All It Takes Is One Small Trigger. And I'm In A Shit Mood For Awhile. And I Have No Idea How To Change

From what I’ve read and observed, bipolar symptoms exist on a spectrum. Using these charts inspired by @levianta’s graphics about autism, you can visualize the extremity of every symptom you experience. As an example, here is a chart visualizing how i personally experience hypomania:

Schizo Spectrum Disorders + Disorganised Speech

People in the schizo spectrum can be hard or sometimes frustrating to talk to. People who are uninformed about schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders can mistake this as rudeness, silliness, or inebriation but it’s actually one of the symptoms of a debilitating mental disorder. 

Disorganised speech often occurs in a schizophrenic person leaving their speech short, baffling or incomprehensible. It can display itself as random topic changes, gibberish, slurring, making up random words, word salad, and rapid and incoherent speech which makes the person hard to understand. 

I complied a list of  speech/thought disorders found in people on the schizophrenic spectrum with some basic definitions.

Most of these can be found in other mental disorders and you should bring it up with your doctor if you experience any of these often, without your control and without cause or stimulant (i.e. drug use, drunkenness, lack of sleep etc.)

ALOGIA

also known as poverty of speech. this is when there’s a lack of spontaneous speech. it can display itself in short and monosyllabic responses that trail off or end by the second syllable. it leads to an inability to make small talk or carry on simple conversation. in extreme cases it can even lead to partial mutism

( e.g. person 1: “hey how’s it going?”

person 2: “fine.”

person 1: “what do you want for dinner?”

person 2: [shrugs]

person 1: maybe we should go out, get chinese.

person 2: [shrugs]

person 1: do you want something else

person 2: no )

ECHOLALIA

this is the repetition of noises/words/phrases/sentences made by another person. persons experiencing echolalia often repeats questions or sentences directed to them and can make it difficult to carry on a conversation

( e.g. person 1: i have to go to the bathroom

person 2: go to the bathroom

person 1: can you watch my purse for me?

person 2: watch my purse for me

person 1: why are you doing that?

person 2: why am i doing that? )

THOUGHT BLOCKING

this is when there’s an abrupt pause in someone’s train of thought wherein the person often forgets the original topic. it can lead to multiple topics being covered in one sentence or to an unexpected and abrupt end to a conversation mid sentence

( e.g. i like that new song by [pause] … i wish i didn’t cut my hair. )

CLANGING

this is speech characterised by compulsive grouping of words by rhyming or alliteration. there’s no logic or reason in this sort of speech

( e.g. we have to go get green grass grisly grey. (or) when will we wait with words which wing were whims? )

NEOLOGISM

this is the creation of new words often in the form of gibberish or nonsense babbling. it can happen as full sentences or a normal sentence that veers off into it 

( e.g. meaning to say “i want to go to sleep i’m tired” and actually saying “i want to go to sleep illa craviges”)

SCHIZOPHASIA/WORD SALAD

this is a bunch of random words strung together to no reason or purpose and while it can sometimes be vaguely related to the topic at hand, it comes out in a confusing array of disconnected words

( e.g. i want to get the purple apple match from the towel chair )

PRESSURE OF SPEECH

this is rapid paced, erratic, frantic speech. it’s usually loud and frenzied. it’s almost impossible to get the person experiencing it to pause and the listener will most likely not get a word in edgewise. 

PERSEVERATION

this is the repetition of one word or phrase over and over after they’ve ceased to be relevant or appropriate to the situation. 

( e.g. person 1: i’m going to take a walk in the park later

person 2: walk in the park

person 1: do you wanna come with?

person 2: walk in the park

[20 minutes later]

person 1: i’m gonna put on the kettle. do you want some tea?

person 2: walk in the park

NOTE: feel free to reblog whether or not you’re on the spectrum or have any mental illnesses at all. way too many people assume that schizo spectrum people are just rude or belligerent or mocking or joking when we’re really just exhibiting symptoms of our disorder.

The whole self love thing is good and all but some people can’t fathom being loved. They can’t imagine there being anything good about them. So they can’t simply just stop doing unhealthy things, there’s a process.

When the fuck did the social model of disability go from "the way society is structured makes disabled people's lives harder than they have to be" to "the only thing wrong with you is capitalism"?????

I still catch myself thinking things like “but at least I wasn’t homeless” and “at least I wasn’t parentless” when I think about my abusive childhood. But then there’s voice inside of my head, reminding me. 

“Hey, you lived terrified of being thrown out on the street and left to starve to death. You were reminded almost every day that you are going to be abandoned and left for dead unless you do everything you’re told, and be useful enough to keep alive. Remember when you were 14 and you spend entire day painting and re-painting a wooden garage, and you were crying entire time? Nobody even looked at you. You weren’t allowed to stop, and you weren’t allowed to cry out loud. It was just silent tears all day. You had to do it if you wanted to live. And it was like that every day, no matter if you were sick, wounded, upset, dying inside - you had to work if you wanted to deserve to eat. You watched this family be family without you, how many times were you crying silently just listening them all laugh in the living room, having a good time, and you couldn’t join because they would all start insulting you and glaring at you if you did? You watched your mom hug your siblings and she wouldn’t hug you. You were convinced day after day that you were lazy, worthless, vermin and a burden on everyone around you. You were beaten, slapped, threatened, screamed at, insulted, attacked and picked up by your hair when someone wanted to take their anger out on you. You were scared of getting killed by violence, because you knew if they killed you, they would all say you deserved it, and were asking for it. Like they always did after hurting you. You were denied privacy, resources, safety and freedom. You were sexually abused at the age of 7. Nobody cared.  You started having panic attacks at the age of 16. Nobody cared. They all knew you were cutting yourself by the time you went to high school. They laughed at you.  And the worst is, you cared. You cared about all of them. You would never do anything to hurt or damage any of them. You were there for anything they needed. You were betrayed and kept in this state by those you loved. Your heart was so heavy - and still is, you feel physical pain in it for the most of time. You have ptsd now. You can’t work. You can’t even look at yourself and examine the damage done to you because it’s too much of a shock and you can’t endure the pain of knowing it. I don’t think it actually gets that much worse than that. You don’t have to compare it to anything.”

I’m empty like there’s nothing left in me I’m a fucking ghost but suffering

i really wish i was easier to love

Cluster B Personality Disorder Mambo

Do you have a personality disorder? OOOR do you not have one, but want to learn about us? NOWS YA CHANCE

This server is for those with cluster B personality disorders, or those who wish to learn more about them. If you do not have a personality disorder please be respectful. Thusly, the server welcomes those with ASPD, NPD, HPD, and BPD. When joining the server please state your personality disorder (or lack there of) and your preferred pronouns so you can get the proper tags. Must be +18

Things that should be obvious but I gotta say:

must be +18

No ableism

No homophobia/transphobia/terfs/antisemitism/racism/binarists/transmeds

please respect trigger words. To know them check the trigger word channel

enjoy, and welcome!

https://discord.gg/KrZnUF8

it would've been better for everyone if I had stopped having a heartbeat years ago

one of the biggest struggles of being borderline, at least in my experience, is that i hate the idea of using my disorder as an excuse.

i don’t think that a lot of people realize that having a personality disorder means that EVERYTHING i do is because of that disorder. every emotion and behavior comes from it, and i have to actively correct and change my responses and cognitions regularly to keep myself in line.

so it’s hard, because you spend your whole life trying to function normally, because you CAN if you really really try. and people are okay with you having bpd, until you actually present a symptom. but if i get irrationally angry, i can’t say “it’s because i have bpd,” because it will come off as an excuse, even though that’s honestly why. i don’t KNOW why i’m so upset about this, i don’t KNOW why my mood dropped so quickly or why i want to die on days when nothing bad has happened. the only response is because i’m borderline.

but it’s just an excuse, or people think it’s a crutch, and so you have this diagnosis that explains everything about you, but you can’t use it to explain why you do things. not the way that you can explain that you’re sneezing so much because you have a cold, or you can’t eat ice cream because you’re lactose intolerant. those actions or avoidances are because of health problems that people are okay with. you explain that this is why you are doing or not doing something, and they’re grateful to have an explanation. but it’s not like that for us. we suffer in silence so we aren’t seen as manipulative or just unwilling to change. and it isn’t fair.