Okay But Modern AU Where Jaskier Greencard Marries Geralt’s Ex, Yennefer, Who He Kinda Hates, Because

Bartender: Alright, I need some ID.

Tim “baby face” Drake: No problem.

Jason “Built Like a Fridge” Todd: What the fuck, you’ve never ID’d me before?

Bartender: Because you’re like thirty!

Jason: I’m two years older than him!

I FUCKING LOVE NERDY PRUDES MUST DIE

I’mma sing you a sacred psalm

On your knees, pray along…

—

We did a Hatchetfield marathon recently and my decade-long on-again off-again Starkid obsession came ROARING back!! Grace Chasity was designed to appeal to everything I love to paint, so naturally here I am ✨

Aroace!

Adult Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase are the most surreal power couple in the mortal world.

Annabeth Chase, world renowned architect who was entrusted with repairs and renovation on the Empire State Building…

…and her husband, this guy who was wanted by the FBI for blowing up the St Louis Arch seventeen years ago

it is so easy to fuck with geralt now that yennefer is friends with jaskier

she'll just roll her shoulders and kinda grimace and jaskier will be like "what's wrong?" and she's like "nothing, really, just kind of sore..." and he'll go to her side and offer a massage just like that and she'll sigh, thank him, then look at geralt with the smugest look on her face

geralt will just break whatever he's holding and be so confused why he's upset

and yennefer has never had more fun in her life

An aro meme for myself

Strong Jaskier who doesn't realize how strong he is?

Carrying an injured Geralt on his back like a sack of potatoes, muttering something about reckless witchers.

***

Geralt lifting one of Jaskier’s bags to pass it to the bard, almost tripping because of how heavy it is.

***

Jaskier, bathing shirtless in the river, showing off his ripped torso: Why can't we just go around? I don't want to climb another mountain, Geralt! I'm a delicate man!

Geralt, internally: eyes on his face, eyes on his face

***

Geralt refuses to take a medicine the healer gave him. "I'm fine, Jaskier. It will heal on its ow-"

Jaskier tackling Geralt to the ground, pinning him down. Both knees on Geralt’s shoulders, holding his mouth open, as he forces him to take the medicine. Yes, the same way you give medicine to a cat.

***

Kicking Geralt out of the bed, when the Witcher tries to steal the blanket back.

***

Knocking Geralt down on his ass, when Geralt tries to drag him out of the bed in the morning.

***

Lambert: C'mon, just hit me. I want to see how you throw a punch.

Jaskier: Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you.

Lambert: *snorts* You won't hurt me, bard, c'mon.

Jaskier: ...Okay, then. Here goes nothing. *knocks Lambert unconscious*

Hi, your metas are super interesting, and even if I really enjoy fanon twilight, it's really cool to read opinions based only on canon too!

So my question is about the sexual orientation of the Cullens, do you think they all straight?

For example i saw someone saying that Edward maybe was demisexual and it left me thinking, so i just wanted to know your opinions about it :)

In short, no.

In alphabetical order:

Alice is with a man, but without getting into the mess that is Alice/Jasper here, I don’t think theirs is a particularly physical relationship. I mean, if Alice wanted to get laid, she could just decide to fuck Jasper, enjoy the vision, and bam. Itch scratched. Thanks, Jazz. Alright, I’ll be serious. Alice and Jasper are with each other because the other represents salvation, not so much because of a personal or physical attraction but because of mysticism. So to me that doesn’t really say much about Alice’s preference. All the same I can’t see Alice having a particular preference, she’s too... Alice. Although it is easier to picture her with women. She is also the second half of the Alice/Bella homoerotic extravaganza, which makes heterosexual Alice even more farfetched to me. So, bisexual or lesbian Alice.

Bella shows clear attraction to women as well as men. She’s attracted to Rosalie, Alice, Edward, and Carlisle. I’ll just give you guys quotes: Of the three boys, one was big — muscled like a serious weight lifter, with dark, curly hair. Another was taller, leaner, but still muscular, and honey blond. The last was lanky, less bulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair. He was more boyish than the others, who looked like they could be in college, or even teachers here rather than students. The girls were opposites. The tall one was statuesque. She had a beautiful figure, the kind you saw on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, the kind that made every girl around her take a hit on her self-esteem just by being in the same room. Her hair was golden, gently waving to the middle of her back. The short girl was pixielike, thin in the extreme, with small features. Her hair was a deep black, cropped short and pointing in every direction. (Twilight, page 9) This is the Cullens’ introduction. I won’t spend much time on it, just notice the difference between Rosalie and the others. Rosalie is highlighted in a way Alice is not, and Edward is at first glance only the boyish one of the guys. Rosalie was the Cullen whose beauty immediately stood out to Bella. It was hard to decide who was the most beautiful — maybe the perfect blond girl, or the bronze-haired boy. (sic.) Bella has realized by now that Edward’s a grade A hottie, but she’s still torn between him and Rosalie. Bella then gets to know Alice, and they become friends who take showers together(!). Rosalie may be the most attractive Cullen woman, but Alice is the one Bella gets emotionally close to. We get this in New Moon:  UNNATURALLY STILL AND WHITE, WITH LARGE BLACK EYES intent on my face, my visitor waited perfectly motionless in the center of the halt, beautiful beyond imagining.  (...) I locked my arms around her, gasping to inhale as much of the scent of her skin as possible. It wasn't like anything else—not floral or spice, citrus or musk. No perfume in the world could compare. My memory hadn't done it justice. (New Moon, page 191) Bella never thought she’d never see any of the Cullens again, so for her to be hysterical and ecstatic upon seeing her second favorite is not by itself damning. I’m sure she’d be ecstatic to see Emmett too. It’s that fact that she’d missed Alice’s scent that’s interesting. The scent of her skin was something Bella was aware of before they parted. And while it may be tempting to say “it’s because they’re vampires, Bella’s admiring them like she would a work of art!”, Bella never dwells on Esme, Jasper, or Emmett in this way. Jasper and Emmett especially are not admired beyond the introduction of their characters. We never hear about what any of them smell like, nor does Bella remark upon their beauty after waking up a vampire. Carlisle and Edward, by comparison, are men she keeps noticing. Bella finds Carlisle blindingly beautiful when she first sees him as a vampire, and there’s this from New Moon: Though it erased the sting, it reminded me of the gash, and I watched Carlisle's face carefully to distract me from what his hands were doing. His hair gleamed gold in the bright light as he bent over my arm. (New Moon, page 18) There’s thinking someone is pretty, and then there’s gazing lovingly upon their face instead of pain killers. Bella is bisexual.

Carlisle moved in with a very gay man, had a close relationship with him, lived with him for the sake of his company for decades, and only left because of dietary differences. We don’t know for sure whether they actually had an affair or not, but the fact remains that of all the Cullens, Carlisle is the one who is implied to have had a homosexual relationship in canon. He loses his straight card based on that alone. Also gonna link this clip, because I’m Mac listening to Edward talk about how young Carlisle lived with this sexy Mycenaean Greek for a few decades when he was young. Aro is all the santas. Carlisle is bisexual.

Edward... oh boy. His brain is supposedly seventeen, and yet this very interesting thing happens in his relationship with Bella where he never notices her body. Not ever. By body I mean curves. Edward notices Bella’s skin, her frailty, her humanity. He praises her blushes, her doe-like eyes, her warmth, her softness, her swan-like neck, her delicious scent. The feminine aesthetic. He does not once notice her tits. The only tits he is on record noticing belong to Siobhan, and it’s because she has an impossible to ignore rack: She was profoundly female in shape—aggressively, forcefully female. (Midnight Sun, chapter Probability) It’s one thing for him to be old-fashioned and too quintessentially Edward to even think the word “boob”, but in 700+ pages of Midnight Sun there’s just this absence of this seventeen-year-old noticing her curves. More damningly, when seeing Alice’s vision of vampire!Bella, Edward is horrified at the sight of his love cold and hard. He doesn’t describe vampire!Bella by any of the positives, like “flawless”. Edward is attracted to the human, not the woman. What that means for his sexuality... well, I’m going to go ahead and point out that he is very weird about Carlisle, and it’s damning that the personality he projects onto Bella is so similar to Carlisle. I hesitate to apply a label here, but in my own, personal, headcanon we’re veering towards homosexual. Deeeeeeply closeted homosexual.

Emmett is straight. Straightest guy ever to straight.

Esme is pretty clearly taken with Carlisle. Though if she were to feel attracted towards another woman, I imagine she’d have no idea what to make of that, if she even recognized it for what it was. She’s from a very different time and still living in that time, and she continues to be very sheltered. Still, as per my personal headcanon, I see her as straight.

Jasper, who knows. Though if he’s into guys, he has probably gone for it in the past. I suppose I should write a meta on vampires and sexual norms in general, but in short I don’t think they all live monogamously like the Cullens. STDs and pregnancies are unheard of, as is social ostracizing. Vampires are hedonistic, Twilight vampires more so than any other. Which in turn means I don’t think Maria and Jasper were monogamous. A couple, sure, but I don’t think Maria would say “oh noes, I can’t, I’m with Jasper!” if someone she was attracted to made an overture, and same goes for Jasper. So, if Jasper was into guys, then sure. I can see Jasper/Peter happening, or even Charlotte/Jasper/Peter. Jasper is certainly into women, with the possibility of guys as well. And if so, then it’s probably happened.

Rosalie I’m shocked is with a guy in the first place, everything about her screams lesbian. However, she’s clearly into Emmett, so apparently she’s bisexual.

(I’m not including Renesmée in this, since she’s three months old by the time the series conclude.)

This all being said, several of these people are from very different times and wouldn’t have the same concepts of sexuality internalized as we do, so how they’d identify is a very different matter.

Fine, but first...

Something flickered in Jaskier's eyes; the journey of a decision, start to finish, and then the bard huffed a breath, shoulders slumping.

"Fine. But first," he uttered, almost thoughtful, turning away.

He spun quick enough that all he had time to register was the flash of surprise on Geralt's face before he punched him, knuckles meeting his jaw in a move that undoubtedly hurt the musician more than the Witcher.

"Cock, bollocks and a Witcher's cunt!" the bard yelped, shaking out his hand. His captors hadn't even removed his rings and he was certain they were embedded forever on his fingers.

Geralt blinked slowly, one hand coming up lethargically.

"I'm not sure what I'm more surprised by," Geralt murmured, touching a fingertip to the blood dripping from his nose. "The fact that you just punched me, or that it was a decent hit.”

Jaskier stayed sullenly silent, clutching his hand to his chest with a scowl.

"Let me check your hand," Geralt sighed, reaching for him.

"Don't fucking touch me, you utter horse's arse!" Jaskier shrieked, slapping his hand away.

"Jaskier–"

"Don't Jaskier me!" the bard refuted again, and Geralt raised a brow, grinding his teeth.

"Julian, then?" he growled. "Sandpiper, perhaps? What should I call you if not your name?"

Jaskier fell silent, staring wild-eyed at him. "I'm not–"

"Stupid and kind hearted enough to take on Nilfgaard's purges?" Geralt challenged, voice soft. "It's exactly the sort of thing the Jaskier I know would do."

"You don't know me," Jaskier laughed bitterly, shaking his head. "What's my favorite color, Geralt? What flower am I allergic to, hm? What did I study at Oxenfurt, even? When's my birthday?"

"Blue. You're not allergic to any flowers; you ate dog’s bane, which is poisonous to everything. You studied historical poetry and the art of lyrical literature in your first year, song-smithing and composing in your second and the lute for three, alongside several other string instruments, but the lute is your favorite.

Your birthday is Belleteyn, and you tell everyone it gives you magical fucking skills, even though that's horseshit. You hate ginger root and some prick called Valdo Marx and being cold and the first song you ever wrote was called Dixie's Dandy Dally."

He'd started off angry, mettle meeting mettle, but by the time he was done his voice was level, almost fearful, chest heaving for breath as he met Jaskier’s stunned gaze.

"You talk. A lot," he ground out evenly. "So much I sometimes imagine cutting out your tongue. But when you talk; I listen. I've listened to you for over twenty years, Jaskier."

“You didn’t know me enough not to send me away,” Jaskier whispered, gaze falling. “You didn’t care enough.”

“I cared too much. And I destroy the things I care about,” Geralt answered. He reached out slowly, palm open; invitation. “If you’d let me, I’d like to try and fix what I’ve broken.”

Silent deliberation. After a moment, Jaskier heaved a forceful exhale and raised his bruising hand.

“Perhaps you’d like to start with my knuckles, then?”

AU where Gus’s parents do send him to Meitner and Shawn is so distraught and unhappy only being able to see Gus on weekends that he decides it's worth Becoming A Major Nerd and works his ass off to get into Meitner too. The hard part is just focusing enough and getting over his own issues with Oh God I'm Embracing The Genius DAD STOP SAYING YOU'RE PROUD I'M APPLYING MYSELF IT MAKES ME WANT TO STOP, not the actual Being Smart Enough part.

Gus is flabbergasted when Shawn shows up in class. Shawn made sure he got put in the same exact classes as Gus. They become a bit of a nightmare to the staff because they're both Incredibly Intelligent but also Incredibly Chaotic so the teachers KNOW these two are pulling mischief but they CAN'T PROVE IT

The rest of the stuff still happens as in the show with the Shawn running away after graduation and Gus becoming a pharmaceutical rep (alas, college didn't pan out like he'd hoped) and Psych and such- but now when Shawn and Gus investigate the case at Meitner they get invited as lectures because they're former students, and Jules and Lassie are confronted with "They went to the child prgenius prodigy school??? Both of them??? And excelled???? So they're like this on purpose?????"