Sun In 12th - Blog Posts

"There are no secrets!"

I blurt out at the dinner table. We are at my Great Aunt Linda's, in Somerset, Kentucky, for our annual family holiday get together. My cousin Brenda gives me a look I've never seen before. She looks at me like I'm an absolute lunatic. Like I just cut off the cat's head and am growling maniacally while its corpse drips blood from my jaw.

Only, that wasn't quite the case. In fact, I don't think anything I did or said deserved this kind of reaction. You see, I was 19 years old, and it was the year after my first year of college. My father and I had gotten into a nasty fight, but we hadn't discussed it yet. I said something to him about it in front of the whole family. Bad timing, I guess.

But in my mind, if in heaven or the afterlife, everything would be known -- why lie or try to cover things up in the present?

Welcome to the world of the 1 2 t h H a u s

The watery, elusive ocean. Where the ego, the self, individuality, becomes a mere drop in a vast sea. And the certain, reliable structures and fortitudes of material reality dissolve into a schizoaffective mod-podge of reality.

In astrology, the 12th house represents the end of the karmic zodiac wheel. It starts with Aries and the 1st house, then travels all the way around, till you end up with Pisces & the 12th. It rules over areas of life such as prisons, insane asylums, monestaries, rehabs, psych wards. Who wouldn't want to have their Sun sign there? Or Moon?

As you may be aware, the 12th house doesn't have the greatest of reputations. Planets here are elusive, hidden, not easily accessed. Like a monk, far away on a foggy, hilly terrain. With no cell phone or 2023 MacBook Air. Or a prisoner who lost his mind and is locked away for the rest of their life. Geez. At least something beautiful I heard about prisons and the 12th house, is that spiritually speaking, prisons and institutions are meant to save you from yourself.

Meaning, you can't harm others and create more karma for yourself when you're locked up. In practice though.... Prisons are pretty violent. But I've never been to prison. I have, however, been in and out of the psych ward for much of the beginning of my adult life.

It was mostly because of suicidal depression. Enter nervous breakdown from the immense pressure of being away from home in a small town for my first year of college. Being gay. Working class. It was a mess. What I thought would be an easy four year finish with a high paying job waiting for me, turned into a dead end. Nervous breakdown, bipolar diagnosis, joined a strange new religion (Hi Mormons <3) I took the Spring semester off after a week-long stint in the local psych ward. It would've been shorter, had they believed me about my throat hurting. I had tonsolitis.

Well, in my time away from school, I realized how s p i r i t u a l I was. I wanted to find the meaning of life. The right path. I researched and found that most religions didn't support homosexuality. Which sucked, because I was already out and had a boyfriend in high school. But I was raised by a paranoidly religious father in the Southern Baptist faith, and I had a fear of going to Hell. I also had a lot of toxic masculinity ideals internalized.

Eventually, I join the Mormon Church, but realize even among other church members, I was different. For instance, one afternoon on my porch at my Grandmas in Kentucky, I was praying/meditating -- all of a sudden, I just felt so transcendentally connected to the land. I imagined Native Americans on the hills by my house. It was an odd feeling. Dimensional.

At Church, I could see auras and glowing light emanating from other members, when they went up to the podium to bear their testimony. I found out later there was another kid in church who could see the same golden light. Most people didn't, though.

I would later read that people with Saturn in 9th house individuals are drawn to conservative religions such as Judaism, Catholicism, and Mormonism. I laughed and put the book down after I read that. The LDS Church was so important to me from 18-21. I was devastated when I had to choose being authentic to myself as a gay man over my religion. I really lost meaning and hope and drive, for my life.

The 12th house.

My father also has a twelfth house sun. Isn't that odd?

That we both have Sun in the 12th house. The issue is, I don't want to be like my father. I appreciate him, sure. Of course. But he acts a bit like a man lost at sea on a deserted island. His house a shack he built out of random wood. His best friend a volleyball. Except all of this while he's living in the middle of suburbia. That is the vibe, I fear.

I love him, I do. I also blame all the earth energy in his natal chart. I mean come on, the man quite literally ONLY has earth signs in his chart. Like no other element. What the hell?

So it leaves me to wonder.

How do us 12th house natives navigate the foggy, uncertain waters? How do we stay sane in a material world, when the veil is so thin to the other side? How do we find meaning and reason in a material, hostile world, when the peace and happiness of Heaven is right there, waiting for us?

Really, I must know. I'm almost 30. And I'm afraid I'm missing my moment. I want to be successful, but lately, every well I seem to throw my bucket down, turns out to be dry. I've fallen for the illusions long enough -- the only issue is, I can never tell what illusions I'm falling for until after the fact.

I didn't realize how crazy I was when I was younger when I was acting crazy. It was other peoples reactions, and my many, many, many psych ward visits that I realized I might not be the best suited for this world. It's so mean spirited, individualistic. I don't know how to cope or manage. Maybe this is the doom, the destiny, of my Sun in 12th house.

If I was a 3rd House Sun, I would be a writer or a journalist or a teacher. A 4th house Sun, a stay at home mom or run a daycare. A 9th house Sun, I'd be a professor or a travel agent or a psychaitrist.

What does a 12th house sun become? Shamanistic Healer?

I have no idea how to do that, and I've got bills, honey!

Oh, the 12th House.

Sometime between middle and high school, I had a dream. I was using Tumblr, logging on, and seeing what other people were saying. There had been some catastrophe, and not everyone had the internet. It wasn't guaranteed. But I somehow had access to the internet, and I logged onto Tumblr through my TV. People hadn't posted in weeks, months.

I thought it was weird that I was scrolling through Tumblr on my TV. This was 2010. It wasn't a flat screen. It was big and chunky and a box. These days, you can check Tumblr on a TV. Technology has come a long way. Airplay. Screensharing. Smartphones.

Could that dream have been a premonition? Of the decline in use of Tumblr over the years. I had just discovered Tumblr in the 8th grade. I was one of the first users, back when hipsters and mustache and converse pictures were just about to become the rage. Myspace was still around, though becoming a graveyard more and more by the month. Scene kids never die though. Rawr :]

~

What could the dream have meant? Perhaps that TV would be my own demise? My armageddon?

When I first read about the 12th house, I was a first-year at Centre College. The 'best' college in Kentucky. Private, small, liberal arts college with a hefty endowment. Most people have never heard of it. So much for the prestige and recognition.

I read Liz Green's article about the 12th house. I had just started getting into astrology. I'm smart. Was an IB / International Baccalaureate student at one of the best high school's in the city. But astrology gave my little 18 year old mind & heart some peace of mind. Homework and ambition can only do so much.

Harvard. Thanks to Gossip Girl, Brown University became my dream school. I applied Early Admission, seeing as the acceptance rate was slightly higher, and I thought my desire and longing to be upper class would carry the weight for my acceptance. AAAANNNHHHH!!!! Nope. Try again. You were just an above average student, thought not straight As or rich and well connected. Of course, this got my admittance to other good schools. Just not an Ivy. You probably would have hated it anyway, seeing as you had a nervous breakdown your second semester into college. And that was only two hours away from home! :) Rhode Island? not a chance.

My intuition told me not to go to Centre. But my ego persisted. I wanted to go to the best school in Kentucky, and I wouldn't settle for less.

I got so drunk the weekend I visited campus my senior year. The guy blamed himself for letting me get carried away. But I knew what I was doing. Granted I didn't mean to get that fucked up. But I wanted to get drunk. My bad homes.

-

So, I wanted the conventionally successful life. I did. Graduate college in four years, maybe be a banker or something. Make money. It really seemed so simple to me. Then my life became a living hell. Torture. I became so reclusive. Would walk around in the night, and miss my classes in the morning. I had no money. No car. Surrounded by strangers, rich strangers, in a small town two hours from home.

I fell apart.

I ended up in the Psych ward for a week. Took the rest of the semester off to join a new religion, the Mormons. Came back the next Fall only to be completely miserable again in a couple weeks time.

I guess I just thought I could handle it. I wasn't disciplined enough to stick it out. I was crazy enough that it became too difficult.

I was in fact crazy. I didn't realize it at the time. I do now. It's why I blacked out all those years.

Thanks, 12th house.

The 12th house in Astrology. The house of Psych wards, Prisons, Monestaries, Rehabs. A single drop of water in the vast vast ocean.

The unconscious. Spirituality. Bipolar disorder. Photography. Drugs. Weird religion. Gay.

Boy, I had it in for me. All things considered.

I realized though, my dad's Sun was also in the 12th house. Mine and his. So I guess we asked for this. We're in this together. Two wackos.

Great.... :(

I guess what they say is true.

The 12th house makes you crazy. I'm living proof. But it also gave me psychic powers. Gifts. The days you feel like you are completely drowning, though, are the worst.

I've had an extremely turbulant emotional life, which I can attribute to many different astrological aspects + placements I have.

It's been strange coming to discover as I get older how much of my world is inside my head, though. How many times I've assumed something, had meltdowns, only to later find out 90% of it was in my own head.

Moon square mars, like my blog suggests. My other blog was sunsextilemoon, but after tumblr flagged my account for adult content, I figured it was best to start over so I could still have reach.

Moon square mars makes one passionate and headstrong. I read that it is similar to the relationship between Cancer and Aries. Cancer, the emotionally nurturing, sensitive, going head to head with the impulsive and self expressive Aries. Aries was always one of my least favorite signs. My sun is in cancer, and moon in virgo. I've always been surrounded by Saggitarius, that's my favorite sign. But I always saw aries as childish and insensitive. I had a roommate, coworker, and someone who has become a best friend who is an aries. So my aries prejudice has been tamed a bit.

I would attribute my intense anger problems to my moon square mars. I don't struggle with it so much anymore, but as a kid, if somebody accidentally hurt me, I would come back at them twice as hard. Like ruthless. I also constantly struggle, on a day to day basis, with this inner conflict between what I 'feel' like I need to do, vs what I want to do. I usually let want win. Sometimes I can get too lost in my feelings, I guess because of my 12th house sun.

Moon Square Pluto.

This aspect I think gets me in a lot of trouble. It's not intentional, of course. But I definitely feel the emotional block. I will be fine, things will be going alright, then out of nowhere, a wave will come and completely knock me off balance. I'll get so overwhelmed and almost hysterical. Sometimes just super moody. and then when it's over, I'm like, what the hell happened? there doesn't seem to be a concrete cause or trigger. It just happens. I'm 27 and it still just happens.

The 12th house placement I think is a blessing and a curse. I sense the strangest of things, and have spiritual gifts. but I've been to the psych ward more times than I can count, and my daddy a crackhead who is also a 12th house sun. I love him of course, but the 12th house energy is obvious. His house has a feeling of being a hut on a deserted island, yet it's in the middle of a subdivision surrounded by other houses. He just gives me tom hanks castaway vibes, even when he's surrounded by society.

I take various drugs and medications to help tame my turbulant emotions and achieve my goals. I do weed often, because it helps with my temper. I'm also extremely impatient. I feel like weed puts me in touch with my moon. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but when your moon squares your mars and your pluto, it can cause some problems.

I also have Sun Square Saturn, which quite honestly, is a PAINFUL placement.

I've had terrible, terrible, terrible depression for most of my life. Completely sucks the life out of me. Apparently saturn can deplete the energy of the sun, and I get depleted baby.

I went to a church service on time, and the preacher said something about "misery being a ship that needs to set sail, instead of being avoided" and that really healed me. I feel like I got so scared of my depression, my own mind and thoughts, I would run around manicly just doing WHATEVER I could so I would not feel that way anymore. I was so scared of it. But sometimes you just have to sit with yourself and your emotions, and grit your teeth.

In all I feel like my sun sextile my moon really saves me. It gives a balanced personality, since the ego and the emotional nature are in such harmony. It's funny because my dad, close friends, and boyfriends almost always have sun trine moon. My little sister also has sun sextile moon. If it weren't for this, I'd probably be much worse off...

i’m looking at his natal chart. even though we aren’t together anymore, i can’t help myself. i’m still struggling to make sense of everything that has happened, but i’m slowly accepting distance as the reality. there’s just something about him.

we both have five planets in retrograde. his are the outers. i have venus, no saturn, plus chiron or something. i’ve always liked the fact i have a lot of retrograde planets, and most people don’t have more than one or two. our charts really are like a mirror.

i found the source for his violence and emotional power games. it’s his mars conjunct saturn, both in twelfth house. i admire him for that. since my sun is there, i’m no judge of the chaos the 12th house brings. i seem to live in it and enjoy it. our relationship was quite twelfth house after all.

but supposedly mars & saturn connections can bring a penchant for harshness and cruelty. quite frankly, that kinda turns me on. i do have a bunch of squares to my moon & pluto after all. i thought the arguments we had were fun. i have a gemini stellium and he has a gemini moon. it wasn’t fun and games for him though unfortunately.

i remember when i saw his qi energy one day in his back yard. qi energy is something i see on people sometimes, like their spirit energy. for him, it was a quick glimpse like the right side of his face was rotting. his eyeball was missing and it was like creepy. it was quite scary come to think of it, but somehow it transferred a light to me. and i don’t recall feeling too scared by it.

but after that, i began seeing a light in other peoples eyes occasionally. it was like a “hey, i’m here for you. i’m not judging you” kind of light. i think me seeing his qi energy gave me that light, to help me move forward when i get so depressed. and as i would come to find out, the 8th house is the house of “rot”. and he was my eighth house sun.

Astrological Analysis of my new Relationship

Ok, so to the left is my natal chart, and to the right is the natal chart of the new guy I've been seeing. We met about six years ago at a bathhouse, and lost contact. We reunited this past September, and the ball got rolling.

We had really great sex, and we have a lot in common. We enjoy each other's company. Oddly, he reminds me of my friend who just committed suicide a few months ago. It's like the universe is still providing that energy for me now that my friend Brad is gone.

I'll call new guy Mr. Mouse. One of my nicknames for him is Millionaire Mouse, cuz he's a millionaire and he reminds me of a mouse lol. He's very kind and sweet, not pushy at all. Sometimes too sweet. But after what I've been through, that's not so bad.

Immediately while looking at his chart, it's interesting. It has a lot going on. It looks like a diamond. And all that checks out, cuz his life is anything but boring. I told him my chart is the shell, and his chart is the pearl that fits inside.

I'm still not over 8th house sun, but I'm not holding my breath for him any longer. We still talk occasionally, I still love him, but it looks like he is gonna have to take the back burner.

I really hesitated doing my synastry chart with Mr. Mouse, because I didn't want him to have more key aspects than 8th House Man. Part of me still believes I will end up with him, and I didn't want to entertain the idea of anyone else replacing him or having more key aspects than he has. 8th house has one key aspect, as does Mr. Mouse. Unfortunately, the key aspect for 8 isn't exactly a positive one, but Mouse's is. So both men who I have been torn between only have one key aspect in our synastry.

I'm not sure how to interpret this, because other partner's I've had have had more keys, but then again, my relationships with them didn't last anyway. It's possible these relationships won't last either. anyways.

The most interesting thing about Mr Mouse's chart is his 12th house moon. My sun is in the 12th house, as is my dad's. 12th house rules monestaries, and he grew up in a small town that is known for its catholic monestary. It makes sense I would end up there, living with him. I think it will be a very healthy change of pace for me. The city has gotten so toxic and overwhelming.

Another interesting thing is that he has Sun trine Moon natally. My dad has that aspect, my best friend patrick, and most of my ex boyfriends have had that placement for some reason. My sun sextiles my moon and my little sister has the same placement. It's said to make one really agreeable, balanced, and well liked.

Our north nodes are both in libra, and we both have a life path of 7. I used to be extremely ambitious, like capitalist, enterprising, all that stuff. So is he. He built his own company and is a CEO and 'an important person'. I had met rich people before, but dating him has exposed me to mega rich people.... It's been an experience.

To the left is our synastry chart, and to the right is our composite. For those who don't know, synastry is how our charts blend together, the composite chart is the chart for the relationship itself.

It appears his sun lands in my 6th house, which makes sense, cuz he's helping me heal and get solid ground. My sun touches his 9th house, which I guess adds up, cuz I feel like I'm expanding him intelectually. My moon in his 11th house makes total sense, bc of my 11th house stellium, and the fact that I speak french and mandarin is very fascinating and beneficial for him.

As for the composite, our sun is in aries.

this adds up. we've traveled a lot, and our relationship has been pretty fun so far. Oddly, our composite sun is in the 8th house, which is the natal sun of the guy I fell in love with this summer. so it seems the universe is saying something.

I'm definitely getting into my more spiritual, psychic, intuitive side. I saw both men in a dream, before I even met them. I talk in a post about the dream about 8th house man, but after all that bullshxt went down and I was so depressed in july, I had a premonition dream that saw Mr. Mouse.

In the dream, which felt like I was watching a movie in the theaters, was me walking around a very wealthy, well decorated home. I was in a room with no walls, and I was older, and a priest. I thought the dream was telling me that I would be old and wealthy, but then the priest part didn't make any sense. Why would I become a priest? Turns out Mr. Mouse went to seminary to be a catholic priest, and the house I saw was his mother's. The second floor doesn't have windows.

So I've seen both men in a dream. That doesn't help me too much with making a decision. Haha.

These are some of our synastry aspects. The key aspect is positive, and helped me gain clarity on why exactly we are together. We have an age gap, and I hate the way people look at us in public. But I'm also in love with summer boy and hoping he'll come around.

The sexual magnetism is very true. We have so much sex and we don't seem to grow tired of it, yet at least lol.

just another love letter

S Y N C H R O N I C I T Y

i’ve been adept to recognizing synchronicity in my life since i learned what it was, years ago. it’s not exactly a household word, but thankfully enough people know what it is that i’ve had great conversations.

usually when it happens, i feel at ease, and my anxieties wash away, if only for a little while.

in this post, i’ll be talking about all the crazy synchronicities that happened with the guy i was seeing this summer.

it first happened with a visit from a ghost. yes, you read that right. and no, i’m not crazy, and i know it wasn’t a hallucination.

i’ve felt spirits here and there since i was young. sometimes i’m not sure if it’s just a projection of my consciousness, but other times it’s been rather undeniable. this was one of those times.

one example of synchronicity in my life was when i was driving around my neighborhood. i wanted to play a specific CD, but i was driving and i didn’t want to get distracted so i was like oh well. then, out of nowhere, my radio which was turned off, suddenly turns on, and the cd that was in ejects. my radio has never malfunctioned like that before, and hasn’t since. but, taking it as a sign, i pulled over and switched the cds.

now. to the story.

it was a summer day. i was on my phone looking for a hookup online, and i felt a presence outside of my bedroom window. i didn’t recognize it. usually i feel family members or friends who have passed away, but i didn’t know who this was. i shrugged it off and went to go meet up with a guy.

i get to the motel, and he doesn’t show. i get back online, and a guy who has pestered me for years messages me. i give in, for no particular reason. i had been ignoring this guy for a while.

when i get to his house, i know within minutes that i want to marry him. he has a house, is just my type, and there’s other factors i’d rather not get into. but i know almost immediately.

he feels something too. we hit it off, exchange numbers. and i’m back over there the next day. we end up spending every day together for the next two months.

a couple weeks into the relationship, i feel the same spirit that i felt outside my bedroom window. once, outside his bedroom window. and the second time inside his bedroom. perplexed, i eventually make the connection that it is his ex boyfriend who recently passed away.

he told me within the first few days getting to know each other, and he has a picture of him over his bed. i can still feel the grief he has over what had happened. he tells me the exact day it happened, and what ensued.

it’s not until we are sitting on his couch and he shows me a picture of them that i make the connection. the spirit that had been visiting me was tall. his ex was tall. excited, i tell him that i felt a presence that i believed was his ex.

i told him how i believed that he led me to him, since that day i was supposed to meet up with someone else, and it just so happened that it didn’t work out and i ended up going to his place.

i’ve always been a spiritual person. i carry sage and palo santo on me. i saged this guys house, and played youtube videos to raise the aura of his home. i left palo santo on his living room shelf that had pictures and memorabilia of his family members.

i left a cigarette out beneath a photo of his deceased ex, to honor him, and i was very thankful for being brought to this new guy i liked so much. at this point i believed his ex brought me to him to help him with his grief. i would often pray to his ex to decide on what to do, especially later when things got ugly.

through the course of the summer, things got more serious. i started planning a life with him. he was coming over to my house, something which i had never really done before. i live with my grandma and never really brought romantic partners over. he was a first for that, and made me feel like i got the stereotypical high school relationship i never got.

things with him clicked. our sex was electrifying. i never felt that sexually honest and compatible with someone. i would imagine us having sex in so many different locations. i started to see him as a husband.

however, the spirits i had communed with started to give me concern. i’ll get more into that after i discuss the dream.

T H E D R E A M

i’ve had psychic dreams since my early 20s, or so i thought. recently i’ve had two childhood dreams come true. anyway —

i had a dream about a year before i met this guy. i was at my mom’s house, and i remember waking up from it and getting the sense that it was important. it was vivid, and something in me just knew it was important for some reason.

in the dream, i’m behind my car, it’s night time. i’m in a sketchy neighborhood, and jacob, a man who i was intensely in love with, was helping me put art in the back of my car. a painting.

some things happen in between and i don’t remember. the next thing i know, i am sitting or laying and there is a gun. a man with a gun. just before there is a shot, i immediately wake up.

i went downstairs and got some water. over the next few months, i didn’t think too much of the dream. however, it started weighing on me more and more. i stopped traveling with art in my car (i’m an artist and also move between houses, so i often have miscellaneous art). i thought it would mean that i would get robbed.

however, over time i started thinking about jacob. eventually, it got to the point where i was thinking about the dream often. i wouldn’t have art in my car, and if i did, i told myself it couldn’t be about to happen since i hadn’t talked to jacob.

fast forward to meeting the new guy. he was a perfect blend of characteristics that made him suitable to be liked by both of my parents. this was important to me. i saw him as fitting perfectly into my life and my family, and my circle of friends. i was ecstatic.

i had been wanting him to meet my friend nadia. i always introduce new boyfriends to her to get her approval. one night, i tell him we’re going over. i don’t make a big deal about it, it’s casual.

but he puts on jeans. i hadn’t yet seen him wear jeans. he always wore his work uniform, or basketball shorts. i thought it was cute that he wanted to dress up to meet my friend.

the night goes smoothly. we talk and hang out with nadia. she had just moved into the apartment upstairs in her building. i cuddled with him on the couch, with nadia on the other side. another boundary breaking thing, cuz i usually wouldn’t show affection like that in my friends home.

well, we had recently had a falling out with our friend zoe. when i got a new bed, zoe painted my old bed frame and nadia had it hanging above her tv. she said she didn’t want it anymore, and asked me to take it.

thankfully, i had my knight there to help me cuz it was heavy. he carried it to my car while i kept watch. it was dark, around midnight. nadia doesn’t live in the best part of town, and i always had to be cautious and look over my shoulder when leaving her place at night.

we get to my suv, and i open the back hatch. he lifts the painting up, and as he is putting it in the back, it hits me. the dream.

now, i’ve talked to my friends before about my dreams and how they predict the future. the caveat is that i don’t know when it will come true, and i don’t always know which dream.

often times it is just something trivial. like a specific image or detail, but i will run into that specific thing that day and realize i saw it in my dream the night before. or, at times i will have minutes go by and as things are unfolding around me, i realize i had dreamt it the night before. i saw what would happen that day.

i had actually told nadia about this specific dream with the artwork only days before. i was thinking about it so much at this point, but it was bothering me because i couldn’t make sense of it. and i wasn’t in contact with jacob and didn’t foresee that happening anytime soon.

so i run back upstairs and tell her that the dream is coming true. she doesn’t react as strongly as i would like. this is a very big deal to me. after all, i had seen this dream almost a year prior and it was constantly on my mind. it shaped how i acted. i was cautious about having art in my car, cuz i thought i would get robbed while i had art in my car.

i explain to the guy what had happened. how i had seen me and my ex jacob putting art into the back of my car at night time in a sketchy part of town. the reason it was jacob in the dream is because our brain cannot see someone who we haven’t met or seen before. i hadn’t yet met this guy, but i was falling madly in love with him just like i had been in love with jacob. so, jacob just took the visual role of a romantic partner in that dream.

as happy as i was, i became scared. i knew how the dream ended. since the dream had finally began coming true, i unfortunately knew how it ended. and end it did, loyal to the original plot and all.

the ride home, i am terrified. it’s late, and every stop light i am looking around, seeing if anybody is suddenly approaching. homeboy insists that the dream hadn’t come true, cuz he wasn’t jacob. i don’t know if that was rooted in jealousy or what. but it annoyed me. i know what i saw, i knew what had just happened.

over the next couple of weeks i was weary about driving at night. i was expecting to get robbed by a random person on the street. i remember the gun being silver, and i somehow decided i was in the passenger seat in the dream [wow. i’m just realizing this detail was in fact true after all]

so i drive everywhere instead of letting him, like i usually did.

now back to the spirits. i began to sense some issues. as i would lay in his bedroom, one night, i began to feel like extremely hazy. like i was in another dimension, and nothing made sense. it was not a good feeling. it was like there was fog all around his house, and i felt uneasy.

as i prayed to his dead ex like i did, i started to lose trust in what i was really praying to. the stable, reassuring spirit started to become strange. not making sense. acting weird. then, it seemed like it was making fun of me. laughing at me. i stopped trusting it, and became confused.

his ancestors also gave me less confidence. there was a particular spirit, a woman. i see her as short, with brown hair and glasses. she laughs at me. every. single. time. i pray about a decision to make, and all i get is laughter in return. i don’t like it, but i try to ignore it.

fast forward to the end of the relationship.

i wake up on the morning of my birthday, i wake him up to ask if he wants panera. he sounds irritated. his tone starts to escalate, like he is arguing. we hadn’t yet had an argument. whenever i date someone, i always wonder what our first argument will be. i couldn’t figure it out with him, since until this point we had so much emotional rapport.

as he keeps arguing, part of me is like wow. he’s really about to start a fight, our first fight, on my birthday. i don’t quite remember what happens next. i know he’s angry and i’m trying to leave, since nothing i say or do is calming him down. only making it worse.

i go downstairs, and i pray. his ancestors are telling me to get the fuck out of the house immediately. i don’t like this answer. it’s my birthday, and i’m so in love with this guy. part of me doesn’t believe he’ll ruin my birthday, and i don’t want to leave. so i go downstairs to his basement.

he follows, says something irate as he lets the dog out. at this point i just decide to leave. so i pick up a box, and he comes in the room. he’s yelling at me. i’ve never seen him like this, and i don’t think a partner has ever yelled at me like this before. especially over something i wasn’t even sure what it was. and i kept trying to make it better.

he comes over to me and smashes the box out of my hands and onto the floor. he is twice my size, so i begin for the front door. i don’t know what happens next cuz i black it out. but next thing i know i am in my car. he is chasing me, and smashes his hand on my windshield as i speed in reverse out the driveway.

i lay on my bed paralyzed that morning. the panera driver has to come to my grandmas after i explain my situation over a sob filled phone call.

later that day, he texts me. he’s hateful, saying so many insulting things. i have a humiliation kink, so when he starts saying things like faggot and little dick bottom, it turns me on. but the telling me to kill myself hurt.

long story short, i forgive him, even though i’m walking on egg shells around him cuz i’m still not sure what had actually happened. he had told me he had bpd. this must have been an episode. part of his argument was that i didn’t actually care about him, that i was constantly looking for an excuse to get away from him. which wasn’t at all true.

anyway, he ends up doing something evil on his birthday, and it turns into something even more intense. his ancestors told me not to go back to his house, but i did anyway. i was so in love with him, and desperate for connection over what i would learn was from a trauma bond we shared, and i felt like i was losing friends and my ex dennis so i really just needed this new guy.

well, the next episode is on his birthday a few days later. it ends with me having to drive frantically to my father, and he has to drive over to guy’s house with me sitting in the passenger seat. he had locked me out of the house, i had no phone or wallet or any of my belongings that had accumulated at his house. and i had work in an hour.

my dads friends come over and we are standing on his front porch. i had gotten most of my stuff back, except some money and personal belongings he took out of my bag. my dads friends want to get it back. next thing we know, we hear a bullet enter a chamber, and hear a gun cock behind the front door.

this was the end of the dream. not only was he the one who helped me put paintings in the back, but he was also the one with the gun.

• • • /synchronicity

now i am a very forgiving person, especially in love. call it toxic, naive, or foolish. maybe you’re right. but i also don’t care.

i still pursued this guy. after all, i was convinced his dead ex brought me to him. we had trauma bonded. we had amazing sex. he was perfect, and if he was willing to go to therapy and not be domestic abusive again, i didn’t see the problem. he was just showing me how physically strong he was lol hehe jk unless

but we never went back to how we were.

he never blew up at me like that again. the few times i would go over there were tame. though, he was now closed off to me. not friendly like he had been. wouldn’t kiss me. was mean.

after deciding one day that that was it, that i was moving on and completely forgetting about him —

the strangest thing happened. taco bell gave me a mountain dew.

/ / N U M B E R S

i often looked to triple numbers to make sense of the world around me. if i got it on a receipt, or looked at the clock and saw it — it was a reassurance that i was doing something right. however, there was one set of numbers that i saw a little too frequently. numbers i didn’t like, and every time i saw them, which was often, i would get unsettled.

those numbers were 911.

now if you are to comprehend my insistence that this relationship worked out, you need to understand how much i relied on seeing triple numbers, amongst other things, such as deja vu, to reassure me that i was treading smoothly in life.

however i often saw 9:11. i realized it about five or six years ago. i would look at the clock and it would be 9:11, a little more often than normal. then it happened often. sometimes multiple times in the same week. it frightened me.

but with my knight of the summer, i thought it all made sense. i was seeing 9:11 because he used to be a police officer. that was a reason i fell in love with him. i thought it was so sexy.

all those years of seeing 911 constantly, was just the universe telling me that my police officer was waiting for me.

i believed this wholeheartedly. i wouldn’t give up. if he was the one i loved & desired, literally lead to me from a ghost, with the universe telling me for years that he was waiting or me and i just didn’t know it. i thought he was the one. my soul mate. THE soulmate.

but it all came crashing down.

and i decided. after i had had enough, after weeks of trying to get back the man i knew before those two episodes. i finally had it. and made the mental decision to leave him the fuck alone and move on.

then i go to taco bell. i go multiple times a week, often using mobile app to order ahead. i love taco bell and anybody close to me knows that. and they almost never get my order wrong. sometimes they give me a different flavor tea if they are out of dragon paradise, but even that was rare.

so the day after i decide i give up on mr shadow of the summer. taco bell messes up my order, and gives me a large mountain dew.

his favorite soft drink.

you can imagine my fury. he drank mountain dew all the time. at this point, when i saw it, i thought of him. i don’t like the drink. i never drink it, ever. the last time i did i was probably 7 years old. but he drank it all the time.

and so now the day after i decide to give up and move on, taco bell, which never really messes up my order, all of a sudden hands me his favorite drink. i was fucking pissed.

i considered giving it back. going back and saying something. hey assholes, thanks for messing up my order and giving me my now ex’s favorite soft drink ? the day after i decide i no longer want to pursue him ? makes no sense. and i’m thirsty. so i drink the damn mountain dew. and i am so mad about it.

genuinely mad. genuinely mad that he was dangled right in front of me, then snatched away like that. so, i try to do the right thing and stay away from him. AND THEN THE MOUNTAIN DEW. are you kidding me!

well, that’s all i have for now. currently i am not in contact with him, but i have gone over a couple times since mountain dew incident. i drank that whole thing.

but i decided that the spirit who visited me was la santa muerte. i had a candle i bought in chicago, cuz i heard about santa muerte in a tv show. i assume santa muerte was showing me the dangers of the trauma bond that connected me and homeboy. that’s the only sense i can make from this.

also, i saw a guy who looked JUST like his dead ex on grindr. same hair color, facial shape and features. i ask if his name is ____ and he replies yes. so i go off thinking he lied about his ex dying. then the dude does a 180° and says that i have him confused with someone else. so either it’s a strange coincidence that someone is walking around with the same name and face as his ex, or he lied about that being his name. or i don’t even know what.

most people will probably just think i’m crazy. and i guess i am. but i experienced all of these things.

- november 2023

中文艺术我做了

第一个是精神疾病。常常是我的生活负担。每个人的生活有问题。我是一样。

第二个是期限。大学，上班，都很忙。总是有期限。没有够的轻松，安全时间。紧张。

[au début d’éditer, j’ai presque utilisé l’anglais « win at any cost » mais à la fin j’ai pensé que le français a un air plus intéressant. ]

第三个是错觉。经常我觉得别的人错觉我。想想错的东西。哎呀

第四个是。。。我不知道。可能还没有完了哈哈

Hello everyone here is some artwork i made in chinese. enjoy responsibly

first one is ‘mental illness’

second is deadline - stress of being in school and working at the same time. win at any cost.

third is misperception • partly influenced by my late friend brad who had schizophrenia bipolar. but often i feel others misperceive me in a social context. like who i am, what kind of person i am.

fourth — just a fun lil edit

c’est tout pour maintenant. merci !

psych ward chic • 精神病房魅力

⋆⁺₊⋆ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ ⋆⁺₊⋆

ASTRO OBERVAciones

merc in gemini gives someone wit.

merc in 11th can indicate being good in foreign languages

cancers have a little walk they do. like they kinda scuffle, move slow. cancers give themselves away to me by their walk.

cancers also have a distinct mouth. it’s like their teeth and how protrudes out a little.

scorpio operates on an intense vibration. other signs will recognize the tension and may take offense. but that’s not always the intention. it makes one better tolerate the bullshit.

aries will say what everyone is thinking. even if it’s not polite. but it’s just pure expression, innocent almost.

gemini will say something just to make you mad. but will say something teasingly to show you’re above it.

leos can be surprisingly cold.

sagittarius to me has a noble spirit. esteem, honor and reputation. adventurous, exploration. but also want to have a good time and is not afraid to dive into the party.

sagittarius features are long, tall cheeks.

the most recognizable part of a sagittarius is their jovial and grandiose attitude towards things. it’s contagious. famous.

many presidents have had sun in 10th house.

stelliums run in the family / people who are close to you.

mars might give more to physical attributes than we’ve been lead to believe o.0

houses 1-6 are more small town / rural farm

houses 7-12 are more big city cosmopolitan

libra brings the divine to earth

virgo is the seeds that are sewn

the body we carry

sun in 12th feels like a repellent. like an energetic barrier is between you and how you relate to others. imposed space. lone wolf. like when you put the same sides of a magnet together, but with other ppl.

STAND YOUR GROUND

EVEN IF YOU shake & tremble

nimble nimble

jack be nimble

OH MY GOD

DO I HAVE

A PIMPLE

*stormy weather by the kooks*

bad art or something

中文课照片 · chinese class in photos

这个星期我们学习新的诗歌

这个学期，我有“漂亮的汉子课”，汉子的历史和书法，那么东西。我喜欢历史，看怎么汉子改变不同的时代。有繁体字很漂亮，我想要没有改变了。但是，也有简单字我很高兴现在使用。书法，我不耐心。我也不在乎如果我的汉子是理想。但是，我赏识这个传统的艺术。

我几乎忘了，我开始了实习期。它是在一家亚洲文化中心。我有两个中国主任。我下还这个实习期。我很高兴。很好的机会。我现在更老，不是孩子或者年轻人。好吧，我饿死了。我现在要吃爆米花。再见 ！

ናድያ நதியா приятел ナディア ناديه ਨਾਦੀਆ

omg my virgo moon makes me so judgmental by default …. i will judge people for the most arbitrary things (usually their personality, not physical features)

but then my cancer sun 12th house is like so forgiving and compassionate….. truly i am such a humanist and will forgive anyone at the drop of a hat and always try to see the good in people.

but my moon square pluto // mars opp pluto is like… if you piss me off I Will End You

happy halloween hehe

totally missed halloween, idk why i didn’t post these

照片 · 笔记 · 朋友

Astrology Journaling

/themes

· LDS CHURCH · SATURN 9H · HOMOSEXUALITY · LIBRA · SUN 12H · /

So I am currently dating a Pisces sun, Cancer moon. I myself and a cancer sun virgo moon. I noticed when I first got into astrology, I was sitting at a table with my group of friends at the liberal arts college I attended. I started asking people’s birthdays and birthtimes so I could generate their chart online. This was before almost everyone knew their sun, moon, and rising. Circa 2014/2015. I had just started dabbling in astrology. I got hooked into searching the web late at night for what aspects meant what, how my house placements could influence what decisions I might make for say, my career, or life’s bigger questions like what is the meaning of it all. Astrology sort of became like my therapy, a search that acted as a distraction from my existential nihilism and just truly piqued my interest.

:readmore:

But, I was also LDS (mormon) at the time, and rather devout. Interestingly, I would later read that people with Saturn in 9th house like I have, tend to favor more traditional religions, such as Catholicism, Mormonism, and Judaism. When I read this in a book about Saturn, my jaw dropped! My search for existential meaning budded in my senior year of high school. Although I was raised baptist by a *fanatic in word but complete opposite in practice * father (love u dad lol), I became an atheist, or agnostic actually, at age 12. By this time, I had already realized I was gay, and that shattered my Christian faith. My pride and ego did not want to believe in a deity that (from my perception) made gay. I didn’t actively choose it or anything, so why should I be condemned for it? However, the seeds had already been planted in my brain. I remember at age 7 or so, praying to Jesus over and over and over again to save me, and that if I died that night to go to heaven. I was afraid. I was afraid one prayer wasn’t enough. Perhaps this was the start of my obsessive compulsive behaviors to come.

See, even though /I/ said I didn’t believe in God or whatever anymore, that doesn’t mean that he didn’t still exist. I figured he had to, since there’s so many religions in the world, and one of them had to be right. So, I found online that most religions are homophobic, even the Buddhists and Hindus, so I concluded that homosexuality = wrong. Even though I was undoubtedly attracted to men, I figured something must’ve happened to make me this way. After all, I was attracted to women at one point in my life. I recall stumbling upon my grandfather’s playboy magazines when I was 9, and what followed was excuse after the next to wander down into the basement so I could sneak a peek. TW - sex ||| However, around age 11 when I first started masturbating, something switched and I started focusing on men. I would look at pictures of men in speedos online, the whole shebang. Eventually I stopped looking at women all together and to this day I cannot get aroused by a woman. So what happened ? What gives ? There was nothing traumatic that happened to me. My family was dysfunctional, divorced, working class. Love was just as scarce as the money, so it seemed. Shit felt tense, no other way to say it. But I stopped living with my grandmother as much and started living with my mom more once middle school started, so with all the resentment and rage of an angsty gay 18 year old, curious for answers on life’s bigger truths, while also terrified of going to hell, and at the very beginning of building a life for myself. I delved back into spirituality, because I felt that was more important than anything else really. When it comes down to it, once you’re dead, how much does it really matter what you had on earth? This was my thinking at least.

((I have a 12th house sun and so does my father. So this emphasis on spirituality makes sense to me.))

So I search and search and stumble upon the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I fell in love. It seemed like every answer I had was being answered by something concrete, their ideas about community and taking care of others completely aligned with my own, and let’s face it, the Mormons do a damn good job marketing themselves to others! That’s what missionary work is all about. Utah has a very big communal culture that Kentucky seriously lacks. Here, it’s practically every man for himself. People don’t go out of their way to be nice here. In Utah, they do. They walk the walk and talk the talk. I respected that, and I wanted to be like that.

Since we’re on the topic of the LDS church, I wanna say the church gives me heavy Libra vibes. Salt Lake City is the plastic surgery capital of the country. Mormon temples are just breathtakingly beautiful. They are so obsessed with looking attractive, having white teeth, etc, because it makes missionaries more effective in obtaining converts, and the church teaches that the righteous prosper. So the more you live in according to the word of Jesus Christ, the wealthier and beautifuler and happier you will be. Just seems very libra to me. Lol. I wonder if the church’s natal sun is in libra? Like whatever sign it was when the church was formed in upstate New York.

I started this post thinking I would talk about my relationships , cuz I’ve had a few and dated two Pisces now. Oh well!

ma//nia

my natal chart x

命盘 means natal chart in mandarin 🤪

11th house thoughts

Hi everybody.

I have an 11th house stellium, and I love it. Probably because my venus is in there, der planet of luv, as well as mars, lust et aggression, and mercury, th’ intellect. 

My sun missed it shy of 1° ; had i been born just a few minutes earlier, I would have been an 11th house sun. But I’m a twelfer. Why, might you ask? My mother has an 11th house stellium afterall, so did my ex-boyfriend. Well, if you ask, my father is a twelfth house sun. 

And I’m learning to live with that. 

Just kidding. Anyways, I love my 11th house stellium. If you’re unfamiliar, the eleventh house is ruled by aquarius. Each of the twelve houses in astrology corelate to each of the twelve signs of the zodiac. The planet which governs both this house and sign is the planet of Uranus, which is my favorite one in our solar system :) I did a random generator a guy posted on reddit to find out which planet is dominant in your chart, and when I plugged everything in, I got Uranus. I was actually quite surprised by this, but overjoyed. I love everything uranus represents. Eccentricity, humanitarianism, chaos.

I am a cancer sun, though, and virgo moon. Cancer rules the moon, so wouldn’t that be my dominant planet? Or is it just my chart ruler? I don’t know. But the moon is so fleeting. Kind of chaotic, actually. Since the moon passes each sign every few days, that’s what makes us cancers so moody. We feel the energy of all the signs within a months time. Can you imagine how that feels? constantly knowing what other people are feeling and thinking? Or maybe I’m just imagining it. I am crazy, after all :p

I digress. The 11th house is fabulous. It rules the finer things in life. My ex-boyfriend was a dandy man, took me to fancy restaurants and hotels, the works. I need that sort of thing, I admire and crave it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very in tune with income inequality and the social issues that plague the world. But I still love dressing up in fancy clothes for a decadent night out. I suppose this is attributed to my stellium, but I’ll take it. A stellium by the way is when you have three or more planets in one house.

It’s kind of odd that my mom has an eleventh house stellium because we grew up quite poor. Nothing about her really screams fancy besides the fact that she adores drinking wine, is beautiful, and we live fancier only if you put us in to comparison with poorer people around us. We did grow up wearing nice clothes though. My mom would buy us second hand designer brand clothes like tommy hilfiger. Maybe that’s not designer, maybe that’s just brand name. I’m from Kentucky, give me a break. But we Kentucky fancy, baby.

Uranus being my dominant and favorite planet, is in my 7th house, the house of libra and relationships. Perhaps someone could pull up my chart {in the tags] and enlighten me on why it might be my dominant planet. I might also add that my draconic moon is in aquarius, which is supposely what your ‘soul’ truly is. I don’t quite believe that, because I think the soul is larger and smaller than the twelve signs of our universe. Or maybe just our solar system. At least of our conscience understanding of things at this time. Astrology is just a bunch of symbols made of our world to organize and communicate ieas n information. It’s not much more than that.

I recall being very internet savvy in middle and high school. My north node and chiron are in my third house, house of gemini and communication. All of my 11th house stellium planets are also in gemini. I see this being accurate because I am rather small in frame, standing at 5 foot 9 and weighing 125 pounds since I was thirteen years old. My mouth gets me in trouble, whether it’s from accidentally offending or just not being able to shut up! I would constantly be editing my myspace profile, using html codes, messing with the layout and how it interacted with my profile picture and song, and anything else I added to it. I loved it, and then that transitioned to my tumblr blog which I did in high school. Hopefully tumblr doesn’t die out, it’s definitely not what it used to be. Later when stumbleupon was something, I would look up things about futurism, humanism, design. I loved reading about the future. It made me so freaking excited. Like what will life be like in 2040? So cool! Or 2600? Then it made me sad once I accounted my age into the picture. I don’t wanna be 40! and that’s so far away! I hate waiting. 

I’ll end this post on something interesting I noticed. My boyfriend of a year had an eleventh house stellium. After we broke up, I had two guys I was interested in. I was actually quite torn, because they were both so amazing, but so different. One was elegant and familiar with astrology and addiction issues and had money. He was like this worldly man with fantastic package hehe helped cure this mundane “what’s the point?” feeling I had about learning languages and stuff. He made me feel like there was in fact a point to all of it. He’s a scorpio just like me mum and we just had great chemistry. But I was already seeing a nother guy, who was this gentle, down the earth, all around manly man’s man. I loved him, but in a different way. He was simple, but the first time I slept over at his house, he picked me up in this kinda old but kinda new like beat up stick shift hyudai sedan. He reminded me of Wario. But he had an amazing package as well. we mostly just slept though ,and when I slept with him, I felt like I was back in bed with my father when I was like five or seven years old. I already know how that sounds, and I know the childish bunch of you or dommage who lack a healthy relationship with your father if y’ar, are going to come for me and say that’s gross or messed up or perverted or weird. It’s not. I don’t want to fuck my father, I never have, and I never will. I really don’t want to open this can of worms because I could go on about people I’ve met who have been sexually assaulted by their fathers or who have an incest fetish and I’m not trying to shame any of those people. But, I felt like I was back in bed with my father like i was when i was a kid while I was laying with him, and that was a really, really, really good feeling. I never forgot it. He had an aries sun, which I used to hate aries. It was my least favorite sign, and probably still is tbh, along with aquarius LOL. Oh and his moon was in taurus which explained everything. My dad is a taurus sun, as are my two sisters, my grandpa, and one of my good friends, Chelsea. My moon is in virgo in the second house, which is the house of taurus.

Well, mr. fancy pants had an 11th house stellium, and my down to earth sweet S had a third house stellium. Finding these things out did nothing to absolve my confusion, only added to the ache of not knowing which to choose. Talk about love triangle though. It did make me realize why I was in this predicament though, and I suppose it worked out because I don’t really talk to either guy anymore. But The seventh and third houses are also air houses, just like the 11th. 

11th house - Aquarius/uranus, 

7th house - libra/venus, 

3rd house - gemini/mercury

That’s all for tonight. I’m ever behind on french homework, so I oughtta go take care of that. I want to write on the twelfth house, since my sun is in there as well as my father’s, and why I don’t appreciate its doom and gloom persona. If each house correlates to a sign, then the twelfth’s would be house of pisces. Pisces is the last sign with a bad stereotype. At least from my perception, it’s one of the best. So humanistic and kind. So why is its house the house of prison and addictions and psych wards and have all this hubbub, this &thatt?

Au revoir! -K  ý ll

my natal chart [will expand on this later.]

Sun in Cancer in Twelfth House

Oh boy. Where do I start with the twelfth house. As if being a cancer wasn’t hard enough!

Moon in Virgo in Second House

Moon in second house, that placement I actually quite fancy. Virgo though? Talk about nervous wreck! Very insecure growing up, for various reasons, and overly privy to detail that I’m still realizing not everyone else is like.

Mercury in Gemini in Eleventh House

Yes I will talk your head off. And yes I will look damn good while I do. Did someone say secular humanism?

Venus in Gemini in Eleventh House

I have three boyfriends at any given time. We need to have a mental connection before anything else is guaranteed. Take me to a gala, a fancy restaurant. Let’s drink wine and lavish in ourselves all night.

Mars in Gemini in Eleventh House

If I like you, I will insult you. If you can’t handle that, then **** ***. My body is small and thin. Lots of nervous energy. I think all the eleventh house energy gives me an aquarian persona, paired with my aquarius draconic moon. which is supposedly what your soul really is. but is our soul really bound by the paradigms of this universe? i dunt think so.