I Hate That My Instincts Always Seem To Be At Odds With My Desires

Y’all are so childish and don’t even see it. It’s sad. This pop psychology movement really needs to evolve into something greater cuz I’m tired of looking at it every day

if you “set a boundary” and someone reacts negatively, the answer isn’t as simple as “they’re not your friend”. Maybe it wasn’t clear what you were doing, maybe they misunderstood. Maybe your boundary is toxic or hurtful.

“but what if my friend gets offended and hates me and refuses to speak to me after i set a boundary” easy peasy! that is not your friend. hope this helps

— beau taplin

Why can’t I fix him?

Why is my love not enough? He had feelings for me. That is unarguable. his borderline personality disorder must have kicked in. maybe he was scared, felt unloveable. scared i would abandon him. so he self sabotaged cuz that was the safer bet for him.

but didn’t he see how understanding i was? how much i wanted to take care of him? didn’t he see the stars in my eyes, the expression of pure happiness just lying next to him?

maybe he got greedy. maybe he didn’t want to be tied down. saw how happy i made him, and figured he could do better. get more. have more sex with others. maybe i made him feel too attractive and desirable.

his hypocrisy. watching my grindr usage. sending me snarky remarks on a burner account. replying “who else” when i told him i loved him. i would have pushed every one to the side for him. i mean that. whenever i used the same tricks he used on me, it became an issue.

& he never said i love you back. started calling me codependent. he’s probably right there, but it takes two to tango.

the fact he has a history of this. dating violence. always preying on skinny young twinks with “daddy issues”. who doesn’t have daddy issues. it’s really not fair to reduce love and sexual attraction to that. it is what it is. not one person has a perfect relationship with both their parents. what is the use in trying to distort the pure love and happiness he provided me.

you told me you didn’t ask for another chance. you didn’t ask for me to give you the benefit of the doubt. harsh, true. am i a fool for giving it to you?

i won’t be a fool for letting you get away with this. the people of your past may not have held you accountable with the law. but i will. im not letting you push me around. break my phone and my heart, and walk away feeling like top dog who can do and have whatever he wants.

you had me big guy. and i had you. those seven weeks feel like a dream that i never want to wake up from. we could have built a life. i wanted so desperately to build a life with you.

you asked how i would kill you when we were joking around about that stuff. i said i wouldn’t, because i wanted to live with you. live.

that answer surprised even me. im dark, twisted. have a cruel sense of humor at times. but i don’t act on those thoughts. i can resist those impulses. i don’t want that for my life. i guess you’re not the same in that regard.

i believe everyone is a good person. turns out people aren’t as simple as that. there is part of you that is good. but that part hid away, and someone new is now in your body. i don’t know if it’s from your drug use, or bpd. i don’t know what it is.

it really doesn’t matter to me anymore, since we’ll never ever be together anymore. and that is what im mad about most. the fact you’re probably one of the most handsome men i’ve ever seen. the list goes on the ways you turned me on.

we were such a good match. but now it’s over. and you ruined all chances of there being something more. and that’s what makes me want to hate you. i wish i could hate you.

my error was thinking you wanted better for yourself. my error was assuming we had similar goals and outlooks on life. in many ways we did. and the fact you were such an asshole kinda turned me on. but you’re vicious and cruel, even to someone who loves you.

i don’t know what went wrong to make you this way. i wish i knew. i wish i could change it. i wish i could go back in time, and prevent whatever happened to make you this way.

you were my dream. and now you’re my nightmare. and i hate the idea that now i’m gonna have to spend my life with somebody else. if i survive you. and that we didn’t get enough time together.

Spore print of Amanita Muscarius. Our edible toadstools and mushrooms and how to distinguish them. 1895.

Internet Archive

Chinese class • 中文课

这个学期，我有漂亮的汉子课。我们学习书法。

我喜欢汉子的历史。很有意思。篆书是我的最喜欢的。我还不知道，毕业的时候，我做什么？我还有几个学期。现在我不需要答案。但是… 我不要抱怨

Sun Sextile Moon Thoughts

Said to be one of the most benefic aspects in a natal chart, when I read that sun sextile moon natives have a “rather easy” life, I laughed. While the rest of the interpretations are quite flattering, such as being popular, your will and emotional nature in balance most of the time… the downside is that we’re too lazy, or too satisfied with how things are that we can be complacent. After all, you need some friction like in a square or opposition to inspire some action. If you aren’t unhappy with how things are, why change them to be better?

Still, it’s been a few years since I read about my sun sextile moon aspect, and I think it is as great as it sounds. But it can also be a bit of a curse. One thing to note that is interesting to me, is that my dad, best friend Patrick and my ex boyfriend Craig all have sun trine moon. That aspect is supposedly even more benefic than the sextile, because the energies are LESS comfortable, but still very harmonious. I spent many a year thinking I did not know one single other person with a sun sextile moon in their chart, until I revisited my younger sister’s chart and saw it right there staring at me. So ok. My little sister has the same aspect, and a lot of people close to me have trines. Not sure what that means, if anything, but pretty cool. My good friend Chelsea has a sun square moon, which when I read about this aspect, as well as the opposition, I imagined like, very troubled unhappy people. I felt sorry for them. But when I found out Chelsea had a square, and had lived with / known her for a while, I realized that my impression of the square wasn’t necessarily true. Chelsea is awesome, (Taurus sun Leo moon) and while her Leo moon definitely shows and overpowers at times, her Taurus sun gives her impeccable taste and she is a lovely homemaker!!! So even though sextile and trines are technically the “good” “harmonious” aspects, just knowing Chelsea tells me that sun square moon isn’t all that bad and definitely isn’t the end of the world.

BUT as a sun sextile moon native, I guess I am reluctantly inclined to say there may be some truth to it. Growing up I was generally pretty popular in school and classes. Less so on the sports field but I certainly didn’t lack for friends or a social life. But one thing that stuck out to me was when my step dad said I could have my girlfriend over when I was in middle school. He told me he knew he could trust me with her in the house because I was too laid back to like pressure her or yadda yadda. This sounds weirder as I’m typing it than how it felt when it happened. Basically, he just said I’m laid back as a person. Whether that was just an innuendo that he and my mom already knew I was gay, only the Lord knows, however this stuck with me.

Cybercafé à Paris (1995)