Even better would be if Human Steve is not one of those people who is afraid of spiders at all. Like, he has a pet tarantula and puts wild spiders outside safely when they come into his bathroom, if he bothers with them at all. And the aliens are VERY CONCERNED about the little guys and he’s like ???? They aren’t??? A threat???? But then they consult with Human Bill, and Human Bill is basically Professional Spider Hater and goes on for a weirdly long time about how spiders are the actual devil and how black widows are really dangerous and let’s not even MENTION Australia. He gets the heebee jeebies and starts twitching and itching as he begins to feel phantom bugs on his skin. Both Human Steve and Human Bill insist that the other is the weird one. The aliens are more concerned than ever.

HUMANS IN SPACE

so the humans are space orcs posts where we can just hide emotions from our customer service skill set, why don’t we take that a step further.

What about actors, who literally train for years to act different behaviors for different roles, from good guys to bad guys. One minute the human is kind and gentle, the next he is arrogantly addressing the pirates who invaded, all from his acting days.

Their strict memorization can help them recall lines for any situation. They can cry on cue, motivate their crewmates with a well place monologues, become the life of the party with one liners and comedic sketches.

Hell this can apply to dedicated fans. The ones who try to get in character at cosplays, or memorize entire dialogues from their favorite scenes.

Really I just want someone to write alien fic where a human quotes the wallet scene from pulp fiction and just fucking terrifies them

Even YOU'RE confused about your species?!?

'humans are weird' post

So I was thinking about music earlier in a Earth is Space Austraila/Humans Are Space Orcs kind of way

Humans have a way of singing that if you are not careful can permanently damage your vocal cords 

Humans are incredible mimics 

Whenever we hear “This song can’t be sung by humans” we Immediately go “lol” and do it anyway

Humans have a wide variety in which they can pitch their voices naturally, Freddie Mercury being a shining example of this (even though he is an outlier)

Likewise some people’s voices are naturally super high pitched or super fucking deep, there’s a lot of factors in human vocals 

Which got me thinking about how varied music would be in some Galactic Federation type of thing. How interpersonal relationships may be affected by a human hearing a song that is from a species that maybe descended from birds and a human is dancing and singing in the breakroom to some Avian Boy Band just nailing the lyrics. 

A alien crewmate walking in to find that one of their human crewmates are trying extremely hard to sing this song that, as far as anyone could tell, isn’t possible for them to do but What would you Know they’re getting better and better and might just be able to Do It

People who are singers have to have amazing breath control because of famously long notes in various songs and are able hold them and keep on going where as a human who doesn’t have that same kind of practice or an alien that just might not be able to do it it would be really impressed at this. 

idk man just, intergalactic music