⎣   곽𝐉𝐈𝐍𝐀   ⎤   ━━━━   yes & No  xylo   /   Queen  loren Gray   /

ONLY FOOLS FALL

a person who acts unwisely under the guise of a love potion ; we don’t call it love. see also: jina and @mmgyul, the annual yosul commencement party, amidst confusing, tormented hearts. 

𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒, 𝐉𝐈𝐍𝐀 𝐖𝐈𝐒𝐇𝐄𝐃 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒. maybe it wouldn’t hurt when she notices the way his eyes are never on hers and the realization strikes her faster than cold water on a monday morning. she never had a chance, did she? she wants him to look at her, see her -- please. the words are deaf on the lips because jina never begs, but her heart bleeds in consequence. the flowers in her lungs once so full in bloom, vibrant and lovely quickly wilt, and she wants to breathe -- cough, feel the air slither it’s way into her chest rather than the way they shrivel up. locking her breath and keeping her entertained with the disillusion that this wasn’t true. but she can’t -- she feels them crush into her windpipe and all she feels is daffodils, roses and lilies, discontempt, devastation and frustration. 

her eyes are hearts, heavily so, eclipsed onto him and he can’t seem to see her. why won’t he see her? these feelings are too familiar, they grow fangs and sink into the very cracks she had thought she had successfully glued together. but jina, oh jina, she never learns. 

a girl of nineteen, she doesn’t know love.

she can’t seem to get her bearings together ; they’re powerful and her heart aches, painful -- the cracks appear again. faster this time, undoing months of forgetting, of pretending; they break where they once lay, deeper, and deeper and the flowers in her lungs die. why so? because he doesn’t say the words he once had said.

instead, “hold that thought, i’ll be right back” is spoken into the void and jina lets him. she lets him slip through her fingers like all those times because her eyes are full of broken hearts and she doesn’t have it in her to stop him. it hurts, but she pretends it doesn’t.

pretending is fine, it saves her the heartbreak. because no, he wasn’t going to do this to her again, was he? ( he has, he will, he can’t stop but jina doesn’t want to end this so soon -- this soon -- they just reconciled )

memories of when she first confessed flood and she feels the gash in her heart tear just a bit more as fingers wind into small fists. the wound is stale, dried blood rounds the corners and all yun has to do is dip dainty little fingers in and pull, for everything to come apart. perhaps, months apart did nothing to cure the heartache, she fears. it’s secured when he reaches his target and she has to force a breath because the flowers are too much, they’re ashes instead of air and she’s coughing up death; in the midst, her heart constricts.

time stills and she rarely notices the way hangyul comes and never leaves; acknowledgement falls flat because all jina can see is what she doesn’t believe. 

jina thinks if she blinks it won’t hurt. she thinks if her eyes close for just a second, that it isn’t real -- that reality is far more kinder than her nightmares, than dreams could ever be. but through glass eyes, all she sees is the way he’s falling into her and jina can’t look away.

was this love? 

some Angsty texts pls... n maybe a 2009 one :^)

 ●   a angry text     ━━━   ・  

⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  21:59  ›   YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU WON JIYI⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  22:00  ›   ALL YOU DO IS FUCKING TAKE AND NEVER LEAVE ANYTHING FOR THE REST OF US⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  22:02  ›   i hope you choke on your princess reputation⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  22:03  ›   it’s as fake as you, barbie doll

 ●   a drunk text     ━━━   ・  

⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:52  ›   do yon ever tnkink abou t huw we wer bxsts frienaas⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:54  ›   i fucsnking dont you ‘ er a waste of time and Spaxce⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:55  ›   존못

  a vague text    

⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  23:59  ›   did you even give a shit about me?

 ●   a text not meant for you     ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:01  ›   you mean so much to me⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:01  ›   i love you

 ●   a sassy text     ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  15:27  ›   wow can you be any more plastic?⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  15:29  ›   mother nature just called, she wants you to know you’re fucking up the environment

 ●   a long-winded confession text    ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:10  ›   how the fuck can you walk around like you didn’t just fucking throw me away like trash⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:10  ›   i hate your fucking guts⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:10  ›   it’s not fucking fair that you thought our friendship was expendable but everyone else was somehow above me?⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:10  ›   the first person i thought was my best friend and she fucking does that shit⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:10  ›   really fucks with a nine year old’s mind⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:10  ›   that’s just who you are tho, right?⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:10  ›   you fucking use people jiyi⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:10  ›   you think i’m a fucking manipulative bitch?⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  00:10  ›   well look in the fucking mirror princess, you’re not as shiny as you think

 ●   a misguided advice text     ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  19:12  ›   why don’t you just go obliviate yourself?

 ●   a  desperate text     ━━━   ・ CIRCA. 2009

⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  12:13  ›   hey jiyi, 어머니 said you can come over today!⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  12:15  ›   what time do you want to come over?⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  12:50  ›   jiyi?⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  13:01  ›   hellooooo ~ jiyi ~⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  13:30  ›   jiyi?

                                         ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  16:01  ›   jiyi?

                                          ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  15:35  ›   jiyi please tell me what i did wrong⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  15:36  ›   i don’t understand⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  15:40  ›   please tell me so i can fix it⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  15:41  ›   we can still be friends please tell me what i can do⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  15:43  ›   i thought we were best friends!⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  15:45  ›   is my mom really that bad of a person?⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  15:46  ›   please talk to me⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  15:48  ›   you’re my best friend⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  15:53  ›   do you not care about me?⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  15:54  ›   is there something wrong with me?

                                         ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  💕💕지이.  ›  18:58  ›   do you not like me anymore?

 ●   a congratulatory text     ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  02:15  ›   congratu-fucking-lations on being the shittiest person with no opinion whatsoever 10 years later

 ●   a  text that should have never been sent ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  🚫JIYI쓰레기🚫.  ›  23:04  ›   can’t you ever think for yourself, jiyi?

mmjunsu‌:

it was funny how things could fall into place so easily; how things could pick up from where they left off, without any thought of the circumstances prior.

(like how he’d shared an uncharacteristically emotional reunion with his sister; and then he was sitting at the kitchen island moments later, stuffing his puffy face with breakfast as she slipped back out into obscurity. don’t mention it to anyone just yet, she’d made him promise, but it seemed like the idea was already obliterated as he burned his tongue on seaweed soup).

and things went back to normal, like always.

maybe he should’ve taken it as a sign, when he walked into the apartment and was greeted with absolute silence— like the calm before the storm, it lulled him into a false sense of security as he kicked off his shoes comfortably and left a trail of his belongings on his way to the rec room.

maybe he should’ve been more cautious when he found a full, unopened bag of shrimp crackers and pepero sticks— a rarity in the kwak household— and it seemed like the stars were all aligned for him when he opened the fridge and his favourite banana milk was stocked on the top shelf.

(ahjumma must’ve gone shopping, was what he had thought, when he should’ve realized: ahjumma had bought him his last meal).

the alignment of the stars were clear now as kwak junsu took a fistful of shrimp crackers as he paused his video game, and the doorknob twisted open to reveal the grim reaper.

junsu could easily recognize the stages of kwak jina’s wrath, but the look she gave him from the threshold as he stared back at her with doe-eyes wide open and mouth agape, was positively lethal.

it felt like an eternity as he wracked his brain for the things he could’ve done wrong, a single  cracker from the bunch in his fist falling down into his lap.

(after quickly assessing and reassessing his memory, kwak junsu found that he didn’t know what it was his sister was staring at him like she would kill him for, but after sixteen years of being the youngest, he quickly moved on to his second option: run).

“noona, hold up—”

the shrimp crackers all fell to the floor as kwak junsu tossed the game controller to the side, jumping up onto the couch and stumbling as he tripped over his own lanky legs. he tripped over the edge and quickly shot back up as he hid behind the couch: his only line of defense from kwak jina’s blazing stare.

𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇 𝐁𝐄 𝐓𝐎𝐋𝐃, jina has two different type of aggressions. it wasn’t out of norm for one of them to be tickled on the daily. that one didn’t involve the throbbing of a vein against the very shell of her forehead, it didn’t include the rush of adrenaline into her bloodstream nor did it reap of deadly intentions. 

no, that one was harmless in comparison to the aggression she felt swelling against her conscience. the one telling her that poor, innocent junsu looked scared to death. that perhaps, he didn’t deserve jina whatever jina had in store for settling whatever had set her off today.

of course her conscience was an idiot.

and jina full-heartedly believed whatever intentions she had in mind were rightfully just. especially when she was mad.

but no, jina wasn’t just mad -- she was pissed. 

she, of course, was fair in her approach. far more than she thinks she should have been. maybe she was feeling merciful, or maybe she just enjoyed the way her little brother seemed a second close to shitting himself. she didn’t enjoy scaring him, but the fear in his eyes did give her a different type of high.

for now, she feels every type of emotion welling up within her. remnants of her conversation ( if you could call a screaming match in the middle of the courtyard a ‘conversation’ ) with jihye still fresh on the skin. the tears she had cried a dried up path to where blurred eyeliner and smudged mascara lay. the obviousness of her distress a second contender for the anger that blazed in her eyes was much more prevalent, obvious in the way she stalked into the rec room; fingers pushing the door open further to make her way inside. 

“why are you backing up, junnie?” she blinks, voice a notch softer than it should be; coupled by the innocence dripping from her tone and the nickname she hardly uses, jina tilts her head. the venom in her expression says enough to warrant the activation of the fight or flight instinct, this she is sure -- watching his expression react in comparison has jina taking another step closer. “did you do something wrong?” 

she takes one more step, fingers reaching out to grab the discarded controller, tinkering with the buttons, a single glance made to the device before her glare returns to him. 

“don’t you have something to tell me?” timbre is soft, a false sense of security lulled into her voice as she takes another step closer; grasp tightening against the controller with each step before stopping just short of the couch he hid behind.

if he wanted to run, she’d give him a head start. 

REPERCUSSIONS

send a symbol - get the following from my muse ;

I’d still do it even if we were cursed Won’t you be my problem it’s okay with me if it hurts…

⁺  🔍  ›  SEARCHING  ・・・  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  @mmdaeil​  ›  SENT.

⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  18:30  ›   good evening ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  18:31  ›   i hope you’ve enjoyed today, you arrogantly pompous, insignificant living trash ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  18:31  ›   today can mark the first day of your eternal punishment ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  18:32  ›   call it a last meal of the sorts ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  18:33  ›   for what you ask? ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  18:33  ›   well if you can’t even figure that out ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  18:34  ›   unfortunately i’m not the right person to ask  ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  18:35  ›   all i’m going to say is ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  18:36  ›   YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR FUCKING KNEE CAPS YOU DOUCHE

                                           ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  05:10  ›   good fucking morning fuckaroo ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  05:11  ›   hope you eat shit at practice ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  05:11  ›   maybe then your face wouldn’t look as much of a goblin’s ass ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  05:12  ›   oh wait? it’s permanently like that? ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  05:15  ›   gfys 😕

                                          ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  14:00  ›   놈.

                                          ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  18:00  ›   i meant what i said ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  18:02  ›   call it a love tap but i hope you liked getting your face shoved into the dirt

                                         ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  00:00  ›   congrats you survived today, 놈.  ⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  00:00  ›   tomorrow is another day 

                                        ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  🚫대일 씹새끼🚫.  ›  05:00  ›   😈

* things said meme

things you said over the phone

things you said with the tv on mute 

things you said when you were proud

things you said under your breath

things you said with sorrow between your fists

things you said when you were lost

things you said when our world began to crumble

things you said with too many days between us

things you didn’t say at all

things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear

things you said you’ll never forget

things you said with clammy hands 

things you said when fear cut deep

things you said while a fever stole your mind

things you said with rage between your teeth

things you were afraid to say

things you said when no one else was around

things you said when the sun was shining

things you said with blooming bruises and stinging cuts

things you said when we were safe

things you said without thinking

things you said that kept me grounded

things you said you loved about me

things you said you hated about me

things you said when you lied

things you said with scraped knees 

things you said with tears in your eyes

things you said while holding my hand 

things you said in the car

things you said under the stars

things you said at my grave

things you said at the kitchen table

things you said on the porch at 3 am

things you said in a gas station parking lot 

things you said in a hotel room

things you said in the waiting room

things you said while you stroked my hair

things you said that made me feel loved

things you said when i was crying

things you said while i cried in your arms 

things you said when you thought i was asleep

things you said in your sleep

things you said when you kissed me goodnight

things you said after a nightmare

things you said before death snatched you

things you said that i wish you hadn’t

things you said when it ended

things you said when you met my friends

things you said when we first met

things you said when they took me away

BUDDING PARALLELS

similar but not quite the same, virtually so; but frankly, not enough. see also: jina and @mmyuanlan before the peace treaty, the glo-up, and insert the manic one on one competition between the two smartest girls in their cohort. CIRCA 2017

𝐀𝐓 𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍, you want to be better than the rest. 

you read books until they’re practically imprinted in your mind. you close your eyes and your mind still runs a mile a minute, keep up, keep up -- they taunt you. you’re to be the best, not ahead of the curve, you are the curve. self-awareness is second to self-egos; pampered and bruised. tossed to wolves and torn apart all for the sake of an outstanding academic reputation. the next day, it will begin again.

it’s a repetitive cycle, the slate is never clean, it’s darkened with blood and sweat and tears jina never cries because her eyes are bloodshot and her smile is strained. but she raises her hand high, shoulder brush, maybe a little too passive-aggressively against another’s. she doesn’t spare the slightest glance backwards as her name is spoken like a spell, like it’s obvious that she would be the first to come up with the answer. 

like it’s expected, because she was kwak jina. 

this was her reputation. untainted by her mother’s crimes, unhindered by the legacies her sisters unravel: no -- kwak jina is unlike her sisters before her. she is not serious, she is not fun personified; she’s not a breath of fresh air nor does she excel at escapism. 

she’s haughty, possessive, temperamental and withers at the lack of attention. above all, she is an egoist. she wants to be the best, second in line had never been her frame of work nor would she bow down to someone like -- she blinks, smile ripe against bright teeth -- someone like yuanlan. the name rolls off her tongue as she stares at the list of students, written off by examination scores and paired like cattle for their latest DADA practicum. unlike last time, perhaps the advantage had been lost.

because right next to yuanlan’s was her own -- she bites back a groan, heavily feeling her eyes roll to the back of her head as she turns to stare the other down, arms crossed before she makes up her mind and makes the first move. “it appears,” she breathes through her nose, trying to calm the flares of annoyance already prickling at the back of her neck. “the professor thought it was wise to pair us up for today’s practicum.” her tone is flat, a declaration of if you fuck this up -- i’ll fuck you up whispered between unwritten lines. 

✆ ♠ ☼

   ●   a morning text     ━━━   ・  

⁺  💬  ›  ⭐️혜진 선배님 LEGEND.  ›  08:00  ›   good morning 선배님⁺  💬  ›  ⭐️혜진 선배님 LEGEND.  ›  08:01  ›   i know it’s early⁺  💬  ›  ⭐️혜진 선배님 LEGEND.  ›  08:05  ›   but are you in the student council office? ⁺  💬  ›  ⭐️혜진 선배님 LEGEND.  ›  08:06  ›   i have a few questions to ask you 👉👈

   ●   a drunk text     ━━━   ・  

⁺  💬  ›  ⭐️혜진 선배님 LEGEND.  ›  00:02  ›   text 0009 to claim a real hippogriff⁺  💬  ›  ⭐️혜진 선배님 LEGEND.  ›  00:03  ›   gIVE mEA MY HIAPPOGYF⁺  💬  ›  ⭐️혜진 선배님 LEGEND.  ›  00:05  ›   IW WANT IT NOW⁺  💬  ›  ⭐️혜진 선배님 LEGEND.  ›  00:05  ›   gimme⁺  💬  ›  ⭐️혜진 선배님 LEGEND.  ›  00:05  ›   🤲

   ●   a congratulatory text     ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  ⭐️혜진 선배님 LEGEND.   ›  14:05  ›   선배님 !!!!!!⁺  💬  ›  ⭐️혜진 선배님 LEGEND.   ›  14:05  ›   i won the vote for class rep !!!⁺  💬  ›  ⭐️혜진 선배님 LEGEND.   ›  14:05  ›   aren’t you going to congratulate me?  🥺

You are lashing out because you’re too sensitive. Yes, I was narrow-minded for a short while. Get over it.