259 posts
Latest Posts by marywillowfae - Page 2
okay so uh. since the anniversary of the day i started hrt last year (and about like 2 months later absolutely panicked, stopped, and repressed(?) all of it as good as i could manage) is coming up, i thought i'd write smth about.. where things are at? or, i don't know, anything. cuz like i've been toying with the idea of.. starting again on that day, just casually considering it, and.. holy shit i just checked, i thought it was about a month away but it's just like two weeks >_<
about a million vague thoughts about it that all kinda go nowhere. i saw 'i saw the tv glow' about 3 months after i had stopped and it tore into the middle of me and left a gaping, pulsating void. i really don't wanna be near that feeling ever again. the more i sit and think about it, the clearer that becomes. can i imagine growing old in a male body? can i endure it? can i imagine growing old with 'could've almost been a real nb trans person' as part of my identity? cuz like. the 'nb' part of that isn't going anywhere, that much is clear by now and has been for.. a while. it just feels.. disappointingly un-real without the hrt, just like, a nice story i can tell myself about myself, without really much consequence to the people around me or on how they perceive me.
i said i never wanna be near that horrible void feeling again, but on the other hand, i'd really really like to feel how hrt made me feel again. maybe trying it again could at least sort out the question of how much of that beautiful, warm, optimistic feeling (until my body started doing things that scared me) and the subtle changes in how i perceived myself and the people around me was actually due to hormones and how much was.. psychosomatic? (is that even a different thing?) but i mean like in the way of.. just the euphoria to take that step, to make a real decision about this, and fixating really hard on the things i was hoping to get out of it..
…
but also thinking, like. it could be casual. that's.. allowed? i can always stop again if i arrive at the same point as the first time, that's not gonna kill me. drive me by some potentially really dark corners of my mind, but now i have seen those before. i can handle that. and also not having that terrifying feeling trying to bite me in the neck of 'it's gonna be this or death, so it's gotta be this' might help. cuz like. been there and back again now. i know i can.. survive without it. and in a lot of ways it would be easier.* and also i'm like existentially bored as shit anyways??
(*just writing something like that still makes a part of me scream out smth like 'but what beautiful experiences would i be denying myself!!', soo.. woof.)
might (should) write more about this in the next days. yeah.
like we really hate to hear this - but power is in every human relationship. unless you are the exact same as your partner in age, class, race, ethnicity, religion, language, nationality, citizenship status, gender, sexual orientation, physical and mental ability, salary, education, etc, you have to negotiate the problems material power differentials pose to love, to treating others well. the response to this seems to have been to make certain points of difference - like age - load-bearing, in a way that erases others - class would be my example: far bigger a power disparity than, say, a ten year gap in age between adults is class and inheritable wealth, but you almost never see that acknowledged in the same way. and even if you were at parity in all those areas (gay twincest sweep??) there is still the emotional power that someone’s love and desire for you gives you over them. you can’t get rid of it. you cannot find the perfect relationship where it doesn’t exist by steadily winnowing down your “ethical” options via widening designations of “problematic relationships.” you have to confront the power you have over other people and think how you will wield it most lightly. sorry!
i need a FIXATION, a RABBIT HOLE, a way to SCRATCH my BRAIN in a way it has never been SCREATCHED before
why don't you fire walk with some bitches
one of the more bleak things to acknowledge is that if you pirate literally all of your music and then set aside a spotify subscription's worth of money each month to spend on a single pay-what-you-want album, it would almost immediately amount to you supporting those musicians more than streaming does
by Dmitriy Shustikov
Has anyone else noticed that the outgroup is weird as fuck while the ingroup is normal and chill
Have you seen the new show? It's on Tubu. It's literally on Heebee. It's on Poodee with ads. It's literally on Dippy. You can probably find it on Weeno. Dude it's on Gumpy. It's a Pheebo original. It's on Poob. You can watch it on Poob. You can go to Poob and watch it. Log onto Poob right now. Go to Poob. Dive into Poob. You can Poob it. It's on Poob. Poob has it for you. Poob has it for you.
can you guys watch my squab for me im gonna go on my smoko
wait what did grimes do
Manic Pixie Eva Braun
so tired of hearing abt ppl's inner children. Abort that thang
i beg to sniffer
gonna start using this rothko card deck for divination
horror movie enjoyers will be having a terrible day and be like fuuuuuck i need to unwind….maybe nows the time to finally check out shit piss deathfest 2 . For a bit of lighthearted entertainment
another heavy handed symbolism moment: my mom has a potted sunflower in the kitchen. because it is a sunflower, it keeps turning towards the light from the window. my mother keeps rotating it so it faces inward because she wants "to see its beautiful petals and have it really brighten up the space!" . the sunflower is visibly wilting .
A little mouse tries to escape death's design in my new movie Fievel Destination.
its so brave that you have such a 2012-coded url in this 2024 world
would you call a bear brave for standing in a new construction suburb or would you recognize the unfamiliar world they built around him
Supposedly, I should be able to replace my nixos install with a new one and it should reconfigure itself. Let's try!
Got reminded again of my old coworker who was a massive misogynist but also trans inclusive. Told me he believed trans women are indeed women because "only women would be stupid enough to want to be women"
I wonder what he's doing now
@catrightsactivist
“Most Awful Sleeping Face in Japan” (photos by @mino_ris/via neebus)