I Had A Premonition Dream Of Mr Jones I Dated Summer ‘23. It Was Truly The White Trash Love Fantasy
i had a premonition dream of mr jones i dated summer ‘23. it was truly the white trash love fantasy i always wanted. sucked it didn’t last longer.
but i had a dream jacob and i were putting art in the back of my car, paintings. at nighttime. real late at nightt. in an urban environment. i felt uneasy because it was late.
fast forward, i saw a gun and immediately jolted up. awake.
but what did it mean.
i didn’t carry art or paintings in my car for several months. i interpreted it i would get robbed while paintings were in my car.
looking back, i did get robbed in the end.
once i got closer to meeting my prince of cane run, i was confused. i hadn’t been talking to jacob. but i couldn’t help but think about the dream more and more. it was close to manifesting.
one night in old louisville, the dream comes true.
the baron of pleasure ridge,
side to side, with the prince of cane road. they put a painted, old
ikea bed headboard
in the back of my 2008 kia suv. it’s midnight.
*britney spears voice* holy fuck balls. i turn from my trunk, take it all in. ethereal. the dream is coming true.
jacob was just a substitute i guess because you can’t dream a face you haven’t seen. and they both were bottoms who couldn’t keep up the act. jacob sure ain’t shively though. cane run and i shared toxic habits and played a long game of cat and mouse, ensuing the borderline disorderly explosion. or episode.
but truthfully i see it was message from universe ou spirit, that i could not successfully integrate my drug addiction or drug use like i had been trying.
the best i could hope for was a sexy overweight but psychotically unstable, south side BOTTOM. bear. on drugs. security guard. bitch ass [REDACTED].
the end of the dream signaled the end of my summer fling, the summer i turned 27. the summer i became a MAN. jk unless.
on a warm, late june afternoon. my dad and three of his friends surround me, as we ascend his front yard. we walk up the pebbled concrete steps.
Lee knocks on the front door. we’re at the house of the man who had just held me hostage. bruised my neck. the week of our birthdays. odd timing. i have a bad history with birthdays though.
(psych ward @ 21)
we hear a bullet enter a chamber. cocked.
time to go.
More Posts from Moonsquaremars and Others
every month is no nut november for me, seeing as i am allergic to almonds [they make me guts feel like they are at war].
Abstaining during “No Nut November” is going to be a struggle.
I really want to show my support for those with nut allergies. But, I also fucking love cashews.
Life in the shadows
I am like the others
My blood and my ideas
Correction does not evade me
Use your own judgment
He hides between the walls
of this old building
The flowing road. 1912. Cover detail.
Internet Archive
I've had an extremely turbulant emotional life, which I can attribute to many different astrological aspects + placements I have.
It's been strange coming to discover as I get older how much of my world is inside my head, though. How many times I've assumed something, had meltdowns, only to later find out 90% of it was in my own head.
Moon square mars, like my blog suggests. My other blog was sunsextilemoon, but after tumblr flagged my account for adult content, I figured it was best to start over so I could still have reach.
Moon square mars makes one passionate and headstrong. I read that it is similar to the relationship between Cancer and Aries. Cancer, the emotionally nurturing, sensitive, going head to head with the impulsive and self expressive Aries. Aries was always one of my least favorite signs. My sun is in cancer, and moon in virgo. I've always been surrounded by Saggitarius, that's my favorite sign. But I always saw aries as childish and insensitive. I had a roommate, coworker, and someone who has become a best friend who is an aries. So my aries prejudice has been tamed a bit.
I would attribute my intense anger problems to my moon square mars. I don't struggle with it so much anymore, but as a kid, if somebody accidentally hurt me, I would come back at them twice as hard. Like ruthless. I also constantly struggle, on a day to day basis, with this inner conflict between what I 'feel' like I need to do, vs what I want to do. I usually let want win. Sometimes I can get too lost in my feelings, I guess because of my 12th house sun.
Moon Square Pluto.
This aspect I think gets me in a lot of trouble. It's not intentional, of course. But I definitely feel the emotional block. I will be fine, things will be going alright, then out of nowhere, a wave will come and completely knock me off balance. I'll get so overwhelmed and almost hysterical. Sometimes just super moody. and then when it's over, I'm like, what the hell happened? there doesn't seem to be a concrete cause or trigger. It just happens. I'm 27 and it still just happens.
The 12th house placement I think is a blessing and a curse. I sense the strangest of things, and have spiritual gifts. but I've been to the psych ward more times than I can count, and my daddy a crackhead who is also a 12th house sun. I love him of course, but the 12th house energy is obvious. His house has a feeling of being a hut on a deserted island, yet it's in the middle of a subdivision surrounded by other houses. He just gives me tom hanks castaway vibes, even when he's surrounded by society.
I take various drugs and medications to help tame my turbulant emotions and achieve my goals. I do weed often, because it helps with my temper. I'm also extremely impatient. I feel like weed puts me in touch with my moon. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but when your moon squares your mars and your pluto, it can cause some problems.
I also have Sun Square Saturn, which quite honestly, is a PAINFUL placement.
I've had terrible, terrible, terrible depression for most of my life. Completely sucks the life out of me. Apparently saturn can deplete the energy of the sun, and I get depleted baby.
I went to a church service on time, and the preacher said something about "misery being a ship that needs to set sail, instead of being avoided" and that really healed me. I feel like I got so scared of my depression, my own mind and thoughts, I would run around manicly just doing WHATEVER I could so I would not feel that way anymore. I was so scared of it. But sometimes you just have to sit with yourself and your emotions, and grit your teeth.
In all I feel like my sun sextile my moon really saves me. It gives a balanced personality, since the ego and the emotional nature are in such harmony. It's funny because my dad, close friends, and boyfriends almost always have sun trine moon. My little sister also has sun sextile moon. If it weren't for this, I'd probably be much worse off...
Frederick Judd Waugh (American,1861-1940)
The Setting Sun
Oil on panel
buachaill tíre Rí Ceilteach Rwy'n dy garu di
Cybercafé à Paris (1995)
My Folly With The Mormon Church
You gave me purpose for so long. You solved my existential fears until I was forced to outgrow them. However the surrounding chaos, the plagues of my mind.
I surrender. I had to the first time. My father told me from a young age the importance of asking Christ to be saved, or you will be doomed to hell for eternity if you die. That’s pretty heavy for a five year old. I was spooked.
The second time was when I was thrown into the deep end after graduating high school. THE KIDS WERE NOT ALRIGHT. I was a mess.
Ill-prepared, temperamental, homosexual. Frustrated at the world. Frustrated with what was promised to me. My social realities just differed. My social life and upbringing. What was within reach. My stomping grounds. The struggles I had to face with from my home, against my will or control.
The Mormon Church gave me an answer.
Gave me a sense of purpose, sense, reasoning. After all, what could be more important than one’s eternal salvation. I came to the conclusion that homosexuality statistically had to be morally corrupt due to its widespread attitude across cultures and countries. Hell, I read even the Buddhists didn’t support all at. Damn. Even the Buddhists hate me ???
If all we got is Ancient Rome & Greece backing us, I hate to admit we’re doomed. Look at their fates. Maybe I am just a pawn for the demoralization of American society. Being working class is just a double wammy.
Admittedly though, two very close people to me died actually, and they were how I would’ve considered ‘privileged’. Private schools, even fencing lessons.
But they got clipped by God’s Own Hand. He ain’t take me out for some reason yet. I sure have been hoping though, deep down. I guess you could say that’s a source of my self sabotage. And the fear. Oh the fear. The fear of being myself, because it’s morally incorrect and of eternal consequence. Or the fear that was quite literally in my face. Mothertruckers would knock me out around here. I’m an effiminate white boy in an industrialized, working class urban environment.
With unhealthy coping strategies. Maybe that’s why I joined some strange religion, and made it my entire f***ng identity. Now at the ripe, very adult of 28, I ain’t got my cuteness as a defense for much longer.
Not that that necessarily saves you in America anyhow. You could die in a mass shooting in a grocery store. It really is wild like that out here. I think it does something to your psyche.
MY RETURN OF SATURN ♄ ༝༚༝༚
When I read that Saturn in the 9th House Natives (in Kentucky we would say was instead of were, but I’ll speak proper) were energetically attracted to more Traditional types of religions. My jaw bout near dropped. I kinda felt called out. How this book gonna tell me about myself like that?
I was irked. But it only furthered my belief in the ancient art of the stars. You can’t really argue with what’s right in front of you. And I, p
Pause. Had to start playing Saturn by Sza.
Alright. This stream of conciousness has been cathartic but it’s time I focus on the big idea. My health. My future. Rules change as you get older. Adult problems aren’t kid problems. I gotta get real with how my choices and actions have consequences. The strength of my youth is fading. My breathing is getting bad from years of smoking, vaping, clubbing and gaying. It’s time to retreat and try to find redemption from my mistakes of my 20s. I learned lessons. As 2 Chains said it best, I’m Diffrent..
