Logging On To The Mycellium

I’m slathered in sleepytime baby lotion and I’m no longer afraid to die.

Me: *Removes my cat from my lap to do something else.*

My cat: Father is...evil? Father is unyielding? Father is incapable of love? I am running away. I am packing my little rucksack and going out to explore the world as a lone vagabond. I can no longer thrive in this household.

okay so uh. since the anniversary of the day i started hrt last year (and about like 2 months later absolutely panicked, stopped, and repressed(?) all of it as good as i could manage) is coming up, i thought i'd write smth about.. where things are at? or, i don't know, anything. cuz like i've been toying with the idea of.. starting again on that day, just casually considering it, and.. holy shit i just checked, i thought it was about a month away but it's just like two weeks >_<

about a million vague thoughts about it that all kinda go nowhere. i saw 'i saw the tv glow' about 3 months after i had stopped and it tore into the middle of me and left a gaping, pulsating void. i really don't wanna be near that feeling ever again. the more i sit and think about it, the clearer that becomes. can i imagine growing old in a male body? can i endure it? can i imagine growing old with 'could've almost been a real nb trans person' as part of my identity? cuz like. the 'nb' part of that isn't going anywhere, that much is clear by now and has been for.. a while. it just feels.. disappointingly un-real without the hrt, just like, a nice story i can tell myself about myself, without really much consequence to the people around me or on how they perceive me.

i said i never wanna be near that horrible void feeling again, but on the other hand, i'd really really like to feel how hrt made me feel again. maybe trying it again could at least sort out the question of how much of that beautiful, warm, optimistic feeling (until my body started doing things that scared me) and the subtle changes in how i perceived myself and the people around me was actually due to hormones and how much was.. psychosomatic? (is that even a different thing?) but i mean like in the way of.. just the euphoria to take that step, to make a real decision about this, and fixating really hard on the things i was hoping to get out of it..

…

but also thinking, like. it could be casual. that's.. allowed? i can always stop again if i arrive at the same point as the first time, that's not gonna kill me. drive me by some potentially really dark corners of my mind, but now i have seen those before. i can handle that. and also not having that terrifying feeling trying to bite me in the neck of 'it's gonna be this or death, so it's gotta be this' might help. cuz like. been there and back again now. i know i can.. survive without it. and in a lot of ways it would be easier.* and also i'm like existentially bored as shit anyways??

(*just writing something like that still makes a part of me scream out smth like 'but what beautiful experiences would i be denying myself!!', soo.. woof.)

might (should) write more about this in the next days. yeah.

After baths my dog Kylie always runs around at full speed with her face on the floor to dry it off she just goes hog wild and she’s having flea problems rn bc they’re bad this summer even with medication obvs so I just gave her a flea bath which are super drying so I rubbed her down with coconut oil afterward and what I’m leading up to here is there is now a slime weasel that we can not grab ricocheting at full speed between furniture like some sort of chaotic oily pinball

like we really hate to hear this - but power is in every human relationship. unless you are the exact same as your partner in age, class, race, ethnicity, religion, language, nationality, citizenship status, gender, sexual orientation, physical and mental ability, salary, education, etc, you have to negotiate the problems material power differentials pose to love, to treating others well. the response to this seems to have been to make certain points of difference - like age - load-bearing, in a way that erases others - class would be my example: far bigger a power disparity than, say, a ten year gap in age between adults is class and inheritable wealth, but you almost never see that acknowledged in the same way. and even if you were at parity in all those areas (gay twincest sweep??) there is still the emotional power that someone’s love and desire for you gives you over them. you can’t get rid of it. you cannot find the perfect relationship where it doesn’t exist by steadily winnowing down your “ethical” options via widening designations of “problematic relationships.” you have to confront the power you have over other people and think how you will wield it most lightly. sorry!

this is so uninterested in even trying to be good, i can already tell whatever they come up with as an explanation for them being back in the offices will be so fucking contrived.. anything to keep up their 'stylistic identity' cuz that's somehow more important than telling an actually good story..

Yes yes and yes! All the "You have all the freedom when creating your character, you're not even limited to male/female binary!" that they promised is implemented terribly and with the least amount of effort or thought and by now I'm sure it's there at all just for 'woke points' and it's really despicable 🤬

This game is a fucking joke I swear